Wallowing, wallowing, wallowing. All of a sudden, I'm sinking.

Barely floating

All in all, I've been very unhappy with myself this week. Yes, there were pleasant moments, like Esplanade, confirming our performance there, seeing Engs, and tonight's Beethoven concert, but those are things external to myself.

On a whole, I don't think I've done well this week, at work, at anything. I haven't exercised for a week, I've been half zombifying myself through work, and lapsing into old dangerous habits. I feel weak, incompetent, and incapable of meeting my own basic expectations.

Standing in the shower, I tried so hard to recall how far I've come, what Nic told me, which inspired me so much. The things that should keep me strong, and mean so much more. And yet, it was just one of the moments, I felt like raising my hands, and saying, I can't do this, I can't do this, I'm not perfect, I can't! Kebs is probably right when he says I can be so defeatist.

I don't know what's been going on these days, that makes me struggle so much.

Really, I have so many things going on for me now, I can only fight to get out of this pit, somehow. But let me be upset for a night, won't you?

Well, I started out the last semester with a specific aim. It wasn't to pull up my CAP, or to get ___ number of As, or to achieve CAP _._, or to get on the Dean's List... none of this.

I just wanted to look at my result slip and know that they are not the way they are because of the one single biggest problem of my life. And I did it.

DAMN IT

DAMN IT. I can`t believe my luck. I felt so much better after a great catch up dinner with engs, and then... i came home, only to discover my laptop won`t f-king start. The power button just doesn`t work. It was fine this morning.

I am in such a bad, pissed, bitchy mood. Even though it`s stupid and it doesn`t help anything.

DAMN IT.

This is one sucky day

As with the peak and troughs of a transverse wave function (I remember this!), with every up there is a down. After doses of delight yesterday, today was quite a downer.

On the Ed front, I seem to be coping less than usually well this week. =( Never what happened, I woke up this morning in a horrible mood. I actually, FINALLY, got out of bed to run at 5:45am, and guess what? I was feeling so pms-y I decided not to run, couldn’t get back to sleep, and attempted to soothe myself with the piano. Even then, it was an hours worth of bad music – all I did was play through pieces, rarely stopping to really correct whatever I was unhappy with, which was a hell lot.

Exhausted as always, I fell asleep on the bus on my way to work, and when I woke up, I was horrified to find that I just missed my stop! Well, fine, walk one stop, no big deal for a person like me who claims to love exercising.

So, I get to the office, and then I discover the most depressing thing ever – I couldn’t find my handphone! Called, and called, and called some more, it rang, did not rang, rang again, stopped ringing… and I eventually got my guts up and told my mum to cancel the line. I am very upset. I will probably get a new phone soon, but I am so unhappy with my own stupidity. I must have either had it stolen while sleeping, or dropped it while dashing off the bus. And I keep things in my handphone! As with many things I possess, I develop an attachment towards them – that handphone, is mine, old or not, pretty or not (oh but I love it’s black, guyish look).

And yea, talk about omens- the moment I jumped off the bus just now, I saw a big board at the 7-11 saying 'handphone without contract for $80' and was just thinking whether my family should get one since we (i.e. the brothers) have a tendency to lose and spoil phones. Like, OMG. =..(

That pretty much ruined my day. Moody at the office, tired of reading the same information over and over again, because I am still doing up my powerpoint on eco-cities. I think I am actually beginning to hate powerpoint, especially Powerpoint 2003. Life with Office 2007 is so much better, except this office doesn’t use it, and well, neither does NUS.

I was slightly cheered up during lunch, when I headed over to meet NicNic for a quick lunch at Raffles City. Cedele Walnut Carrot Cake and NicNic’s (he wore a purple striped shirt for me!) made me feel better, but as I headed back, I found myself wishing the day would just hurry end.

Goodness. I sound so defeatist. The brighter side of tonight is (hurhur, the brighter side of the darker part of the day, I am so lame), I’m meeting Engsiang for dinner at Raffles City. He did tell me to try to feel better by then, which I find difficult to, but I think he will put me in a better mood, haven’t seen that boy in such a long time!

Well, in accordance to my ‘all or nothing’ tendencies, since I’m in the most, foul, moody, bitchy mood today – I might as well go all out and type out a blog post that is depressing, whiney, and bitchy. I have yet to cover bitchy, so I shall do so now with my greatest gripe – I absolutely hate the ‘ok’ when it comes in abundance. ‘ok’ ‘ok’ ‘ok’ ‘ok’ enough already!

I think when I get home tonight, if I don’t sleep immediately, I’m just going to play piano, or hide in a corner and read my book. Or well, maybe I’d just chill out with Engs if I'm up for it. Off to meet him!

I love it bro!

Blessed day

Really, I feel so blessed. Just this morning, I was thinking about how I should go back to church this Sunday. And then, I received great news in the afternoon from the durian. Twice, horrible time slots were replaced with that which couldn’t be more perfect. I am so happy.

