Colorgenics

I just took a test at http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm and here are my profile results:

You are so adamant at this time, you are not willing to concede to anything. You are dictatorial with your own ideas and the way you are feeling and there is little that anyone can do to make you change your mind, or to be able to persuade you to make concessions or to accept any compromise.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety.

You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection.

You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

Not a very pretty picture yea?

Scary.

My eyes are rolling...

My eyes are rolling, guys are so irritating! (oo rhyme.)

People who know me know that I rarely, rarely, rarely tell people off because nothing irks me more than seeing myself being an insensitive, mean bitch.

But sometimes, guys can be so daft that I'd rather be a nun.

And I rarely,rarely, rarely bitch on my blog.

Get the hint.

Big. Fat. Unmotivated. Lazy. Unfocused. PIG

I'm a pig.

Last night, I decided to go to sleep instead of studying for my mid-sem test. I woke up at 6am to continue studying, fell asleep at 7am, woke up again at 8:30am. That was when I decided to check that the test was indeed at 10am, 'just in case'. My goodness, it was 9am! So there I was, un-studied, unchanged, unprepared. Thank goodness it wasn't that hard.

The prof probably wouldn't be too surprised if I failed. I met her at the track while jogging last night. She even wished me luck for the test.

I seem to be tired all the time. I either need 30 hours a day, or more energy. I never seem to be able to achieve my ideal day no matter how hard I try-

0800 Wake up
0830 Breakfast and reading
0900 Work (non-stop)
1400 Lunch
1500 Back to work (no napping)
1600 Relax, chill, whatever
1800 Run, exercise
1900 TV
2000 Dinner
2100 Back to work
2300 Read, relax, surf
2400 Sleep

It sounds perfectly reasonable, doesn't it? And 8 hours of sleep a day! But I keep falling asleep in between, yikes.

At least I've been in a good mood for most of the week, after a huge transmission of some much needed Betterment from someone. =)

I can't believe I thought I hated milk all these while.

Got milk?

The most amazing thing just happened to me-

I drank milk for the first time in at least 14 years. PLAIN MILK. It actually tastes decent!

First piano practice today was nice. I almost forgot how nice it is to just play. After Linli left, I spent 2 hrs 30 mins trying to brush up my part... at some points, I was banging the piano in frustration, but it still felt good. I almost forgot how being in a room, alone with a piano, can take away some frustrations, even for awhile. Now I don't regret agreeing to perform for Exxonmobil. =)

I really have no idea how I'm going to cope with the upcomming tests, projects, presentations, cca commitments, piano practices etc. I'd like to blame it on our education system, and unreasonable tutors... unfortunately, this time, it's largely my own fault. I've wasted so much time.

I've no time, but I need to go for a run now. I just can't not!

I overestimate myself

that's it.

Desperate..

... for the Finishing Line. My (grotesque) photo from the half marathon.

The full marathon training is not going on well at all. In fact, almost nothing is. I'm desperate for _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, can't let go of it, and yet, can't do it. Well, it's Monday tomorrow, new start.

I've been trying to learn my new piece for the upcomming concert. It's been a long time since I've played anything. I miss the feeling of playing with someone else... and yet, I'm afraid my abilities will fail me, for I'm taking forever just to master a few pages of the score.

I just need to be _ _ _ _ _ _ _. But I don't know how.

Desiderata

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

I came across this poem on my friend's desktop. I'd have to confess I can't live up to all these ideals, but it makes so much sense.

Today, my mum made me so proud of her.

Verbal Diarrhoea ahead

At 21, I feel smaller than ever. Others have so many expectations of me... worst, I've so many expectations of myself which I just can't seem to live up to. I keep thinking I'm trying, but I slip up. What happened to the control, the determination, the motivation.

Last night, I slept at 8:30pm... all the way until 9:30am this morning. I woke up thinking of cutting classes, and decided against it. At 3pm, I almost cut classes to do something incredibly stupid... for once, I'm glad the nerd in me won over and the two boring hours of Physics really saved my day.

I'm not a perfectionist. I'm a failed perfectionist.

3 months to go

Okay, marathon training/diet starts today.

Welcome back running shoes (left them at home for one week :( )

Bye Bye chilli, tom yum, curry, laksa (okay I don't even like this, no loss)... bye chilli, bye chilli, bye chilli :( See you in December if I even make it to the finishing line!