I sit and look out upon all the sorrows of the world, and upon all
oppression and shame;
I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men, at anguish with
themselves, remorseful after deeds done;
I see, in low life, the mother misused by her children, dying,
neglected, gaunt, desperate;
I see the wife misused by her husband--I see the treacherous seducer
of young women;
I mark the ranklings of jealousy and unrequited love, attempted to be
hid--I see these sights on the earth;
I see the workings of battle, pestilence, tyranny--I see martyrs and
prisoners;
I observe a famine at sea--I observe the sailors casting lots who
shall be kill'd, to preserve the lives of the rest;
I observe the slights and degradations cast by arrogant persons upon
laborers, the poor, and upon negroes, and the like;
All these--All the meanness and agony without end, I sitting, look
out upon,
See, hear, and am silent.
I've made my own peace- With status quo. And yet- There's a tinge, of hurt Every now and then, lingering, The half-forgotten regret Of what should not have been, What might be, except that fools Are blind. But who is the fool- I do not, and dare not know. It is now cast in cold hard stone, Which makes the warmth- More than comfortable. But Still, sometimes, the warm glow Can be so painfully glaring.
Ah, the benefits of having the parents away and the car at my disposal. Being so sick of Pee Gee Pee food that I almost cannot bear the smell of the food court, I got Ban and Kebs out for dinner at Holland V!
Ban Ban and Wei Wei! Kebs is evidently not very happy. Cat fight, as usual. My two dates didn't like each other very much huh?
It just occured to me that on a whole, I have actually had a very happy semester. In fact, it might actually be the happiest semester of my entire university life. Which is... pretty amazing, given the circumstances. =) I've come so so so far, and I think it's really all the people who have brought so much joy into my life who have also unknowingly brought me so far.
Okay, this is getting a bit extreme. I am just SO ADDICTED TO R U N N I N G ! ! ! Today, I ran for about an hour- through the road at the back of King Edward Hall to YIH, down to business, up the business slope, pass central library, UCC, then pass Kent Ridge Terminal, back in to Hui Meng Keng Terrace, back through back of King Edward Hall... as I was reaching back, I was like, 'huh?! JUST LIKE THAT?' I didn't even feel satisfied. =( I was so tempted to run through South Bouna Vista Road, but decided to sprint up the PGP slope, to leave me breathless enough to want to stop.
I just look forward to running everyday! My favourite time to run is before dinner, just as the sun sets. Lovely weather, pretty skies... just a bit too many cars and pollution going on. What's wrong with me?! I'm already thinking about where I shall run tomorrow!
I think in future, I'll run back home from piano lesson on Sundays.
Some people, feel so much a part of you that you feel for them- Disappointment, love, sadness, joy, worry. And also PRIDE, like how absolutely proud I am of my dearest Mouse Lian Rolles for what she's been achieving these couple of days. You can do it Mouse Lian Rolles! =)
Spent the day studying at Guild House with Ban Ban today. This picture was originally quite ugly and blur... just spent the last 20 minutes trying to sharpen it! haha
Call Cheng Wei crazy, but I'm actually semi-enjoying the reading week/exam period. I spend my days sitting down in peace, reading, gymming, running, hanging out with friends, and lazing in bed. No hassles of classes, project meetings, or mad essays... it's me, my own time, my own pace. Well, I suppose that's because I don't seem to be giving a shit about the PS exam!
I've discovered that the Asia Pacific Business module is actually fairly interesting, after I've conveniently skipped lectures for an entire semester. I actually enjoy watching the webcast- the material is very current. Left with just that to focus on, I guess that's why I can say the week is going good. This is what life should be like- putting your brains to things you enjoy, and then some time for laughter, fun, and RUNNING.
I gave myself a break from running on Sunday (rather reluctantly). Yesterday, once I hit the gym... hohoho. I was so happy to be moving I almost didn't want to get back to the stillness of sitting down with my notes. Oh, my triceps have grown stronger- I discovered I can lift more weight now without that much difficulty. That was a really really really surprising, and pleasant discovery. =)
I was feeling competitive on the threadmill yesterday. So I started off at Speed 9, then 10 (the normal pace I settle for)... then seeing that the rather fit looking guy next tome was running at 10.5, I upped to 10.5, then 11. hahaha. This is so mean, but I was secretly smirking at the fact that he seemed to be panting so much. (opps, forgot to check if he was doing incline, perhaps!) Then to Freddie's (the very opiniated gym instructor) disgust, I zoomed out of the gym, ran up and down the Central library slope three times before running back. When I came back, he said to this guy whom he was doing personal training with, 'Have you heard of overtraining? This woman epitomizes it.'
