Dear Terrible Twin...

My dearest Pepper Lee Jeng Yee, if you ever read this, just know that you don't have to feel bad! We understand, so fly off in peace and enjoy your holiday okay? Just remember to wish us a Happy New Year when you get there! And babe, don't forget your promise to E-mail! Well you didn't promise, but since Chengwei declares you have, you have. Going to miss ya lots, and I always alway always love *hearts* talking to you. =)

ps: And I'll send you the photos soon yea? Coz I want you to print the one above up. Enlarge it, pin it up...haha

Because I can't sleep...

Because it's 4:14 a.m. and I have not been able to sleep for the past three hours... as requested by my dearest fellow boredbabehipnerd Charmaine Chiu, here's the photo we took at Coffee Bean. Char thinks we look very nice, and if you look carefully, you'd notice that there are red streaks in my hair. The red is beginning to grow on me. I like it :) except for the fact that I find it very disturbing to see reddish-purple water on the floor whenever I wash my hair.

Yep, met up with Char today (actually by now it's yesterday, but I consider it to be today as long as I haven't slept a wink.) at Coffee Bean. We pondered how much our lives have changed, but I can only say- I'm so glad nothing has changed. Old friends give me so much security. Sigh. I claim to have lost that interest in shopping (retail therapy just doesn't work anymore, it's too much of a temporary high for my liking now.), but walking around with Char for about twenty minutes made me REALLY want to shop. And all of a sudden, I'm recalling one day after our mid-years in Sec 4, when the two of us had lunch at Marches, ate potong ice-creams on a bench in front of Paragon (while chocolate ice-cream dripped off my wafle), shopped around the entire Orchard Road. Strangely, I even recall that Char bought a bag from Project Shop Blood Brothers, which is such a random thing to remember! Babe if you're reading this...we should go on a shopping spree one day, bimbo the whole Orchard Road together. :)

I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep! The most ironic part is that I'm so freaking tired but I just don't sleep. Various people have given me various recommendations on ways to fall asleep, but here's why they don't work:

(1) Drink warm milk before you sleep. => Chengwei does not drink milk at all.

(2) Exercise. => If you know Chengwei, you know that she does run. Once in awhile you'd see a girl running round Nus at 2am in the morning, that's probably Chengwei and that's probably because she can't sleep. Besides, I think running keeps me more awake then anything else.

(3) Imagine a candle flame and then throw all thoughts in your head at the candle. => Kudos to es who said this, it has a mild hypnotizing effect, but nope, it doens't work either. When Chengwei feels herself drifting off to sleep, she immediately thinks, 'Oh wow. This is almost working.' which obviously negates all previous attempts at throwing away all thoughts.

(4) Don't take caffeine. => Chengwei admits to having 2 cups of coffee today, but experience tells her that she'd still be up at this unearthly hour even without that.

(5) The Dad's Advice: Learn to relax. It's better to wake up early to do your work then stay up all the time. => Chengwei's reply, 'Relax Dad.'

(6) Eat carbohydrates before you sleep. => Explains why Chengwei is eating Lao Po Bing now. Actually it's because's she's just damn hungry.

If it's meant to be a sleepless night, it's meant to be a sleepless night. This is my curse.

And it's already the 30th of December. Cliches of all cliches, but goodness, how time flies. And I look back upon the whole year, and my mind goes almost completely blank. There're a few little black holes in the blank and even fewer bright red stars, but that's all I'd say. You can't say anything on a blog. And yes, I'm being intentionally cryptic, so shoot me.

Yea you can't say anything on a blog! The bitch in me has a sudden urge to bitch but can't. I can only bitch cryptically - Hello A, I know we're friends and all but don't take it for granted. Hello B, I think you're a completely arrogant piece of shit. Hello Chengwei, you're such a bitch, you're bitching!

Oh right, being the bored person I was, I updated my Friendster Profile today. I was thinking of my top 10 quirks and the first thing that came to mind was: I like to speak of myself in the 3rd person. heh, I think Chengwei picked up that habit after studying Julius Caesar. I sound like a schizophrenic!

'tis the season to be jolly...

