Demoralized

Sometimes, I get so demoralized. Actually, so very often, I get demoralized with the piano. =(

I practise, and put in my best effort. Though I've to admit, sometimes, I do get so tired, I just play and play, rather than practice. But don't we all do that? I do everything the man says - I learnt to discipline myself to do localized practising, focus on fingering, work on small phrases, and used the metronome so much that I no longer find it's beeping an annoyance. Now that it's the summer holidays, I put in extra hours at it, waking up at 6:30am to do it before work, cutting down socializing/internet/TV time to practise. Now and then, I do see some results, but I feel like I'm still falling short. Either I am that impatient, or the results are just not proportionate to what I believe I have put in.

Every Sunday, much as I awe at how much the man has to say, I despair at my incompetence. There's always more to mark, changes to make... and I wonder if he gets frustrated that I don't manage to change on the spot. Today, I got so impatient with myself for not being able to correct a mistake after a few tries, I almost banged the piano, right on the spot, as I sometimes do when I'm alone, just to let out the frustration. Now and then, he demonstrates certain passages, and when he plays, it's just different.

My mum always asks, 'You practice, but do you have the talent?' On the occassions I do get demoralized, I wonder if I really suck after all, and am stupid not to give up, and stubbornly believe that I can get there with patience and hard work. Then again, what does 'getting there' really mean? I'm not going to be a professional musician, or a reknowned performer - I just want to be much better than what I am. Competent enough, whatever that really means.

I told my mum, I'm discouraged, just to whine a bit. She thinks I shouldn't spend that much time- that I haven't reached a 'level' where I am good enough to spend 8 hours a day practising. But if I don't put in the time (and no, of course I don't spend 8 hours a day on it!), when will I reach there? She says I shouldn't make my piano the priority of my life, that it's no good to focus on just one thing - she's been critical lately, that I go to the piano room the moment I'm free at home, or that I tell her sometimes I just make sacrifices to do it, like going out less. She's doesn't understand the value it serves me, but I guess, it's not her fault since I don't tell her -

Unfortunate as it may be, I might be quite lost without it. In the moments when I feel like I've nothing to go on for, there's always the comforting thought if all else is gone, I am that fortunate still, for I like to play the piano, and have the chance to learn it again. Of course there're the people I'd do it for - but the difference is, music, I'd do it, for myself. Which makes it that important to me. I don't think my mum will ever understand and I guess, she would say it's really self centered of me. Actually, I do agree, to some extent.

I guess, I just have to keep going, after this rant. (Today's just one of those days I feel so damn demoralized, but I'll rise above it.) After all, those amazing people, gifted as they may be, I'm sure they got where they were with hardwork too. Nothing comes for free. I can't possibly be throwing my hands up after merely six months, just because it's 'too difficult'. I've committed myself, and so I'll do it. In fact, I've also committed to pay for it myself, and so I will work towards doing so. Hopefully I find some students to teach soon.

With regards to other things, it may seem hypocritical when I say that hard work, effort and attitude counts. I've been told that I'm there in my ivory tower, and it's easy to preach, when I don't know how it really feels like. With the piano, I think I do know, and I can live it out - it really teaches me to be humble, put aside my prideful and defensive nature, keep trying, and believing in hard work. (Though I think I guess I haven't worked hard enough yet - Mr Ku always says I can afford to add some structure to my practice.)

So NicNic, believe me when I say, I feel your pain. In a different way, but... I struggle too. And I learn from your spirit.

________________________________________________

On a happier note, I headed all the way down Expo to meet AddRound (Jiayuan) for the warehouse book sale today. I spent $31 on about six books. There were so many books that I felt giddy just looking through them, and we got so tired (and cold) that we went for dinner, and the John Little Expo sale after awhile. New bras! Which AddRound wasn't embarrassed carrying, haha. A pity NicNic couldn't come along to give his expert opinions.

It was a good evening I guess. I like hanging out with AddRound. It's always very relaxing, in a comfortable, easy way, which makes me put most of my self consciousness aside. Think this would be one of the last times we get to hang before he heads off to Sweden for a year. =(

Now to read my books.

And I NEED TO SAVE MONEY. Someone grant me the will.

I want to go to Sydney...

...to visit Christian =). It was his last day in Singapore today, and we spent an hour or so having organic fruit juice together at Novena Square, before heading to his aunt's place nearby. I really regret not having more time to spend with him, and I really do want to go to Sydney to see him. As I told him, looking forward to meeting people does make a place more worth visiting. Sydney anyone? As I told him, I had my fears about seeing him again, but I'm so glad I rose above them... what silly fears to stand in the way of catching up with my NYC buddy. It's just a nice feeling, ain't it? To know that you didn't leave New York to dissolve into your own lives, never to hear from anyone ever again. I didn't make that many friends, but I did meet Christian! And I forgot to tell him that his complexion looks really good, I just discovered today. So fair, rosy and clear, the girl in me is jealous.

I did manage to catch up with my dear brother Ray too. And it was all good.

The only horrible thing about today? I barely practised. Well, I did, but the first half was a waste of time because I wasn't concentrating, and the second half... good, except the heat made me so sleepy that I went to nap instead. =(

Oooo, this deserves a mention- inspired by GOH JIA YUAN, I swam today - first time in two years I think! I don't think I enjoy swimming as much as running. It's probably something I'd do once a week, just to get a tan. Besides that, the best thing about swimming is the moment you jump into the cool water to escape the scorching hot sun!

Not again

I CANNOT SLEEP, AGAIN.

Sometimes, my mind just refuses to let itself rest. It wanders, and wanders, and holds on to old thoughts, clinging on to them, for no good reason except to keep thinking.

Always, and always, and over and over again. I half suspect I don't stop thinking because I don't want to let go, and I hold on to a tiny shred of hope that the past did have some good after all. Sigh, otherwise, it's really just a scar, forever imprinted right across my face, which I just have to leave with because it'd never fade. Every morning, I look into the mirror, and I still see it, right across, and I think, 'so gross, so gross'. I really do feel so ashamed of myself and the things that run about my head sometimes.

