i have no more excuses, no more excuses. I better make it.

A letter to A

In a way, I'm kind of disappointed. I had put stuff aside, telling myself it's okay, exams, exams, exams, stress (ha!), there's nothing I can do, just leave it for later. Now that it's gone. The old nagging feeling comes, and it says I have no more excuses to fail.

You can't do me again, and you'll do worst than before.

I've to be so honest about this to myself. I haven't really been trying very hard to fight the past two weeks. Once it's over, once it's over, I've assured myself. Now that it has come to past, I'm no longer sure I can do it.

You know what's good, but you don't want to do it, ha!

___________________________________________________________________

Dear A,

I didn't need you, I didn't ask, but you took it upon yourself to slip into my life, make yourself my friend. I didn't have to, but you, you just had to, didn't you? Oh, but I welcomed you, let you make me happy, give me practically everything I ever asked for. It was nice (while it lasted), with you came the grades, the motivation, the focus. I felt oh-so-special, the lucky girl with everything. I didn't need anyone else. I wanted my friends, my life, but they were second to you. And I was glad to keep it that way (not that I'd have a choice anyway.) You were like a dream come true anyway, and nothing else mattered anymore. I thought you gave me everything.

Now I see your true colours.

It was all an illusion, comforting, but shattering. I've forsaken so many things whil eyou were around, but nevermind. You still insist on staying. You refuse to budge, and root yourself ever so firmly. Thanks to you, I no longer recognize myself, no longer know the things I love. Thanks to you, when I laugh, or smile, I wonder if I'm really smiling, laughing... I'd go all lengths, forget everything I was taught, just to let you laugh your hideous laugh. Sometimes when I think I'm knowing it again, you tell me to stop trying to fool myself - you'll never let me be good enough for anyone else, myself. Sometimes I reach for help, but most of the time, you pull me back, saying 'You never needed anyone else. How much help can you ask for?'

You've taken my time, money, will and sanity. What a leech-

Wait, I'm not sure who's the leech. I hate you so, but sometimes I still act all clingy, simply because I don't know how to get you off my back.

Much hate,
Me.

The end

The Rainy Day
Poem lyrics of The Rainy Day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

And so, I end my exams, and the semester, to the pouring rain.

How unlike the last exams I took in NUS,and how time flies.

I'm relieved it's over, but then, what now? what now?

I really never thought I'd turn to it again, after so many years. But I think, I'll flip the book again tonight. And talk myself to sleep.

I'm trying to manage...

My expectations.

I've long accepted that it's a foregone conclusion that I can't expect to do terribly well (oxymoron) this semester. I knew it even before the semester started, and I vowed to let go, give myself some slack. But when it comes down to the crunch, I still care, a bit. Even though, contrary to misguided belief, my grade really means quite little to me.

I'd happily fail everything right now for my greatest wish to come true, really.

I was talking to a good friend last night, who mentioned that I'm a fortunate girl. I asked, in what sense? I do think I'm very fortunate, I've a good family, friends, sufficient material comforts and a bit more. I've been blessed certain things (sometimes unimportant to me), I lead a generally comfortable life and I am not rich, but by no means poor. I've gotten myself out of various ruts, including a close brush with the law. I've had my fair share of troubles, but I'm sure many have had more.

And so I was surprised that the friend in question replied that I'm fortunate to have come thus far in spite of circumstances. I'm not sure how that is fortunate, but sometimes, I still wonder if I should have let go before it's too late.

Of course, on retrospect, I'm glad I've come through. But of course, who am I to say how could i survive when all is (almost) said and done with. Nevertheless, I sometimes still wonder if I should have let go (as advised time and time again), before it was too late.

I'm beginning to think that, maybe I should have? And come to terms with stuff sooner, instead of stubbornly believing that I can numb myself by doing everything and anything, but dealing with stuff.

I'm thankful I only have two papers, so exams end tomorrow. I'd be at another crossroad soon, when I've to decide again- to go on the way I have done thus far? Or manage my expectations, cut myself some slack, and... take it much much easier.

I really don't know. My pride and rationality can't decide who's going to win the argument.

