What's the best thing in the world? / Something out of it, I think

Moved.Out

2009-02-20T01:58:00.001+08:00

Moving blog. Please update links to http://squareberry.moi-nonpl.us

This site will be hanging around though. I'll miss it!

Stressed

2009-02-19T00:16:00.003+08:00

I just realized I haven't been blogging as much, partly because I'm dry on inspiration, and mostly because I'm in such panic over piling work that I feel guilty when I engage in distractions. As if I ain't distracted enough all the time.

I can't really keep up with my lifestlye these days. My orderly, planned out lifestyle which I hate making compromises on. I have almost no time to breath as I juggle between school, thesis (the biggest drag of all time and I'm permanantly dragging it), running, piano...

I've been told by one or two people lately that I seem 'high strung' and 'intense'. Oh dear, my panic mode is becomming obvious to the world. And I thought I always hide it so carefully. That's becasue in school, I can barely breathe sometimes. As I'm running from one place to another (sometimes I've no idea WHY since I only have 2 or 3 classes a week), I'm thinking about how many things I have on my plate, so much so that I can't concentrate on what's right before me.

It's not the stress and the load I can't take. It's the fact that out of some of the things I'm doing, I HATE THEM SO MUCH. Actually, I hate IT so much. I tell myself it's all worth it and to grit my teeth, but everyday, I feel a great sense of dread thinking about that darned thing.

It's been a long time since I've done my long reservoir-bishan park run. I miss it, but I"m... always completely exhuasted by the time the weekend comes. Sunday I'm so tired I barely do a thing and it makes me feel like I'm this lousy person drifting about.

Sigh. This is me, when I'm... stressed and whiny.

Apparantly people on my tagboard are now complaining about their absence on my blog. That's becasue nothing interesting has happened! Okay, here's DEH Lemon Cheong. =) Hang in there lemon, as I am hanging with you. Hanging out, hanging in, hanging about.

And, HUCKS! Huck is the new words I invented with Winston- its a hug for people who feel like F.

Lennel's awesome charging screen.

Valentines =)

2009-02-14T22:51:00.004+08:00

Many many pictures, and much more joy, but I shall just share some.

A part of my present for Lennel (what the actual surprise was is a secret, hee). Stamps with us on them! haha, two stamps are missing because I mailed them to his house with my card/postsecrets.

Early valentines dinner @ PS Cafe Demsey. The soups were huge, and awesome.

I got 3 gifts!

'The Sweet Gift'- Haiku cupcakes! That's the third of my presents...had a pretty hard time diciphering them, but love them anw. Haiku's have a special significance for us. And every cupcake has something purple on them!

'The Funny Gift' - heehee, I couldn't believe it, but he got me a PURPLE HAIRDRYER. (don't be jealous mouse). Lol! I've never owned a hair dryer in my life, and now I'm motivated to use this one because it's purple. Yes, I just told my mum that 'I'm very lazy to dry my hair, but this one is purple, think I don't mind' and she totally rolled her eyes. Quite a coincidence that my Dad previously bought my mum a hairdryer on their first valentines... AND my maid informed me that my mum's hairdryer had sparks when she turned it on yesterday, so now she wants a new one.

'The Pretty Gift' - PURPLE earrings and pendant. Gosh, the earrings are very simple, but I LOVE them. Sparkling purple things... yay! And turns out I was wearing purple today too!

Many more things I could say, but I rather not. =)

Oh well, we spent most of today actually lazing about...and I had piano lesson, followerd by family gathering for my uncle who's back from Germany. Mr Ku was pretty intrigued by Lennel's cupcakes, lol. Told me, 'I didn't register he was your bf because I thought you'd date someone older'. I informed him that Lennel was 28, which surprised him as it has surprised everyone. Sigh, I look old!

And today, something so strange happened I can't stop recalling the moment. To have a grown man nearly cry in front of you. It's not abnormal.. but somehow, it was all very deeply etched in my memory. (No no, just to clarify- I did not make Lennel cry.)

So tired!

A time to treasure

2009-02-10T09:01:00.002+08:00

I was feeling quite down yesterday with my tremendous to-do list, but as I sit down and give it further thought-

They're not really worthy of me mulling over.

I'm pretty much at the peak of my life now, with almost (keyword is almost) everything going well. I've been blessed with good things, and a lot of them. So why complain? Just have to bite my teeth and keep forging ahead, hopefully without dragging my feet too much.

With that, I start another busy day filled with (self) expectations and stress.

2009-02-09T17:59:00.002+08:00

My to-do list is permanantly long and it includes many things which are probably not among the priorities of many. And the list never grows shorter because there are many things that I'm frightened of checking off.

I've been living like that for so long that I don't know how else but to continue panicking.

The Mouse I Love

2009-02-06T07:34:00.002+08:00

I had a discussion on love with a friend today who doesn't believe I could love my friends, but I do!

Here's the mouse I love, and am so proud of. Who's been amazing to me, and even more amazing in herself.

We hung out at Starbucks to wait for MarkMark. Finally met up with MM! And it's really sweet how MM actually wants to be friends with us considering we randomly traumatized him in business history class for no gd reason at all. (e.g. disturbing him on MSN, saying random stupid things to him, telling him he 'hashas toto speakspeak likelike thisthis').

Frustrations and Anger

2009-02-04T08:59:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I've gotten really angry, agitated and aggressive, but yesterday I did and I was ready to start throwing tantrums. I really hate it when students are not treated with sufficient respect... I do understand that as a smaller part of a bigger group, sometimes we get marginalized and we've to align ourselves to bigger plans from up-there. But when we get kicked around non-stop, it's just ridiculous. It's been done once, and I had to reshuffle all plans and hopes, and now I've to do it all over again. As if I've nothing better to do.

*boiling*

Feel like I've been trampled over.

At least I got to go out yesterday... Ikea is quite fun! I like looking at furniture and things to decorate my home with, except I've no personal home to decorate. And guess what, it was my FIRST TIME ever trying their much talked about Swedish meatballs.

I've no idea why I like this picture so much- probably because the lighting at Ikea makes me look like I've glowing complexion, haha.

Muffin!

Once bitten, twice shy

2009-02-01T08:47:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I thought and thought about how things have fallen into place, and feared that they might just come apart again. I am, after all, nobody special.

Press Any Key Roadshow @ Esplanade Library

2009-02-01T08:35:00.002+08:00

Went down to esplanade library yesterday afternoon to support friends and nuspe-ians involved in the Game Music Fringe. They were having a roadshow to promote the event...it was very enjoyable! In fact, I liked it more than I expecetd (because I'm a complete game music idiot). That's the whole crew in the picture and I'm the odd one out because-

1. I'm sitting on a chair, ever so empress-ly. haha

2. I'm the only one there not actually involved in the event.

We went to the National Museum before that. And this really old-school ovaltine tin really amused me, don't know why. There's an interior design free exhibition going on to, good stuff! Too bad Lennel and I were in a rush to go to the esplanade so we just brisked walked through stuff.

And we saw a poor little boy crying so loudly in the middle of the museum that we were convinced he must have lost his parents. Turns out that he lost his schoolbag, which happened to be right in front of us, heh.

Muffin! Lennel's spoilt doggy, and now my dog...he looks very indignant whenever people leave the house.

Happy Thursday

2009-01-30T08:06:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was quite fun, and productive! Went to meet Lennel for lunch and I got ...

...a purple rose!

Post lunch, I spent some time studying at SMU with Jingyi and Manda, who kindly SMUggled me in. Haven't seen my Nanyang f.r.i.e.n.d.s in so long and it was great, even though I think we were just sitting there doing work. It's the presence that counts right, haha. And I realized i realllyyyy missed them. Almost wished I was in SMU. My friends are there and it's easy to access from my house.

Note to Jy/Manda/Chris/Elayne: Let's meet up soon. The next long weekend should be coming soon?

Post SMU, Lennel and I had dinner with Kim- Excellent new salmon wrap at coffee bean! Followed by a stroll to Kim's house to meet my mouse-in-law (her mum). I love Kim's mum- she's so nice and so cute. I hope she didn't think I was there to collect angpows, because I've been wanting to and I would visit her at anytime! Really missed her, don't know why.

Say hi to us. (And Kim's right there... see the little christmas tree in between our heads. Yea that's her!)

Oh oh! We went grocery shopping... and I bought a whole big bag of cuttlefish balls to cook with tomyum paste. Tried it last night and its delicious. Ever since I tried this ma2 la4 (ultra spicy) fishball, I've been into fishball, sotong ball, beef ball, mushroom ball...

2009-01-28T00:25:00.003+08:00

I was just beginning to think I had expectations too high, too lofty.

I was wrong! =)

Way Back into Love from Music and Lyrics

2009-01-27T16:14:00.001+08:00

I'm so addicted to this song! It's driving me nuts because the tune has been ringing in my head day and night!

And yes, a new start. =)

It's amazing

2009-01-25T09:13:00.003+08:00

I've been happy. With people and many things.

My next trip to s*h, I'm going to sing, 'Recovery is amazing!' I'm so proud of Mouse Lian Rolles and myself... bad circumstances brought us together, and we're now both moving on the greener pastures together. The accompanying sense of freedom and joy just multiplies when the miracle happens to both of us.

I doubt things will ever be fully perfect, but I'm grateful enough that it is so damn much less imperfect already. Truly, I've grown so much over the past two years or so. Had it not been for depressing times, I'd probably be a different person from what I was today, and less deserving of the good things in life.

And that was among the stuff I thought about while having a few mouths of brownie ice-cream at Ben and Jerry's yesterday. And I look like the uglier one in this photo! *meh*

And so, I begin a (hopefully productive) Sunday with glee.

I love my mouse, house, spouse, grouse, blouse!

2009-01-22T21:07:00.003+08:00

Finally met my my house- ms. mouse lian rolles! She's in purple today. We had a GREAT time catching up at Starbucks HV and then a meal at Sushi Tei, our favourite restaurant. A very significant meal for certain reasons. YAY. Love you housey!

Can't rem if I posted these up... from Cinderella Musical. Ee Hiang, myself and Ban!

Presenting... Queen Cinderberry!

And BAN SEE THIS- I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU! Just wait patiently ... with anticipation. HEEHEE

2009-01-19T08:50:00.001+08:00

Sooty wore purple on Friday! (and it was a mere coincidence that I was in purple too...)

2009-01-18T07:54:00.001+08:00

She walks in Beauty
George Gordon Bryan, Lord Bryan

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

2009-01-17T22:58:00.001+08:00

Someone complained that the I contravened the surprisee-etiquette by failing to blog about the surprise. So here goes-

I had a surprise this week! A lovely one which probably is the highlight of the week. =)

After-note: Forgot to add, surprise 2 of the week- Mr Goh Jiayuan called me from Sweden today! I miss JY!

2009-01-17T00:09:00.002+08:00

There goes the first week of the last semester.

Didn't achieve as much as I hoped, thanks to panic attacks over my Mizuho bank recital, fatigue and random admin stuff. I am beginning to develop a distaste for admin work, especially when it involves forwarding e-mails and forwarding them.

Didn't manage to get real work done... well, at least not much thesis work, which could make or break me this semester. I hate the 'sudden death' nature of thesis...no A minus = no First-class, regardless of how well you've done overall. Sometimes I just want to forget it and graduate already.

And yes, the Mizuho bank ordeal is over. I wasn't very pleased with my performance... definitely could have done better given more time, and less nerves. I really had an unusual amount of fear in me for thie gig... no idea why. It's been a long time since I haven't been able to talk myself out of my own fear, at least enough to feel all calm when I play in front of an audience. Oh well, what's done is done... and I hope the nice applause meant I sounded decent enough. And they gave me the hugest bouquet of flowers I've ever received in my life!

Which is kinda sad? The hugest bouquet of flowers I've ever received in my life came from a bank. So for someone else to make me happy with flowers in future, it's got to be really humongous. Well, I guess size doesn't count... as long as they're purple! Or roses of the deepest, darkest red.

I've been quite disappointed in myself this week, in many ways. But what to do, but to move right on. And get things back in shape.

I suddenly feel like lying down and just listen to music.

In loving memory...

2009-01-14T22:32:00.003+08:00

My darling Lady, the most sweet, gentle, lovely, poised, pretty, graceful, elegant dog ever.

The Best things in the World-

2009-01-14T11:04:00.003+08:00

Best worlds-

My overactive imagination has always left me with very idealistic visions of a perfect world, one of them being the perfect world of studying-

I always thought I could possibly enjoying studying. If I were in a cool, specious environment, and a large, uncluttered table all to myself. I'd sit with my back straight, listen to good music and have sips of coffee along the way. I'd also be concentrating so intensely that I don't even notice time flying by.