I hate to confess this- but it leaves me lonely. Nights when I lie down but don't sleep, or the bus rides when I just stare and ruminate, over and over again - it is the loneliest thing ever. For who can I expect to hold my hand or carry me, except myself, and what I was born with?

I wish I could be carried for awhile - maybe I wish I'll never grown up. But truth is, like it or not, I'm an adult, and can't afford to make the same mistake again.

Work ended and I have a black CCF!

Haha! That's Jiayuan taking a picture of me.

My colleagues at Futurebrand really know how to make me happy... they got me a black CCF!

I haven't decided what it should be called... possibly Brandy, to remind me of Futurebrand. But I must make sure it's an affectionate name I love - sauce? CCF Sauce? Saucey? black sesame? It might just remain black CCF.

It was a real surprise and I was giggling like a happy little girl.

NICOLE! This is the funniest girl, EVER and I love her.

All Nics are so funny TeeTee my deskmate. He and Nicole were the ones who went to buy me black CCF. Poor TeeTee has no more deskmates, and no more noisy me.
This is Smita, whose last day was yesterday because she's joining the Hong Kong office. Very funky woman.
Roxanne and I on the rooftop. I think she's really pretty and has this entirely cool, but sweet demeanour. Aha, it's obvious in this picture... I chopped off half my hair! I couldn't bear the Singapore Sun, and told my hairdresser, Fiona, to chop it all off. I am loving the feeling of being a free woman, considering cutting even more off.
Elaine from Philippines.
It's a pity I didn't see her that much because she was in the states for a vacation for three weeks. She is quite a cool person, as with many people at Futurebrand. They all seem to have very individual, interesting personalities!
Xiaohui, who just joined with TeeTee. She's from Nanyang and Hwachong too. And she's a tom yum queen like me.

I've been tired, and caught up with a social life. Extremely tiring, considering I made myself come home and sleep at 10:30pm the entire of last week. I have not ran since Monday, barely been practising because I'm so tired that I laze in bed and mumble to CCF when I wake up in the morining.

I feel like all my days deserve some mention, so I shall do the day-by-day thing which I usually scoff at-

Tuesday: Glad that I was on leave the next day, I got my colleagues (Nicole, TeeTee, Xiaohui) out for dinner with NicNic, Linda and I. I think this was the first time Linda caught a glimpse of my crappy side and was horrified by Nic and I. And Nicole made me laugh SO MUCH, that silly little girl. =) I don't know what was it, but I was really relaxed, and happy with the company. We were at Cedeles, and their bread of the day was ciabatta. Ahh, ciabatta with mushroom soup, reminds me of my New York staple.

Post dinner, NicNic and I hung about to catch up, and he dragged me to walk to PS. The dear boy, I'm going to miss him when I go to Canada. =( I'm ever amazed by how much crap we are able to exchange, while maintaining an ability to discuss more serious, heartfelt stuff. Nevertheless, we think we are getting a bit out of hand with our wackiness that we need to spend a day in the business library to recharge. In the library, we are raelly different people - very, very serious.

Wednesday: Had appointmentappointment in the morning with Evelyn and Dr Lee, before I headed to school. And... impulsively, I went to the salon because I badly wanted a hair wash (I couldn't bathe in the morning because both our bathrooms were being fixed!) AND impulsively, chopped off all my hair. My hairdresser, Fiona, is the nicest ever. I just love going to her, because she's so genuinely nice, and interested in her job - service from the heart, I'd say. She really strikes me as a kind, lively, and wonderful person.

I had loads of spare time, so I practised in the AR, chatting with NicNic on the phone in between. That was a good practise - I miss the grand pianos, much better than my upright, which is really falling apart. It was just me, in the big, empty room. My space, my practise, my mistakes for my ears only... I was almost reluctant to leave-

But I had to meet Jiayuan, who kindly accompanied me to the airport... to pick CHRISTIAN STEFANUS ALOYSIUS KURNALDI HUI up from the airport. Christian is this Indonesian-Chinese Australian dude I met on exchange, and one of the few friends I kept, besides the Singaporeans. I was so apprehensive, but it was absolutely GREAT seeing him again, felt so happy giving him a great big hug. I took him to Singapore's Best Prata at Casuarina Road (near my house), which I'm glad he enjoyed, or at least appeared to. I was really happy to catch up with Christian, have missed him and there was much to catch up on! Invited him to my house, where he got really amused by my younger photos.

Thursday: Back to work! And the day Black CCF came into my life. Smita's last day. Met Kebs for dinner, and I'm glad all went mostly fine. Took a long walk home, from Junction 8 all the way to my place. At the staircase into my estate, a guy (in army uniform - No. 4) ran down, passed me his number and said, 'Hi I'm Sam. Please sms or call me if you want to be my friend, or chat. What's your name?' I lied that I'll call, and rushed off. The Dad was super paranoid about the entire thing, haha. Funny.

Friday: Oh that's today! Last day at work, and I was busier than ever, because I was rushing to prepare for my presentation, and clear up my files to put in the central server. I actually forgot my coffee, until I discovered I was feeling sicker than ever at about 5pm.

I was glad to have a chance to do Friday sharing session, and talk about some of the things I have been working on during my internship. And even more heartened that it generated enthusiastic discussion. That's what I enjoy about Futurebrand - the surprisingly genuine interest in open discussion, and throwing ideas in the air. I was asked if I had any feedback, 'negative' ones so that they could improve - but really, I could think of absolutely nothing to say at the top of my head. It was all good. And I'll miss the people, and observing things in my own little spot.

And so, that's the end of my stint at Futurebrand Singapore. Will be heading to Futurebrand China on 2nd July.

I had a simple, but delightful evening... had dinner with WINSTON OH at Thomson Plaza. I was really glad to see him (he was off in Sweden for exchange), and happy to give him a welcome home hug. =) Seeing Winston made me realize something -

I make friends in a really strange way. I often operate by my instinct - Winston's not one of those I am THAT close to, so close that I'd talk to everyday, or share my entire life story with. (or maybe, not that close yet). We were always just business schoolmates, HnF friends, and yet - I felt genuinely happy to see him after so long, and he is one of the few friends I really treasure from Business school. I really think it's an instinctive, gut feel kinda thing - some people I meet, I just trust, and believe them to be genuinely good, sincere people. Winston's one of them. Whether he treats me as a good friend or not, I know that when I look back to my university days for fond memories years down the road, he's one of the few I'd think of, for sure.