And even happier that others are happy. The enthusiasm I’ve encountered thus far is heartening. Indeed, I feel like I’ve been graced with such favour. I had so much worry when I took up the responsibility, but by the looks of it, I have with me a most supportive team of people. Yay.

More surprises in the late afternoon – I received a call from Teo Engsiang, who has graduated, and is back in Singapore!

I was quite upset that I didn’t manage to wake up to run (AGAIN) because I couldn’t sleep last night (plus minor screw ups in the middle of the night), BUT well, it’s been a happy snappy day. My colleagues dragged me out to lunch with them, and it was nice to discover that they are such a cool and diverse bunch of people – different nationalities aside, there are dancers, drummers, jazz enthusiasts… and another pianist! One of them is heading to NYC for a vacation, and boy, talking about that place reminds me of how much I miss it.

I must go back to New York City one day. Revisit good memories, and then rewrite horror tales.

It’s days like these, I’m really reminded, I’ve been given second chances in life, blessed beyond measure. The things I treasure so much, I must fight to keep. Life, he has been mean at times, but really generous with me.

I love you.

I can't sleep

Again, I am unable to fall asleep, despite the fact that I was so tired during work that I had to do my toilet nap. I really do have a problem - sometimes, when I find myself unable to sleep, I find myself thinking about how I am supposed to be up by six am to run and practice piano, and just the thought of that keeps me awake. SIGH.

I was quite pleased with the way things went in the evening. A pleasant meeting at the Esplanade, much thanks to Mark (Mark Sim, not MarkMark, lol) who was a huge help in providing much needed musical expertise which I lack. Followed by an enjoyable dinner at Soup Spoon, haven't eaten there since JC! My minestrone was a tad disappointing, but the salad was great. Two years ago, I worked with Mark as piano duo partners, and I must say, it's nice and refreshing to work together with him again, in a different capacity. Looking at how everything has proceed til date, I think I have been blessed, thus far.

Mark asked me a whole lot of random questions, all of which provoked quite a lot of thought. For instance, what I planned to do in future. Tough question - at the moment, I'm inclined to say consultancy, but am I good enough? Do I speak well enough? Am I outgoing enough? Sharp-minded enough? In fact, I can't even seem to endure regular working hours. I find myself losing concentration and motivation towards the later part of the day, and looking forward to the clock striking six. I find routine so comforting, but so tedious at the same time.

Oh, while waiting for Mark, I discovered a quaint, nice little corner at the Esplanade library. I can't believe I never noticed, but the view at the newspaper section is splendid- the cityscape along the Shenton area, and the esplanade bay. While reading my book there, I thought I should sometimes just stop by after work to relax and spend some time reading by myself. But being the really boring person that I am, I decided that if I had any such time...

I should just go straight home, run, and practise my ass off.

I’m trying to relax here, but I have not exercised for three days! The weekend was packed with handover and committee meeting (a very good one though, well worth the effort I put in), and then, I had a stuffy nose/throat yesterday, and I willed myself to just rest.

Once I slack, I slack all the way! Yesterday, I managed to take the time freed up for two (very demoralizing) piano practice sessions… I meant to wake up to do my scales this morning, but guess what, I slept until 7:15am. =( I at 11pm last night, but I was still SO TIRED when my alarm rang at 6am. What the hell?!!!! I must not be such a pig tomorrow!

I have yet another meeting at the Esplanade tonight with Mark, and then Kebs… which really mean, besides work, today is essentially unproductive. Hate it when I pass my days like this.

Oh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mouse Lian Rodent! My goodness, you have no idea, how much I love you, the first best girlfriend I’ve made in a long time, and probably only the second or third girl I’ve met during uni that I really treasure. (not that we actually met in NUS, hahaha) You’re the turning point of my life, my mouse, my spouse, my blouse, my house, heehee.

Yep, it’s Miss Kim Lian Rolles’ 20th today. That means both of us purple freaks are May babies. =) We finally, and I mean, FINALLY, had Sushi Tei together again last night at Thomson Plaza. I miss the times when we could spend so much time together, but along came exams when we decided to study separately, and then work… =( I miss you mouse!

I don’t how to make you understand, and I probably shouldn’t expect you to, or ask for that much. I know I can be a disappointment- but each time I hear, or see that note of disappointment, a part of me is hurt too.

I can't even play with the metronome :(

Men of high expectations

Today, my brother and I found my darling Lady sleeping so sweetly and soundly. Didn't even wake up to the shuttle sound of my camera.
I think I must be like that when I sleep. She's so sweet, so cute, such a dear.
aww... what is she dreaming about?

http://dino-14579.livejournal.com/ - see the puppy corgi (black!) on this blog. I am so infatuated with it and it's heart shaped butt. It's the cutest thing ever.