Of course, that is the ideal world. It doesn't exit. The situation described above has been replicated for me now-

But all I want to do is sleep, exercise, or play piano.

I attended Lit lecture this morning, first Lit lecture in 4 years. Everything was skimped through... but still, I miss the feeling of studying Lit. And so, I end with one of my favourite poems:

The Best Thing in the World?

Elizabeth Barrett Broning

What's the best thing in the world?
June-rose, by May-dew impearled;
Sweet south-wind, that means no rain;
Truth, not cruel to a friend;
Pleasure, not in haste to end;
Beauty, not self-decked and curled
Till its pride is over-plain;
Light, that never makes you wink;
Memory, that gives no pain;
Love, when, so, you're loved again.
What's the best thing in the world?
—Something out of it, I think.

Some nice songs

2009-01-12T21:57:00.004+08:00

I usually set my mp3 player to random mode while running, and for some strange reason, 4 of my favourite songs started playing at the same time today. They each remind me of certain pple-

So Close:

This song reminds me of Ray, simply because he sent it to me and told me the song made him think of me (does that mean the song should remind me of me?, haha). It's a lovely song, and now I kind of regret not watching Enchanted. And to some extent, it makes me think of GGC since I recently discovered by chance he likes it too... and because during the same conversation, I found this really lovely video of the song! Me thinks its the most emo video I've ever seen, but kind of nice in a bittersweet way.

The Blowers Daughter:

This song is always associated with the movie Closer. And it always reminds me of one person whom I used to miss very painfully for nearly two years. I've no idea why either...oh, and I had a friend called Andy who likes the song too. I remember I once found a shirt with the words 'And so it is' in Zara and sms-ed him to tell him I was buying it because of the song, lol. Anyway, it remains one of my favourite songs til this day.

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered:

This song reminds me of the person who was one of the first to make me relent in my personal beliefs and go to church, as well as almost made me want to stop going to church. I guess it'll soon remind me of Sooty since he is arranging it for me to perform. This is a particularly nice version by Babara Streisand!

Magic Works

This too, reminds me of Ray. I miss the days in Year 1 when he was one of the very few close friends I made in uni. He sent this to me after watching Harry Potter... and til this day, I recall a day where we sat at a swing in Khatib, listening to songs from my laptop. =)

Its the beginning of the end...

2009-01-12T17:08:00.002+08:00

the start of my final semester in university.

Here's Lemon and Berry on my last day in Blugrapes...

It's the first day back at school, and I've classes with NicNic this sem! We're taking Making of a Region and Services Marketing together... yay, got company! After the boring morning class, he dragged me to the business canteen and we started doing dumb things- the dumbest of which was to walk one round the canteen waving at people (mostly my friends since he's been away for a semester) to reestablish our presence in the canteen.

I've bidded for two extra modules- Music in the Global Society and Introduction to Lit. I can afford at most one more module, so I'd see which I prefer. Technically, these are all above my degree requirements, so I'm wondering whether I should just forget extra mods and go full blasting into the world of thesis. But I've always been interested in Lit... really miss it from my A Level days. Hopefully the workload isn't that bad. All I need is to pass so that I can exercise my final pass/fail grading option on it.

Many things coming up in my final semester! Thesis being the major ones. As well as at least two more rather big concerts with nuspe (nightmare!)... I've this compulsion to find a way to ensure my final semester is as meaningful as possible, but I don't know how.

Give me two more weeks and I think I'll start blogging about how school is a routine...

And I'm really stressed. Barely prepared for my 'recital' on Thursday despite practising all weekend. :( Here's some chopped-up Chopin -

Freddie Kempf

2009-01-11T13:40:00.001+08:00

My new favourite pianist playing Beethoven's Pathetique Sonta
Movement 1:

Movement2:

Movement 3:

Self Reminder

2009-01-10T20:45:00.002+08:00

My new year resolution was to approach the things I do (and I mean, everything), with more drive. I realized to day that I've started forgetting it. Onward!

What made me realize it was piano lesson. I felt so utterly sian practising the entire morning and afternoon. And when I was playing terrible during lesson, I saw that I couldn't expect anything else, because I was just blah-ing my way through the entire day in a most lethargic fashion. I have four days to the recital... a real short time to get my act together. Guess I'll be waking up early tomorrow.

Hopefully, I'd be able to fit in an hour of practice in peace before I'm off for teaching...

While running, I kept thinking and thinking about how I have not been bothering to practise properly of late... and I felt quite disappointed in myself, since not bothering is like wasting money on lessons.

Running was pretty good I guess... I haven't ran since Wednesday, but I managed to clock about 12-13km today. One of the things I love best is to listen to music while running... I listened through-
1. The piano recording which I personally consider to be the most inspiring (the identity of this piece is a secret)
2. Dvorak's Symphony No. 7
3. Half of Dvorak's Symphony No. 9
4. My own recording of Gustav Holst's Mars (haha, it just came on when my player was in random mode)... I kind of miss playing with Linli.

My legs feel like jelly now, but I'm really satisfied with myself.

And I promised myself that I'd make 2009 a good year. Much to look into and work upon.

Blogging Challenge - GGC version

2009-01-10T00:41:00.004+08:00

Another 5 topics I promised to blog about

1. Gripes about public transportation

Honestly, up til 4 days ago, I would say public transportation in Singapore is one of the best I've ever encountered, and I have absolutely nothing to complain. Yes, it sucks that I have to take 3 buses to get to NUS from my home, but really... they're clean, they don't cheat your money, they are easy to use.

BUT on Tuesday, I discovered the horrors of the 'peak hour', which I have avoided most of my last 3.5 years because I lived in hostel. So, I was at City Hall (on my way home from work), and ended up missing 4 trains because they were completely packed! 4?!!!! trains and I still couldn't get in?

Packed trains, I can deal. I'm sure MRTs all around the world have such problems during peak hours... but its the people trying to force their ways through, without consideration for who they're elbowing into. I doubt I have to elaborate - the number of letters to the Straits Times forum about ugly singaporeans is testament enough.

Oh yes, and I almost forgot... bus drivers who do not stop when you've been flagging frantically at the stop...

2. Some new crazy things that CW wants to try in 2009

-I have been wanting to try this since 2008, but I will try it in 2009 - get on the REVERSE BUNGEE! An old friend and I once made a bet about who'd get attached first. If he got attached first, he brings me to sit on the reverse bungee. If I got attached first, I cook him a full dinner, complete with appetizers and desert. I won the best by just about 2 days, so I get to bungee!

-Run a full marathon! I guess that's crazy enough by normal standards.

-Go up to a stranger on the bus and start talking to him/her (haha)

-Take up some form of dancing - ballroom?

-Run up Kent Ridge Park with a close friend and scream/laugh our hearts out like no one could hear us.

3. Boxers or Briefs?

Boxers. They remind me of my good friend Mr GJY who loves walking around in his boxers, so I got him 'Calvin Klein' ones from Beijing. And boxers are comfortable! I've a pair of boxers at home because a (female) friends left them behind when she stayed over. I've worn them and they're nice and airy, haha.

4. 5 things CW needs in her bf (or bf to be)

Thing 1: Sufficient trust to let her to do what she wants, and hangout with whoever (including her good guy friends)

Thing 2: Honesty and openness, loads of it I hate it when people lie to me.

Thing 3: Following from Thing 2, willingness to talk stuff out

Thing 4: Makes her laugh herself silly and doesn't mind laughing himself silly together

Thing 5: A dependable friend

5. 5 things CW doesn't want in her boyfriend (or boyfriend to be)

Thing 1: Cigarettes

Thing 2: Party animal

Thing 3: Doesn't bother to keep himself neat and presentable (its not about being good looking)

Thing 4: Control freak

Thing 5: Expectations of a perfect gf/relationship (those don't exist)

I feel like I've just filled up one of those long questionaires where you have to fill in details about yourself and then tag people to do so... haha.

Blogging Challenge - Sooty Version

2009-01-09T23:21:00.004+08:00

Soots and I have had enough of Scrabble, so now we've invented a new word game. One that involves lots of words - the blogging challenge. He has given me five topics, and I have to blog about them.

1. My Maid

I don't really like to refer to my maid as a 'maid', because I (and I believe the rest of my family) consider her as practically part of the family. Which, incidentally, I think should be the case for all maids. After all, they left behind their families to make a living... its only right they get treated decently, and with love. I guess some might argue that in this time and age, many people do leave behind their families for jobs overseas, but it's not quite the same- many professionals do it by choice, or are lured by greener pastures. And they have the freedom to go out, have a life, make friends, have fun... but maids are often pretty much home bound except for weekends.

Oh well, back to my maid- she's been with us for nearly 15 years, shares a room with me, and is one of the most important people in my life. I just cannot imagine her leaving, ever! She even misses the dogs when she goes back home for visits. One day, I am going to teach her how to use msn properly... she had a brief stint with it while I was in NYC and my mum made her chat with me when she (my mum) was too lazy to.

2. Gmail

I have three gmail accounts: chengwei1405@gmail.com, chengwei.nuspe@gmail.com and iamnotsooty@gmail.com (created merely to annoy sooty). And Gmail rocks my life... rocks, I love everything about google- google chrome browser tops it all! All customizable, convenient and creative. And I combine every email account I have into one gmail account, so if there's one homepage I can't life without, it's www.gmail.com

3. Eyebrows

If I had my hp cable with me, I'd post up a picture of myself now. I finally got my eyebrows trimmed after letting them go astray for the past couple of months (I was lazy). And I am so happy with them now, nice and neat. And I wish I could help Sooty pluck his eyebrows.

4. Gaza

I honestly did not know what Gaza was until asked to blog about this. Luckily google (see why I love it?) knows all about Gaza. Apparantly, Gaza is derived from the Hebrew root for 'strong'.
And yes, the Israelis and Palestinians are fighting over it.

5. To Kill a Mockingbird

My favourite novel, ever, which deserves a revisit soon. I studied this novel for Lit during 'O' Levels and I really enjoyed it. I've read the book at least 6 times, and seriously, everytime I read it, there's always something new to enjoy about it.

In Sec 3, I went on a school trip to Alabama (where the novel was set), and one of the townsfolk told us something which I found very poignant. We were at the courthouse which Harper Lee wrote about in the novel, and apparantly, the actress who played the young girl (Scout) in the film adaptation visited the courthouse again when she was in her 60s. At that moment, standing inside there, she teared, saying that acting in that film changed her whole life.

I can certainly imagine why. The novel deals with many issues.

And one of my favourite quotations comes from this novel:
"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.”
Harper Lee To Kill a Mockingbird 1960

I sent this quote to a dear friend during times of distress. I wonder how she is now.

2009-01-03T00:54:00.003+08:00

Why am I always so angry, so bitter, so vengeful, so disappointed with everything.

I can absolutely deal and accept, but I've always been holding on to a promise of something better- instead of such utter bullshit.

Today, I put myself in the scenario of having things go exactly the way I wish them to. What am I going to say? 'Ok. Forgiven. All good.' Not really either-

Which makes me a hypocritical, spiteful, prideful bitch.

So much for my moral high ground. And high expectations of others.

Once again, I go to bed with a burdened mind.

Running, Gymming and Caffeine solves most problems in life

2009-01-01T22:55:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year! Spent the last 12 hours of 2008 with Ban and Sooty playing Game of Life, Scrabble and some other word games Sooty made up, which were so tough they gave me a headache. Involved putting random letters sie by side and naming words that contained those letters in order...

e.g. Round 1- E G

Round 2-E G D

Round 3 - E G D I

So you can say something like EaGle, ExxaGerateD, REGarIng. It was so challenging. I liked the game I invented, much easier on the brain and funny...Putting random letters and then forming sentences beginning with each of the letters. We had strange sentences like All lies or nothing, Ukrainian pigs are green... not the exact words, but stuff equally ludicrous. Sooty justy reminded me of some- Better heal our utopia, most lies yield no good outcomes, Ukranian Xylophones something-something-something...

Anyway, we spent ages trudging around the city hall area trying to decide where we wanted to go to countdown. Ended up squeezing with the Marina Bay Crowd to watch fireworks... not my choice, coz I hate crowds. Admittedly, it was much less crowded than I anticipated, but it was smelly. Nevertheless, Ban really wanted to watch fireworks, and its good enough that he enjoyed it. =) Some bits were really nice... though nothing bits Beijing Olympics 2008.

Sooty looks like he wants to cry because I made him take a photo with me.

Ban and Berry- best Emperor and Empress of Nuspe, haha. And our complexion colour looks the same here...

Today, on the 1st day of 2009, I gymmed for the first time in nearly three weeks. Ran about 5.5km, then spent 20 minutes at the gym. I can still lift the same weights, but my stamina with them has really deterioriated. Couldn't even do 15 incline situps properly.