Long post!

=)

Traffic was so smooth yesterday that I snoozed all the way home on the bus, and amazingly, reached home just shy off 7pm! When the sky was still nice and blue. Amazing eh.

After a quick dinner and indulging in some Channel 8 Drama, I headed out for a 10km run with my brother at Bishan Park. It’s one of the rare times we run together, and I really enjoyed it, talking rubbish and running. I can’t believe he still finishes 10km faster than me despite walking in between, while I go without stopping. Comfort is, I definitely can run longer than him! The weather was cool, and he told me it’s good to run with me, because he has no discipline to keep running beyond a few km. Hopefully we get to run together again soon!

When we got back, we saw my maid watching a show on Arts Central. It was quite depressing – about a man with a huge tumour on his face. It was so huge with lumps that it covered all of his face (I thought he was wearing a mask). I just googled it – it weighed (been removed, thankfully) 33 pounds. It really struck me for some reason – I think it takes a lot of courage for that man to live, and go on with life. I can imagine, many would shun him, not because they are inherently mean or they want to, but it is just a natural instinct, like how kids, or even adults might shield their face if they saw a monster on a cinema screen. My respect goes to him. Surely, in private, he must have faced a lot of distress.

And it made me so very ashamed of myself. That sometimes, I’ve this capacity to be so self absorbed that I’m always focusing on me, myself and I- and forget, I am indeed more than blessed in so many aspects.

FutureTalents Award and Upper Pierce Reservoir

This is Gavin Coombes, CEO of Futurebrand Asia Pacific
Mum and Dad, who had a fun time playing the Wii during the awards.
Nicole, my colleague (the one holding the banner on the right) made me a banner!
Meet TeeTee!
DH CheongCheong looking reflective at Upper Pierce.

It IS a beautiful place, ain't it?

Goodness, I'm really a spiteful, petty girl. Still thinking, sulking, and brooding, but trying very hard to shut it all out since I've decided to forgive, forget, and learn to trust again. I only hope the person in question does his/her part, as promised.

Everything's almost good though- I got a good nights rest, practised this morning, and I read went on reading The Golden Compass, which is getting very interesting. I want to cuddle up again, and read, drink coffee, run, play piano. I would have something to read on my flight to Beijing. That is, if I'm not snoozing away in that cramped seat.

I'm really quite discouraged by my playing. It just sux, it improves, but it still generally sux. And I'm really impatient. I've already come a long way in terms of patience in practice, and really sitting down to look at the knitty gritty details, but I know I'm still such a long way from what I need, and way too often, I just give up and play through. =( Or else I never fail to feel like, when it matters most, when I am at lesson, and should be playing my best so that I can forge ahead and learn - I play the worst, and feel really dumb. It's really so frustrating sometimes.

I just had lunch with an acquaintance who will be leaving Singapore soon. It was very interesting, he told me a lot about serving the nation, giving to society- and kept reminding me that I'll be a great woman some day. haha

If there's anything I learnt from all that has happened in the past few days, it's not to never trust, be bitter - but that some things, I must only keep to myself, because it's my burden to carry, and only mine.

I recall keeping them to myself for the longest time ever, and then, I thought I just couldn't go on with the weight of it myself. I remember the isolation, and the confusion and loneliness over wtf was I doing, time after time. And the times when they were just at the tip of my tongue, because I wanted to spill, but then held back, because I lost the guts, and couldn't imagine how anyone could comprehend, or believe what I was about to say. Walking around, alone, or else, pretending all is fine, when I was a mess inside, unsure of what was going on.

And then I broke - and it came out. I just couldn't keep it in, it was robbing me of my sanity. After that, I fought for the people who were always there to see me through.

But now, I see, it's my burden to bear. However lonely, miserable, it's mine, and for me to deal with. For others may never understand, and then tire, leave, and hurt- for I've fought for them.

From now on, only mice allowed.

I don't know what to do

I guess I'm better, considering I've finally stopped crying, and I'm actually practising. But I can't really concentrate on playing either, everything sounds like absolute crap, and I just banged the keys in frustration.

I really don't know what's best.

Upper Pierce Reservoir

It's a lovely place. Late afternoon, I sat there with CheongCheong, swinging our legs as we faced the water. The colours of the sky, were lovely. Possibly dulled by my sulks. CheongCheong tried to make me laugh with retarded jokes; when everything failed, he tried tied grass into my hair. How can I not relent and laugh?

Hahaha.

Thanks CheongCheong, Mouse, JY and Strawberry J.

I'll just have to sort it out myself and find some way to sleep. Life didn't go on today. It had better tomorrow, or I'm officially a loser with no spine.

The reservoir, I think I'll go there more. Not just to run, but sit, and seek solace.

And so, I guess,

this is it.

To you who no longer reads my blog,

At least I know the true story, though I can't see why it took that long. And it's nice to know, instead of pondering over wtf is going on.

I never thought it would come to this, but what can I do but sigh, grieve, feel hurt, waste some tears. Bitterness, spite, and anger will pass soon enough, but regret will not.

To think I put in so much effort, and treasured things so much. I thought you were always there, and I, in turn, always tried to be there. I once said I trusted you'd never hurt. I guess I was wrong about all these.

It's ironic. Something perfectly good, easily ruined. And I know not who to point the finger at. I can only say that I've tried, to salvage it, and I'm tired- tired of being upset, frustrated, and just putting up with it.

Neither did I think you'd choose not to be upfront about things.

But perhaps, the biggest lie, is me and my life, as you sometimes point out. Perhaps I'm really that horrible, or even worst. I am truly sorry, whether you know believe it or not.

I could go on and on, about how sore I am, and all the things that came to my mind as I huddled under my smelly blanket. But it's pointless, so I hold my peace.

It's been wonderful, and very disappointing to the end. The road to travel from this juncture, lies in your hands.

Love,

_____________________________________________________________

My head hurts from not sleeping the entire night, and I still can't ease my mind enough to just sleep. But pride tells me the rest of my life goes on. I will spend the afternoon reading and listening to music, then go for my run, and practise Gershwin after. (which, by the way, is going horribly).