I have high expectations of myself, perhaps unduly, riduclously high. And yet, I'm so tardy about other things that I don't care for. And I know, of people, who have such high expectations of others.

This man in my life, whom I love, but want to scream at sometimes. After a week apart, we can't hold a proper conversation, because I can't help but cringe and rebutt at his comments about everything - from the empty shoebox, to that contact lens case, to why I"m exercising, why I am not exercising, the shampoo, the soap, the number of bottles in the fridge, why I'm eating, why I'm not eating... every damned thing there is to nit-pick, it's been done. I asked if dinner was nice, and carelessly mentioned that I got it from NUS, and then the food was no longer nice - because of all the 'effort' i put into going all the way to school to get it. I can't meet his expectations. I try to compromise sometimes, but I don't want to meet them, because it's just not in my nature.

And this other man, he reminds me of my incompetence every Sunday. I'm not complaining, it's his job, and I'm glad he's doing it. It's just that, I feel such a sense of failure sometimes. After working so hard during the week, harder than the previously week- at 6am in the morning, when I get back from work, I realized, I still fall so short of his expectations. Back to the basics, over and over again, and suddenly, I feel like I've never achieved anything after all these years at the ivory keys. He spoke of auditions, which he never put me through- and I realized, how fortunate I am, for I probably would never have met his expectations (and maybe a bit guilty too.) But more than anything, I'm determined to show that I can do it - not him, but myself, because I want to do this. Discipline, discipline, discipline.

From this week onwards, I'm going to keep a log book my my practise, just like the guys I see in the gym, who record their workout details. Really, I increasingly feel tempted to turn into an antisocial recluse- to hide in the office during lunch break to do my stuff, then go straight home after work, to practise and practise, run alone.

I really quite a loner, all the things I pursue are solitary activities! I love to run, mainly because I can do it myself. Almost anytime I feel like it. No obligation to do it at a certain time every week because 'we' have set a time, no need to be subject to the scrutiny and words of others when I'm doing my thing, no one to stop or push me when I don't feel like it. I've rarely enjoyed team sports- I didn't like basketball, netball was fine, soccer was tiring because so many people was chasing one ball and only one got to kick... I've never gone working in pairs- duo piano playing (which I love), and badminton doubles when I still played competitively. Even then, I always liked the singles game, except I wasn't good enough for it. Maybe my mum is right when she says I'm just locked into my own world.

My expectations just keep getting higher and higher!

The Sleep Log

For the sake of it-

Last night, I finally slept the moment I hit the sack because I've been so exhuasted. And apparantly, I whined, and said, 'Nicholas' in my sleep. Then, I dreamt that I was wondering whether to withdraw from a module because I never attended a single lesson and I forgot to attend a 10 percent test. I forgot to attend, because I went for piano lesson instead. In my dream, Minyu was my piano teacher, but we were having lesson at Mr Ku's house. Mr Ku then woke up from his sleep and I saw him smoking.

I really have very interesting sleep.

Linda =)

Anyone wants to go to the Singapore National Museum?

This morning, we had a company trip to the Singapore National Museum. It was my first time there in at least ten years, and boy was I impressed! It has been totally revamped since I last saw it. As the trip was for the consultants and designers to learn about how to 'turn spaces into stories', we had one of the project managers of the Canadian firm which helped to design/conceptualize the revamp to take us on a tour. It was thus a guided tour from a very different perspective, as the focus was on the experience they were trying to create with the space, sound, display... down to stuff like where to put benches and the number of earpieces to have for the handheld audioguide! We were only taken round the Singapore History Museum, and it was surprisingly cool- loads of multimedia, which made it very interesting (though I'm not so sure about the authenticitiy of the history it told in doing so.)

Unfortunately, we did not visit the Living Galleries, which is featuring photography, food and culture, and film exhibits! Anyone wants to go take a look with me sometime?

Well, I could have gone back with my complimentary ticket after work, but...

I AM MEETING LINDA FOR DINNER. =)=)=) NicNic, Jiayuan and Kim were all not free, but Linda was! Amazing, for a Friday night. Can't wait to see her!

Last night and tonight, I've been doing pretty extreme running and practising. I ran about 5km last night, and another 6km this morning because I couldn't sleep well. It felt wonderful, especially when I reached the reservoir this mornining at 6:40am, and I heard songs I haven't heard in a long time, like Stuck in the Middle with You. And yesterday, I managed to squeeze in three piano practise sessions, haha! One at 7am, one at 8pm, and then one at 10pm after my run. I wish I can spend all day practising and not go to work.

I hope I can continue waking up early to get things done, especially since working is just sucking all the time and energy out of me. Mad as it seems to try to wake at 6am everyday. Oh yea, Mr Ku commented that it was 'super early' for piano practising, and one morning, at 5:30am (obviously I was sleeping), he sms-ed to ask if I was alraedy up. Goodness! I shall wake up early again tomorrow, since there's a committee meeting in the afternoon.