I know, I know, I'm mad, and I've been nagged over and over again but I just cannot resist it sometimes. These days, running gives me such immense satisfaction, even when I'm half dying sometimes. The wonderful, sweet sensation of my aching legs, eventually sitting down, feeling absolutely self indulgent, as if I have earned that right to rest at the end of it. Some days, I go to the gym to do weights first, so that I am too tired to run too much. Today, I am not going to the gym, so that I can run long, long, loooonnnnngggggggg. Can't wait. It's actually a motivation to sit down and study all the way until it's time to torture my legs!
I just found the nicest, loveliest, sweetest rendition of Dvorak's Humouresque by Yoyoma. There's this moment at 1 min 55 seconds, so sweet it almost makes me cringe.
Here's how you do it- Watch webcast, type lecture notes, while chatting on MSN, all at the same time. Possibly eating honey stars too. I am so addicted to honey stars- the tastiest stars in the universe!
MouseMouse! This is MarkMark. He was most unfortunate to have landed up on our group, and appeared on MSN while MouseMouse and I were online one night. Since then, we have traumatized him by calling him MarkMark and making him speakspeak with the correct grammarmar which basically means like thatthat in pairspairs, praised him for his purple MSN font, whined to him about essays... but he has been reMARKable about it. I think he has mastered the art of rolling his mark-y eyes while getting to know us. Today, I wanted to give him a bookMARK, but forgot to bring (pun wasn't intended, seriously). MarkMark, must come out eat dinner with us during summer break. OkayOkay? MarkMark and MouseMouse! Business History went okay. Felt like I was being incredibly general in all my answers, but oh well. I really need to find a way to grip less tightly on the pen; my finger is blistered again! Horrible memories of the A Level History paper, when I wrote til my fingers had so many blisters that I could barely write my name on my papers at the end, and the invigilator just stared impatiently. Just as I was about to leave early, it was announced that we had 15 minutes left and no one was to leave the hall. (!!!) So I made up more things about MNCs and cosmetic companies to write about.
So I celebrated the end of my first paper (and predictably, fourth last exam in my entire university life) by... heading to the gym. I think I'm becomming an exercise addict again. After some weights, I went on the threadmill. Half an hour, not enough.Ten more minutes. Not enough. So I ran out of the gym, ran past central library, to the track, back up YIH, and then for the sake of it, up the central library slope once more before I forced myself to go back to the gym. I saw people the the Central library busstop giving me the 'WTH' look. The moment I stopped and embraced the cool air of the gym, I was on such an adrenaline high that I was so tempted to jump onto the threadmill again, and settled for crunches on the gym ball instead. Ugh. I literally had to pull myself out of that place and force myself to sit down at the library with nicnic to get back to the books!
Must be exam stress! Can't wait to go home and play a bit of piano tomorrow. I miss my Grieg. Am listening to Yoyoma and the Slavonic Dances now. Nice. I've been steering clear of the German Greats lately.
To whoever would understand, I have extremely great news to share- I got through the ENTIRE reading week completely sane! No Bee, and no Pee! It's almost impossible to believe. Not even last night, or this morning, while being so stressed up over the impending paper. There've been moments of (mild) temptations, but even those were so rare. In fact, I have thought about it so LITTLE that it only just occurred to me that I have lasted the whole week!
Lately, I really do feel like I've made yet another leap forward. But we'll see.
Had a productive and freezing studying session at Guild house with NicNic today. Well, I covered loads, but somehow it didn't feel like it's going to get me very far exam wise. :S
We don't want exams :( I think I actually look young, haha. And we both have ugly teeth!
Went for a run with Jiayuan and his friend in the evening. While waiting for him, I decided to time myself up the PGP slope, thrice. And ugh. I can't believe I was THAT slow. =( I couldn't help feeling pathetic and unfit and YUCK. YUCK.
Anyway, we ran to Kent Ridge, then his friend brought us down through a new route at Science Park, and up the NUH steps.Was tempted to join them for one other flight of steps, but I convinced myself that look, I've gymmed, I've ran four slopes, 143 steps... and I'm meeting someone, and that's enough.
Sigh. Now I find myself so tempted to go back to all my daily crazy routine of slope and steps. I just like torturing my legs!
Horrors, of horrors! My fingers are trembling as I type this.
After three weeks of gym hiatus, the weights felt like... more-than-weights. I just took a break at the gym while studying at the guild house, and I was quite horrified by my malaise. It's so tempting to concentrate on running. I only like working my legs, even at the gym. My favourite is all the leg machines- leg raises, leg curls, seated leg press (my fave!)
With NicNic at guildhouse now! We have funny pictures, but back to work.
If one day, I was left all alone. I think I'd spend my days-
running and looking at trees, practising and listening to music.
I guess I'm lucky there're things I can enjoy doing alone. For I can be a very private person at times.