No- I was perfectly sober...
The Teo the Brownian, Estelle the Columbian and Pet the lawyer
Nono-that was coca cola in my glass...

Elf-y!
Dinner Company
Falalalala...merrily cheerily happily jolly-lolly indeed! Woke up at 2pm feeling rather depressed, but the evening went well! Spent in joy, laughter and most importantly, good company! Had dinner at Wheelock Place before heading over to Zhuang's place...

Just a few happy thoughts - Bliss is when you're in good ol' company with the people whom you haven't seen in ages, but still laugh with you, make you smile. Bliss is when someone writes you a nice long letter which chronicles all the many many happy memories that now brings tears to your eyes. Bliss is when you open your heart. Bliss is indulging in the comfort and familiarity of people whom were a part of your past, and realizing they are a part of your present. Bliss is what crossed my mind last night, makes me smile now... and bliss is being able to msn utter rubbish with your old friend because she doesn't give a shit.

Now the time of the year has come - the time you start making impossibly ambitious resolutions that you secretly know you'll never keep. But as someone pointed out over lunch today, trying to keep it does count for something... Chengwei currently has 2 great resolutions in mind. Shall think of more soon.

Happy Boxing Day. *boxbox*

This Christmas morning

You talk to me, ask me things, and tell me things that leave me at a loss for any words, and yet I wish to reply you... so what do I do?

Reply in a way that leaves you at a loss for any words, and hope that you'd still reply.

23rd Dec 2006

f.r.i.e.n.d.s =) minus Elayne =..(
Pepper is back from York!
Realizing our 'zi cha' dream...

Hello! Methinks that blogging is such a chore... over the past few days, I've typed posts after posts after posts, make that unfinished posts after unfinished posts after unfinished posts. But happy days should be remembered, so here goes!

Met up with my lovely Nanyang f.r.i.e.n.d.s at Coffee Bean on 23rd Dec for the 6th time running! Our yearly outings have ranged from (mostly) tanning at Jingyi's pool to (expensive) stayovers at hotel rooms to trips to harbour front... this year was relatively simpler... chilled at coffee bean in the morning, before Jingyi drove us in her new snazzy Honda Jazz (To quote Pepper, ' I'm so proud of Jingyi because she can drive ...and because she has her own car.') to United Square... basically bummed about Food Junction, indulged in photo whoring... played a very random, but very fun game! Being the very poor students that we are, no one bought christmas presents for anyone... so we played everyone-go-buy-a-christmas-present-for-someone-else-that-costs-less-than-two-bucks-in-less-than-20-minutes! I was supposed to get Jingyi a present and after throwing out the idea of facial blotters, plastic flowers, pencils and winnie-the-pooh tissue papers, I finally settled for an iron-on patch! Well, methinks I also deserve credit for sacrificing my image by asking the Salesgirl at Clarks Shoes if she would give me a balloon... yep, so Jingyi got two presents! =) Anyway, Manda got me a blue Santa-ish-hat from watson (cf the very ridiculous looking me with wide fluffly things on my head.)

Everyone left eventually, save Christine, Amanda and I... so dinner was a lonely threesome, but cosy affair. After talking about eating zi2 cha4 for eons, we finally did! The three of us, by the road side at Novena... with rolling buses in the background and all... it was on the verge of raining, but I felt so warm and fuzzy! It's been awhile since I've had a chance to sit down with a small intimate group, and simply banter and talk, and laugh. I think it's so special.

And as someone commented yesterday, we should be very proud to be Nanyangals, in all its pride at its simplicity. Call it cheena, communist or what-nots, time after time, people have given me incredulous 'you're from NY?!!!!!!' wide-eyed stares when I tell them that I'm from a Chinese school, I cried a bucket when I had to snip off my long hair to go to NY... but I've always felt so proud to be an NY Girl - those were truly the simplest, happiest days of my life... and when I left the NY days behind me, I took along f.r.i.e.n.ds who made the following days of my life so much happier. =)

I got my exam results yesterday. I was happy for a grand total of 2 seconds, and that was it, the most temporal of all the temporary highs I've ever experienced. I'm amazed by my own apathy.

