meow. small and lousy I feel. meow. 

Time after time, I choose to remind myself of things. It's like a bad habit I can't kick, and in a really warped way, don't wish to. Truth is, I have forgiven, but sometimes have to forgive over and over again. Even if its just a private thought. 

I know the best way to fix it, but the means are inaccessible. Because its only the best way for me. 

I guess we are all made differently. So however hard it is for me to even understand how others can bring themselves to do things they do, I have decided to simply endure. And wait for change. After giving so much, what is it to give that little more. 

Anyway, we never know what may happen next. One of my dearest friends ever got caught in a terrorist explosion. I heard about it only when he was safe and sound, but I was still worried in an irrational, belated kind of way. The thought that you could lose something/someone any time. He told me the moment he heard the explosion, he thought of all the things he hadn't told others. 

Life can be very short, so treasure the people who had made it better. And maybe, its time to live for the moment. 

Today, someone whom I respect very much said certain things which left me feeling very disappointed and crappy. Somehow, I don't like it when I'm not being treated seriously. Surely I don't live up to expectations sometimes (or maybe very often), but I have never approached it 'for fun'. 

Nevertheless, I always value frankness, so I can't complain. It's just the way I (privately) reacted to the situation. 

I think there's one thing people generally don't know about me - probably because its not a common trait, or because I was never like that in the past - I don't mind it when people talk down to me. Not that I think it's fine to talk down to people, but I don't get angry or agitated if people talk down to me. I only have two reactions - If I believe in the ability of the person in question, and value his words, I accept it as constructive criticism that I should learn from. If I think the person in question has no right, or doesn't know what he is talking about, I simply... tell myself the person is venting his insecurities by hurling nonsense at me, maybe whine about it to a friend, and then simply put it aside.  In short, being talked down to doesn't unnerve me, or cause very much distress. Just a thought that crossed my mind today. 

Anyway, piano lesson left me feeling quite pathetic today. I was made to play something which I haven't played for some time (been learning up my new Mozart)... and it just FRUSTRATES me that I can be so darn unfamiliar with the notes, and have to be told things I have been told before. Yea, I haven't practised, but still... I have even performed that piece before a few months back. Sometimes I don't believe how terrible I can be, and it leaves me really discouraged about my playing. :( Oh well, what to do, but work harder this week, and whenever I can. I am a hoax, a Nuspe president who can't play piano!

Speaking of talking down. Sometimes I talk down to myself quite a lot (well, obvious right). And that's probably the only time when talking down really gets to me. But then again, without such 'constructive criticism', sometimes we get all complacent and never ever move forward... 

I am going crazy! I ran 12km today and I felt like I haven't exercised. Almost went another round Bishan Park but decided to draw the line at there, and do CP. So much writing!  

Slave to coffee.

I am seriously a coffee addict. I need my morning dose, and if there wasn't strong enough, probably another dose by 3pm. Today, before piano lesson, I found myself searching for coffee at the void deck near my teacher's house. Not having enough time to drink a cup, and knowing that my teacher doesnt like it when I carry drinks into his place, I gulped down a can of coke. 

After lesson, my head felt like it was going to explode. Not having caffeine is like a reverse hangover... you feel all shitty from not consuming something. Sigh. 

And I started feeling so depressed! A short nap didn't do that, so here I am gulping down iced coffee before heading out for long run...

Yes, today is super long run day. Once a week, I go for a super long run and I make sure I run more than 10km. I don't feel like it today...but ugh, I better get my ass going. 

I've started internship at Blugrapes Pte Ltd, a marketing consultancy firm. Actually, it's probably more like a part-time job since I only work from Mon-Thu (have to teach piano on Fri!). Work's fine so far, still adapting to the ice-box of a office and feeling my way about to get a hang of the company and its work. Oh, and it's really near Linda's workplace, so I get to meet her for lunch!

Anyway, I guess work is a great way to keep myself occupied and actually do something meaningful, instead of just rotting away, feeling miserable and all. When I have things to do, especially when it involves semi-stable working hours, I once again feel in control of my whole life. Just feels so neat to always have something to do at certain times, however much of a boring routine it may be. 