Nevertheless, it felt SO GOOD to be back in the gym. And I am on Day 5 of my resolution to run everyday for a whole week! It feels like running, gymming, and caffeine really solve all problems... I was really feeling quite miserable for awhile, and at the start of my run...but after sometime, endorphins took over.

Time to get fit again.

And I am really into this taking care of myself resolution... haven't drunk coke light in a week. Today, I really wanted a cold drink and had iced lemon tea instead, which is an achievement in itself.

Happy Coffee

2008-12-30T11:47:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, Ray confirmed that my belief that coffee makes me happy is not some kind of psychological placebo effect.

Apparantly, coffee really triggers the release of happy chemicals. Ray himself has experienecd it - the uncharacteristic chirpiness, and in his words 'suddenly offering to help everyone in the office do everything', after consuming coffee in the morning.

And, seems like its not the caffeine itself, since tea does not have the same effect.

Interesting. But am still trying to cut caffeine. Haven't touched Red Bull in some time.

On a sidenote, I ran 4km this morning and had to stop to walk! But, while walking, I met Terry Tong. So surprised! He was on his way to the guild house gym, miss him!

2008-12-29T23:02:00.002+08:00

Ran again today at Upper Pierce. Almost wanted to run to Bishan Park after that, but laziness stopped me. Oh well, soon enough I'm going to be FIT again!

Life feels like a big void these days. Wake up, try to get work done, wait til its time to get to bed... somedays I wish I could sleep the whole day away. I'm always frustrated, always filled with discontent, wondering why my life is the way it is. But, how else? Life doesn't get all thrilling just by the click of a button.

This totally brings to mind the how Yes-Man, where Jim Carrey had to say yes to everything, and his life got better. Yes to change, yes to helping others, yes to meeting friends... haha. Quite a ridiculous show, but utterly hilarious.

But of course, I am not about to be Yes-Woman. It will entail me doing many things I'd never approve of.

I guess, with the source which I have relied upon for every thing gone, what can I expect.

Suddenly, I feel like I need to do something wild, crazy... and laugh til my stomach hurts. It's been a long time.

But there are things to be done... like, getting FOCUSED. I hate doing important things!

I have many

2008-12-28T22:43:00.003+08:00

Emo things which I could write about, but feel like I can't. Many, many, many. Really, the things that go on in my head sometimes, causes so much grief. I grief over people, myself, the state of things. But in all things we can't change, its always acceptance.

I ran at Pierce today with a new friend. Good to finally run again, but I'm also disgusted by how unfit I am again. When I reached into Pierce, I was really panting. The run out was much smoother though, probably due to dramatically reduced speed.

I spent quite a lot of today practising piano, mainly to numb myself from any other senseless things which occupy my mind. At least that was quite productive, unlike-

THESIS. I MUST get a proposal up tomorrow. I feel like I'm letting Prof Lee down if I don't get myself back up to speed. =( I'm disappointed with myself as it is. Really, contrary to popular belief, I am this wobbly thing who lives on inertia and procrastination.

Procrastination, and wallowing- these are the two biggest things that hold us back from living. But all so easy. Yesterday, Terry and i were talking about facing our emotions rather than letting them just swell up inside, til it erupts. But, there's also a very fine line between embracing them and letting it out, and wallowing. Like the line between accepting the things we can't change, and simply using acceptance as an excuse.

Til this day, I am sometimes tempted to wallow. But I must not.

Anyway, to continue my year's reflection-

Well, I was the President of Nuspe. Actually, still am, and will still be. It's something difficult to actually reflect upon, since some of my comm members actually bother to read my blog, and I don't quite know what to make of it sometimes. But in all honesty, I have yet to regret it. It was my chance to contribute to Nuspe, and also live out some of the things I always believed about working with others. It was an exercise of delegation, but I also saw how stressful delegation can be (yes, it's more difficult than it seems!). It was filled with E-mails, E-mails and some more E-mails. But at the end of the day, I think I see it as an expression of gratitude to my piano teacher as well, running his ensemble for him. I made a few good friends along the way... and hopefully, my comm enjoys working together, that's my personal KPI, haha.

Since I'm the topic of work... I guess my academic performance is really back on track, after a lapse during one really bad sem last year. But in all honesty, since I left JC, these things have ceased to be important to me. Just an avenue to get somewhere else I guess. They don't make me happy, though I guess... (and here's the greatest irony), they could potentially make me really unhappy. The paradoxical situation where doing well doesn't seem meaningful, but not doing well can be like a stab right at your self esteem.

Anyway, at the end of the day, I am proud to say that I've been true to myself. I've enjoyed the things I do at school... and put in the effort to them, simply because... I like them. If there's anything I learnt at business school, it's really this- that we can change our attitudes and things instantly become more enjoyable. Less painful. And possibly, everything we ever wanted.

I sound like Ms. Goody Two Shoes.

In secret, I'm far from nice and goody. I've a very bitchy, and vengeful heart. But anyway, there's some goody two shoes whom I know many have LOTS to learn from!

Enough Slacking

2008-12-28T12:57:00.000+08:00

I, Lee Cheng Wei, henceforth swears to run everyday this week.

Taking Stock

2008-12-25T23:47:00.004+08:00

We supposedly count our blessings at the end of the year and make resolutions when the new year start. So arbitrary, but we all succumb to it. So have I, except I already know my resolutions. The holiday season of decadence (by my standards, pertaining to certain things unspoken about), relative bleakness (didn't do much) and the boring routine of work has already made me start looking at what on earth I'm doing, and what I should be doing.

I have really let myself slacken and degenerate. This holidays... besides work, I haven't had the energy or drive to achieve much. It's always like this, and it leaves me so disappointed with myself. My thesis isn't even settled yet and I really having been giving much of a damn =(. Sigh, I just have to force myself. Really disgusted at the amount of time wasted. It's the last important thing I have to do in uni, so I guess it's time to actually pull up my socks and work towards something. All my uni life I have been wandering, letting things be, and taking things for granted. Really, however well I may do, its just not that meaningful since I always just let things be. I look, and ask myself, what is it that I achieved in school which I actually worked so hard towards that I deserved it?

Many people I think deserve so many things. If I could, I'd give it to them. Really. I feel happy when good people get the good things in life.

So, resolutions part (why wait til 2009 to start?)-

1. Reduced my caffeine intake-

Winston keeps pointing out that I drink so much (well, to him, one cup a day is already A LOT and ABNORMAL, which I disagree). And I think... it's really bad. Somedays, the moment I wake up, I get a headache, and whether it is because of caffeine or not, I assume it is and head to down a cup. And more often than not, I drink more during the day. I think I'll try to cut to max. one caffienated drink a day. Maybe I should have a caffine free day in future, like coffeeless Sunday... but I don't know if I can handle that right now.

2. I've been trying forever, but still BE MORE NEAT, ORGANIZED, CLEAN AND TIDY. I swear my room's in a much better state now, but can be better. One day I'm going to be like Bree in Desperate Housewives. Absolutely perfect in tip top condition at all times, haha!

3. GYM AND RUN- that's my resolution every year, and they're important things to me. And I had to make it again this year because.... since I fell sick two weeks ago, I have only exercised once. I can't believe just two weeks ago I was running up to 12km a day and now, I'm full of inertia just because I stopped when I was sick. Haven't seen the gym in weeks either.

4. Start being more motivated with school. Its not that I want to be a superwoman and achieve a million things and a string of As. Those are not important to me, but I think it's probably important that I have some sort of an ambitious streak and approach the things I do with some drive. Instead of the same old complacency, inertia, and general 'whatever, heck' attitude.

5. Finish off my term with NUSPE properly. I guess the first half when well, much thanks to a remarkable comm, and an exceptional VP. Hopefully I pull it off well in the second half. I'm really so grateful to my comm... I'm sure it could have been a harder job (not that it isn't hard enough sometimes) if not for them. Probably owe it to them to continue getting the job done. Though sometimes, I just want to ... slack. Delegate away then slack and heck. But I've also learnt that delegating isn't that easy a job...

6. Pass my piano diploma... that's not the real resolution, the real underlying resolution is what I need to do to get there... i.e. improve my ability at the piano (which also entails much more patience). Which leads to other things like putting up a good show at Touch with Sooty.

7. Take better care of myself. In all ways. Someone once told me that I can take care of the whole world but myself.

There are a few other resolutions I feel compelled to make, but they're private.

Anyway, it's been a ride of a year. As with all years, there're certain really great things (though not spectecular), but also horrifying events. I am just especially thankful for a few people who came into my life in the year. Ban, Nic, Jiayuan... some of the people who gave me the most support ever. Sooty, who makes me laugh quite a bit. And to some extent, Terry - a colleague from Futurebrand whom I might not always talk to, but is one of those whom I meet and believe deserve the good things in life. And also Erwin, who I occassionally bitch about life to, and is always there (can't believe we used to hate each other). I've had a few excellent project mates, and I got to work on CP with Winston, my relatively long time friend from business. Well, a few other people really made a difference to my life at different points too.

Unfortunately, at this point, when I look back at the year, the most striking thing is the lost of someone who was one of the people closest to me, ever. (Just to clarify, no one died). It was one of those people whom I always assumed I'd never fall out with, and forever share a great friendship with. Someone always there, whom I trusted with my life. Sadly, we fell out (by my own definition), twice over the year. And when it happened over no fault of mine, I felt completely betrayed, and blamed it on myself. Thankfully, it eventually became clear to me that sometimes, people just act in the worst ways, and we can't force them to change. And sometimes, we just have to give, without expecting anything in return. And forgive, without expecting anything in return.

But for now, after so long, and making excuses... I am finally. ANGRY. Not in a raging way, just really disappointed, and really delayed anger. And those who know me also know that I'm rarely angry... and its just really bizarre that I've truly forgiven, but am now angry. Maybe its just pride. Blah.

They say a leopard never changes its spots, but I still hope otherwise. The person in question has lost my respect, but I still care deeply enough to pray that he/she learns one day. And that life treats him/her well eventually.

I also have come to see that sometimes, shit happens, and we just have to suck it up. Without being too bitter and cynical about the unfairness of it all. Strength comes from accepting what you can't change.

Well, that sums up one major event of the year. More in a bit. For now, I'd like to settle into bed, and follow through the resolve to treat myself well by resting.

Ban and f.r.i.e.n.d.s

2008-12-24T23:58:00.002+08:00

Soup Spoon with BanBan

5th of March... erm, birthday of someone i used to know.

Anyway, I have a few good friends from my JC class, a few good friends from Uni, and also, a very special clique of girlfriends from Nanyang. They're sometimes not around, but we're always there for each other and that's what I love best about these girls - the support, and the comfort in the knowledge that at the end of the day, we stand by each other (I hope!). =) Anyway, it is also our yearly tradition to gather on 23rd Dec, to gossip, to take pictures, to be together... and lately, to catch up (given that its hard to get all of us together at the same time).

So this year, we gathered at Holland V. Jingyi, Elayne, Amanda and myself. Christine's in Beijing =(=( but she called us! And there's Pepper somewhere in the UK. Really enjoyed the evening, though some of us (well, ME) were really tired...and both Elayne and Jingyi were in purple! Well, Amanda was in purple too... in discreet ways.

Jingyi

Elayne and Amanda

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

sleepless in singapore

2008-12-22T03:32:00.003+08:00

I was interrupted from my sleep by a phone call, and... now I cannot sleep.

Being tired and unable to sleep leaves me depressed. Sometimes I look at all the things people tell me I've supposedly achieved, and ask myself if they stand for anything when they don't make me happy at all.

And yet, there's nothing else I can think of that I rather be doing. Its all very...

Pathetic. Meow.

Sorry. It's just that things keep seeming... blah lately. For no good reason. Time to do some soul searching and prep myself for the new year.

Lemon, Berry and Ban in the house!

2008-12-19T23:13:00.002+08:00

I'm really glad my DEH Nicholas Lemon Cheong is back in Singapore, safely and soundly. =) I don't think I have mentioned this before, but somehow Ban ban has become Nic's friend as well. Simply by buying us garden veggies to the biz library last semester... just like that, and viola, they're suddenly best buddies (who want to make a movie about me called Singapore Jungle).

So, Ban, Nic and I went out last night. It's quite kinda funny... they were on the phone with each other in the MRT when they both heard the sound of the door closing and realized they were in the same train!

Nic informed Ban that we only take 'stupid photos', which is very true.

Happy family.

This stupid pose began when I tried on a supposedly really 'sweet' dress, and Nic said I have to lift a foot up to complement it.

I don't know what they are doing...

Happy Family 2.