It was so hard to resist a long long long run today. But I did.
Running and I have had a tumultuous and stormy relationship. We're currently rekindling our passion for one another, and I find it so hard to explain why I love him so, and am able to feel so deeply for him. Certainly, he takes me to very beautiful places.
"I always loved running... it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs." Jesse Owens
I haven't exactly been the most dependable lover to piano. I treated him with scorn, often casting his love letters aside. Oh he touched my heart, but eventually, I left him so. And still, he waited, ever so patiently, appearing every now and then, when I needed someone most. I've since returned to his arms, and I don't think I'd ever leave him again.
Recently, I broke my mousey's heart, and she had to let me know. HEE MOUSE.
The problem with studying in a rush is- you're rushing. So much so that when you chance upon something that really piques your interest, that you'd really like to sit down and give some thought to, you just force yourself to rush through it. Unfortunately, without the need to study in a rush, I don't think I'd study very much at all. The ironies of life.
I made a long overdue trip to the doctor today. She looked like she couldn't believe I took two weeks to get there. And gave me certain medication, which I don't think I can bring myself to 'consume'.
Love can be difficult. As NicNic said, otherwise, we wouldn't say love is patient, love is kind, love is forgiving. It's when you realize you'd have to try to do the right thing, even when you the heart feels soft. Seeming harsh words or actions, but only because you care. But who am I to say, that I'm always right? Besides, I must have been a source of frustration myself. Love is giving, love is unconditional. I know of some, aside from my parents, who have have been pateint, kind, forgiving, giving and unconditional with me. For that, I am thankful. And I love you.
One day late, but they just came to me while running. As I suddenly told Boon, 'End of sem already! And I've been quite happy this sem.'
Yes, there's been ups, and downs, as always. But relatively speaking, compared to the last, it's been a most pleasant semester, spent in good company whom I hope to keep. I still had my struggles, but there were many other things to keep me up and going, and I must say, the second half of the semester was quite a breakthrough, if my memory doesn't fail me.
And I've been really lucky this semester in terms of project groupmates. I've had great teammates for all my projects, people who are fun to work and hang out with, which is really rare. I've had good company in every single lecture/tutorial/seminar, but I guess that's because there're two lectures which I do not attend at all! My only gripe is the digusting amount of essays. Otherwise, I have to say, I am so thankful I've emerged unscathed.
But only time and exams will tell.
Was planning to blog about my long long long satisfying run with Boon, but I think I'll just crash and let myself have the rest that my legs deserve!
After 1 round NUS and trudging up Kent Ridge Park... Always love it. The steep steep slope. One day, I'm going to make sure I can run up relatively easily. Today, I was litearlly whining out loud as I huffed and puffed up. Ugh. I know I should be so hard on myself, but I hate it when I feel so unfit. Exams are always the time to run!
I don't know what is it, but all of a sudden, I am so tempted to go back to my old, old, bad, bad ways. I've been consciously telling myself that at this point, I CANNOT, because there're just too many people I'd let down, too many things going back for me, too many things I need to do, too many things that mean so much to me, and even people who may actually need me around. But it really gets so tiring when I have to tell myself that each time, when faced with that choice. Sometimes, I suspect I might lose all the people around me, if they don't lose me first- people will tire, from putting up with such willfulness.
I used be one of those standing by, with judging eyes, a long time ago. But now I know, when you've been there, done that, it is only then you can understand it. And it is really takes so much will, irrational as it sounds to many. Even for those in the know, it's different to everyone. And so many times, I find myself contemplating falling back, far, far, far- I've been asked if I was happy then, but really, I can't remember anymore. I think I was? But it's all so unreal now, like a dream. All I know is, I became so unhappy. Sometimes, I think what I must have felt was a complete void- like I was living in my own shell, sheltered from everything, for I didn't need to think, or feel very much. As long as I played by the rules of the game, I was safe. As if nothing could burst my pretty little bubble.
Meh. It's just one of those moments I guess. When it tugs right back at you.
At other times, it leaves you all alone. Trembling at the pain at your head all the way down to your throat, gasping for breath, as you wonder how on earth you sunk that low.
I think everyone will sigh in relief with me as they read what I am about to say next...
I, LEE CHENG WEI, SOLEMNLY DECLARE THAT...
I HAVE FINISHED ALL MY ESSAYS FOR THE SEMESTER! SIX TERM PAPERS.
I am now so thankful I was never an Arts Student, though I certainly felt like one this semester. I would rate my last essay average, maybe slightly above- at least I did myself justice by producing something decent by my standards. It was about Starbucks and the influence of Big Business on modern business history and I must say, I quite enjoy it. I realized, I wrote both business history essays faster and less painlessly (but still PAINFUL) than any other essay I've written - maybe I can write if I'm interested in the topic at hand. I hope that spells some encouraging news for my thesis.