I don't understand myself sometimes. I like flexibility, but I also need routine. I couldn't stand it if my boss expected me to plant my butt on a chair (the office chair is so comfy that I feel like stealing one back) every second I am in the office and do nothing but work. I like to have the option of going out for a short walk or take a break when I really need one. I'd probably be really pleased if I can watch TV during my break (haha). BUT I also CRAVE routine. I want to know I have to be somewhere, doing something, at certain times of the day, without fail. It just makes me feel safer, like I wouldn't screw up somewhere along the way. I guess, even if I took breaks, I'd probably end up taking them at fixed timings. 

I am very weird. And I am beginning to understand why Kim likes Bree. She is so... perfectly organized, always calm, forever in control of things. So... cool, and full of grace even in the worst situations. And she speaks in such a perfect way.  So clean, so tidy. She is Madam Perfect! 

Me? I'm a Bree wannabe. Little Miss Perfect Wannabe. haha. I always SWEAR I'd keep my room clean and tidy, but never fail to abuse it. And about once in 2-3 weeks, I go, 'OH SHIT. I have lost control of my room once again and I cannot stand looking at it in this state another second' and go on a massive spring cleaning to put everything in order. Yesterday, I was seriously anal-ing over my room and I think Boon Hui was so amused staring at me. 

By the way, I didn't swear to keep the room perfect again because I know myself. I am not Bree, I am only Bree once in 2-3 weeks. 

Anyway, I am looking for a partner. To be precise, a RUNNING PARTNER. 

Criteria: 

-Can run 5km in <30minutes>

-Can run non-stop for at least 12km 

-Ideally lives in PGP, Thomson, or willing to relocate 

-Willing to run practically everyday.

-Able to drag me to run on my 'Today, exercise is my enemy days' (Yes, I DO get those days. I have a love-hate relationship with exercise). 

Send in resumes right here, on my tagboard. 

I decided to push myself a bit while running. While running with Boon Hui yesterday, I discovered how slack I've been. I'd go the distance, but at a pace so slow I'd probably see snails crawling by if I looked at the ground. I was almost (almost, not yet!) out of breath running with Boon. Today, I decided to time myself, and it took me nearly 27 minutes to do 1 round NUS. Not too bad, but time to get faster! 

Since I was too lazy to run another round, I headed to the gym and then... I don't know what in the world made me decide to do a 10 minute run on the treadmill, incline =5, speed = 9.5km/hour. OMG it was the most TIRING 10 minute run EVER. I always prided myself for liking to run up slopes, but ten minutes of incline non-stop felt like forever. I think its time I do this 10 minute thing at the gym now and then, good training for endurance! 

Today was one of those the-longer-i-am-in-the-gym, the-more-i-want-to-stay days. After treadmill, I decided to lift a bit of weights, despite having already worked out in the morning. And seriously, I just wished I could go on and on, and work out til I am aching so bad I can't walk or something. But I forced myself out soon enough so that I could do work. Actually, I think this I-want-to-exercise-til-i-drop-dead syndrome comes when there's loads of work to be done. After all, exercise is more fun than the sch work and work-work waiting back in my room. 

I make myself sound so busy, but actually, I've been playing Scrabble with Anirban (it's my favourite game, ever!) and watching Sex and the City through dinner. Speaking of Sex and the City, I LOVE charlotte.... she is so... perfect like Bree! 

What we want sometimes, we cannot have. Can't force it, can't rush it, can't change it. And so what can I do, but accept, and still myself a bit.

Maybe no amount of time can heal this situation we're in, or where I brought myself to, however much it means to me. I can only hope, otherwise accept.

So, from now on, this burden is mine. All of it.

I now see myself in a very different light. I gain my validation from the world around me. Where else? When the never-perfect girl in me can never provide any assurance. 

And when everything just seems to be going the other way, it just seems like its time to chase the perfect life. The illusion that, at its most illusive, looks like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

I have an interesting job now. Time to work hard. Internship, CP, Thesis... time to get my engine running. I cannot imagine. Especially because- 

The gym, running, and piano are all also part of that perfect life. 

Today was my 'long run' day but I had a stomachache, and was too moody to run. I MUST do the long run, or at least do the gym/run tomorrow. Otherwise, once I stop, it's so hard to jump back into that wonderful routine I do to keep my cool! I've stopped before- the last major break being summer vacation. No more. Never will I ever let myself stop for any extended period unless injury/age/circumstances force me to. UGH I feel so GUILTY for not running today. 