Erm, ribbon fettish, ha.

Anyway, it was an entertaining night. Ban becomes even more lame when he is around the lemon. (Or should I say lame-n). What made the night even better (and worst), was that all three of us got our meals at Delifrance free. The service was so attrocious that the manager insisted she waive charges. And I only complained because no one wanted to give us the bill, and I decided to walk up to the manager and ask for it. Anyway, the service lapses were just terrible. I shall just share what really blew it for me...

When Ban and Nic wanted their ice lemon tea refilled, the waiter actually asked, 'Do you mind if your cups are mixed up?' Incredulous- isn't it his duty to assume people do mind and return them their own cups? And when they took our glasses to refill, they just stacked them into each other, filled them with water and served it to us. Gross!

Had lunch with CheongCheong again today. It was great finally having some time to really chat about stuff and catch up, albeit really short. Suddenly I feel so appreciative of my friend, lol. =)

Bored

2008-12-17T14:22:00.002+08:00

I am still sick and missing my run/gym. =(

Of late, I've been bored. In fact, this has been going on for some time. Things, events, and (some) people bore me. I've developed an apathy to most things, and my own apathy bores me. Even TV is beginning to bore me, ever since the couple of weeks when I was on online television overdose. (then again, it might be just be the fact that I watched so much that there's no more desperate housewives/lipstick jungle episodes available online).

I was just telling Yuan Xin that I find myself to be a most boring person. I'm not very into all the 'in' stuff that youthful and energetic people are supposedly into -1.Kbox: Only been there with friends on a few occasions, but I wouldn't even propose it because I don't enjoy it.
2.Clubbing: Totally past it.
3. Drinking with friends: Have not touched alcohol for two years and I no longer allow anyone to pressure me into drinking just because everyone my age does it, or because it's fun to get 'high' (what high, I see no high when I feel so tired after that)
3. Xbox, Wii, PlayStation: I don't understand video/computer games, Wii was one the one time I tried it, but not engaging enough, PlayStation? I've never seen a PS in my life and couldn't care less.
4. Reading girl-magazines - cleo, vogue, 8days and what nots: I'd browse them if they were around, but most of the time, I don't like them enough to be willing to pay up to $10. I would call them 'toilet-stuff' - i.e. Something I'd read because I'm bored in the loo, haha. No offence to fans of Cleo and the likes... I see nothing wrong in them, they're perfectly fine, but just not quite among my interests. If I want to check out fashion, I rather go out and go shopping to see the real stuff.
5. There's probably a whole long list more which I have yet to know about because I'm just not into them and therefore, do not keep myself updated.

So the things I do? Hang out with really good friends, watch funny movies, play piano,teach piano, listen to classical music and other interesting stuff (well, okay, I still listen to new stuff on Power 98 and all when I'm running, but somehow the new stuff just aren't impressive),read BusinessWeek when I receive my copy when I get home on the weekends, practice piano, gym, jog, watch some dramas... they're boring, simple, plain stuff which I probably can't strike a conversation about.

But I'm perfectly fine with doing them... because, they're just me. I'd probably bore myself by tring to un-bore myself and engage in Playstation and what nots. I guess there are a couple of things I should start doing again though... which never used to bore me, and shouldn't now...

Like reading. It's been ages since I sat down to read. So many books sitting on the shelf waiting for me, but it just doesn't happen. I remmeber the days when I loved to read... even when it was some bimbotic shopaholic-series-type books. It helped past time and it was something I could do anytime (yes, including toilet time!).

Somehow, as time passes, I got into this routine of spending my free time on the internet... surfing god knows what. i'm not even much of an internet surfer! When time could have been spent reading, or actually doing something more productive.

Oh well, here's a bored rant coz I'm kinda taking a break from work now - because I was bored.

2008-12-14T22:14:00.002+08:00

I've made *most* of my Christmas cards. This year, I decided to make them myself on photoshop. It's nicer, and saves people the trouble of reading my illegible handwriting (which, btw, I am very proud of because I think it looks nice)... almost done, and I'm really proud of my cards. All personalized!

If anyone is planning on buying me a christmas present this year, I need a new metronome. One that will last me for a long time. My digital one totally conked out after awhile. What else do I need... besides a JOB... actually, I already have everything I need and more, so I should be content with just that!

This has been a really sickly weekend. Spent most of it pretty sedentary, and being upset that I can't run. =( Nevertheless, the sickness forced me to stay home and practice piano. I have so many things to prepare for - Jupiter (SootyCat, WHEN ARE YOU EVER PRACTISING WITH ME AGAIN?), Da Capo at Esplanade Library (my Grieg is in absolute shambles), and a 15 minute recital for Mizuho Bank's new year party (have to learn new pieces because they want Japanese music and popular, happy classical music). It's really frustrating to be practising so many things at a go because while playing one piece, I'm already thinking about how there are so many other scores sitting around waiting to be practised. Think I'll stay at home this whole week so that I can practise every morning and night again.

And then, I suddenly realized, I am indeed better. After all these while, finally things are slowly looking up. I've come to realized, forgiveness entails letting go of past injustices without condition, or expectations. If my forgiveness is accompanied by any conditions, its merely a mask for vengeance. The right thing is always hard to do, but that's what I want for myself. Surely, I hope all unhappiness heals and come to a nice closure, but if it doesn't, I'll accept that its the way things are, and its no fault of mine. After all, I deserve better, than to grieve over someone else's childish failures.

Welcome home Cheong Cheong!

2008-12-12T22:24:00.002+08:00

WHINE- Sick. Sore throat again. I guess, all the biscuits during work and tom yum got to me. Today was bad... my throat was hurting, but I still had to drag my arse down to Curtis to teach piano to little kids. Was so tempted to cancel, but I already missed last week's lesson!Teaching was fun... my three favourite kids (out of 4) came, so it made teaching less torturous. My most difficult student didn't turn up, and I was internally jumping for joy.

Well, and the good news is, NicNic is coming back tomorrow! So happy! Really missed my best friend in Biz School through this whole semester so much! Life is just not as fun without someone to laugh with me, drink coffee in the lib with, and just go totalLEE crazy. Welcome home cheong cheong when you see this! Berry and Lemon reunited, happy ending to the fruit story.

Gosh, just the fact that my crapping partner is on his way back on a plane now is making me more crappy already.

This week has been alright I guess. CP completed... caught up a bit with Kebs over dinner... met Linda for lunch... stayed over at Mouse's place last night... and had dinner with Erwin and his buddy Wee Siong last night, which made me laugh til my cheeks hurt.

Oh, a visit to Mizuho Bank yesterday afternoon showed me how un-adept I am to cultural differences. Just to give some background to this, thanks to the business school admin staff, I've gotten myself landed with the honour to put up a short recital at Mizuho Bank's new year party. So, yesterday, I made a trip over during lunch to collect some scores which they wished me to consider playing....but no, I was caught by surprise when the lady I was supposed to meet (Miya) led me to a room with sofas, bowed at me, and served me tea. And she spent the next half an hour making courteous conversation with me, praising me (for god knows what) and telling me about the event. She was so polite and formal that I felt a bit out of place... small little me being served tea in a big bank! And when I thought it was over, she said, 'My boss is coming to meet you now'. And then it was yet another round of formalities, pleasant talk, praises about how special I am because of the bank's special relationship with business school... and when I left, the boss and walked me all the way out, and bowed at me from outside as the lift door closed. Which made me want to cry at how helpless I felt being treated like that.

Haha, I'm not complaining... I was really impressed by how polite the Japanese are. I have long heard and read abot it, but have never experienced it to such a degree. An eye opener, I have to say. Which also means... I better be more prepared for the event. God knows what embarassing things I might do due to my lack of similar standards of politeness...

shagged

2008-12-08T22:14:00.002+08:00

Had dinner with BanBan at Marches today. It was a nice, super cold evening. Sorry I was so tired Ban...but the food was nice.

And I was so shagged because... I have barely slept in the past two nights. Started the non-stop CP since Friday evening...I usually spend Saturday afternoons practising all the way til lesson time, but last Saturday afternoon, I barely practised. I was churning out chapters after chapters of statistical findings on petrol kiosks... After piano lesson, it was back to CP until Sunday morning... went to teach piano, then had CP meeting...

After CP meeting, I was in major panic. So many things to write, and so little time. I wrote and wrote and wrote from last night (no, actually I spent a lot of time actually thinking about how best to present some stuff)... fell asleep for about four hours at 5am, and wrote until 2pm today.

And throughout last night, I kept thinking I was just going to burn out, breakdown, and panic at any moment. Of course I didn't have time to do anything like that, but I really had that tight feeling in my chest - the sensation that a major panic attack was going to strike any moment. Just kept telling myself to stay calm and keep writing, which I did.

But that's not the point. What I keep wondering is, why do I always allow myself to actually start panicking and think I can't make it? When I have always emerged absolutely fine. When I always know I will complete my work at the end. It's strange. I know I can do it, and yet I still freak out. It's sheer irrationality.

And when I emerge safe, sound and sane, I tell myself I've been so lucky all my life.

Oh, I really have to thank my DEH NicNic CheongCheong this time round. For all the encouragement all the way from Canada, and reminders to keep my cool. Thanks so much. Come back now!

meow

2008-12-06T17:03:00.003+08:00

Meow is my sheepish sound. I meow with a sheepish look.

Discipline, discipline and more discipline. I'm always striving for it, but always lacking. Which piano lesson once again reminded me off today. Discipline in practise regime, discipline in doing the things I set out to do each day, discipline in handling my personal life. What can I do, but keep trying.

Discipline to do the long run every saturday! Anyway, isn't this nice. Its the view at upper pierce reservor when you finally overcome the slopes on the long road in, and actually see the water. So in awhile, I'll be running there again. Maybe I should just do the reservoir twice today. Instead of going to Bishan Park.

I really meant to blog about this, but didn't have time. I lately discovered that Howl at the Moon has opened in Singapore! Dragged poor Sooty (well, it's not my fault that he refused to make a choice as to which movie to watch and thus, gave up his freedom of choice) to check it out on Tuesday evening. I was really surprised to see two pianos there! Duo piano rock and roll. I would say it's not bad, especially if there is a sizable crowd that is suitably drunk (it was bare on tuesday night), and even more so if you love the type of music they do. Not my type, but still, I'm biased towards pianos. Anyone wants to go with me again? Preferably on a more exciting night.

So much work to do, especially CONSULTING PRACTICUM, which is due on wed. Sighness. Then again, it's the last lap. I regret all the times I slacked.

Concurrently - internship work, practising Jupiter and a million other things (supposed to play for some Japanese bank's new year party on behalf of biz school), spending time to work on my technique at the piano (like, REALLY do it patiently), thesis (!!!ahh!!!)...

And of course run and gym like there's no tomorrow. Maybe it's a good thing my friends are away, don't need to spend time catching up, haha. But I miss them all...cheongcheong, and mr goh, come back already!

2008-12-04T22:08:00.002+08:00

Watched its my life with my fave Nanyang babes yest!

And soots and ban!

At Asian Civilization Museum Student Leaders Networking Event with Winston (see his slim tie!) and Boon.

2008-12-04T21:53:00.003+08:00

That's it. I've tried, I got my answer, and closure. I am going forward. And I will pick myself up. Whatever it takes.

2008-11-30T23:36:00.001+08:00

meow. small and lousy I feel. meow.

2008-11-30T08:02:00.003+08:00

Time after time, I choose to remind myself of things. It's like a bad habit I can't kick, and in a really warped way, don't wish to. Truth is, I have forgiven, but sometimes have to forgive over and over again. Even if its just a private thought.

I know the best way to fix it, but the means are inaccessible. Because its only the best way for me.

I guess we are all made differently. So however hard it is for me to even understand how others can bring themselves to do things they do, I have decided to simply endure. And wait for change. After giving so much, what is it to give that little more.

Anyway, we never know what may happen next. One of my dearest friends ever got caught in a terrorist explosion. I heard about it only when he was safe and sound, but I was still worried in an irrational, belated kind of way. The thought that you could lose something/someone any time. He told me the moment he heard the explosion, he thought of all the things he hadn't told others.

Life can be very short, so treasure the people who had made it better. And maybe, its time to live for the moment.

2008-11-30T00:14:00.003+08:00

Today, someone whom I respect very much said certain things which left me feeling very disappointed and crappy. Somehow, I don't like it when I'm not being treated seriously. Surely I don't live up to expectations sometimes (or maybe very often), but I have never approached it 'for fun'.

Nevertheless, I always value frankness, so I can't complain. It's just the way I (privately) reacted to the situation.