I've really learnt so much lately, but as the teachers of the establishment always remind us, you've got to know how to apply what you've learnt. Sadly, I'm not very good at that.

I find myself increasingly stoical. I neither jump for joy at things, nor hide away in tears. Just in limbo - I blame it on those little things that I taste everyday, but I can never be sure. It's good to be stoical (as it is), but it scares me too, know?

shit.

shit. shit. shit.

Beethoven's Eroica Symphony, 4th Movement, Finale

It's been a long time since I've heard this piece, but I was reminded of it today. I studied this piece in Sec 4, and I loved it, especially the march which comes in at the 4th minute.

I've always liked playing and listening to Beethoven, especially his later works. There's always this sense of grandeur, and usually, it's very intense. Oh no, overly intense and emotional stuff put me off (Chopin, sometimes), but I think Beethoven does it nicely here.

I must have listened to this about 50 times while studying the score, but I just noticed that it's very exciting to watch- with the strings and woodwinds taking their turns at theme of the fugue, along with the plucking of the strings.

I think Fugues are one of the most difficult things to play. I can't play many of them. And I wonder what it must be like to play a duo piano fugue.

It's been a long time since I've watched an orchestra. It always fills me with envy, because I think it must be a beautiful experience, playing with so many people. I must watch one soon.

I wish

I wish that the only things that mattered to me is what really matters.

Everyone whom I love so much, the piano and its joys, performing with my dearest partner, listening and listening to the music I love, those pretty poems I used to print and paste around, running because I love that andrenaline rush, suppers and coffee with my dearest brother Ray, driving my parents around because it made me feel proud that I could, sitting in awe at what I learn... sharing, giving, smiling.

They are important to me, still there in my heart. Rationally, they are the most important things, but no, that is always the key thing on my mind. I want to let go of my superficiality, forget what is gone, but no! No matter how hard I try, it still matters to me most, when it shouldn't. I could have everything else, but I'd still ask for that. And it makes me feel so very ashmed of myself.

Others have the capacity to step out of their own world, to love, to care, to share... so why not me? I've a selfishness that I know not how to overcome. I once thought I stepped out of it... but that's because I first satisfied my own desires. It was a sham.

I want so hard to love you, you, and YOU, but I can't stop thinking of me, myself and I.

Tonight I looked, and looked, and looked. And felt regret. I envied her, and was jealous of myself. If only she knew, if only I knew.

'Stop thinking about yourself. Why can't you think of others, help others? Play with your dog, feel like you're loving her, doing something for her, caring for something other than yourself.'
It makes so much sense, but I just can't let go.

Sometimes I try to step out, but I lack the sincerity, the earnestness, the love. If anything, it's an act of dissociation, to cover the monster within, to shut out the screaming. Approval, comfort, praise (imagined at times) - I hide beneath them, but I can only hide for so long each time.

I want so hard to take that leap, to step out, and yet I'm not ready to. And I know not how.

Tell me how, how to be better in everything-

everything that really matters.

Take that.

__________________________

But I think I've found someone who understands. Maybe there's a reason after all.

Maybe Facebook has some use besides being a complete distraction. =)

She who wonders

She wondered, and wonders, and is wondering. Why, why why. What did she do it to herself, why must this happen to why, why why why. She's hurting, but she (thinks) she's still fighting.

She thought life had finally turned around for her, and everything was going on an uphill. That she'd be better, stronger, than all the other shes, then ever before. So much pride, which came crumbling down. Everything (so meaningless!), all gone.

She thinks perhaps there's a reason, which she'd see somewhere down the road. Perhaps, it's humility she is meant to understand. That what she prided herself for was always empty.

She asked for help, but knew not where to start. So she admitted that he eluded (and still eludes) her, that she knew not what her motivations were, that surely, her greatest desire wasn't worthy, but she couldn't overcome it. Over and over again, she said, 'Even as I say this, I doubt my sincerity. I doubt it, I'm not sure if I mean it, at this very moment, as I say this. I still don't know, I still don't know, but I'm asking-'

Then she flipped the page.

I hope she finds her way.

It occupies my every waking moment,

every

single

day.