For now, I'll be happy for the rest of the night. I'm so going to regret saying this, but I am looking forward to preparing for exams. For now, it seems so much less torturous compared to what I've been through the past week. haha, my eyes are already threatening to roll themselves off their sockets.
I now have a new nick name - SillyBerry, inspired by my dear NerdyLemon. As my (excellent) dinner company wanted to join the family, I christianed them BAN-nana, Strawberry Jann and SmellyBin over our meal. Over MSN, someone requested to be MilkyTiger, and another SillyBanana. Gosh, I must be stressed to be acting like such a SillyBerry!
Lower Pierce Reservoir. I used to run here a lot when I was in JC and I plan to start again. It's a pity the sky was dimming, and my camera phone did not justice to the beauty of the reservoir. The roads and trees into Upper Pierce Reservoir, and the Reservoir itself. See the loonnngggg slope with the word AHEAD? Yes I ran up and down that, and many other slopes. Somehow, it's no longer that satisfying after I've ran up Kent Ridge Park 4 times at a go. When I move back during the holidays, I will run again, and rediscover the reservoirs. These are my favourite reservoirs in Singapore. And I think it's the perfect length to run for a day- in and out Upper Pierce, and then Lower Pierce, and then back. It'd normally be a crazy tiring distance, but the sights on the way more than take the dreary burden away, coupled with the fact that I run pretty slowly. I feel like running there now! :( Chanced across a picture of Becky on my hp awhile ago, and I still miss her. =( I can never decide if it was a good thing that she left so suddenly when I was on exchange. It was a painful thought that the day I patted her as I left, on 7th January 2007, was the last time I'd see her clumsy wagging of her tail, and cute little nose. And yet, if I were in March, I think I might have screamed at the decision of putting her to sleep at the vets, much as it was really for her own good.
Isn't she cute? She'd always be a very special dog. Even if I get another cocker spaniel, she'd never be like Becky the tomboy, so rough, so easily jealous, and so act-cool. And she always remained puppy sized, just the way I loved her. Maybe that's why I whine so much. She used to whine and whine and whine in her sleep!
Lady, my corgi, who is actually older than Becky, but survived her. When she was her young, her ears used to stand up like a fox. But blood filled them up when some vein burst and the vet had to sew it up. She recently had an operation, but she came out well and fine. Lady lives up to her name- she's so gentle, so good natured, so sweet. And yet she's one fine Lady- if she knows you're about to scold her, she either refuses to answer, or walks towards you with her head in the air, completely unfazed. She is the sweetest ever, the best, no matter what anyone may say about how she is a lazy thing that sleeps all day.
Haha. This is for the benefit of Miss Elayne Chia Pei Juan, whom I wish will appear in front of me now so that I can bitch with her. This is Ban Ban, otherwise known as Bad Ban. My dearest vice-president in Nuspe who is oh-so-nice to scold and boss around. heehee. I am so mean, no wonder I'm Worst Wei!
Today, I ran through both Upper Pierce and Lower Pierce Reservoirs, for the first time in months. I have missed them. It's amazing what a run, and beautiful sights, can do sometimes.
I started out with tears in my eyes, threatening to burst out in hurt and anger. As I ran through the slopes and trees once again, my mind cleared up. And I saw that Nic was right, there's no reason why I should be suffering alone, and doing this to myself. Besides, I've been through worst- it was a different kind of pain, but so much more painful. I didn't live through all that just to crumble at the next thing, did I? What's done is done, but time will heal. It won't go away now, but it will in time, as long as I let it.
It's back, I can feel it. That sense of peace, and calm when I'm running alone, at my own pace. Something that's a part of me, rather than a rule of the game. As I ran, I looked at the trees, and listened to the buzzing sounds of the insects... and I saw that I've been running all this while, but it has been a long time since I've truly ran for the sheer pleasure it can bring to my day. (aside from the times I run with friends, which has always been enjoyable).
It's normal for me to hate the process of writing essays (yes, I see everyone rolling their eyes at the word ESSAY appaering again). But usually, there's arainbow after the storm, and I feel a mild sense of satisfaction when I'm finally done with the tedious process. It has always been so, and I have always handed in my essays with a knowledge that it was at the bare minimum coherently organized, reflective of my personal voice, argued around a central thesis, and concluded with my favourite end-of-essay 'formula' (it has always worked- my secret!).
Today, as a Third Year student who has gone through this so many times, I finally let myself go. It was getting nowhere- hours and hours of trying to churn out something substantial, and not getting anywhere. I gave up midway, and told myself, I just want to produce something long enough to be handed in. And it adhered to none of the criteria I mentioned above.