Now I know, I'll be all edgy and dying to run when I'm in the office tomorrow. Just like how I was running over the weekend, but itching for Monday morning to come so that I can dash straight into the gym. I just can never sit still when I break my routine, it's crazy!  

Sometimes, I treasure my friends so much because they remind me to laugh. This is Ban Ban's interpretation of Lipstick Jungle! Which, by the way, is a DAMN cool show about 3 powerful women (yes, its the age of women!). The coolest part? It's set in New York City, the land of all glamour, pain and ice. I watch it and go, 'Hey I've been there!', 'Oh I walked there!', 'Oooo I I missed that place!' 

Man, I do miss New York City. Are we ever happy where we are? I remember the days of missing my friends so darn much while I was there. But also, the days when I just... felt so blessed to be in NYC! So, the best thing to do is teleport my whole life there, including all my friends. 

Now, onward to the next NYC show- Sex and the City! 

I just have to rant one more time - SHIT, why didn't I exercise today! Now I feel SO UGH. 

I am a (stupid) perfectionist who can never get things perfect, but is always trying to be more perfectionistic than ever. 

Is it wrong to strive to be perfect?

Save me from this wreck. 

I HATE HAVING TO USE MY BRAINS. Using my brains makes me feel stupid.

Dear Sooty

As promised, I will blog about you. haha. 

Thank-you for burning the DVD for me. I am so happy that the files are so organized, and the tracks are titled properly. It is much better than downloading messy tracks myself. I look forward to hours of pleasurable music by Joni Mitchell, Brahms, Damien Rice, Julie Andrews, Soler (hoho), Gustav Holst, Grieg and someting-Hancock. I'm sure it will provide me comfort as I (finally) embark on the depressing task of developing a thesis, in order to graduate. 

I am very touched. You took the trouble to painstakingly dig up your MP3s and organize them into folders, rename them into proper titles, and transfer them into a DVD. I also know I am imagining that you did all those. 

You are truly the best partner on Jupiter and Mars. If you let me win you in Scrabble, I might promote you to be best in Saturn too. Best on earth is your ultimate goal, and definitely, the most challenging.

Thank-you very much. 

Yours Empress-ly,

Partner 

PS: Judging from my tagboard, you have many competitors who wish to be blogged about too. Count yourself blessed by my grace in bending to your wishes. 

______________________________________________

Today is a work-day. I did my CP report from morning til night, save for a (long) run and gym session in between. I like the days when I feel like I can focus, and today was one of those days. Except, except, except- I just have to bitch. I hate editing reports, especially when there are a gazillion tables/figures to align, add captions to and standardize. Gawd, such anal, boring, mundane tasks. No wonder I had to watch desperate housewives in between. 

Wait, that means I didn't do that much work after all. =(

Good Old Music

And I mean really OLD music. Thanks to my dearest secretary Sherilyn, I discovered that the NUS library has an electronic music database (Naxos) and you can listen to many cd's online! So, I started listening to classical music all day. Started with Mozart's K 442 (Sonata in F Major), which I'm in the midst of learning and am falling in love with... and then other Mozart Sonatas. I haven't really listened to classical music (literally, music from the classical era) for a really long time, and I almost forgot how soothing it could be. On a superficial listening, I delight in their simplicity and sense of regularity... but if one listens with more care, they can be very complex indeed. I guess, such is the genius of the classical greats - putting together a variety of ideas into notes, in such a logical fashion. 

Right now, I'm listening to the second movement of Beethoven's Pathetique. Here's a good recording by Glenn Gould. What can I say, it is absolutely beautiful. So calm, so peaceful. But so melancholic, so troubled. Using a modern term, it could be so emo. 

I Finally Succumbed...

...and bought myself a watch which measures the distance I run! Just tested it out with a 12km run and it is rather accurate. Yay. No longer have to juggle so much with my paranoid self... of weird thoughts like 'I can't possibly have run this much'. Then again, paranoia made me decide I should always subtract about 200m from the distance the watch records just to avoid overestimation, haha! Time to run my soul heart out, wear my socks out, sweat my angst out! 

Anyway, as usual, Sooty complained I did not blog about him... so here goes-We made some plans to do something to make up for the concert we didn't watch because he had essays and what-nots, but...

Sooty fell sick...

and then I fell sick...