But I haven't been able to sleep at night... annoying.

I just got my accomodation details for my internship in Beijing. 25 days of Hotel Living, but most importantly... THERE IS A GYM THERE, WHEW. Now I need to think about where to find a piano to practise.

And last night, I heard something which left me quite taken aback for awhile. Like, speechless. In Jiayuan's words, 'my words have come true.' Oh well, but I'm past it now, haha.

Sigh, I miss Mouse Lian Rolles. That woman is going to Macau next week.

Lunch Break at work is meant to catch up with my life

From Sunday's kimchi dinner with NicNic. Check out the glow that mysteriously appeared above my head. In Nic's words, 'You've been annointed by the purple light.'

Had a day off work yesterday due to appointments. Guess whowho I metmet at Life Centre! RyanRyan!
I miss MouseMouse. She came to LifeCentre to find me...
...with Yuanxin! Who gave me a bottle of scent which is nice. Can't figure out whether it's primarily floral or fruit based.


New blouse!

Met up with Ray for a belated birthday dinner at Thomson Plaza's Thai Express. He's not interning at MFA, and it's the first time I've seen him dressed so formerly!


I like this picture Ray took of me!

And I like this picture I took of him!

I rarely have time to hang out with Ray these days, but we've arranged for another dinner/gossip session next Wed. Yay. I miss my brother, my first friend in university. =)

For two nights in a row, I've not been able to sleep. This morning, I managed to wake up for a run/short piano practise session. Still, thank goodness. I'm really very determined to regulate my sleeping hours and discipline, but even getting off msn/the net takes so much discipline! Gym later, and long(er) piano practise session.

I discovered yesterday that I am in fact, much poorer than I ever thought. Being rather fortunate to have monetary 'gifts' from various sources (including the parents at times) over the past few years, I've stopped being particularly prudent about my bank account. I always assumed I'd be fine without scrimping and monitoring every single cent. But I realize, this must not go on anymore. My account is being exponentially depeleted by piano lessons (ah, why did I ever even volunteer to pay myself?) $320/month, that makes $3840 a month! Sigh, I better make sure I really discipline myself to practise my ass off. This is too meaningful to give up.

Okay, I was semi-struggling for the past hour, but I think I have rationalized it and I can get through today sanely. It's okay Cheng Wei, it's OKAY.

Hurt

Perhaps I'm petty, sensitive and unobjective-

But I realized, I've seen a very self-centered part of you. Or maybe I held overly high expectations, and am being quite a bitch for imposing them on others. Not that it changes the fact that you could have done better.

Anyway, NicNic came to my place to play with my DogDog yesterday. Being the Nerdylemon that he is, he brought a book and ended up reading some soci book at my dining table. Goodness gracious me. He took the coolest shot of me ever during dinner, but I can't upload it now!

I was SO TIRED during work today. I'm really quite disgusted at what a pig I can be. I slept early just to wake up for my 6am run, but I conveniently hit the snooze button on the alarm and went straight back to sleep. The next thing I knew, it was time to rush for work. Nevermind, most people would say six am for running/piano is unearthly, so fine, I can just forgive myself. During work, I was SO SLEEPY. After so much sleep, I was still nodding off during work, and had to head to the loo to take a short 5 min nap, TWICE. Seriously, sometimes I just want to nap at my desk.

Kebs thinks I've a sleep disorder- narcolepsy, characterized by uncontrollable urges to sleep in the day. Scary! I read up on its symptoms and two of them seems to match me-
1. hypnagogic hallucinations -- pre-sleep dreams
I'm not that sure, but I dream A LOT, even when I'm half awake, or when I'm doing my toilet naps.

2. Automatic behaviors -- such as, for example, doing something "automatically" and not remembering afterwards how you did it.
Not sure what this refers to, but I automatically talk in my sleep all the time, haha. And soemtimes, erm, I twitch in my sleep? (like unconsciously, but it wakes me up, lol)

I was so happy to scoot out of the office today, and headed to the gym for the first time in a week. Bad news here- the NUSS gym is CLOSING for a year in July. Like, OH MY GAWD, that's like the only meaning of my club membership. This gymmer was enthusiastically getting us to sign a petition, it better get through. And Freddie, the gym instructor, is gone. He called me briefly, and he's already got a job at Phillippines. Sigh. Really, things can change so quickly.

Post dinner with Kebs and BanBan, I went for a long long run. Made sure I was quite certain I hit 10km (except for the bit when I got a stomachache and had to stop for the loo, hate it when that happens while I am in the midst of my run). Felt good to be running again, after so many days, and I took the time to listen to my new Dvorak album. Heard Symphony No. 8 and Legends, beautiful. I love Czech music.