This is really the first time I have (successfully) told myself to just LET GO of everything, expectations and all, and just get it over and done with so that I can move on with life. The time just didn't seem worth my while, or snooze time.
And it doens't feel good to know that was absolute CRAP. I would frankly fail myself for that piece of shit. Thankfully, I think Professors generally avoid failing people, so I'd say I'd give myself a C.
I can be so guilty of all the things I accuse people of doing so sometimes. This is one of them.
They say time heals, but I'm not really sure right now. As the days go by, I discover more and more pent up emotions that are practically bursting out of the seams of my heart and mind. The cacaphony of voices in my head are on the verge of overwhelming me, if I haven't already been overwhelmed with work. Comfort, then confusion, then guilt, then hurt, then pain... next it's going to be anger. I half feel it already.
On a brighter note, Ban Ban really did cheer me up over the webcam tongiht. Kept laughing when he said 'We study online togethere!' heehee.
It just won't go away. Really, all I want to do is run, and run, and run up the steepest slope yesterday. To feel like how I felt yesterday when I was gasping for breath. It's better than having to deal with the pain. It's not even Ed speaking, but me. I just want to torture my legs.
I feel like crap right now. After barely sleeping the entire night, all I've produced is 1791 words?! I could write a blog post that long in approximately twenty minutes, I swear.
Amazingly, I am not aching from yesterday's self-torturing run. I am so tempted to just throw the stupid essay aside right now and go repeat it, but I shall go for class instead (yes, the class which I'm rushing the essay for.) I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm letting myself fall into a pretty sorry state. For the past week, I just don't have any appetite, so I've been eating tom yum everyday because spicy and sour things are the only things I find palatable right now. It sends my stomach into chaos, but I've been having it anyway. Just now, I had a sandwich for breakfast and it left me feeling so nauseaus. I wanted to get something else from the canteen... I walked in, couldn't find any spicy food, and loss all appetite. And my stomach's filled with coffee, coffee and more coffee. And quite a disgusting amount of coke.
I'm going to back up right now and drag my butt to class. And hope I somehow manage to survive. I have just be informed that I have up til midnight today to get it done, and no longer.
Sorry for being so pms-y. I know I shouldn't be whining so much, but I'm so frustrated with myself.
The goods news is that at the very least, I know what I'm writing about now. The bad news is, there is still a long way to go.
Just now, when I gave up on the essay, I ran to Kent Ridge Park, ran up and down the slope 4 times, each time feeling more like I was going to puke. The moment I stopped to walk down, all the pain flooded my mind once again, and I was so tempted to run up once I reached the bottom of the hill. So I ran back to PGP, and then twice up and down the PGP slope. That was so much less stressful than essays, and all the pent up frustration and hurt I'm feeling.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. Academic essays never fail to make me feel like the biggest, stupidest loser in the whole wide world. It's not about how early I start, or how many words it has to be. It is the freaking damn long time I take to choose a topic, find the right material, develop the write thesis, the write argument.
I'm in such a foul mood now I think I'm going for a (probably very long) run. It's getting nowhere anyway.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't bother writing an Honours Thesis. Screw the First Class if its going to make me so damn miserable doing things I seriously don't enjoy.
Right now, I feel like this - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
_______________
Edit: I didn't even spell 'right' properly. That's it - I am downright STUPID.
Right now. I am going to run until my legs HURT. Maybe 5 times of Kent ridge will do the job.
For the 5th night in a row, I can barely sleep.Aside from the pressure of impending academic doom, my heart and head feel so heavy they might crash right down to my feet. I dread the day it all resurfaces and explodes in my face.
Perhaps I brought all of this upon myself, or precipitated it. I miss the days when all I saw was a heart so still, and pure. When slumber was peaceful, and unintruded.
I am going to hide under my smelly blanket for two more hours, before heading to somewhere in school at 6am to resume the essays. I refuse to be broken by pain.
Kent Ridge Park- a beautiful sight to behold after enduring the uphill run. I took this one evening last week, but I don't think I'll be going there anytime soon. Or running, for that matter. I haven't ran since Monday, and I haven't been to the gym for almost two weeks. Guilty! Hopefully I'd have some time to run up Kent Ridge Park and chill during exams. It is a special place. Days of trudging up to see the sunset, the lights from afar, and then the trees on the way down. It is the same reason why my knees hurt when I run down now. All my friends come from the zoo. I am waiting for Nicholas Rabbit to arrive, while talking to my mouse, and this is Hee Cat looking sulky before being thrown into the BIN.
I am really upset with myself. The day's events didn't go as well as I expected it to, though I don't suppose it could have gone any better though. So I'll move on and get over it. And there's two more essays to churn out by Friday... I started so early, but I am still stuck. Sometimes I think it'd be no difference if I never ever started until 24 hours before.