I think there's one thing people generally don't know about me - probably because its not a common trait, or because I was never like that in the past - I don't mind it when people talk down to me. Not that I think it's fine to talk down to people, but I don't get angry or agitated if people talk down to me. I only have two reactions - If I believe in the ability of the person in question, and value his words, I accept it as constructive criticism that I should learn from. If I think the person in question has no right, or doesn't know what he is talking about, I simply... tell myself the person is venting his insecurities by hurling nonsense at me, maybe whine about it to a friend, and then simply put it aside. In short, being talked down to doesn't unnerve me, or cause very much distress. Just a thought that crossed my mind today.

Anyway, piano lesson left me feeling quite pathetic today. I was made to play something which I haven't played for some time (been learning up my new Mozart)... and it just FRUSTRATES me that I can be so darn unfamiliar with the notes, and have to be told things I have been told before. Yea, I haven't practised, but still... I have even performed that piece before a few months back. Sometimes I don't believe how terrible I can be, and it leaves me really discouraged about my playing. :( Oh well, what to do, but work harder this week, and whenever I can. I am a hoax, a Nuspe president who can't play piano!

Speaking of talking down. Sometimes I talk down to myself quite a lot (well, obvious right). And that's probably the only time when talking down really gets to me. But then again, without such 'constructive criticism', sometimes we get all complacent and never ever move forward...

I am going crazy! I ran 12km today and I felt like I haven't exercised. Almost went another round Bishan Park but decided to draw the line at there, and do CP. So much writing!

Slave to coffee.

2008-11-29T17:50:00.004+08:00

I am seriously a coffee addict. I need my morning dose, and if there wasn't strong enough, probably another dose by 3pm. Today, before piano lesson, I found myself searching for coffee at the void deck near my teacher's house. Not having enough time to drink a cup, and knowing that my teacher doesnt like it when I carry drinks into his place, I gulped down a can of coke.

After lesson, my head felt like it was going to explode. Not having caffeine is like a reverse hangover... you feel all shitty from not consuming something. Sigh.

And I started feeling so depressed! A short nap didn't do that, so here I am gulping down iced coffee before heading out for long run...

Yes, today is super long run day. Once a week, I go for a super long run and I make sure I run more than 10km. I don't feel like it today...but ugh, I better get my ass going.

2008-11-27T22:36:00.003+08:00

I've started internship at Blugrapes Pte Ltd, a marketing consultancy firm. Actually, it's probably more like a part-time job since I only work from Mon-Thu (have to teach piano on Fri!). Work's fine so far, still adapting to the ice-box of a office and feeling my way about to get a hang of the company and its work. Oh, and it's really near Linda's workplace, so I get to meet her for lunch!

Anyway, I guess work is a great way to keep myself occupied and actually do something meaningful, instead of just rotting away, feeling miserable and all. When I have things to do, especially when it involves semi-stable working hours, I once again feel in control of my whole life. Just feels so neat to always have something to do at certain times, however much of a boring routine it may be.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I like flexibility, but I also need routine. I couldn't stand it if my boss expected me to plant my butt on a chair (the office chair is so comfy that I feel like stealing one back) every second I am in the office and do nothing but work. I like to have the option of going out for a short walk or take a break when I really need one. I'd probably be really pleased if I can watch TV during my break (haha). BUT I also CRAVE routine. I want to know I have to be somewhere, doing something, at certain times of the day, without fail. It just makes me feel safer, like I wouldn't screw up somewhere along the way. I guess, even if I took breaks, I'd probably end up taking them at fixed timings.

I am very weird. And I am beginning to understand why Kim likes Bree. She is so... perfectly organized, always calm, forever in control of things. So... cool, and full of grace even in the worst situations. And she speaks in such a perfect way. So clean, so tidy. She is Madam Perfect!

Me? I'm a Bree wannabe. Little Miss Perfect Wannabe. haha. I always SWEAR I'd keep my room clean and tidy, but never fail to abuse it. And about once in 2-3 weeks, I go, 'OH SHIT. I have lost control of my room once again and I cannot stand looking at it in this state another second' and go on a massive spring cleaning to put everything in order. Yesterday, I was seriously anal-ing over my room and I think Boon Hui was so amused staring at me.

By the way, I didn't swear to keep the room perfect again because I know myself. I am not Bree, I am only Bree once in 2-3 weeks.

Anyway, I am looking for a partner. To be precise, a RUNNING PARTNER.

Criteria:

-Can run 5km in <30minutes>

-Can run non-stop for at least 12km

-Ideally lives in PGP, Thomson, or willing to relocate

-Willing to run practically everyday.

-Able to drag me to run on my 'Today, exercise is my enemy days' (Yes, I DO get those days. I have a love-hate relationship with exercise).

Send in resumes right here, on my tagboard.

I decided to push myself a bit while running. While running with Boon Hui yesterday, I discovered how slack I've been. I'd go the distance, but at a pace so slow I'd probably see snails crawling by if I looked at the ground. I was almost (almost, not yet!) out of breath running with Boon. Today, I decided to time myself, and it took me nearly 27 minutes to do 1 round NUS. Not too bad, but time to get faster!

Since I was too lazy to run another round, I headed to the gym and then... I don't know what in the world made me decide to do a 10 minute run on the treadmill, incline =5, speed = 9.5km/hour. OMG it was the most TIRING 10 minute run EVER. I always prided myself for liking to run up slopes, but ten minutes of incline non-stop felt like forever. I think its time I do this 10 minute thing at the gym now and then, good training for endurance!

Today was one of those the-longer-i-am-in-the-gym, the-more-i-want-to-stay days. After treadmill, I decided to lift a bit of weights, despite having already worked out in the morning. And seriously, I just wished I could go on and on, and work out til I am aching so bad I can't walk or something. But I forced myself out soon enough so that I could do work. Actually, I think this I-want-to-exercise-til-i-drop-dead syndrome comes when there's loads of work to be done. After all, exercise is more fun than the sch work and work-work waiting back in my room.

I make myself sound so busy, but actually, I've been playing Scrabble with Anirban (it's my favourite game, ever!) and watching Sex and the City through dinner. Speaking of Sex and the City, I LOVE charlotte.... she is so... perfect like Bree!

2008-11-26T00:19:00.004+08:00

What we want sometimes, we cannot have. Can't force it, can't rush it, can't change it. And so what can I do, but accept, and still myself a bit.

Maybe no amount of time can heal this situation we're in, or where I brought myself to, however much it means to me. I can only hope, otherwise accept.

So, from now on, this burden is mine. All of it.

I now see myself in a very different light. I gain my validation from the world around me. Where else? When the never-perfect girl in me can never provide any assurance.

And when everything just seems to be going the other way, it just seems like its time to chase the perfect life. The illusion that, at its most illusive, looks like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I have an interesting job now. Time to work hard. Internship, CP, Thesis... time to get my engine running. I cannot imagine. Especially because-

The gym, running, and piano are all also part of that perfect life.

Today was my 'long run' day but I had a stomachache, and was too moody to run. I MUST do the long run, or at least do the gym/run tomorrow. Otherwise, once I stop, it's so hard to jump back into that wonderful routine I do to keep my cool! I've stopped before- the last major break being summer vacation. No more. Never will I ever let myself stop for any extended period unless injury/age/circumstances force me to. UGH I feel so GUILTY for not running today.

Now I know, I'll be all edgy and dying to run when I'm in the office tomorrow. Just like how I was running over the weekend, but itching for Monday morning to come so that I can dash straight into the gym. I just can never sit still when I break my routine, it's crazy!

Sometimes, I treasure my friends so much because they remind me to laugh. This is Ban Ban's interpretation of Lipstick Jungle! Which, by the way, is a DAMN cool show about 3 powerful women (yes, its the age of women!). The coolest part? It's set in New York City, the land of all glamour, pain and ice. I watch it and go, 'Hey I've been there!', 'Oh I walked there!', 'Oooo I I missed that place!'

Man, I do miss New York City. Are we ever happy where we are? I remember the days of missing my friends so darn much while I was there. But also, the days when I just... felt so blessed to be in NYC! So, the best thing to do is teleport my whole life there, including all my friends.

Now, onward to the next NYC show- Sex and the City!

I just have to rant one more time - SHIT, why didn't I exercise today! Now I feel SO UGH.

2008-11-25T12:37:00.001+08:00

I am a (stupid) perfectionist who can never get things perfect, but is always trying to be more perfectionistic than ever.

Is it wrong to strive to be perfect?

2008-11-20T19:39:00.001+08:00

Save me from this wreck.

2008-11-18T16:14:00.001+08:00

I HATE HAVING TO USE MY BRAINS. Using my brains makes me feel stupid.

Dear Sooty

2008-11-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

As promised, I will blog about you. haha.

Thank-you for burning the DVD for me. I am so happy that the files are so organized, and the tracks are titled properly. It is much better than downloading messy tracks myself. I look forward to hours of pleasurable music by Joni Mitchell, Brahms, Damien Rice, Julie Andrews, Soler (hoho), Gustav Holst, Grieg and someting-Hancock. I'm sure it will provide me comfort as I (finally) embark on the depressing task of developing a thesis, in order to graduate.

I am very touched. You took the trouble to painstakingly dig up your MP3s and organize them into folders, rename them into proper titles, and transfer them into a DVD. I also know I am imagining that you did all those.

You are truly the best partner on Jupiter and Mars. If you let me win you in Scrabble, I might promote you to be best in Saturn too. Best on earth is your ultimate goal, and definitely, the most challenging.

Thank-you very much.

Yours Empress-ly,

Partner

PS: Judging from my tagboard, you have many competitors who wish to be blogged about too. Count yourself blessed by my grace in bending to your wishes.

______________________________________________

Today is a work-day. I did my CP report from morning til night, save for a (long) run and gym session in between. I like the days when I feel like I can focus, and today was one of those days. Except, except, except- I just have to bitch. I hate editing reports, especially when there are a gazillion tables/figures to align, add captions to and standardize. Gawd, such anal, boring, mundane tasks. No wonder I had to watch desperate housewives in between.

Wait, that means I didn't do that much work after all. =(

Good Old Music

2008-11-16T00:38:00.002+08:00

And I mean really OLD music. Thanks to my dearest secretary Sherilyn, I discovered that the NUS library has an electronic music database (Naxos) and you can listen to many cd's online! So, I started listening to classical music all day. Started with Mozart's K 442 (Sonata in F Major), which I'm in the midst of learning and am falling in love with... and then other Mozart Sonatas. I haven't really listened to classical music (literally, music from the classical era) for a really long time, and I almost forgot how soothing it could be. On a superficial listening, I delight in their simplicity and sense of regularity... but if one listens with more care, they can be very complex indeed. I guess, such is the genius of the classical greats - putting together a variety of ideas into notes, in such a logical fashion.

Right now, I'm listening to the second movement of Beethoven's Pathetique. Here's a good recording by Glenn Gould. What can I say, it is absolutely beautiful. So calm, so peaceful. But so melancholic, so troubled. Using a modern term, it could be so emo.

I Finally Succumbed...

2008-11-15T19:51:00.004+08:00

...and bought myself a watch which measures the distance I run! Just tested it out with a 12km run and it is rather accurate. Yay. No longer have to juggle so much with my paranoid self... of weird thoughts like 'I can't possibly have run this much'. Then again, paranoia made me decide I should always subtract about 200m from the distance the watch records just to avoid overestimation, haha! Time to run my soul heart out, wear my socks out, sweat my angst out!

Anyway, as usual, Sooty complained I did not blog about him... so here goes-We made some plans to do something to make up for the concert we didn't watch because he had essays and what-nots, but...

Sooty fell sick...

and then I fell sick...

But we both recovered, so we watched Brideshead Revisited. It's a really intense show, with a very chilly, equally intense type of theme song. Anyway, I wanted to watch it because I did a project on this during my Movie Marketing Course when I was on exchange. It's quite exciting to see it really on screen... since I got a preview of the script doing the project, way before it was filmed (our lecturer was from Miramax Studios, so he gives us real scripts to work on.) The show's not something I'd typically watch- the serious, deep, thought provoking type. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. It was surprisingly interesting, about catholism, homosexuality... in a very subtle, but provocative kind of way. (You know, when you come out of the theatre,you are wondering where you should stand on all these.) Serious stuff is good now and then.

Back to Sooty. We've started challenging each other with Scrabble. Unfortunately, I have only won one game so far. =( He keeps pretending to be nice by giving me opportunities to use the triple word spaces...while saving up stuff to bomb me with his 7-letter show downs.

And instead of practising Jupiter on Friday... we watched House. That's not the special part... we watched HOUSE IN CFA, with the projector (All Nuspe readers, pretend you never saw this.) Yep, there're pictures, but they're still in my hp, and way too criminal for public display. So, there we were, watching House, and eating Nissin Tom Yum cup noodles.