Things in life, they really come and go, don't they?

Sidenote: This I will remember - 'pat a tat tat!' Cheong Cheong, you're HILARIOUS.

Help

It never really ends, does it? I cannot picture the end, or rather, I can picture an end, with an overwhelming sense of resignation to what fate has done, but never an end with a sense of closure, finality. That it's the past to be banished forever in the depths of long forgotten memories. Never completely free, because the horror memories itself will forever be there, haunting, and taunting.

The AHM Goal

In preparation for the Army Half Marathon, my aim for this week is to clock a good 40km. I am now at *gasp* 24.8, should be able to finish it up over the weekend. And I’ll slowly up it to 50km a week. Oh my goodness, it takes so much time and effort to run the distance of a marathon (42km) in a week, how am I ever going to succeed in running a marathon? Oh well, better concentrate on the AHM first and finishing it in under 2.5 hours.

Anyway, I had a fairly good run last night. I probably could have ran another round Bishan Park and hit 11km, except that it was late, and my good sense told me I should rest for work the next day. I was kind of struggling the first half, but managed to really push myself and breeze through the second round, and I felt so satisfied when I finished.

Unfortunately, the piano side has been horrible. Gershwin has come together, but it’s slow, and it just sounds awful in my hands. =( I’m losing motivation to practice it, but I force myself to. This morning, I practiced again, and it all sounded horrible to me. I’m starting to blame the piano and its defunct pedal, maybe I should really get a new piano regardless of the quality I manage to get for my budget.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m so lousy. Will I, ever, EVER play well. Or well enough? Or am I wasting my time, or perhaps deluding myself- it’s not a waste of time since its so enjoyable and enhances my personal wellbeing in numerous ways. I remember, on a number of occasions, I told my mum, I’m determined to work hard at it, now that I’ve picked it up seriously again, or that I have to practice so hard because I realize I am incapable of so many things, and then she always asks, ‘But do you have that talent?’ Only for the talented? I don’t know. Maybe her question holds some validity after all. It’s true that I do get discouraged now and then, probably because I tend to be highly impatient with myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t continue working hard at it.

I recorded Grieg the other day, just to get an inkling of the overall effect. OMG, it sounded like crap. I play much slower than I imagine, and it saddens me. What a lovely song, but my playing still isn’t lovely after months of practice.

Yesterday, I thought of many things on the bus, such as what I would write, if I decided to write all my friend cards, with frankness. I’d say the nicest things, the not so nice things, but who will I dare say them to? I thought, one because I fear no grudge, and just one other, because I care enough to risk it. There’d be one more, except there’s nothing un-nice to say, for now. After all, I’ve take heart that the dear thing is very self aware.

And yet, there’ve been others who have been held dear, and then turned out so disappointing. So much that its painful to know. Sometimes, I realize, you not only move on from partners and crushes, you’ve to move on from friends, girls and guys.

Glorious Times!

Yesterday was a happy day, spent in good company, filled with laughter.

I had lunch with Christina, who would be flying off to YALE to do her Masters on Friday. It was great, chatting over Tom Yum, Mango Salad, and Pad Thai, gossiping, and then musing. The both of us, in fact, all our friends, are so much older since we first met in our crazy Hwachong days – our outlooks have changed, so have our circumstances, as do all things, but I’m thankful for the friends I keep, however little time we get to catch up. And I introduced her to soya bean ice-cream, the most delicious ice-cream, ever!

After work, my colleague TT (Terry Tong!) and I had dinner at this cosy Thai restaurant along Sixth Avenue, opposite Gutherie House. That place is officially my favourite Thai eatery in Singapore for now – they had unusual dishes, and in TT’s words, ‘the flavours are strong.’ I was very satisfied with every dish, the Tom Yum, the Baby Gailan, the Chili Mussels, and the most interesting was the steamed chicken with chilli-lime sauce, tantalizing!

Post-dinner, I scurried over to Mouse’s house. It’s been a long time since I stayed over, and I’ve missed her so much. I love the way we can sit in her (purple) chairs, and just have so much to talk and laugh about. I love the way we seem to share a part of ourselves with each other- like I know her friends, she knows mine, so we talk about our friends (in a positive way, of course), as if parts of our worlds have merged. And I care about her dogs, her family… though she HATES my Lady (Hmph). We had an early night, settled into bed laughing and talking til we fell asleep. I guess the catching up didn’t end there- for I was talking a lot in my sleep (I caught myself uttering a full sentence once, but I just couldn’t help it), and Mouse kept laughing and whispering in her sleep, and once said an entire sentence out loud, except I couldn’t catch what the M(edh*) she was saying. It must be funny to watch/hear us sleep. I’ve missed her, we’ve so little mouse house time lately because I’ve been doing all the cheese-winning, but I’ve reserved Saturday night for it- Swensons Salad buffet here we scurry!

If Yuanxin sees this, I do miss you too! I do hope you have a good trip home and all, and I’ll probably see you in school? I’ve just been so busy that I haven’t really been talking to you. But I do care, and hope you’re well, sweet girl. =)

Oh, I had an interesting sight this morning as I was walking out to Sixth Avenue. Kim left at the same time to walk her three dogs, and then, as I walked out along Garlick Avenue, I saw at least 6 maids walking out with dogs (3 of them were bulldogs, yuck!)… the first thing that came to my mind was, ‘Wow. Dog Parade every morning.’ I mentioned it to TT, whom I met at the busstop and he said, ‘You do know why right?’ Of course, I had no idea, and then he replied ‘They meet to talk and walk the dogs.’ Oh yah how smart, why didn’t my silly head realize that? Nevertheless, it’s just one of those amusing sights. I remember Kim once mentioned that she quite enjoyed it when she was up early, and would see the neighbour hood waking up, and starting their hustle and bustle of going to work, market, dog walking for the day. There’s something about sights like these that just tell you, ‘Well, it’s a new day, and life goes on.’

Sponge Lemon Square Berry!

No particular significance to today's title, except that it's my MSN nick and Strawberry Jann once mentioned that it's the funniest nick ever, and she still laughs whenever she sees it. It does have a witty, playful, cute tone to it, doesn't it?