This evening, Kebs and I ran round the track instead, and I decided to find out how long I take to do a 2.4km run. (For the first time in three years). After huffing, and puffing, and feeling like I was going to fall over after finishing...
About 13min 15 seconds.
Well, it's quite a lot better than I expected. I was so afraid it'd be 15 or 16 minutes. If I had to take my Napfa now, it'd be comfortably within an A. But out of old habit, that voice at the back of the head is nagging me about how I used to be able to do it within 12 minutes. That I should have just sprinted the entire last round. That I have become so disgustingly, pathetically S L O W.
It makes me so tempted to start training, to prove to myself that I can possibly run it within 12 minutes once again. For what reason, I don't know. I remember the days I used to feel so oppressed by the stopwatch, for no good reason at all. And I gave up timing myself after that because it just killed the joy of running. But ugh, I've become so lousy... I feel so gross.
When I say things like that, I really do think I deserved to be slapped. It's all rubbish.
I had an immensely slack weekend. Work Done= 0. But it was a fairly good one, made of small personal victories.
Yesterday, I went back to church for the first time in a month, after letting myself be consumed with work (an excuse?). It was good to be back. During the sermon, I had a revelation- that God exists, I can't feel it sometimes, but I know it. It's all too perfect, how things fell into place even when I thought I couldn't possibly sink any lower than that. When I look at the big picture, life can be very beautiful.
Like just last week, we saw a spider spinning its web. As gross as it is, it's pretty awesome- that it knows just what to do, to spin a web so symmetrical, edges so straight. I just remembered- Robert Frost wrote about this before:
Design by Robert Frost
I found a dimpled spider, fat and white, On a white heal-all, holding up a moth Like a white piece of rigid satin cloth-- Assorted characters of death and blight Mixed ready to begin the morning right, Like the ingredients of a witches' broth-- A snow-drop spider, a flower like a froth, And dead wings carried like a paper kite.
What had that flower to do with being white, The wayside blue and innocent heal-all? What brought the kindred spider to that height, Then steered the white moth thither in the night? What but design of darkness to appall?-- If design govern in a thing so small.
The problem is - I don't know who God is, and am not convinced one could ever know for sure.
On my part, I have put an end to things. It's been so different this time. I discovered, the concept of love can be so complicated, ridiculously childish at times, but so comforting on other times.
I cannot sleep because I can't stop thinking, and thinking, and thinking. It took a year, a break, and then another half a year. That's how high the stakes are, and how much there is to lose-
Forever. It'd be like having my right arm chopped off, but feeling the pain in the heart. Too, too much.
I know I'm not going to be able to sleep, so I shall attempt to do work.
Thanks to Tongkai, my Oxford friend who recently performed Dvorak's 8th Symphony with an orchestra, I have spent the past hour listening to Dvorak's 7th & 8th symphony on youtube. And it's awesome!
And I found one of my own recordings on my hp decided to upload it. Haha.
I am trying out a new strategy- don't ruminate, and quickly move on. It helps when I realize it's absolutely pointless to mull on what's over and done with. It can only escalate. And so, I've done well for a week. That was just one small slip, and there's no reason to let it go on.
I am looking forward to lunch with my penpal Qiuyun later. We just haven't had time to sit down and talk for the longest time ever, so I'm really looking forward to it!
Last night, I went for a long run with Boon. And we talked a lot- a discussion I would say. It's always interesting to hear a different perspective...and as an observer seeing two sides of the coin, there can be two responses- to conclude one side of the coin is brighter, or to conclude that that the two sides are just different, and they could very well be two coins.
In this case, I'd go for the latter. The world is orthogonal, in the words of my quantum mortal friend.
The past few days have passed nicely, the way I envison my ideal days to be. To work conscientiously in the day, then have an hour or so for a run and slacking, an enjoyable dinner with friends etc.
I know, I can be an incredibly boring person.
I have been dwelling on stuff, though this is not exactly the best time of the semester to begin dwelling. Sometimes, I think you and I, we should just sit down and talk it through. But it's all so hard, there's too much to lose.
I sitting, look out upon, see hear, and can't decide
Yesterday, I looked a particular tree juxtaposed against the purplish sky as I stretched.
Everything can be so beautiful, even in Singapore, with its obvious lack of great scenery, or momentous architecture. Now and then, here and there, there are to see, glimpses of beauty to treasure. If only we'd be content.
I practised the piano for almost three hours at a go yesterday. Just me and the piano, in a spacious void, it can be so comforting at times. As I worked my way through my latest favourite piece, I once again saw that I'm blessed beyond measure. I've been given second chances at so many things, and more.
Risking it, and asking for a third might be much too much.