House doesn't go too well with food though. Some parts are nauseating. Made me feel like I need to go do a full, no short-cuts, whole body check up, just to make sure I have no tapeworms in my brain, or remnants of diseases from my baby days of something.

I have to start working hard. I dont' have exams... but my consulting practicum is fast on its way to rotting... AND my thesis, is non-existent.

More running

2008-11-12T20:10:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I get such a high from running that I have to blog about it.

Today, it was raining, so I grudgingly decided to trudge on the treadmill. It turned out rather satisfying, as I comfortably clocked 5km in about 28 minutes. I was so satisfied with myself! 10km/hour, 10.5km/hour, 11km/hour, 11.3km/hour... felt so good to be pressing the 'increase' button without getting breathless.

I wonder if I am presently capable of doing a whole 10km under an hour. The last time I did it was 1.5 years ago and I remember sensations of exploding lungs while dashing to the finishing line.

Anyway, I was on such a high from the easy 5km today that I was so tempted to do another 5. Unfortunately, work beckoned.

I no longer like running on flat ground. Running on the threadmill is not only boring, but is akin to running on completely flat ground. And it makes me feel like my legs haven't moved an inch. That's why I love running outside, round NUS... to feel the short moments of breathlessness and the stretch of the muscles in my legs as I climb uphill.

I love, I love, I love running til I'm high.

Did I mention, it rained yesterday and I ran 2 rounds NUS in the aftermath of it. The first round was kind of grueling because I was tired, but by the second round, I was high on endorphins!

2008-11-12T16:22:00.003+08:00

Keep Running

Run, run, keep running,

Having begun I keep going,

Stopping is not an option.

Pain fades with patience.

Run, run, for my life,

With endophins I feel alive.

Nowhere but ahead I keep my eye,

Cars are passing and I-

Run, run, to avoid.

That path destroyed.

The spirit seemingly dead,

But needs to trudge ahead.

Run, run, keep running,

Made to begin I must keep going.

Stopping is not an option,

Pain is unkind, but love has patience.

2008-11-11T11:28:00.003+08:00

I've always tried my best to treat those around me objectively, and so I accept most flaws. I try not to judge. Tales of infidelity, cheating, bitchiness, lies, dishonesty-we're all only human, and so there was always something else to throw these aside. For what is love, if isn't forgiving, understanding. But selfishness- its a bit different. Because it hurts, when its used against you.

What can I say, except that I've accepted it. With much struggle, because I too, am selfish. We all are.

There're so many things I wish to say, but cannot. Out of fear, and acceptance.

This morning, I looked into the mirror, and I see the part I had to play in all of these. All those times. Even though I don't like it very much-

I cannot go on, because there're things in this day to look forward to, and I don't want to ruin them.

2008-11-09T00:37:00.002+08:00

Today, I finally got my arse going and ran for the first time since Tuesday. (gripe: I JUST CANNOT STAND NOT EXERCISING) And yay, I ran for the longest distance in a long long time...

In and out Upper Pierce Reservoir (6km?)

Upper Pierce to Bishan Park (1km?)

1 round Bishan Park (3.3km)

I no longer can run crazily, but it really feels good to go the distance sometimes! And as usual, running makes me feel like life is in control, as usual. (And it was been VERY out of control). RARR I wish I had the time and energy to run so much everyday! Anyway, the sky was a very beautiful shade of purple today.

Today, something really amusing happened to me during piano lesson, for both myself and my piano teacher, in different ways. Here's what happened-

Me: *Drop pencil into teacher's piano, panicked because I thought I was going to get scolded*

Mr Ku: Don't worry. *Reaches to take pencil out*

Me: Scared you scold me because CFA scold us for dropping pencil in key.

Mr Ku: I found that really entertaining.

Me: What?

Mr Ku: You had that split second of panic on your face. Rare classic moment. I thought you're always really calm and cool.

Me: hurhur *thinks of all the irony*

Mr Ku: I like it when I discover my students' vulnerabilities. Shows that they are not perfect.

Me: No one is perfect.

Mr Ku: But many people act as if they were.

What amused me so much (and I'm still kind of tickled til now), is that he thought I am usually calm and cool. Omg, I would never associate myself with calm! I think I panic more easily then most.

Well, on second thought, maybe I don't appear like I panic because I usually just keep it in. While I'm having visions of my heart popping out of my mouth in my head. (wow, I mentioned three body parts in one sentence.)

Life this entire semester has been crazy. When I peer down into myself, I see my disordered self, my disordered habits, my disordered brain, and disordered life. And then, I wonder whether I should laugh, or cry. Because I have absolutely no idea how I managed to get to where I am, getting the things I get, doing the things I do, and losing the things I lose. Honestly, I have no idea what I have done to deserve all the good things and bad things in my life.

And it's funny how life gets so much more disordered because I try so hard to arrange it neatly.

2008-11-07T02:06:00.002+08:00

I AM ACHING. AND ACHING from badminton. My arms are so painful I know I can't play piano. And my back is so painful that I had to squat down with my back straight just to throw something in the dustbin today, with Winston laughing at me.

And. I have not ran in two days. Have not gymmed in two days. Have not swam in three days! AHHHH

And I spent the past two days at night doing nothing but writing, and writing AND WRITING my consulting practicum report. I cannot see the word Caltex for at least 48 hours. I would simply just go nuts.

Freaking out!

The Orderly Life

2008-11-05T09:57:00.004+08:00

Life the past two days have been rather good. My definition of the good life is when everything feels in order, and tha was the case on Monday, and yesterday. I like it when I feel in control of everything.

So, yesterday was filled with work, and then gym/running, and then work and TV at night. Just like that, and it makes me feel calm! As if everything I need to do is at the tip of my fingers, ready to be done, without interference of messy things.

Goodness, I sound psycho. Isn't anyone else like that? I just like to lead my life without interruptions. Except there are usually interruptions, haha.

Like DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. AHHHHHHH, I've lagged behind so much, and I just discovered you can watch it on www.videostic.com, and ever since, I can hear DH calling my name as I study. I've been watching two episodes a day!

Oh, life is not THAT orderly. I've been really absentminded and careless lately, which leaves me feeling so frustrated at my own stupidity! Okay, maybe not stupidity, sheer careless-ity! On Wednesday night, I discovered that I keyed in some of my survey results wrongly into SPSS (our data analysis software), causing my teammate to redo the analysis again.

And then, yesterday, I lost my hostel key. I think I accidentaly threw it into the dustbin. And while panicking over it, I lost my cool slightly with a friend. =( It's horrible, the latter. I rarely lose my cool at people until they seriously get on my nerves... and my poor friend didn't really do anything much. =( This is a learning lesson- our circumstances shouldn't be imposed on others.

Kind of ironic, since I told the same thing to a friend who lost his temper lately. Oh well, we keep learning I guess.

I like playing with photoshop, especially when I should be doing everything else but playing with photoshop. I am a horrible friend who forgot to wish Linda Happy Birthday, despite actually remembering her birthday by heart. And I decided to make her a card, lol. I think it's quite nice (hope she thinks so too), though admittedly, it could have been much more perfect (i.e. pink wordscoloured nicely, resolution of each layer consistent) if I had 2 more hours to do it.

Oh, and soon after that it was Ray's birthday, so I decided to make just one more...this one was quite different. Had a hard time figuring out how to best blend in the sunset picture.

Anyway, I recently had a new revelation. Photoshop gives you all the tools to play around with pictures but do funky stuff, but its your creativity (and brains, haha) that is the key to figuring out how to use these in combination. I'm sure different people can achieve the same effects in different ways! I find it quite interesting. It's a problem solving process:

1. Think of the problem (e.g. I need to make the colours of this picture nicer, and blend it with another picture)

2. Think of the tools you can use (e.g. curves, contrast, filter, smudge- this is so noob, haha, blur)

3. Think of how best to use them in combination, in the right order, to achieve the right effect. (This takes practice, and sometimes, a bit of thinking!)

4. For the hardcore photoshoppers: Ask yourself how you could have achieved the same effect in a faster way.

I'm sure really experienced people just know what to do, lol.

CCF and his prize!

2008-11-03T21:37:00.004+08:00

haha, I've a prize (no money), which I got because Kebs helped to nominate me a few months ago. I didn't manage to attend the prize giving ceremony because I had something important to do for Nuspe session...

But anyway, what makes me happiest about this prize is that Dr Helen Chai, one of the Assistant Deans of Business School, received it on my behalf at the ceremony. I am really very honoured to have Dr Chai represent me. She is really one of the most wonderful, supportive persons at Business, to myself as well as other students. I'm always amazed by her dedication to her job. Actually, I discovered Helen nominated me for the same award, but they rejected hers...haha.

So, I stopped by her office to get the prize today, and she chatted with me awhile, telling more more about options I may consider should I choose to pursue a career in the arts industry.

And Helen is so cute and sweet. She collected a copy of the programme, and the door gift for me! haha. Don't know why that amused me so much. That's why CCF is so happy... hahaha.

2008-11-03T18:42:00.002+08:00

haha, last night was webcam night. Here's the attempt to take a picture with NicNic on webcam. There I am at the corner. Nic's room is messier than mine!

Anyway, it's Raymond's birthday today, so we had lunch together. I'm trying to make it a point to have lunch with my dear bro once a week. Really miss the times when we hung out loads in PGP.

AND I forgot to wish Linda Happy Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL. Hopefully we get to meet up. I'll call. Oh yea, I'll be starting internship near your office!

Time to get back to work in the biz library. Photoshop seems so damn fun when I'm busy.

Jiayuan and I

2008-11-03T00:09:00.000+08:00

Life in Disarray

2008-11-02T02:16:00.002+08:00

Lately, my life has been in disarray, despite me tidying up my entire PGP hole at the start of the week, telling myself I need to treat myself well.

I am really horrible. I can take care of anyone, anything, except myself. I am a walking irony, an epitomy of extremism, a living, breathing oxymoron.

Let's see, I exercise out of this irrational need to feel fit (which I rarely ever feel), but I'm not particularly mindful of my health. Time and time again, I tell myself to watch the toxins I throw into my mouth, and think of the consequences, but I don't. I'm seriously addicted to caffeine, and started consuming (very expensive) sugar free red bull to up the caffeine in my brain instantly. This week, I resisted and stuck to coffee. But today, I gave in and drunk Red Bull on the way to piano class. Why? Because I was feeling depressed, and lousy. And I believe caffeine makes me happy.

Interestingly, Ray once pointed out that caffeine works well due to a placebo effect...interesting thought. Highly possible, since I immediately think I'm happier once I've drowned myself in caffeine.

On top of that, I lived on cup noodles for almost three weeks. And no matter how many times I tell myself to stop eating biscuits and cereals, I still do, because I am so sick of PGP's disgusting food. My room is often a mess, clothes all over, notes etc. (not now since I just tidied it, swearing to be SO TIDY for the umpteenth time of my life).

All these suggest I'm a completely wayward, dishevelled person - certainly not traits of a perfectionist. And yet, I can be so damn perfectionistic in other areas of my life that it kills me. Truth is, I'm all, or else, I'm nothing. With something, I want them perfect. With the rest, I just can't bring myself to take the effort.

My life is a clutter now, despite the spruced up room. Rather, my emotions, the thoughts in my head, the work... my exercise routine has been disrupted by illness. And I HATE it when my routines are interrupted. I am consumed by guilt and the irrational part of me things I have degenerated into an unfit, limpy piece of thing.

I'm trying so hard to remind myself to treat myself well. (Chants: My body, my soul, my mind, are my temples) I seriously need to stop all else I'd be hated down the path of self-destruction again. I feel like a bomb ticking ever so slowly, but surely to explode some day.

I suddenly miss NicNic. If I could, I'd give him a great big hug. And seek some solace in our crazy ways. And I know we will understand- we and our extreme ways. We're seemingly different, but fundamentally the same. We just practice extremism on different things.

Hoho, I've just invented the new school of thought - the school of extremism. Only for the craziest, most destructive people.

I pray for strength to stand up and start decluttering again. I pray for my dearest friend, who needs comfort.

2008-10-29T23:28:00.002+08:00

Deep down in my heart, I know why. But I resist, and refuse.

It's a sad day. Besides sending my parents to the airport, I had to send my auntie's maid too (who is my maid's sister-in-law). Her husband aruptly died of cardiac arrest in his sleep (no signs of illness before that) and she's going back for good. Somehow, I feel rather affected by this. It's just tragic. She has been here for some time, and has two kids back home. How must it be for the kids, to see their father go, and not have their mother around? And for her? Working in Singapore, trying to provide for the family, only to never see her husband again. I just felt so down thinking about it.