Trackback to a May entry, on the origins of 'Sponge Lemon Square Berry':

I make studying sound so fun, hurhur. Yesterday, I was so stressed that I laughed at the most stupid thing, for half an hour. It started with NicNic telling me wanted to soak up all his notes so that he could vomit it all out during exams.
Me: You can be Spongebob Squarepants!
Nic: No I don't like.
Me: Okay okay you be Patrick. I need to sponge too. I be Spongebob.
Nic: NO. I HATE PATRICK.
Me: I know! You can be spongelemon. And I'll be spongeberry. Then we can both sponge our notes.
Nic: No. You're Squareberry!
Me: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHAA. Tomorrow, you be squeeze lemon, so that everything you sponge today come out during exams.
*laugh all the way from outside of library to inside like a stark raving sane woman*

'Sponge Lemon Square Berry'- ha, it makes me smile, brings back fond memories of library days (Nic and I now believe 'library days are the best days ever), studying with purple mugs of instant coffee, laughter, and wonderful chemistry between friends who share almost the same level of extremity in serious and insane times. Good old library days.

Yesterday, I had an early night again! Fabulous. I woke up promptly by 6:20am and headed for a 7km run round Bishan Park and was dying. I was SO TIRED. The distance is not particularly long for me, especially since it's flat ground. I suspect it was my negligence to take breakfast before my runs, must remember to do so next time.

Anyway, I was impressed by the number of folks who actually get up early to exercise in the park. Healthy lifestyle. There were a bunch of joggers people with their dogs (saw two black cocker spaniels), a big group of young and old people doing taichi, elderly couples strolling... and this woman on a bicycle caught my attention. She had a huge basket behind her bike, empty - and presumably, she was on her way to the wet market to pick up groceries for the family. It just made me wonder a lot of things about her - does she do this to exercise? Because it's less tiring than walking? Because there's too much to carry up a bus? And more than anything, I was rather moved to see the things women do for their families.

I was just thinking about it during my routine post-lunch 'dozing-off-syndrome' during work yesterday, as I was alone in the glass room. I'm so tired just being an intern, and I can't imagine being a married woman with kids, having to get home from work, clean up, do the laundry, cook, maybe help the kids with homework, entertain the husband, tidy the house... this is so selfish, but WHERE IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO FIND TIME FOR MYSELF? Defnitely isn't easy being a modern family woman. I guess that's why it's nice to have a maid, but then again, sometimes people who employ maids are subject to criticism as well. The feminist in me is beginning to assert herself and tell me that it is indeed true that men have it easier. Any males with a counter please tell me, I'd like to hear!

Refreshed!

In modern times, it actualy takes discipline to sleep.

A typical scenario is as such- one reaches home, exhuasted from sitting down for a good ten hours in front of a computer at the office, and does everything else, watch TV, read, chat online, do the chores, surf the net, but rest. That's fine, but often, it drags on til way past bedtime, and the horror of sleep depivation and caffeine addiction repeats itself the next day. Why?

My reason - I want to do too many things. Dedicate myself to training for the half marathon, practising piano, and then keeping up an online social life by staying on msn til late hours. If I just rest, it always feels like I've no life- all time has gone to working, and I haven't accomplished anything outside it.

And I do know of many people who feel the exact same way. But actually, rest, is one of the best things one could do. Rest, and peaceful slumber - something we yearn for all the time, but strangely difficult to relent to when we have finally have that chance.

But yesterday, out of sheer exhuastion (it was only Monday and I was barely surviving work!), I succumbed to sleep. No, succumbed makes it sound like a bad thing - I did the sensible thing and let myself rest. I went home, took a half an hour nap, practised for 1.5 hours, and then... I WENT TO BE AT 10:30pm!

I was half convinced I wouldn't be able to fall asleep that early but everytime any thought intruded into my head, I shooed it out, and told myself 'this is not the time to be thinking about anything.' And I had a great snooze til 7am.

I feel so much better today (then again, it's only 10:40am, who knows what may come after lunch). Managed to squeeze in a run before work even. And read my book on the way to work because my head wasn't heavy from semi caffeine withdrawal and fatigue... as I sipped the iced coffee which my brother prepared for me. Nice-ness.

I have said this so many times - but I should just discipline myself to, JUST SLEEP. The plan for today, go back after work, take dinner, practise, and then hit the sack.

And personally, I felt that I practised well yesterday, even though it was just a short 1.5 hours. Probably because I let myself rest first. The Gershwin seems to be coming together, slowly, but surely.

Oh, I just received a great piece of news. A rather good friend from Business School made it into the Dean's List this semester! A semester before he graduates, his efforts have paid off, and I couldn't feel happier for him. I feel happy when people whom I believe have a good character, right attitude, and put in the effort, do well. Not that the end result, or chasing the Dean should be the primary focus, but it's nice to know that deserving people are rewarded sometimes. That's why I always hope hard for my truly deserving friends, that they do well, even better than me, that they don't get discouraged. Yay, I'm really so happy for my friend! =) =) =)

An entry made of musings

There a certain quality intrinsic to all human beings that always puzzles me.-

Pride, it’s intriguing and disturbing at the same time. Often heartening when applied to something else (national pride), and potentially destructive when it’s selfish (personal pride). In excess, it’s always irrational, unpredictable, incomprehensible (to others).

I see it everywhere, in everyone, myself included. Time and time again, I look at things, sigh, and attribute it to pride and its spiteful ways. It gets in the way of things, comes in between people, ruins otherwise perfectly wonderful people. It saddens me to see the childishness we sink to, just because of the pride we find it so hard to let go of.

It’s inescapable, so hard to temper.

I too, have fallen victim to it when I say to you, ‘there’s only so much my pride can take’. When otherwise, I’d be willing to put up with so much.

_______________________________________________________

The past weekend, I clocked a total of about 22km, almost as much as the distance I'd usually clock in a week. Hey, I think I deserve it, considering work, piano and sheer exhuastion has prevented me from exercising regularly. I woke up with my legs feeling like jelly today, but half a day later, I do feel ready to do it all over again! Army Half Marathon here I come. (But there's no more real kick in that, I want to be able to run the full one day, and time is running short since I'm already 22, soon past my prime.)