It's all very beautiful, but-
Yesterday, I had to read up a little on The Stanford Prison Experiement - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment. I was very profoundly disturbed. Naturally, for I'm always disturbed at hints that we can be so ugly. That at the end of the day, no matter how superior, we're no different from animals. I remember being so traumatized when I read Lord of the Flies. And this drama I used to watch- for the longest time, I have been very haunted by this particular episode, and last night, I realized it was a reference to The Stanford Prison Experiment.
And so, I can't decide once again.
Even when you no longer feel the same physical pain, some scars are so deep that you'd always see it, and feel that tinge of hurt. That you don't think will leave you no matter how much happiness life throws at you.
...belongs to Dvorak. I've been listening to the New World Symphony of late, and makes me want to close my eyes and sigh in awe of its beauty.
If I go to heaven (hypothetically), I think this is the music I will hear. It's sorrow and beauty combined, just like how I'd probably look back at my own life and the things I have seen.
I have just begun learning the second movement of the above mentioned Sonata, by Grieg, who is one of my favourite composers. It's a slow movement, very lyrical and pretty, very intriguing. What I'd call night music.
I realize, if you really want to learn something properly, it takes so much effort, to meticulously work out the fingering, to be anal about which notes are to be held and the timing, and to resist the temptation of just playing on after you make a mistake... until the music flows. I spent one hour today playing about three lines, determined to make it decent before I move on. It still sucks though.
One big case presentation done today. One more project submission on Wednesday. I feel so tired.
Apparantly, today is the submission date for Honours Thesis. I saw a senior's thesis, bounded into a book- thick cover, very heavy. I shall be embarking on my own thesis horror in due course, and I cannot imagine ever producing anything worthy of it's own book cover and spine. 2000 word essays already leave me in so much pain and misery.
I have taken to indulging in massages. But I am ticklish and tend to flinch a lot, so the person who massages me has to do it very precisely, at a certain spot, with variations within a certain radius from my spine. Get it right and... mmmmmmmmmmm. I want to be massaged til I fall asleep! haha!
Right now, I am just meh, meh, meh. Or is it just exhuastion from the day's work?
It's almost as if a day of being immersed in work was meant to camoflage the confusion and fear which has lately encroached into my mind. I question, and I question, but am afraid of the truth. It doesn't matter what it is- the answer would scare me anyway.
I want to hear, but I don't think I'd like what I hear. Meh, oh meh =(
And coffee- I've taken to bringing my own instant coffee in my purple bottle to class every morning. Mmmm I love the warmth, and tinge of bitter (I can't stand coffee with sugar)... soon I'll be unable to live without it again. I just love the smell of coffee!
I tried out a new way of studying today, and it seemed to work. I was really pleased with my productivity in the afternoon. Every time I felt myself nodding off, I took a 15 minute nap before going on- it seemed so much less torturous, then forcing myself to keep my eyes open and basically not getting anything done. I thus had 3 15-minute naps in 3 hours. I should try this next week and see how it goes.
It made me pleased with myself. It's been a long time since I've managed to sit down and just work, with the exception of times when I'm doing last minute work, which is pretty often. I'm really not pleased with the way I operate now- I evidently lack the motivation to just do things. I make plans, to spend my day reading, gymming, practising and working, but it never materializes. I don't know where all the time goes to. I miss the feeling of being in control of everything, but maybe that's just not my way anymore.
So yay, I was pleased with myself today. =)
Post-CFA-Appreciation night dinner with Linli and Anirban was nice. On retrospect, I regret all the Fridays when I rushed off after session, to do what, I don't even know. Definitely not work. Friday evenings should be meant for taking a breather, even if it's just sitting down for half an hour for dinner with friends. Let's hope my Honours year doesn't rob me of the simple pleasures which I have discovered lately.
This semester, I am very lucky to have two great project mates. Maybe it's because it's just a team of three, which makes things a lot more easier. It's one of the rare times I actually enjoy project meetings, and working together. My impatience is tempered, and I enjoy the company. And I can be silly self at times, and laugh. =)
Finally, after being incapacitated by the worst stomachache ever for three days, I managed a late night run around the campus today. It's only when I actually get down to running that I realize I miss the feeling of having my feet carry me, and pushing against the wind. I miss the days, but I'm just not the same anymore.
I want to feel it again- the satisfaction of running 10km, 21km... I've never been a fast runner, and am only able to really sprint when I've ran a considerably distance, with my breath accustomed to the pace. So my high comes from the last 1 or 2 kilometres, when it feels like my legs are carrying themselves. It's been a long time since I experienced that-
But I suspect, there's a latent fear. That if I run long distances again, I'd discover that I just do not have the will to do it anymore. That I have slipped so far back. And then, taking it like a personal failure.