When I picked her up from my aunt's place, I discovered she had to cope with yet another loss, on top of things back home which must be occupying her mind. She has grown attached to my aunt's family, especially the three children, whom she has been taking care off since they were just infants. And she has to leave them, all so suddenly.

I've been troubled by other things to. My dearest friend who's going through a difficult time. I can't say much, but only listen. For I think I understand. After all, I have been through it, in my own ways.

And the state of affairs has been sorely disappointing to me. And above all, beyond everything that has happened, it's just so sad. Maybe I treat others too seriously, and there lies my weakness. And so, when they have to make an exit from my life, I grieve over old times.

I don't think I'll find such a person in my life ever again. Nor will I let myself, for its just too difficult.

Ruined

2008-10-27T02:30:00.001+08:00

You did it.

2008-10-25T23:12:00.002+08:00

Today, both NicNic and Jiayuan called from Canada and Sweden respectively. I miss them so much. Somehow, life is a tad lonelier and sadder without them to talk to at any time. =(

Sometimes we just have to learn to deal. alone. I'm learning, trying.

iwriteaboutsooty

2008-10-25T01:26:00.003+08:00

Sooty said that it doesn't count when I blog about him because he said he wants me to. I have to do it out of my ___________ (fill in the blank). In that blank was the word Sooty tried so hard to find, but could not articulate - it is not heart, sincerity, whim, fancy, desire, wish.

It was one of his three lapses of vocabulary for the day, so I thought its worthy enough to blog about.

More about Sooty - Today, we practiced together in the AR and we started doing our own private imitation of our other Nuspe performers. HAHAHA. And then converted my Chopin solo into a six hands by playings the left-hand part with two hands while I played the right. And then into a choral piece by having us sing the outer voices while I played the inner voice. And then did a pseudo Mars - i.e. I play what I remember, Sooty play the same note over and over again.

It was hilarious.

So here concludes my post about Sooty.

Oh must add:
Me: Who are you!
Sooty: I am Sooty!
Sooty: Who are you not?
Me: I am not sooty!

(okay, private joke. But people interested to know can e-mail me at iamnotsooty@gmail.com)

Teaching (piano) today was rather fulfilling, seeing improvements in two of my kids. I've a really nice student called Aline and she can never remember my name - today, she went, ' bye miss vanessa... no miss veronica, no, miss Helen...' And later, she popped back in and said 'BYE MISS LEE!!!' Haha.

I feel tremendously guilty. As I have been sick AND LAZY. So I used sickness as an excuse not to do work. And I have not exercised in a few days, OMG. Guilt, guilty, guilt. Feel like I'm getting less fit by the second and about to wilt away.

People think I have it easy because...

2008-10-24T13:02:00.001+08:00

I am _ _ _ _ _ and have an _ _ _ _ ing _ _ _.

I'm living proof that all these don't count.

So, what?

2008-10-23T22:17:00.002+08:00

Why I act(ed) like such a bitch, I don't know. I have over time become someone I have always strived not to be, consumed by pride, and my own world, ideas, feelings. I'll promise to stop.

Be it lovers, friends, or family. When they leave, you have to get over it, and getting over is never easy. Its a stab on your pride, an admission of being powerless over our external world - for we can't control who leaves-

And leaves a void behind. Some voids are easily filled, or need no filling. Some voids, are forever void. For memory guards it selfishly, long after its owner has left.

On other news, my laptop crashed. Along with ALL the data. Also, I am feeling so sick, and guilty for not exercising and doing work for two days. Sigh!

2008-10-21T22:51:00.002+08:00

A select group of people who know me well enough will know why these are very special pictures. Very rare indeed.

Winston and I outside LT17, the place we met during FNA class.... and the start of a practical, mututally parasitic relationship consisting of free car rides (me), and textbook exchange (him), tutorial tuition (him).

And anyway, I'm determined to get a TAN.

Over and over again

2008-10-19T22:38:00.004+08:00

Its the same old chronic cycle of confusion, cries, and sheer craziness. It's been a long time since I've had complete peace within, with.

So many times I'm tempted to retreat into my own world, cry out, walk out- yet, with-out comes loneliness, shame, hurt. And lately, fear. I'm so many fears, about myself, about others. And above all, the fear of abandonment and abandoning.

I've been changed. I no longer dare trust, dare speak/act with abandonment. I fear judgement, annoyance and, I fear the loss. I once led a very quiet, dangerous life, by myself. And then I learnt to let it out, to let others in. Apparantly I've learnt to well. Maybe its time to fade back, fade away, and be forgotten-

Yet, what's done is done. What's forgiven has been, truly, sincerely. And yet, only time will tell if I'm made to forgive, and forget.

There was a time, not too long ago, I thought I had seen the light. I believed I enjoyed life, I loved myself, others and the things I did. I thought things had finally turned around. Now, the things I love, I still love and enjoy. But never in the same way because-

The rest I cannot say. So I sit, and look out-

2008-10-18T07:52:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was Nuspe's concertino (an internal concert serving as a platform for people to perform what they like)! I helped Julien (from France!) and Wu Yue (from China) prepare and we also played a short six hands one piano work together. Apparantly, most people thought our six hands was cute! =) And I'm really proud of their duet item, 'The Entertainer', especially Wu Yue, who was worried she would not be able to improvise or remember what I told her. It turned out really well!

This is my picture from the Tapestry concert. So intent! LOL

Some of the new guy members of NUSPE. I edited this photo and I like the effect!

T - T. Get it? Terry Tong. Met him and Nicole for lunch on Tuesday after my p&g test. I like Terry! He was my colleague at FutureBrand (but I was SLIGHTLY senior since he joined after I joined as an intern) and he's really nice!

And my new duo partner is... SOOTYcat!

I admit it. I've a problem - I'm an exercise whore, a slave to the concept of being fit enough (which is never ever). I ruminate over exercise all the time - Do I have time to exercise today, what if I'm too tired later, what if I can't exercise, if I don't gym today does it mean I become less fit instantly, if I don't run does it mean I'm losing stamina, if I'm more tired when I run today, it must mean I have become SO LOUSY! In fact, sometimes, I think about exercise so much that I realized I could have jsut gone out and finished exercising in that time.

And I've given up on changing - at least I don't go on crazy exercise sprees, and run longer and longer, as I used to do (back in JC), and time myself. But I just HAVE to feel fit by making sure I get to exercise regularly. That's why I start feeling really lousy during the weekends when I'm at home and I don't exercise. To solve the problem, I have taken to sleeping a bit earlier, and waking up at 6+am everyday to run and gym for an hour or so - at least I get exercising out of the way right from the start, and i can focus on other things throughout the day!

I guess it's fine. I've learnt to exercise in moderation - run 4km, gym a bit, or swim like 15 laps. Speaking of swimming, I went swimming yesterday, and suddenly, I couldn't do my freestyle AGAIN. Throat was feeling a bit sick, and for some reason, when my throat is uncomfortable, I awlays feel sick swimming. And I started getting all self critical about being so unfit because I only swim once a week, blah and blah and blah. Okay, I do have a problem, haha. Used to it.

2008-10-16T23:37:00.003+08:00

Today, I sat down to practice Jupiter, when a moment of sadness and regret passed through me.

It stings. It doesn't matter what I do, how I act, how I try to be - either way it all stings and it's only because of me and my mind.

I need a great big bear hug that will convince me that my world will be right.

Its 12 midnight, the morning is young...

2008-10-16T00:06:00.001+08:00

Goodnight! In view of constant urge to exercise and need for discipline, I'm fully determined to wake up at 6am everyday to run... to get rid of exercise distraction early in the day, and facilitate discipline.

I would so fit into army.

2008-10-13T23:49:00.001+08:00

Why like that =(

Let me trust, and I'll let it heal

2008-10-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

2008-10-12T09:59:00.001+08:00

What makes me act like such a difficult bitch, I've no idea.

Can't have everything

2008-10-10T23:49:00.003+08:00

What comes around goes around.

I guess I've been lucky in my life to gain some things, and therefore, have to lose some. No one has it all, right?

In recent times, I've lost a lot. One big blow, and then somemore. From yesterday til now, I received two pieces of bad news. Things I've been hoping badly for (maybe in some desperate hope for some kind of temporary compensation for the pain I feel), and worked for.

And suddenly, I've fears of more blows, in months to come. Such insecurity I'm predisposed to, and lately, things seem to be telling me that they are not just insecurities, but cold hard truths.

That I am just not good enough.

That can't be it right?

And yet, it nags and nags.

Today, as I settled into the long bus ride home, I had a moment of sadness, as I have been having lately, when left to my own devices. I just took out my book, and read.

The core, that's a very precious thing, but I didn't guard it well. And the disappointment just stings.

Morning Surprise

2008-10-10T09:02:00.003+08:00

Last night, I KNEW I would stop doing anything productive the moment I left the library and came back to pgp. And true enough, I started feeling unhappy with myself and stuff, and went to sleep at midnight, filled with guilt - I live a life of guilt. No work = guilty, no exercise = guilty, no piano = guilty. For me, the opposite of the word 'guilt' is 'self-expectations'.

Anyway, having not moved a bit yesterday, I swore to wake at 6am today to run. I climbed out of bed at 6:30am, had a can of red bull (to kid myself into thinking i'd be definitely more energised) and thus more willing to run... and checked my e-mail. I saw a mail 'sich selbst lieben' and I almost deleted it, thinking it was spam. Thank goodness I know some German and understood the title. Someone from nuspe sent me a note of encouragement, and I was really touched. =)

Anyway, I'm feeling better now. I ran 8km (I can't believe the sun was blazing by 7:30am) and then gymmed a bit. May I ache non-stop through the day and revel in the satisfaction. Mmmm.

Sich Selbst Lieben

You have the right to love yourself.

You are allowed to be yourself,
feel comfortable with yourself,
discover and know yourself,
like a man knows his lover.

Nothing will enable you
to love others,
except to love yourself.
Hence every action
of self-love
is a guide that brings you closer to others.

It is important
that you leave time for yourself.
Love needs time to develop.
If there is no time,
neglect will follow,
and when you neglect yourself,
you lose yourself.
And when you lose yourself,
you lose the ability
to love others.

When love grows,
so does your imagination.
You will develop new ideas
about whom you really are,
or who you would like to be.

You will discover the worlds inside you
that you can conquer during your imaginative journey;
You will sense your value
and your potential unleashed.

The more you know yourself,
the more creative is your love.
Watch it take shape and enable you
to love others in different ways.

But it is not always easy
to love yourself.
You will also see your dark side more clearly,
recoil from them,
refuse and deny them,
and believe that they do not belong to you.

But they too are you
and you must accept them as a part of you,
as a part of your active life.
They belong to you too.
Only when you accept this part of yourself,
understand it thoroughly,
and take actions to deal with it,
then will you be able
to accept this part of others.

Thus this is what you need to do
before you can love others.

Only the man who loves himself
will not pamper himself.
Indulgence is bad.
Selfish is the man
who has nothing and is tempted
to seize everything by force,
though he will always end up with less.

But he will give himself to others
and gain spiritual wealth in the process
when he loves himself.

HOMYGAWD, I miss NicNic Cheong!

2008-10-10T06:59:00.001+08:00

Seriouslee, what is wrong with us?

Everything is totalee wrong!

Realee?

Mending My Life

2008-10-08T20:58:00.003+08:00

Yep, time to do what's right for myself. And I need a break.

The sky around PGP suddenly looked very nice this evening...

Gymmed with Ban Ban. I AM SO PATHETIC ON THE THREADMILL. I meant to run 5km, but stopped at 4.5 km. I figured I have no motivation on the threadmill because the option of stopping is there. When I'm outside, I just have to finish running... to get back. I also went swimming today! Amazingly, I managed to go six laps continuously, free style! (I really suck at freestyle). I've never gone beyond two.

And...my poetry on a website. AHHAHAHHAHAA http://www.dreamagic.com/poetry/wei.html

2008-10-07T12:59:00.002+08:00

Such pompous arrogant, insensitivty and delusion of self supremacy. Aside from my beliefs, I am truly horrified.

We are entitled to our own views, but we owe it to others to accord some respect to their their opinions, and ultimately, ourselves.

2008-10-06T17:19:00.002+08:00

This was my partner who played Norwegian Dance No.2 with me. Amazingly, we were perfectly coordinated (to my knowledge) during the actual thing!

Jingyi and I at Esplanade. We watched Abbamania together. Abba rocks!

I'm both amazed and disgusted. Amazed becasue its not THREE hours and disgusted coz... well last year I took 2 hr 3o min when I trained. All the more to run again next year!

Tapestry

2008-10-05T01:49:00.002+08:00

Performers + Anirban. I'm so glad its all over.