The weekend has been great, again. Barely any going out, socializing and what not. Just sheer rest, and bliss in my own world. And then piano lesson for the first time in two weeks, father's day dinner. I like, lazy, self centered life, haha.

I think I'll try to clock a few km after work later. But Gershwin comes first.

Giving Up

I am giving up. I’ve been trying, in my own little ways, probably oblivious to you, because you are one of the people in my life whom I love the most. Who I have always believed was a part of who I was, but lately, it’s been difficult to believe so. It takes two hands to clap, you know. I do have high expectations, but I am also generally tolerant, and try to see the best and people, making excuses for others, shielding them when I can. And yet, lately, I find myself so frustrated, and disappointed, time and time again- that I start wondering whether it’s time to let go. I almost don’t dare to speak of what goes on, because I never know what may come back. I’ve not been happy, I was going to spill it, as I always do, but held my tongue- I might just get more upset, with you.

I guess, people come and go, much as I rather believe otherwise. Or maybe good times, that comes, and then goes as swiftly. Maybe it’s me and the expectations I impose upon others, but it has left me sad, and that I can’t help. But you’re still special, just seemingly changed.

It’s in your hands, if its worth your while, because, I am that close to giving up.

Enough, is enough. And I guess, that applies to me as well.

You and I, the things we accuse other of- I'm beginning to think we're no different.

Productive Saturday

Everyday should be like that - productive sleeping (until noon), productive practising (6 hours), and productive running (10km).

It felt so good, running a substantial distance for the first time in ages. I took a route I usually hate - I ran 3 rounds Bishan Park, and it turned out great. I like it because the distances are marked on the running track. I've decided that I should consciously vary my running routes. Saw so many joggers, and this old Indian man who waved at every jogger, and he passed me twice! Such a nice friendly man.

I sleep so much during weekends! To my horror, I took a one hour nap in the afternoon, after practising. I wish I could sleep like that everyday.

Piano lesson tomorrow. May it be a productive Sunday!

Tired, oh tired!

Towards the later half of the week, I am always exhuasted. It's an endless cycle - I get up early to do all my stuff, drink cups after cups of coffee to stay sane and awake during work, come back and try to do my stuff (if I do not have any dinner appointments), sleep, and then the whole cycle begins. I've been so tired that my head hurts even while drinking coffee, because there's not enough caffeine to fuel my system yet. Yesterday, during lunch, I took a nap in one of the rooms at office, because I just couldn't take that throbbing pain and was nodding off.

No time, no time, no discipline, no discipline! I want to spend time practising, work, and then run, and I find I can't go all these things equally devotedly anymore. =( On Thursday night, I was trying so hard to do a mega-practise session for piano coaching the next day, but by ten thirty, I had to concede that practising just wasn't going to get me anywhere because I was mentally exhuasted. All I was doing was pressing keys, not practising.

UGH. And I haven't been able to sleep well because there's so much on my mind, especially what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do, and more to do. Someone please throw me some time/fatigue management skills. I'm in desperate need of them.

It really pisses me off that I am so tired all the time! (now off for an afternoon nap).

Whoa, even Chris(tina) said I've 'loosened up' since my Junior College days. Apparently, it was not that I was particularly uptight then, but I have loosened up now, still. Goodness, I almost don't remember what I was like.

Anyway, it was fantastic seeing Chris after a year. More than fantastic in fact, fantabulous! Nice to know you can spend an entire lazy, breezy afternoon hanging out with an old friend even if there isn't time (well, we've been lazy to take the effort too) to keep in touch regularly. And I was delighted to receive a belated birthday gift- the Happy fragrance from Clinique. Fruit and floral based, nice. I really do miss Chris, one of the most down to earth, easy going people I know.

Interesting that I've received two bottles of perfumes this birthday, since I've lately forayed into the world of scents and perfumes, although I did not really make it known to anyone. People just... bought the right thing!

Sometimes, girlfriends are the best. Girlfriends like Chris (actually, this applies to both the Chris I know). Yes, I say this in spite of the fact that people nowadays seem to be saying that I only hang out with guys. Well, admittedly I currently have more guy friends to hang out with, but it's not my fault that all ym best girlfriends went on exchange at the same time huh?

Actually, it does intrigue that in the later part of my life, I make guy friends at a faster rate than girl friends. I suppose it's a good thing that I attended a girl's school for the earlier part of my life, so I managed to make my best girl friends then, and keep them. In JC, my class had a grand total of 7 guys, so of course, I had one very good guy friends, and many girl friends. In the U, my first close friend was a guy (Ray! =p), and I made girlfriends along the way, but probably more guys that I'm in regular contact with. It just... happened that way. And I suppose only guys want to go running with me.

Strangely, I have worked well in all-female project groups, but all-male project groups have been a source of frustration. Interesting isn't it? Put too many of the same kind together, and then problems arise. Mix them, problems are usually of an origin other than gender predisposition.

But well, I have KIM! :) Though technically we didn't meet in nus!

I should leave my laptop at work from now on!



It really disciplines me. Without the distracting, evil little devil's advocate, I managed to run by the reservoir, practice and read (Golden Compass!) yesterday evening.



It's been a really long time since I've ran by lower piece reservoir, just by itself. For the longest time ever, I would only run there after running Upper Pierce- which means I could only run there when I had enough strength after all the slopes. I never ever just ran to Lower Pierce becasue I feel like I've ran if I just run up flat ground. Last night, I decided to give myself a break and ran there, where I used to go in JC, every evening, and run by the sunset. It was very dark, but very nice, the outline of the trees against the dark waters.

[Note: Above was written earlier. i have succumed to begging my mum for her laptop at home]

I think I have a new disorder - OTD, acronym for Obsessive Thought(s) Disorder. I have a million things running through my mind sometimes, which makes me prone to multi-tasking. I want to work, settle stuff FAST, and have a social life by chatting, at the same time. Worst, all the nitty gritty stuff, bit and pieces of information with regards to unfinished business which I have accumulated throughout the day remains in my head as I lie on the bed, so much so that I feel compelled to get up and blog about some things, and maybe type out an E-mail/document of instructions. Then as I think about all these, I'm already thinking about tomrorow, how I haven't slept, and I'm going to be so tired - 'oh dear, how shall I fit in my run and piano practise tomorrow? Will I have enough time and REST?' And behind all these, I'm thinking about people and their problems, people and their feelings, and basically, other people whom I have been worrying about.