One day I will run again, not because my enemy compels me to, but for the sake of it.
It's good to have your own opinions, but I am beginning to think I don't like opiniated people. And yes, I see the irony in me giving my opinion on opiniated people. But back to the point-
During my tutorial yesterday, a group was presenting and the girl seated to my left was obviously not very happy with their presentation. She made it plain enough, for she kept raising her hands in despair, and saying, 'what', 'that's not true', 'how can that be', 'NO' aloud. Sure, it certainly is fine to disagree, but I don't see why she needed to express it in such a condescending manner.
And after class, eager to make her opinions known, she went straight up to the presenter and said, 'How can you even say that...' I think the poor presenter was rather taken aback. Couldn't she just have said something along the lines of 'Hey, can I clarify...'
Blah. Don't know why, but I was really annoyed for most of the day.
Anyway, it was quite an enjoyable tutorials. The presentation was about huge MNCs including Wal-Mart, McDonalds and Merrill Lynch. I just enjoy reading/hearing about the stories of big companies, just so amazing how they manage to change the world, and we let them do so.
Yesterday wasn't exactly the most fortunate day of my life.
First, I was quite horrified to meet my professor at the gym. Just feels weird to see your professor pedaling furously at the stationary bike, and then saying 'you can do it!' as he sees you on the leg press machine. (Actually, I certainly could do it- used a really light weight yesterday, haha) I'm happy to keep my impression of professors being stuck in their offices with their noses burried in journals all day.
Next, while practising piano, I had a sudden stomachache. And it was so painful that I barely made it up the flight of steps to the busstop, and had to call NicNIc to give me a lift back to PGP. And I groaned for about 1 hour before I managed to get some sleep. I'm feeling much better now though, thankfully. It's been like this for two days- I hope I don't get another onslaught of sudden pain again later.
The good part- RAYMOND CAI finally came on MSN again. hahaha.
Starbucked is such an interesting read that I'd go on and on if not for work. I think I will read myself to sleep tonight. And I have the sudden urge to play the piano- I'm learning an impressionistic piece, which is really pretty. I searched it on YouTube- every rendition of it sounded significantly different. So many ways to interpret a piece. I just ... erm... play it literally, boringly. As Mr Ku says, I'm 'over zealous' with following the score.
It's really strange. I could consciously tell myself not to have any expectations - but it's always there, right there, at the back of my head. It's the human condition I think, all maybe students' condition- you'd always have this benchmark, however small it is. So, when you see that letter- you start wondering whether you're becomming a failure. All because of expectations. Sigh. Silly old me.
I just abandoned The Undercover Economist for an interesting read- Starbucked, which tells of the magic Starbucks has done and how it revolutionalized coffee and culture.
Let me quote from it -
[on the discovery of coffee beans] 'For the first time in history, humans could easily regulate their waking and working hours - all it took to lift oneself out of the fog of grogginess was a life-giving cup of coffee. Sleep, long a cruel and domineering mistress, fell under our control. As any modern cubicle dweller can confirm, coffee almost single-handedly made work possible. And centuries later, the brew would fuel the industrial revolution, especially once factory managers learned that filling workers with free coffee boosted productivity. Coffee made people feel smarter, helped them do better work, and enabled them to punch in at a consistent time every morning.'
Wow. That must have been an exxageration, for I was having my daily fix of Cafe 21 instant coffee as I read that (wait, make it my second fix)... and promptly fell asleep after that.
Nevertheless, it's an interesting read. I always marvel at how corporations manage to drive culture- think Starbucks, Apple, MacDonalds... and all things so ubiquitous you almost do not notice them.
I suspect, if Starbucks announced today that it's going to cease operations, you'd see demonstrations in the streets. Now, that's how important it is.
... and I'm stuck at CFA. For once, there is almost no one, and no cacaphony of brass and wind instruments being tuned, practised on... (no offence to their players, I highly enjoyed their concert)
As I practised in the AR, I was so sleepy I decided to take a nap. And then my junior came after me to practise, so I sat and watched for a few minutes. From what I gathered, she's a self-taught pianist. And it was heartening to see her practise, touching in a way- that there are people inspired enough to learn by themselves.
An interest straight from the heart, rather than any other game, exam, or things we do to be better.
I suppose, that's why I am always happy to see my brother practising pieces by himself practically everyday, memorizing each note as he isn't fluent with them.
So while watching, I thought to myself- if I never had piano lessons as a child, would I really bother to sit down, and learn it by myself? I recalled how I just gave up on one page of Debussy because the fingering grossed me out, and thought, 'probably not.'
It's a pity NUSPE doesn't teach piano, although so many freshmen always ask, 'So, do we get to learn how to play the piano?' It just isn't possible. But that's really something to sit on and think about.
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