Oh, I set a record yesterday, I practised piano in three bouts- totaling three hours. That's amazing for me! To sit down and actually do separate hands practising, with metronome, at localized areas, for such a long time. The Grieg is getting better, but not coming along well and fast enough for my liking. I'm not concentrating on 2.5 pieces- Grieg, Beethoven, and Debussy (0.5 because this is last on my priority practise list).

On the battlefront, I've sort of been semi-lapsing the past few days. Not fully, but well, somewhat, near slips, just within the limits of my tolerance. Sigh. Grant me the strength to move on.

tsktsk

To date, we have ONE decent picture together.
(and I look ugly in it)

On my birthday, he refuses to oblige me.

Yep, same thing when I accompanied for five hours to the airport to pick up his mum!

He is sucks!

Practise makes perfect

'You don't get there by praying, but by practising. But isn't it so encouraging to know? You can become like them if you practise.'

Discipline. Patience. Dillegence.

Every week, as I sit there, listening, and getting nit picked (not that I am complaning- I'm thankful in fact), I realize that those are the three that I need to master. And til now, I have not achieved it. I now see the value of localized practising, even if it's a short sequence, and am beginning to feel the joy of getting everything precise each time. But there's regret, and a sense of discouragement- I'm no longer young, and I'm still so far away, so when am I going to get there?

In my younger days, I was very prideful. Better late than never, I suppose.

I really do enjoy it, but today, I just felt a sense of incompetence, and discouragement. And I kind of know I could have put in more effort as well. All that time wasted because I'm so ill disciplined, messy, disorganized.

But on a different note, he asked me, almost randomly, 'Do you think you work hard?'
I was surprised by how I almost couldn't answer that seemingly easy question, and then, I said, almost in embarrassment, 'I don't know! I never ever feel like I work hard enough.'
To my surprise, he said, 'That's exactly it! I always felt that way, even when I practised 8 hours a day.'

Damn it, I don't work hard enough! Never will!

Met ELY and Jiayuan for lunch and laughter today! I miss this girl, my friend from Primary school until now. We took loads of stupid pictures, but that's gotta wait until Ely sends them to me.

I am seriously getting good at choosing guy's clothes. Even while shopping with others (was helping Jiayuan today), I pick up nice shirts, and start matching them to people whom I think will look good in them. And I am actually usually right, haha. I should be a guy.

Met up with Kebs and his cool camera at Lower Pierce. It's been a long time since I've been there (wanted to run there today, but that got shelved). I've missed the place, it's serenity, and families spending time together doing the simplest of things like jogging, fishing or painting. I must spend more time at the reservoirs, both upper and lower.

And I decided to take a few photos myself with my Camera phone! Kebs taught me some new editing skills, and tadaa. I'm actually quite pleased with the effect, given it was a lousy camera. Love that artsy picture of the boy fishing in near grayscale.

I've always liked trees. Tried to add colour to this and green-up the trees, but well, there was only so much I could do when the picture was so dark.

This is quite grotesquely unclear, taken with the panaromic function of my phone. That's kebs and his camera. I like it anyway.

TGIF, TGIS, TGIST AND TGIAPHOM!

Translation: Thank god it's Friday, thank god it's Saturday, Thank god it's Sunday tomorrow, and thank god it's a public holiday on Monday!



I was so exhuasted yesterday that I could barely concentrate on work towards the last three hours. I wanted to just collapse. I'm really liking the workplace culture though- every Friday, there's a sharing session at the end, where someone prepares a presentation of a learning experience from a project and shares it with the rest of the team. So everyone gathers, ask questions, and have some wine. (people really do ask questions!) Unfortunately, I was so tired that I was nodding off. It was actually a very insightful presentation to my inexperienced eye - I just love seeing how information can be summarized/distilled and presented in the most succinct and comprehensive way possible. That's exactly what I'm trying to do now with the project on my hand- but oh the work behind it!



After work, I had to head down to the university for meetings. Goodness, I was so tempted to just cab and snooze all the way, but decided I must not revert to my careless spending. Thank goodness, for I had to take a cab home. Admittedly, I could have cabbed halfway, then switch to a bus, but well, I was really really really zoned out by then.



I neglected to mention, after dinner with NicNic on Thursday, I went to HMV and they were having a sale! And I got Dvorak boxset, and a symphony boxset. Goodness, 20 bucks and 8 bucks! I didn't set out to buy the collection of symphonies, but look, I would pay 8 bucks if they had just one symphony I liked.



The joys of living at home! I am now in my air-con room, lying on the bed, and Dvorak is coming out of my CD player.

And I'm staring at chee CHEONG fan. He's really so cute!

Great time!

From last night's dinner at the Esplanade with Sooty, my music Coordinator, BanBan, and Kebs. BanBan's second go at Jap food! Look at Kebs, refuse to smile with me.

Introducing to my new lovely pet... chee CHEONG fan!
Heehee! It's so cute, and there's NicNic and it's arse.
Just as I took this picture, this caucasian guy walked past me, smirked, and then gave me the thumbs up sign.