So let me now do a verbal diarrhoea of things I need to get out of my system so that I may go sleep-

I think I accidentally offended a colleague today. I asked him how old he was, and discovered he was a whole 6 years older than me, but didn't seem like it at all. And I told him so, quite frankly. I realized my mistake only too late, but really, what I meant was that I've met people younger than him, but much more intimidating (in a distasteful, not respectable fashion). I just didn't know how to express it right at that moment, and neither could I find the right words to clarify, silly me!

As I was typing out an E-mail to my committee today, I realized that I'm disposed to sounding really technical, and businesslike, even though I like keeping things relaxed, and informal (while getting the work done of course!) Much as I tried to curb my 'dictation' style, it was still evident. I suppose that's what three years of Business School does to you. While running today, I even thought about whether I'm going to be the first to make use of powerpoint slide during NUSPE sessions, down to whether I can actually fit in a projector, oh my goodness! I can see looks of horror already.

Today, a good friend told me the strangest thing I ever expected to hear from a guy - 'I think girls are much stronger than guys because they have to put up with so much shit.' Or something along that lines. And I mentioned that often, women are more sensitive, and we have to deal with it, rather than impose it with others; but being sensitive also means being sensitive towards others, which doubles the effort required. And to my amusement, he didn't say I was being silly, but agreed. Wow, rare to see a guy able to perceive things from a woman's perspective. I could go on and on, but I'm going to sound like I'm lecturing all the guys in the world. I do believe all of us, guy or girl, have our own shit to deal with - I'm pretty sure if I were a guy for a week or so, I'd start missing girlhood! But given my mind's natural tendency to wander, this conversation has forced me to revisit the proposition that NicNic put forth to me- that I'm always fulfilling my 'gender predisposition' and rethink my violent protests at it.

And today, I kept coming across cats. I'm not a fan of cats, but I came across interesting cats. The first occasion was while having dinner with my colleague (ooo, I've named him TeeTee!) at a quaint little Cafe, and I spotted a cat crouched on top of the fence of the opposite shophouse. And I immediately thought of my (dear) friend, who would have loved to capture that thing with his camera, so calm and poised. And then, while jogging around my estate, I saw three cats all facing each other, standing in a triangle. I just thought they looked so interesting, as if they were having a confrontation.

Practice today was absolutely disappointing. I set aside time to play only Gershwin, but I just wasn't practising well. I moved on to other pieces which I enjoy as a break, but they all felt so wrong that I forced myself to just stop. Sigh.

This past couple of days, other than confused, I find it hard to identify my state of emotions. I'm pleased with somethings, relieved with more, and then, very unhappy with some, disappointed with others. I've some new found energy, but I've grown tired of putting up with things and people. I have been bombarding the people around me with my random crap, but I also alter between being jovial, and then completely serious and sullen. I guess it's a sign that there's too much in my head,

But the good news it, I think I'm tired enough to sleep now!

I give up...

...there's only so much my pride or patience can take.

If you want to know why, ask, and I'm ready to explain, and then hear your story.

'You must learn how to relax your face'

Haha, it's time to blog about my face. Some people who know my crappy side refuse to believe that people used to say that I appear fierce, stuck up, 'dao', unapproachable etc. It's true, for a reason.

Just this weekend, my Dad just told me 'Cheng Wei, I think you have to learn to relax your face.' In my mind, I was going 'wtf', when he said, 'When you're doing your work, you look very fierce', and what he meant became clear to me very instantly. I do know that my look of concentration can be very, very scary and intense. Personally, I was stunned by how I looked playing the piano from videos (my face basically said, 'Slap me now.') And twice lately, while my colleague was explaning something to me, she stopped and said, 'You don't agree, you're frowning.' And I had to tell her, 'No, that's just my look of focus.' And Mr Ku always tells me during lessons, 'You don't have to purse your lips while playing difficult parts.'

(Even as I'm typing this, I am aware that I do look very scary).

Once again, I feel like I've regained control over my life. Today, I managed to wake up early (finally!) for my short wake-up run, before settling down to practise a bit of piano before work. And it was a good start to the day - I've been relearning Beethoven for the longest time ever, slow work, hands separately and all... finally, I'm seeing some fruits. The piano really gives me so much sanity.

One week on, my name-doodling still persists! It's really fun.

More of NicNic

Many versions of Engsiang; settled on the concepts with the ticks.

Erwin!

Sunday = Me-Day

I think from today onwards, I shall make Sunday the stay-home day.

I'm enjoying my lonely Sunday so far. The weather is beautiful, and I spent three hours at the piano. Now, I'm reading The Golden Compass, while listening to Dvorak's Slavonic Dances, while my darling dogdog Lady is being her lazy self, lying at my feet. Once in a while, I reach down to tickle her ears which used to stand so sharp, and see her smile. She's such a sweet darling I want to give her a kiss on her nose, if only she wouldn't lick me back.

Yes, Sundays are meant for myself. When else am I going to catch up on piano, reading, exercise, and the CDs I bought?

So, don't ask me out on Sundays!

Struggle. Struggle. Struggle.



I guess, I just have to accept it, and then press on, look at the bright side of things, and believe it's not the end.



As the cliche goes, friend's are the best thing in life. With my life, that really is true. As my mum always says, I would never have survived without my friends. I do seem to meet all the best people. Who have ever so patiently put up with me, made me laugh, and gave me strength. It's a reminder that even in the darkest of times, if I can't do it for myself, I can, for all the people I love.

So, Friday evening was spent friends!

Met up with Erwin after work for Sex and the City, and both the guy himself and the movie made me laugh my brains out. Erwin, he's really a most unexpected friend. We went on Exchange together, and got along fine, but well, just didn't click right at the start. Truth to be told, there were times I wanted to strangle him and tell him to shut up with his nonsense. And yet, by a twist of fate, he has turned out to be one of the best, crappiest pals to keep. Sweet, serious, and crappy all at the same time - If I owed my silly, crappy self to one person, it's gotta be Erwin man. After all, who else could I have learnt 'heh heh' from? In fact, I think it's these random crappy shit from Erwin that taught me how to be my relaxed self in social situations.