Here's a video of my practice session. I really love this song, it's my favourite piece ever. I was a bit disappointed with my playing, though no one complained. It was fine, but I know I was at a better standard slightly earlier on. I just have to blame the cold temperature for making my fingers all numb, so I deliberately played at a significantly slower tempo. But I admit nerves played a part. I actually forgot a chord, and knew I forgot - thank goodness I made up a note press down and it sounded nice.

One thing after another. This has been a very unproductive week. I'm truly disappointed with myself. At least piano lesson went good.

I'm tempted to do horrible things, but obligation and guilt hold me back.

2008-10-03T08:36:00.002+08:00

New day. Surely I can do this.

Woke up this morning, dragged myself to gym, if only for a bit. Just to get my endorphins up and racing. You know what I need?

Caffeine, caffeine.

I ran for 1.6km on the threadmill and I thought I was dying already. In TEN MINUTES somemore, not even fast. Shame on threadmill. Shame on me who can't run on threadmill. Shame on me!

I try to practice separatism and comparmentalize everything to be taken out and stored at any point of time. And can only pray for God's presence in every gap.

2008-10-03T01:29:00.002+08:00

I accept, and I fight. For my sanity, to do what's right, and most of all, because I love-

And this is all I can to, no more.

Love, do what's right, for sanity fight, and accept what I can't change.

And so here goes, the struggle for life, forgiveness and love that is unconditional.

I cannot let myself sleep.

2008-10-02T17:56:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing or not. For some reason, I need to exercise to make myself happy. Missed running yesterday because I felt sick even while swimming. Today, I just gymmed and ran. Just 4km, but I feel relieved, and calm.

Exercising makes me feel calm, steady, and in control of everything. That's what it does for me.

But there are also times I can't even drag my butt to exercise. =S

2008-10-01T22:21:00.001+08:00

Maybe the worst isn't over.

Colour Me Stressed

2008-09-30T21:04:00.002+08:00

I don't know what the title means. I'm stressed and I'm trying to add colour to my blog.

On Sunday, Winston and I were so fed up with work we went to Orchard... shopped loads ( I bought two dresses, three blouses...) and ate SHARK FINS at crsyal jade!

One of my first photos with Wins in a long time.

Some statue in the middle of Orchard Road which Winston wishes he knew what it represented.

Had an interview then went to SMU

..met Chris!

I've no idea why I've been so frustrated lately. I just AM. And when I'm stressed, my exercise syndrome comes back. All I think about it releasing tension by exercising... in the day, I get miserable in the cold library and all i want to do is SWIM and busk in the sun. Other times, I want to gym... or RUN, RUN, RUN! I'm getting fit again!

2008-09-28T13:10:00.001+08:00

It's 1:09pm and I JUST WOKE UP.

Feel so guilty because 1. I missed church 2. OMG I SLEPT SO MUCH!

The grass is not greener on the other side

2008-09-27T21:44:00.002+08:00

I haven't chilled so long, so I decided to have a real chillout by running about 2.5 rounds NUS this evening, after getting back from piano class. Well, it was relatively chill, since I really let go of work and all other horrors (i.e. more work) and let myself just run to music for an hour. I do feel a lot better.

This is so cheesy, but the olympic song 'Reach' played on my mp3 and I suddenly felt better. And also, Dance with me Tonight, from the movie Music and Lyrics by Hugh Grant. It sounds so dumb that a semi-purist like me can gain inspiration from a pop song, but I did.

I know that it seems that the grass will grow
Better on the other side of the barb wire fence
But that other side is not in sight
So I’m fine with what I have now
If you’ll dance with me tonight

What’s the point of life
If risk is just a board game
You roll the dice
But you’re just hoping that the rules change
What’s the point if you can’t bring yourself to say
Things you wanna say like
Dance with me tonight

No, I am not planning to dance with anyone (yuck!), but I never noticed what it said about the grass always being greener on the other side, and being contented with the moment you're in. Suddenly, it occurred to me that in my whines about work and obligations, I've lost sight of how things have turned around for me. I've been on the grass on the other side, and it was no greener, if not completely barren.

Just one year ago, at this point, I was still running about that barren land, but now, this is so much better, fresher. Which really means, I can just grin and bear with things now.

Some people tell me I'm a superwoman, and I really hate it, becasue truth is, I am not. I just pick and choose things important to me. Perhaps others wonder how I can afford to start teaching piano to kids. Well, it's just once a week, and really, it keeps me sane. When I'm at work, I've no choice but to simply put everything else aside and teach my kids. And I'm the kind of person who needs good things to occupy myself for extended periods, before I steer myself into self destruction.

Besides, I've some nice kids. There's a French girl who speaks very little English, and was really shy at first. But she has really opened up, and started counting with me, and singing sometimes. I just love her, and she's so pretty that I feel like buying her dresses to wear, haha! Last week, she asked her mother what my name was, and her mother made her ask me herself. She did it so shyly! aww. And there's another older girl, whom I like because she is quite humble, and really, has a good attitude. Nice too! Nothing like the prideful brat that I was in the past.

I feel somewhat recharged.

Oh, and more say they don't understand how I find the time to exercise. Well, don't watch TV, don't watch movies, don't watch videos on Youtube, dont' go out. Well, that is true of me now, but that's not really it - I know after I finish exercising, I feel happy and fresh. =)

So, with mid sem break ending in one day, I trudge on.

Security and Narcissism

2008-09-26T23:36:00.004+08:00

Detracting from the main subject of this post, let me talk about my day in a very clinical way, for the benefit of Sooty, who claims I write emo, and play emo Grieg. I happen to be the least emo person I know. When I sound emo, it's because I'm thinking about sad things. I don't emo for nothing. hur hur.

In fact, I'm capable of being so cold it scares me, and I hide it deep in my heart.

So here begins my stoic, clinical self!

Today, I woke up at 9am, realized gym closes at 10am, and headed for a mind numbing workout. Literally mind numbing because I was so sleepy that I was doing all the weights really mechanically. In fact, I really enjoyed the back workout thing because I was lying down.

After that, I proceeded to rot in bed, and I was literally rotting, because to my horror, I discovered I fell asleep without showering. Next, I talked to Anirban online, to bitch about see-eff-aye stuff before taking a shower. And then had breakfast (polar snack, so nice and salty!), and then met Ban to discuss what I should wear for concert (purple!). And he bought me a No Whining magnet, what the hell.

At 12, I went to practice piano with my current partner, Pei Yee. Also banged around the piano with some six-hands stuff with Sooty and Mingli, before Sooty started showing off. I wrote 'Sooty is a big show off, shoo Sooty' on the whiteboard, and then headed for teaching.

One of my students didn't turn up today. I was quite happy she didn't, because it meant I could leave a bit earlier and ensure I was early for coaching. I played badly for coaching, and run through. But everyone said I sounded more emo than ever. Ku said I sound like I haven't been practising. =( (I have!) But I don't blame him, coz it was really disgusting in my opinion. It sounded much better at the start of the week.

We had dinner at Sun Bistro. I love their food, but I wish I ate the usual Mui Fan. Sooty borrowed money from me, but I told him he can return me 50 cents instead of 50 dollars just to make him feel bad about my kind and forgiving nature.

_______________________________________________

Today, I read the beginning of "The Kennedy Curse" on the bus. There was a brief portion when the biographer talked about narcissism, and somehow, his explanation of it left such an impression on me that I knew I had to write about it.

'Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves. They are full of self-loathing and self-destructie impulse. Because they are obsessed with enhancing their grandiose image at the expense of their true self, they are more concerned with how they appear than with how they feel. What's more, since narcissists are so deadened to their own feelings, they are incapable of loving others'.

Narcissists do not love themselves - now, that was impactful. Not the revelation about narcissism (it is not more surprising than arrogant people being the most vulnerable to fear among us all), but what it essential alludes to- insecurity. It seems that we can never escape insecurity, but it takes so many forms- self condemnation (both in private and in public), arrogance, narcissism, pursuing all things material, vainity, self deprecation, depression, withdrawal.

If we deconstruct the situation further, it's almost as if we live in a world so unsafe, filled with dangers, and all our fears. And we can't deal with it, but we pretend, by avoidance (say, leading a completely hedonistic lifestyle), disguise (undue arrogance and pride) or acceptance (low self esteem).

And yet, God promises a love to be safe in, which could bring more security than any other things we chase.

I also happen to believe that, in general (yes, there are exceptions), women are even more vulnerable than ever to insecurity. So many things, men included, tell us we are not good enough. At the end of the day, in my humble opinon, women simply crave security. Yet, complete security is just... never complete enough.

A friend, in acknowledgement about women being constantly judged, once told me he believes that women should be told they are beautiful.

2008-09-25T21:13:00.003+08:00

This is really sweet. I'd be quite happy if I marry someone who enjoys playing the piano. We can grow old without feeling bored.

Anyway, I had a short, but really enjoyable time anal-ing at the piano today. Practised a bit of my upcomming concert solo, which I'm looking forward to playing because it's one oy my favourite pieces ever, in my history of piano playing. And one of Chopin's Noctourne (goodness I don't know how to spell!). A long way to go, but I really had fun working out the fingering, trying my best to pay attention to the smallest details like timing, rests, sharps etc, so that my teacher doesn't have to spend time going through things-I-should-have-known during lessons. When I have the patience to sit down, i really do enjoy pondering over the nitty gritty stuff... sometimes it just takes your mind off.

Exercising was fun today too. Swam 12 laps in the hot sun, and improved my freestyle! In the evening, I had a good short run with Kebs to YIH, before continuing at the track. The weather was good, and I was relaxed, calm, cool. Mind was occupied, but... it was still all good.

After running, we headed to NUH, and I finally ate my favourite soya bean ice-cream from Mr Bean after so long! =) Me is a happy girl.

It was my dad's birthday yesterday and I made this for him.

And this!

Ode to my sweetest love

2008-09-24T22:19:00.003+08:00

O, Perfection, Perfection

My bittersweet love-

Such unblemished beauty,

To all your suitors.

Who chase, and chase-

For you're so illusive,

And all we see,

Is your tainted beauty.

O, Perfection, Perfection,

You're almost like a dream,

That never comes true.

And yet some of us are born-

To wait, and wait, for you,

On you. For you flirt, and tease,

Like a tart, yet remain untouched-

So pure, so desirable.

Extremity

2008-09-24T01:16:00.002+08:00

I am a very extreme person. Either I do everything I set out to, or I do nothing. Such tendencies, and self expectations, tend to give me more stress than necessary, stand in the way of the ultimate goal of happiness.

According to Winston, the ultimate goal in life is to be happy. But question is, what makes it tick? What makes one happy? In particular, what makes Cheng Wei happy? Give me the answer and I'll marry you, hurhur.

If I could, I'd quit school and spend my days running, swimming and practising piano. Anyway, I've been swimming lately, like the feeling of soaking in water when the sun is out. After being out of practice, I'm a really lousy swimmer (was lousy to start with). But I've been improving, and getting myself back in shape. I'm slowly learning to swim the freestyle properly again, so that I can survive more than a lap. (Swam quite a few laps today, with breast stroke in between.)

I guess my mind and heart is both numb, and hardened. That I no longer find that space to grieve. I can only feel disappointment, and a bit of anger. But I press on, and be the same to my dearest friend, because it's a promise, and I want to.

Some things don't change

2008-09-22T09:25:00.004+08:00

Some things never change, and I give up on putting up. Or holding back. Here comes a (hopefully) productive mid sem break all about me, myself, and I. Whatever I need to do, I will.

Strangely, the disappointment is so huge it makes me feel better.

But anyway, things to do this week...

1. Running a bit more certainly doesn't hurt my really unfit state. (but I ran two rounds NUS yesterday!)

2. Thesis Proposal

3. Group projects (3 of them)

4. More piano practice

5. Being myself

6. A bit of time with good friends.

Some things don't change. I don't know if I'm judgemental, or some people, are just more self centered than others. I can be pretty selfish too. I don't know. This is all so... arbitrary, the way we all perceive things.

Adding some colour to my blog

2008-09-20T23:19:00.002+08:00

I have chopped off my beautiful mane.
Much lighter! I don't think I look great, but I'm not particularly concerned now. haha
My mum also cut her hair, on a separate occassion. This is a major accomplishment for her. Her hair has been freaking long forever.
My brother just enlisted into national diving unit!
I'm a true ~~blue~~ purple purple fan. I just got a purple mouse!

2008-09-20T12:14:00.002+08:00

This morning I woke up at 7:30am to practice piano. Everything was fine (not great) as I practised in segments, looking at the fingering, the sound, the hand position. Then when I got tired at 11am, I stopped-

and suddenly nothing is fine again.