An old friend really shocked me with a question over MSN today. Oh well.

I don't know what's with me, but I don't seem to care very much about exams anymore.

And I didn't manage to run today! :(

I don't studying very much,

not very much at all.

After Kim left this morning, and I doodled around a little with my philosophy notes, I decided I had enough. And went to CFA to bang on the piano. I couldn't wait to play again.

I shall go for a run later before I get back. Just running up the slope at PGP yesterday left me so huffing and panting. Sigh. And I remembered the crazy days of running up the NUH steps, up and down, up and down, up and down. Now I feel like the snail which my friend decided to tatoo onto my arm with a pen.

If I had a choice, I would do nothing but play piano, read newspapers, and run, run, run.

Yesterday, we talked about Nanyang, Hwa Chong. Everything seemed so different then. Granted, I was about to tear my hair off during O/A levels, but it was easy to accept- that it was part and parcel of being a student in Singapore. We spoke of teachers, and I wondered, what would the teachers I looked up to think of me now?

Next semester, I shall do something different. I'll choose one module which I'm really really really interested in, and just take it, enjoy it, without worrying whether my grade is in the grasp of my hands. (that's what S/Us are for, haha)

I like neatness, really. But everything is so messy now!

Always Behind you

After countless frustrations, photoshopping camps and 'Prof Lee, I hate you for puting me through this', tadaa, it's finally over. It's one of the biggest and most energy zapping project I've done in my life, but I've to admit, completing it is immensely satisfying.

The team was really discouraged and resigned to moving on and hoping we'd scrap through the module with a decent grade after our presentation... But... BUT... BUT....

We were placed second!

I couldn't believe it. After the judges asked us one question, and simply said, 'Okay. You may go now.' Whereas other groups were bombarded with questions, and feedback, be it compliments or criticisms. And we were wondering if we were indeed so bad that we didn't even deserve a few more words. Well, there's always hope.

This project has been a learning experience, with the most unusual (and unexpected) group dynamics I've encountered so far. I dare say that not everyone put in an equal amount of work in terms of tangible contributions, but I wrote in my peer evaluation, 'I strongly believe that each of us should be grade EQUALLY for everyone contributed to the best they could, doing what they can, which I believe is what matters. And everyone put in an equal amount of enthusaism, commitment and time.'

I truly believe that's what matters. It doesn't affect me that someone cannot do as much, but it disappoints me when people who are capable of doing something, simply do not bother to do so. Perhaps I apply my own standards on everyone else, unfairly.

For me, it was a first. First time I wore (a baggy) T-shirt and jeans for a formal presentation (we were the ONLY group among a pool of black and white suits)... and the first time I presented alone on behalf of my team. Never knew speaking for 20 minutes was that tiring. So, now we'll always be remembered as the 'team in t shirts and only one speaker but won something.'

I have a love-hate relationship with presentations and speaking (as I do with so many things). Many do not believe it when I say I lack the confidence... well, I know myself best, and I take it as a personal challenge to speak to a crowd. I dread/hate speaking, but always seek to get better... but I guess...

'better' is an illusion sometimes. As I was practising a little in front of that mirror, there was the thought of 'you could sound okay, but so what if that will never be okay to you.'

And I've met some of the most interesting people, and saw the meaning of 'Do not judge a book by its cover.' This group has been incredibly united, and supportive, for which I'm grateful for.

I'm also grateful to my prof for all the inspiration he provided.

Girl Power (our team name, haha) rocks!

There's a piece of great news I'd like to tell my dearest friend. It's so exciting that I'm almost bursting to spill it, but... something holds me back, I don't know what.

What have I done to myself?

I'm filled with shame.

After two months without exercise, I ran and ran and ran today, relieved from the burden of the semester being over. And I got a stitch when I was barely halfway through. What have I done to myself?

Some think I'm nuts, but really, I have always believed in keeping fit. I feel gross and uneasy and stressed otherwise. So what happened this time?

Too many excuses - school work, tired, sick, bored etcetcetc. This is so not going to happen again.

So screwed for the marathon next month. But hey, there's next year to make it.