But we both recovered, so we watched Brideshead Revisited. It's a really intense show, with a very chilly, equally intense type of theme song. Anyway, I wanted to watch it because I did a project on this during my Movie Marketing Course when I was on exchange. It's quite exciting to see it really on screen... since I got a preview of the script doing the project, way before it was filmed (our lecturer was from Miramax Studios, so he gives us real scripts to work on.) The show's not something I'd typically watch- the serious, deep, thought provoking type. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. It was surprisingly interesting, about catholism, homosexuality... in a very subtle, but provocative kind of way. (You know, when you come out of the theatre,you are  wondering where you should stand on all these.) Serious stuff is good now and then. 

Back to Sooty. We've started challenging each other with Scrabble. Unfortunately, I have only won one game so far. =( He keeps pretending to be nice by giving me opportunities to use the triple word spaces...while saving up stuff to bomb me with his 7-letter show downs. 

And instead of practising Jupiter on Friday... we watched House. That's not the special part... we watched HOUSE IN CFA, with the projector (All Nuspe readers, pretend you never saw this.) Yep, there're pictures, but they're still in my hp, and way too criminal for public display. So, there we were, watching House, and eating Nissin Tom Yum cup noodles. 

House doesn't go too well with food though. Some parts are nauseating. Made me feel like I need to go do a full, no short-cuts, whole body check up, just to make sure I have no tapeworms in my brain, or remnants of diseases from my baby days of something. 

I have to start working hard. I dont' have exams... but my consulting practicum is fast on its way to rotting... AND my thesis, is non-existent. 

More running

Sometimes, I get such a high from running that I have to blog about it.

Today, it was raining, so I grudgingly decided to trudge on the treadmill. It turned out rather satisfying, as I comfortably clocked 5km in about 28 minutes. I was so satisfied with myself! 10km/hour, 10.5km/hour, 11km/hour, 11.3km/hour... felt so good to be pressing the 'increase' button without getting breathless. 

I wonder if I am presently capable of doing a whole 10km under an hour. The last time I did it was 1.5 years ago and I remember sensations of exploding lungs while dashing to the finishing line. 

Anyway, I was on such a high from the easy 5km today that I was so tempted to do another 5. Unfortunately, work beckoned. 

I no longer like running on flat ground. Running on the threadmill is not only boring, but is akin to running on completely flat ground. And it makes me feel like my legs haven't moved an inch. That's why I love running outside, round NUS... to feel the short moments of breathlessness and the stretch of the muscles in my legs as I climb uphill. 

I love, I love, I love running til I'm high. 

Did I mention, it rained yesterday and I ran 2 rounds NUS in the aftermath of it. The first round was kind of grueling because I was tired, but by the second round, I was high on endorphins! 

Keep Running

Run, run, keep running,

Having begun I keep going,

Stopping is not an option. 

Pain fades with patience. 

Run, run, for my life,

With endophins I feel alive. 

Nowhere but ahead I keep my eye, 

Cars are passing and I-

Run, run, to avoid. 

That path destroyed.

The spirit seemingly dead,

But needs to trudge ahead.

Run, run, keep running,

Made to begin I must keep going.

Stopping is not an option, 

Pain is unkind, but love has patience. 

I've always tried my best to treat those around me objectively, and so I accept most flaws. I try not to judge. Tales of infidelity, cheating, bitchiness, lies, dishonesty-we're all only human, and so there was always something else to throw these aside. For what is love, if isn't forgiving, understanding. But selfishness- its a bit different. Because it hurts, when its used against you. 

What can I say, except that I've accepted it. With much struggle, because I too, am selfish. We all are. 

There're so many things I wish to say, but cannot. Out of fear, and acceptance. 

This morning, I looked into the mirror, and I see the part I had to play in all of these. All those times.  Even though I don't like it very much-

I cannot go on, because there're things in this day to look forward to, and I don't want to ruin them. 

Today, I finally got my arse going and ran for the first time since Tuesday. (gripe: I JUST CANNOT STAND NOT EXERCISING)  And yay, I ran for the longest distance in a long long time... 

In and out Upper Pierce Reservoir (6km?)

Upper Pierce to Bishan Park (1km?)

1 round Bishan Park (3.3km)

I no longer can run crazily, but it really feels good to go the distance sometimes! And as usual, running makes me feel like life is in control, as usual. (And it was been VERY out of control).  RARR I wish I had the time and energy to run so much everyday! Anyway, the sky was a very beautiful shade of purple today. 