NicNic treated me to dinner tonight. Tom Yum at Thai Express! We discovered this new marche style Jap place. Once he starts work... hohoho, I think we'll have so much fun bitching/laughing after work. NicNic came over to play with my dog (mouse, he LOVES LADY, LOVES LOVES LOVES)

I had a great time. There were pangs of... well, temptations. But I thoughly enjoyed myself with my laughing partner. =) We're like, so retarded, like serious, oh my gawd.

Chasing, chasing,

and then, chasing.

Last night, I heard the story of someone who worked hard, to chase after what he wanted. When he reached there, he realized that he wasn't happy at all, and could no longer keep it up. And then, let go of all he worked towards.

This reminds me of what my partner once said- When you start asking yourself why you are doing what you do, or there ceases to be meaning, perhaps it's time to leave.

I'll be a hypocrite if I said I could walk out of the door right now, and never return, or never revisit old habits (in fact, those will take time to change- and willingness). But from now, I affirm that if I really have to, I CAN live with the way things are, for the rest of my life.

More importantly, my priority is on what's inside.

I guess, I got to find the will in me to fight for my own life, my right- not for anyone, but just me, myself and I. I don't know why I'm fighting it so hard to find the strength from within.

And I guess it's for the best. For what it's worth.

I invest my time and energy into others, and then that abusive thing. It somehow seems easier than just taking care of myself.

Be still, be still.

Work is over today! I amazingly didn't feel like I was about to fall asleep any moment post lunch. In fact, I had a pretty productive day doing my own research and reading articles on wine tourism. Until the last hour, when I really started nodding off and dying to just scoot off.

My colleague passed me a whole bunch of articles on destination branding today and I read all of them whenever I needed a break from wine. Interesting stuff! I really gain immense satisfaction from picking out information, sorting them out and reorganizing them, though it gets pretty tedious- I need my naps, ugh!

I suspect I might look really antisocial. Seriously, people like BanBan find it hard to believe, but my normal face is actually very fierce/stuck up/unfriendly, and when left with work I'm engrossed in, I can shut myself from the whole world, I realize. And as many have noted, my lack of situational awareness contributes to me focusing on work and not noticing anything around me. Oh well, but my colleagues got me to sit down and have lunch with them today. =)

I decided to give myself a break today, and did not wake up to run/practise piano in the morning. And then, I woke up later than I expected. This is horrible. I'm feeling bad about it, though it shouldn't matter. I just feel hyper! I went back to the gym yesterday (can live heavier weights after a one week hiatus!), and my arms and legs just aren't aching enough today, so I don't feel satisfied.

Okay, time to get out of the office. And take a slow walk to Esplanade. Tonight, I shall try to relax with friends I love. =)

By right, it should be a happy day, but I'm feeling inexplicably blah, almost down.

It's on this day that I know, for sure, it's been a year. Yes, one year on, I've come so far. But I still live in the past, every so often. Still thinking back, healing, but still yearning, not knowing what I want at time. And it's also on this day, that I know for sure, without a doubt, it's been more than two years before I walked into that snare. For I remember exactly what happened on this day, two years ago.

Perhaps it's true that I live a lie. But I don't know how to believe, or how to explain, that it's just so hard. I feel like I'm cheating myself, if I do believe. That self-centered part of me still wants my whole world to myself.

=( =( =(

I'm really tired, so so tired. I've put myself all these crap, day in day out. And each time I sink so low, I realize it has gotten me no where. Deep down, it feels like it's time to raise my hands in surrender, and then quit. But til this day, I'm sorry to say I've never truly said I quit, and meant it with all my heart. It's really so difficult, almost too difficult, like giving up my identity, little as it may be.

Sometimes I ask, why can't I just live the road less travelled? But I guess, being different just isn't a legitimate excuse when it gets you nowhere, makes you more miserable than ever.

I really just got to find the will in me to move on somehow.

Snoozing on the Great White Throne

Hoho, I’m at the office now. I have finished the work I set out to do for the day, and there isn’t much time left, so I don’t feel like continuing. As usual, I was falling asleep in the afternoon- I swear my colleague saw me nodding. When I went for a toilet break, I set my alarm for five minutes, just in case I fell asleep on the great white throne… and true enough, I did. Goodness, I just cannot do without naps! I really think companies should allow employees to take short naps- my productivity would shoot up! Oh yes, and now I have my own desk.

Anyway, I perked up towards the last hour of work, as I always do. I had quite a lot of fun researching on wine tourism while listening to Dvorak’s symphonies! I never knew wine tourism could be such a huge thing.