I find it so ironic that I usually spend the entire November and first 3 weeks of December looking forward to Christmas, listening to Christmas tunes... but when 25th December finally rolls around, I choose not to do anything. Well, I don't expect myself to act any differently tomorrow... but at least I'll be meeting Ray/Xiaokai at Shangri la before partying the night away at Zhuang's. And I feel like secret santa! I've nice presents for lucky people. =)

Merry Christmas to you, you and you!

What right do I have?

I recently chanced upon a random acquaintance's blog, and I just read it this morning.

He spoke of the walking dead man, the emptiness of waking up just to make ends meet, of vulgarities and the sickness that shrouds our minds. Of faith, and the lack of it. And of a sudden, I felt so so guilty, so very small. I think I'm all alone in my half-swinging madness, angst and confusion... I tell the whole world I hate stepping into school everyday, that I'd so much rather go back to the past... but what of what significance are my concerns in comparison to his?

What right do I have to whine about the dreadful tutorials, the (lack of) allowance and waking up every single day, to do nothing? I've been lucky all my life, we've been lucky all our lives... and in my self-absorbed state, I forgot, I forget.

(for that matter, the 2006 resolution is to have a better attitude to school - and I've already taken the first step! =D )

He spoke of broken English - and I was tempted to leave a comment, 'Hey heck it, what you wrote sounded so genuinely truthful, and it really moved me. I couldn't do that even if I tried.' But I'd have to leave my identity, and

What right do I have, to pry upon the thoughts of a random acquaintance?

Anyway, everything seems so much happier when there're thing to look forward to-

(1) Getting a haircut in a few minutes time. (Whether I'll still be happy after that is different story altogether.)
(2) Seeing my terrible twin Pepper!
(3) Watching carolling later at Conrad, on the 24th at the Esplanade and on the 25th at Shangri la. (Chengwei has many choir friends.)
(4) 23rd Dec 2005 is coming.
(5) Seeing the Us Columbi-ans, Brown-ians and Cornell-ians return!

Now, for the haircut...

This is a post made of randomness...because Chengwei is bored

Chengwei has a sore throat, :(, for the 10th time in the year 2005, I so deserve to not fall sick for the next whole decade. Sigh I've been starving for the whole day now, but I can't eat. Even the weather mocks me, a perfectly windy day, the fresh air of the reservoir beckons, and I can't go out to run. Sorry, I couldn't resist the whine.

I had a conversation with a friend about running this morning. I commented that I absolutely hated trudging up slopes, and he said that running is just like life - with all it's ups and downs- now, who hasn't heard of that analogy before? But coming from this person, it sounds so sincere, so real, like he truly believes in it, and I know he does. A.Tong, if you ever read this, I just wanted to say that you're truly one of the most inspiring people that I've met in my life. Your attitude is something I could never have, but I'm always trying, very hard, and knowing someone like you (abeit not very well) only reminds me that it's worth trying. Chengwei's running philosophy is much simpler - it feels like absolute shit until you finish.

I think it's in our nature to live in the past. In J1, I absolutely adored the new friends of Hc Humanz (I'm suddenly reminded of our motto - 'A lifestyle of decadence, a tradition of excellence.')... I looked forward to seeing my classmates everyday...but one day, I came to the sudden realization that nothing quite beats the people from Nanyang. In Jc, I became so close to someone I sat next to in Sec 3, and it was comforting. Wed night marked a Girl's Night Out for Sheryl, Serene, Pet and I. These were people I knew from Hwa Chong... and over photo-whoring sessions outside Zouk, Mambo-ing to not-very-Mambo music, going completely wild, downing Baileys while playing 'I have never...', letting Serene call me a 'dog'... I suddenly recalled the night of a year ago, when we were at Sheryl's House, watching random VCDs, drinking cheap drinks, playing truth or dare...I was playing the piano, Jo was all red, Serene was trying to explain that red people don't get drunk easily... and I thought, 'Old friends are still the best. Who else but these girls from the class of 03A15, Hc Humanz, could make me feel so at ease?' I'm the girl always living in the past.