Today, something really amusing happened to me during piano lesson, for both myself and my piano teacher, in different ways. Here's what happened- 

Me: *Drop pencil into teacher's piano, panicked because I thought I was going to get scolded* 

Mr Ku: Don't worry. *Reaches to take pencil out*

Me: Scared you scold me because CFA scold us for dropping pencil in key. 

Mr Ku: I found that really entertaining.

Me: What?

Mr Ku: You had that split second of panic on your face. Rare classic moment. I thought you're always really calm and cool.

Me: hurhur *thinks of all the irony*

Mr Ku: I like it when I discover my students' vulnerabilities. Shows that they are not perfect.

Me: No one is perfect.

Mr Ku: But many people act as if they were. 

What amused me so much (and I'm still kind of tickled til now), is that he thought I am usually calm and cool. Omg, I would never associate myself with calm! I think I panic more easily then most. 

Well, on second thought, maybe I don't appear like I panic because I usually just keep it in. While I'm having visions of my heart popping out of my mouth in my head. (wow, I mentioned three body parts in one sentence.) 

Life this entire semester has been crazy. When I peer down into myself, I see my disordered self, my disordered habits, my disordered brain, and disordered life. And then, I wonder whether I should laugh, or cry. Because I have absolutely no idea how I managed to get to where I am, getting the things I get, doing the things I do, and losing the things I lose. Honestly, I have no idea what I have done to deserve all the good things and bad things in my life. 

And it's funny how life gets so much more disordered because I try so hard to arrange it neatly. 

 

I AM ACHING. AND ACHING from badminton. My arms are so painful I know I can't play piano. And my back is so painful that I had to squat down with my back straight just to throw something in the dustbin today, with Winston laughing at me. 

And. I have not ran in two days. Have not gymmed in two days. Have not swam in three days! AHHHH

And I spent the past two days at night doing nothing but writing, and writing AND WRITING my consulting practicum report. I cannot see the word Caltex for at least 48 hours. I would simply just go nuts. 

Freaking out!

The Orderly Life

Life the past two days have been rather good. My definition of the good life is when everything feels in order, and tha was the case on Monday, and yesterday. I like it when I feel in control of everything. 

So, yesterday was filled with work, and then gym/running, and then work and TV at night. Just like that, and it makes me feel calm! As if everything I need to do is at the tip of my fingers, ready to be done, without interference of messy things. 

Goodness, I sound psycho. Isn't anyone else like that? I just like to lead my life without interruptions. Except there are usually interruptions, haha. 

Like DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. AHHHHHHH, I've lagged behind so much, and I just discovered you can watch it on www.videostic.com, and ever since, I can hear DH calling my name as I study. I've been watching two episodes a day! 

Oh, life is not THAT orderly. I've been really absentminded and careless lately, which leaves me feeling so frustrated at my own stupidity! Okay, maybe not stupidity, sheer careless-ity! On Wednesday night, I discovered that I keyed in some of my survey results wrongly into SPSS (our data analysis software), causing my teammate to redo the analysis again.

And then, yesterday, I lost my hostel key. I think I accidentaly threw it into the dustbin. And while panicking over it, I lost my cool slightly with a friend. =( It's horrible, the latter. I rarely lose my cool at people until they seriously get on my nerves... and my poor friend didn't really do anything much. =( This is a learning lesson- our circumstances shouldn't be imposed on others. 

Kind of ironic, since I told the same thing to a friend who lost his temper lately. Oh well, we keep learning I guess. 

I like playing with photoshop, especially when I should be doing everything else but playing with photoshop. I am a horrible friend who forgot to wish Linda Happy Birthday, despite actually remembering her birthday by heart. And I decided to make her a card, lol. I think it's quite nice (hope she thinks so too), though admittedly, it could have been much more perfect (i.e. pink wordscoloured nicely, resolution of each layer consistent) if I had 2 more hours to do it. 

Oh, and soon after that it was Ray's birthday, so I decided to make just one more...this one was quite different. Had a hard time figuring out how to best blend in the sunset picture. 

Anyway, I recently had a new revelation. Photoshop gives you all the tools to play around with pictures but do funky stuff, but its your creativity (and brains, haha) that is the key to figuring out how to use these in combination. I'm sure different people can achieve the same effects in different ways! I find it quite interesting. It's a problem solving process: 

1. Think of the problem (e.g. I need to make the colours of this picture nicer, and blend it with another picture)

2. Think of the tools you can use (e.g. curves, contrast, filter, smudge- this is so noob, haha, blur)

3. Think of how best to use them in combination, in the right order, to achieve the right effect. (This takes practice, and sometimes, a bit of thinking!)