Sigh, I need to find a way out of this. I am so bad at waking up early. Six hours of sleep and no afternoon naps just does not cut it! This morning, I woke up to run, and practice piano, so that I can gym a bit tonight. I’ll be out tomorrow evening, so I supposed I’d have to wake up early again tomorrow for piano. I was already so tempted to return to sleep when the alarm rang this morning. Maybe it’s just a matter of getting used to routine and discipline- when I really start working in future, I don’t intend to give up piano and all the things I do! They must fit into my schedule, somehow. I meant to read on the way to work today, but I was so sleepy I just slept, waking up in discomfort every now and then. Rarr, there must be a way to super balance everything!

(Given that I actually like routine, sometimes. Or at least, the security of its predictability.)

Bus time shall be dedicated to sleeping from now on. Lunch time, to doing my stuff.

Day 1 at work

So today, I woke up to run before work. And I was SO TIRED, like Oh my goodness, SO TIRED on the way out of the reservoir. This uncle that looked like he was 70 years old (muscular and old) was so much faster than me. I really felt so lousy, I'm supposed to be able to run Upper + Lower Pierce reservoirs, and today I only ran upper because I wanted to make sure I had enough time to get to work! Le Pathetique!

Tomorrow. I'll wake up a bit earlier.

After fretting so much about work, it turned out to be a rather casual affair. I was most formally dressed person besides the boss (this caucasian dude). I think there're less than 30 people in the entire office, which was disappointing- but they've done pretty cool stuff, DBS, Vivocity, Youth Olympics etc. I guess the Singapore branch is just a small office! And I was pleasantly surprised to discover, what they do seems to be exactly what I do during projects in school, just on a larger scale. =) I was assigned some simple research work, and I think I'd be able to handle it for now. But who knows what else will come on my plate.

And people seem nice, open and friendly. All very helpful. Except I'm the kind of person who probably likes to hole up in office during lunch to catch up on music/msn/youtube/emails/sleep/piano stuff. I went for lunch today, but I might do some hole-ing up in future, so tiring not to have a break! If only there was a gym/shower at the workplace, then you know where Cheng Wei will be during lunch breaks. I just think... well, so much of my time is going to be taken up by work, I feel like breaks should be put to good use, even if it's sleeping in the office while everyone is gone. haha. I was so tempted to watch Youtube today during lunch- I miss my Dvorak symphonies!

(hint: someone, so kind, please buy me his symphonies!)

Okay, I attended a grand total of FOUR (informal) meetings today. I was falling asleep at my desk post lunch. I'm so used to powernaps, that I was wondering if it's allowed in office. Half an hour of nodding and not absorbing any of the articles I was reading, I gave myself a second cup of coffee. Then I really got into things- the 'chengwei-project-mode' was in full blast and I didn't feel like leaving the office. I left about ten minutes late, ha. Work seems bearable (qualification: for now). And I've to add, I know structured time is GOOD for me.

Oh, the receptionist was hilarious. This really pretty Malay lady. I asked her for her name and she said, 'Call me J.Lo.' HAHA! And I made boo-boos on my first day of work- I tripped over my laptop cable (did I mention, I was given my own laptop? Nice and slim, so I don't have to lug my fujitsu) And then, I walked into the wrong office- they share an office floor with an advertising agency, and I happily (yes nicnic, happy-LEE) walked in.

I HAVE NOT GYMMED FOR EXACTLY A WEEK and I feel YUCK. I was supposed to go today, but kebs tempted me with dinner after a long day of work. So I found myself at Sushi Tei and then chilling at Kebs place for awhile. Tomorrow, me will GYM. I can see Freddie the gym instructor laughing at me struggling with the weights already. Grossness!

(okay, I tend to make a big deal out of nothing, I know)

Where is NicNic? I can't go by a day without like, oh my gawd, seriously, totally.

Better

I'm finally feeling slightly better, after piano lesson, and running back from Mr Ku's place. Exercise is always like a restart from a fall, makes me feel better about myself. My piano teacher was so amused that I was actually going to run back with my scores in hand (in a plastic bag) that he asked-

'You're going to run the moment you reach downstairs right?'
'Erm, ya'
'Good, I want to see how you do it from here.'

HAHA. He probably thought he saw a duck running. We were chatting a little about fitness today and I realized that my teacher is probably a bit like me. He used to run his 2.4km for FUN in Hwa Chong (sounds oh-so-familiar) and did all kinds of things in army to make sure he was fit. Sounds like what I'd do if I had to serve NS. Except his deterioriated current 2.4km timing is 11+ min, while my fastest ever timing was 12 min 5 secs.

Yes, yes, everyone is going to roll their eyes at what I'm about to say- but I felt so UNFIT today while running. My goodness. Seriously, for the amount I exercise, I am really an unfit tortoise. Gross thing who moves like there's a shell on my back.

Oh my gawd (yes I can't stop saying this, like, totally!), I called NicNic after piano today and accidentally said a 'heehee' in front of my piano teacher. And he said, 'What was that noise you just made?' Seriously, my 'heehee' is exclusively for select ears. Like, totally. (Gosh, nerdylemon are you reading this? We're infected with the bimbo virus!)