Yet another random thing- I quite forgot how quirky my mum could be until last night, until she said one of the lamest things over dinner at Jacks Place-
Dad: I need a partner for my Rock n Roll/Cha Cha lessons.
Mum: Yah, you can Rock, I'll Roll on the floor.

And while writing Christmas cards, I came to the conclusion that writing to people is truly one of the things that give me greatest joy. I don't know why... year after year, I write to my penpal, who has endured both my strange handwriting and attrocious crap, in Secondary school I wrote letters to wish my friends good luck for tests, I don't believe in giving someone a present without it being accompanied by a note, in ... I remember I wrote Es a letter, I wrote endless E-mails/lettersJ1 I wrote postcards to Jean, HX to Char, I continued to write to Zk my mortal long after the whole Angel-Mortal game ended, I wrote to Zhuang after the Council Presidential Elections, I gave my friends notes attached onto flowers after performances... I wrote back notes to everyone who wished me happy brithday...KL called me the crazy letter writer... when I went to France this year, I almost missed my flight because I suddenly realized that I was to quit my job at Spags soon and I wanted to buy special cards, to write to special people I've met... I write and write and write... but you know what? It's always disappointing, because I can never quite write what I truly want to say. Maybe I don't have that gift of words, or maybe, there just aren't words for the important things, and so, they'll always remain unsaid.

Last night, while being unable to sleep, I messaged an old friend. Maybe I shouldn't have, sorry to you. There's a letter for you too, it's been written 3 times because it keeps wearing away from being kept too long. That was the closest I've ever come to writing exactly what I want to say. What a pity it can't be given, but will continue to wear until the words can't be made out anymore. And I'm not sure I could write it again.

Lazy Blue Week

I've been wasting my holidays away, but there's has been nothing to do, or rather, nothing I want to do.

The day before did mark a better day. After a whole afternoon of procrastination, I finally ran by the reservoir in the evening. =) All the way in and out of upper pierce, in the company of ...erm, mating monkeys, and trees. Trees after trees after trees, I love trees!

Seeing the Oxford people for the first time in three months was nice. Everything was strangely the same... just about this time last year, we had finished our A levels, shopping for prom dresses...and it still feels that way. As usual, we said stupid things, I said stupid things, I did stupid things ... (un)amazingly boarded 167 without my wallet... for the 99999999999millionth time this year. But thank goodness for Sheryl-the-lovely who paid for my cab ride to town. And we were just squealing non-stop- "Chengwei!!!! Sheryl!!! I can't believe you're back!". Sheryl was smiling, but that's normal. She claimed I was 'beaming', but that's not too unusual too. But Serene! Serene was grinning all the time. Zhuang just looked jet lagged. Seeing them again reminded me of how I used to be, and I miss those days.

After dinner at Sushi Tei (Sashimi Salad!), we headed to Jean's church to watch a Christmas Cantata. And I realized, it was my first time stepping into a church in 5 years.

Met Ray at Khatib for 'supper', which really meant Bubble tea, laughing, listening to MP3s, and sitting on swings that barely swung. I can only say, I'm so thankful for him, without which, the whole of semester 1 might have been pretty meaningless.

Home

Well, I'm home! =)

Dear Room C,

Over the past three months, I've ran to you whenever I needed to hide from the world. You've seen me cry, laugh, smile, eat, sleep,MUG... you'd be perfect if you had an air-conditioner and an attached bathroom, like your counterparts in Block 8, but I love you anyway. I shall see you in a months times, and you'll look different.

Luv,
Chengwei

P.S: I'm sorry for all the times I forgot to lock you up, left food crumbs all over, and walked all over you with my shoes. I'm sorry that you always looked somewhat untidy, but if you were any different, you wouldn't belong to me.

Blue

'You think this would make you feel happy?'

I bought a collar pin with a bright and cheery mouse on it yesterday. Now it sits next to my blue computer mouse. Happy Mouse? Blue Mouse? Happy Mouse? Blue Mouse?

My big Eeyore mug is purple, but Eeyore looks pretty blue to me.

Happy Mouse? Blue Mouse? Happy Mouse? Blue Mouse?

I'm feeling blue and mousey. Go away Eeyore, you're blue too, you're too blue, so shoo!