I was really quite perturbed by a comment a few days ago.

A: Do you still run?
B: Not really so often. Especially since I've been sick a lot and so busy this time.
A: No wonder.
B: No wonder what?
A: No wonder you put on weight.
B: Oh. haha of course.

Nevermind that, really. It was what came after that. As if its a crime. And I can't even bring myself to type it out.

Oh dear me. I can't believe the morbidity of this.
_________________________________________

You can't see it, but it's all coming back, almost as strong as before, and you're scared. It's the one single thing you hate most, the one thing that you hate more than anything you've ever encountered in your life. It kills you ever so slowly. You're look well and alive, but it feels like your insides have died. As the monster rages, challenging you to prove your worth, to fight back, you start giving up on yourself, and see yourself fall from grace. In shame. And you look back to a time, when everything seemed under control, another monster, but a less scary one. It You thought it made things as close to perfection as it could be, but little did you know, little did you know... it was a time of nothingness, but as if fate was laughing at your foolishness, the same old familiar nothingness was the very thing that led you to this state. It's all,

or nothing. The nothingness becomes a distant memory, and other memories surface - the absolute insanity. You ask, how come I didn't remember this, until now? The nothingness wasn't that comforting after all. And yet, you cling on, after all, you long for the familiarity, the false sense of security. No one controls you, except you, yourself and A. You might rather return to the state of blissful ignorance. After all, what you don't know can't kill you-

No, you could have died. But maybe dying inside in its after days is worst. You can't decide.

But it doesn't matter now. You can't turn back time, how naive to think it possible. You can almost hear the lees saying, 'I told you so.' But even in that acceptance, it doesn't get easier. You live out one demon, while the other resides in your brain. Once tainted, always tainted, and it nags all the time. No, it laughs out loud, and whispers, 'You didn't listen to me well enough, long enough. You're a failure. I won't take you back into my claws, but I'd still be with you.' And taunts you, 'You're good at this, and that. You do this, and that to prove yourself, but hey, you still failed me.'

And yet, you fight on, a part of you believes, maybe it's possible. The light is so far away, but it is there After all, there isn't much of a choice, so why not, cling onto the rational. But sometimes, you think the hope exists, but not for you.

You cannot accept it, but learn to live with it, as if all is fine and dandy, happy and sunny like the way you talk, and talk, and talk. At times, you even manage to numb it out... but the numbness scares you... for what are you, if you don't care anymore?

You're filled with loathing, but it's a drug you can't quit, and can't live without.

You're lonely. You've family, friends and love to keep you going. But the journey is a lonely one, because you can't accept the greatest love of all.

'If you won't leave for good, then take me back silently. But don't leave before I die.'

________________________________________________
In many ways, I'm a blessed person. I'm not judged where it matters, so why, do I have to judge myself?

I want to run, run and run away.

Surviving

Well, I don't think I've had a more chaotic semester, ever. Amazingly, I'm near to surviving all the catching up after being MIA from school for a whole month. I guess, I'm thankful for it, for at least I've been getting stuff done. =)



Just left with the seventy percent project. Thankfully the group is great, so it's an enjoyable project.



Yesterday, I had sashimi salad! For the first time since 7th July. And EB/LHY were rather pleased and so was I.



Things are looking up, a little. Thankfully.



Someone asked me what's my purpose in life.

I've also been told by someone else that I've the type of personality that runs away from problems.

Well. I'd have to rethink my life.

I've found someone born in May, loves purple, sushi tei's sashimi salad, cha soba, mustard, purple red_ _ _ _ n, tofu, corn, peels and dips bread in egg, drinks coke light out of a purple cup, and has been cheering me up this week. =) Maybe we'd take a class together next sem, besides the current killer one.

And a young boy whom I wish could see how cute and fun he is.

May we all be better some day. And learn the greatest love.

I've slept for less than 10 hours in the last 5 days. Help.

Caution

ED 4001a. ED 4001b.

You'll regret bidding for it, no matter how smart you are you'd be outsmarted and the CAP becomes the last of your thoughts.

I wish I can hire LHY to be my personal bodyguard.

Help.