When I got back from running, NicNic called just as I was doing some stretches. And oh my gawd, I laughed til my stomach hurt too much to do many situps. Seriously, we've the FUNNIEST conversations. I think we can start a sitcom together, like, totally. And I almost died laughing later when I got the following sms-

'like Oh my gawd... there's tons of garden veg here. Looks like our internship is in jeopardy.'

[Reference to our supposed internship to help Ashton's plant more garden veggies since they were running out it]

Goodness. I can't believe how much nonsense I can spout. I can't imagine life without my library partner; I probably wouldn't hang out in the library very much.

Before dinner (at sushi tei!), I got two new classical music CDs. One of them is 'Fantasy and Fairy tales'- all the tunes that are written around fantasy stories. I love Peter and the Wolf! Shall have something new to listen to during lunch breaks at the office.

I got to get into the routine of sleeping early. Work's starting. Sigh. 9am everyday, means I've to wake up by 6 plus everyday- plan to run in the morning, practise piano at night or vice versa. Seriously, how am I going to wake up, like, oh my gawd, I so need someone to send me in his mini cooper.

I have not ran or gymmed since Thu night (that was a puny run, almost not counted) and I'm beginning to feel absolutely GROSS. And, I did not manage to wake up to run this morning.

These holidays, I'm going to prove it's absolutely possible to be working woman who turns up for work, gyms, swims, runs, play piano, run a committee. (and somehow have a semblence of a life). Come 31st May, see me run 10km in an hour! Okay, so it's not fantastic, but I almost died the last time I did it under an hour.

I'm beginning to miss the routine of the exams and reading week. (really, everyday should be reading week, as long as exams never start). Left on my own, without any structured time, life goes haywire.

Gawd, I really feel GROSS now. Like, totally, seriously, oh my gawd help.

I'm so going to bitch

That really made me feel like f*ck, though you probably don't give a shit. I guess I only have myself to blame. People tire, it's true.

I really haven't felt so down in the longest time ever. Absolutely pathetic. And I can't expect to be whining all the time and have people look out for me. I suppose it's time I stand by myself. And then what, pretend all is fine and merry, and happy and clappy?

Sigh. I guess I'm tired and hopefully it'd all pass after I sleep it off. =(

Like, really?

Like totally,
Seriously,
Oh my gawd so much vegetables.

Whatever!

Post Exams

This is from the night BanBan and I ended exams together and I brought him to Sushi Tei for his first dose of Japanese food! He's aim is to master the art of using the chopsticks before he leaves Singapore.

And NicNic finished yesterday, so off we went to hang out at Holland V. Lazed about at Essential Brew over a late lunch. Totally left the waitress weirded out with our 'like, TOTALLY', 'Oh my GAWD', 'its so stewpid', 'whatever'- all in bimbotic voices. (Nic felt ridiculous ordering a cup of 'rosebuds) before doing random things...

I've been testing out my photo editing skills! This is the best I can salvage of the blur photo.


We went to the Pet Lovers Centre... and there were three baby corgis. OMG SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE. We were squealing and squealing and squealing at them. I only have pictures of two of them... the one with both ears standing up is a girl, very hyperactive. The one with just one ear standing up (the other will stand eventually is a boy!) and it's SO SO SO adorably shy! I want to buy a little corgi to accompany my Lady! The lady let me hold the male one for awhile, and he was just so adorable. There were a few chi wa wa (is that how you spell it), but we both thought those things are pathetic excuses for a dog. Yuck.
And then, we spotted the FUNNIEST banner next to the mosque at Holland Village! Nic looks like he's making a feeble attempt to shelter himself from imaginary rain.
And more stupid signs. The one on the left says Weak in Science?-Help is on hand.


Doesn't mousemouse look cool here? She accompanied me to the salon today for a long overdue haircut, where I got my hair back to a more regular colour for work. It's so dark now that I'm not used to it. I look... freakingly decent.
After what seems like AGES, mouse and I finally had a stayover last night at her place. According to her, in the middle of the night, just as she was about to go to the loo, I mumbled, 'mouse mouse where are you?' She said 'I'm here I'm here' but I refused to shut up, then she remembered that I sleep talk and went to toilet. And when she came back, I said, 'MARCUS NICHOLAS.' What in the world.

I miss my mouse. We had so much to laugh/gossip/talk about on her carpet last night.

I went to collect the most retarded essay I've written in my life. I didn't do that badly, but mouse and I decided to tear it up together for fun anyway. We want to work as paper shredders!

This is JONAS Goh Jia Yuan, Miss, who requested to be featured on my blog. He asked me to buy MnMs Chocolate Milk (flavour), and being so cleBer, I bought MnMs nuts and Chocolate milk. (s)He thinks it's funny.

Stupid Jiayuan. Good luck for last paper tomorrow.