4. For the hardcore photoshoppers: Ask yourself how you could have achieved the same effect in a faster way.

I'm sure really experienced people just know what to do, lol. 

CCF and his prize!

haha, I've a prize (no money), which I got because Kebs helped to nominate me a few months ago. I didn't manage to attend the prize giving ceremony because I had something important to do for Nuspe session...

But anyway, what makes me happiest about this prize is that Dr Helen Chai, one of the Assistant Deans of Business School, received it on my behalf at the ceremony. I am really very honoured to have Dr Chai represent me. She is really one of the most wonderful, supportive persons at Business, to myself as well as other students. I'm always amazed by her dedication to her job. Actually, I discovered Helen nominated me for the same award, but they rejected hers...haha. 

So, I stopped by her office to get the prize today, and she chatted with me awhile, telling more more about options I may consider should I choose to pursue a career in the arts industry. 

And Helen is so cute and sweet. She collected a copy of the programme, and the door gift for me! haha. Don't know why that amused me so much. That's why CCF is so happy... hahaha. 

haha, last night was webcam night. Here's the attempt to take a picture with NicNic on webcam. There I am at the corner. Nic's room is messier than mine! 

Anyway, it's Raymond's birthday today, so we had lunch together. I'm trying to make it a point to have lunch with my dear bro once a week. Really miss the times when we hung out loads in PGP. 

AND I forgot to wish Linda Happy Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL. Hopefully we get to meet up. I'll call. Oh yea, I'll be starting internship near your office!

Time to get back to work in the biz library. Photoshop seems so damn fun when I'm busy.

Jiayuan and I

Life in Disarray

Lately, my life has been in disarray, despite me tidying up my entire PGP hole at the start of the week, telling myself I need to treat myself well. 

I am really horrible. I can take care of anyone, anything, except myself. I am a walking irony, an epitomy of extremism, a living, breathing oxymoron. 

Let's see, I exercise out of this irrational need to feel fit (which I rarely ever feel), but I'm not particularly mindful of my health. Time and time again, I tell myself to watch the toxins I throw into my mouth, and think of the consequences, but I don't. I'm seriously addicted to caffeine, and started consuming (very expensive) sugar free red bull to up the caffeine in my brain instantly. This week, I resisted and stuck to coffee. But today, I gave in and drunk Red Bull on the way to piano class. Why? Because I was feeling depressed, and lousy. And I believe caffeine makes me happy. 

Interestingly, Ray once pointed out that caffeine works well due to a placebo effect...interesting thought. Highly possible, since I immediately think I'm happier once I've drowned myself in caffeine. 

On top of that, I lived on cup noodles for almost three weeks. And no matter how many times I tell myself to stop eating biscuits and cereals, I still do, because I am so sick of PGP's disgusting food. My room is often a mess, clothes all over, notes etc. (not now since I just tidied it, swearing to be SO TIDY for the umpteenth time of my life). 

All these suggest I'm a completely wayward, dishevelled person - certainly not traits of a perfectionist. And yet, I can be so damn perfectionistic in other areas of my life that it kills me. Truth is, I'm all, or else, I'm nothing. With something, I want them perfect. With the rest, I just can't bring myself to take the effort. 

My life is a clutter now, despite the spruced up room. Rather, my emotions, the thoughts in my head, the work... my exercise routine has been disrupted by illness. And I HATE it when my routines are interrupted. I am consumed by guilt and the irrational part of me things I have degenerated into an unfit, limpy piece of thing. 

I'm trying so hard to remind myself to treat myself well. (Chants: My body, my soul, my mind, are my temples) I seriously need to stop all else I'd be hated down the path of self-destruction again. I feel like a bomb ticking ever so slowly, but surely to explode some day. 

I suddenly miss NicNic. If I could, I'd give him a great big hug. And seek some solace in our crazy ways. And I know we will understand- we and our extreme ways. We're seemingly different, but fundamentally the same. We just practice extremism on different things. 

Hoho, I've just invented the new school of thought - the school of extremism. Only for the craziest, most destructive people. 

I pray for strength to stand up and start decluttering again. I pray for my dearest friend, who needs comfort.