And Sex and the City, all I can say is HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It is so, wickedly, disgustingly, bimbotically FUNNY. Just the kind of show to watch on a (thank god it's)Friday. Let go of all sensible rationality, and just indulge in sheer womenly bimbotism, idealism, materialism and rubbish. Til now, I think of 'Here, have some handmade california handroll' and laugh out loud.

Post Sex and the City, I met up with NicNic (nowadays known as CheongCheong) for a late dinner at Swensons. Another perfect way to end a relatively crappy week. We always have so much rubbish to say, so much that long queues dont' deter us- 'oh we'll just gossip the queue away!' In CheongCheong's words, 'both of us are totally unexpected', referring to the fact that we became friends (library partners) since Winston left for Sweden. I disagree- 'why not?' I said. After all, he's one of the very few people, even among very close friends, who know exactly what I mean when I say that I, too, do fall prey to expectations, that it's not easy. I dare tell him things, because I know he wouldn't judge, like so many do. Should I need to sob like a moron, I'm not afraid to call him, because he'll just make me laugh again. From Nic, I've learnt what it means to face up to things with the right attitude, to put in one's utmost, and then let go when it's time.

I have been very unhappy with myself. I just haven't been able to wake up to run, because I'm either so damn TIRED, or else I feel sick every morning. I've been falling sick for the past two weeks, sniffy nose and all, but just haven't fallen sick and gotten it over with. I swear I'll run to the reservoir later. It'll make me feel better once I get my ass up and about. I know I've a tendency to overexercise, but look, two weeks with barely any exercise is just not normal for me.

On the brighter side, I'm so thankful for the piano. When I practise, it really calms me down. Even the ticking of the metronome has become routine nowadays, ticking away 80% of my practice time. It's the satisfaction of knowing that I'm trying to get everything as precise as I possibly can. When I play, I'm alone, with my music, and suddenly, all my struggles either don't matter as much, or are worth it - it's the sense that I'm striving to get better at something I love, and that can keep me going with everything else. It's looking forward to improving (oh, but that seems so slow!), and learning more during lessons.

But as I have said, it's such a solitary pursuit.

This weekend is me-weekend. Yesterday, I slept til 12:30, woke up, and slept til 6:30. Practised, called CheongCheong, and then slept somemore til CheongCheong called me this morning. I don't think I've slept so much in ages, and it wonderfully nua! Today, I shall dedicate my time to practising piano, reading (my colleague lent me the Golden Compass, can't wait to read it!), and my run.

I really do need some alone time, and get back my motivation.

'Never be the same again'

Hopefully not.

I decided to call, to make things (feel) alright. For a customary whine, this time about me freaking out about the Beijing Office operating in Chinese (yes, Chinese powerpoints!). After all, I did say we can move forward, while I forget it quietly, and meant it.

But I hung up before you could pick up.

Clearly I haven't moved forward, and I do feel very bad. But as I waited for you to pick up, I didn't feel like talking anymore. I thought I might recall all the hurt, and disappointment. And then break down, when there's really nothing more you could do.

What's done, is done. And it was most disappointing. You once asked why I trusted you so much, and I told you that I just did, I trusted that you wouldn't hurt me. And then I realized, even the simplest of words can hurt. And I don't feel like I could trust the same way again, but I'll be trying to, because I want to.

I still love you, really. And I guess that's what makes everything hurt ten times over.

In a way, I still wonder if I have imposed to much of my own expectations against you, or others. It was after all, a very small matter, barely significant if I told myself, 'oh you're just like that', as I do sometimes. Yet I rationalized it for half a day, and I still couldn't find it in me to redeem you this time.

Forgive and forget, they say, as it comes together. I have forgiven, that was easy. But forgetting is hard.

I'd want to trust the same way again, in time to come.

I never knew

-that I had the capacity to feel so much anger. I don’t want to stay mad, but I’ve been trying to get over it the whole day, and I just am mad. So mad I want to scream and bang on the keys of the piano. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much hurt from mere words before.

It doesn’t feel nice to feel so much anger.

The sketching of friends’ names continue. I drew ‘Eng Siang’ today – seemingly challenging at first, but after a bit of doodling, I knew exactly what trait I wanted to express. I realized one thing – I could be drawing what I see in others, but sometimes, they may not be what they would like to see/present themselves as. I also started doing my sketches more systematically, in columns, grouped according to ‘concepts. Goodness, I’m really into this!

I don’t know what’s wrong with me – I KEEP WAKING UP SO LATE. Last night, I slept at 11:30, and I woke up at 8:15am this morning, when I’m supposed to leave for work by 8am! And I slept almost throughout the entire bus ride. Pig!

These days, I like existing in my own world. I read, draw, play my music and really, that’s all I want to do. When I go to sleep, I like huddling up, and hiding under my blanket. I rarely leave the office during lunch, save for a few minutes, to catch a bit of the warm sun. Really, it’s just my quirky period.

And I find myself… so edgy.

My artistic talent is blossoming! Today, I tried to draw more designs, fitting people's traits into their names. I've a few more sheets, but I shall not put them up because the person who owns the name probably doesn't want his private side revealed. This is NicNic, the one that I came up with a concept for most easily. I have a few more which I drew on the bus, shall scan them in at the office tomorrow! I discovered it takes quite a lot of discipline and open minded thinking to draw stuff- time and time again, once I start on a concept I find 'cool' or appropriate, I'd do variations of it, reluctant to try something else. Or I'd be trying to fit certain motiffs into the drawing, just because I think it's 'smart'... even though it isn't really appropriate. And it's really hard to move on from one idea once I've drawn so many of it!th

My playing really sucked today. The more I played, the worst it got. I got so fed up I turned off the metronome and played random pieces, but they all sounded like absolute crap.


I don't understand why everything seems to bleak lately.

And I miss my mouse.

Friends, laughter, and moods

There're those friends that laugh at you, with you, and then make you laugh. Time passes, and you're amazed by how much laughter you've shared.

In those short hours, you are safe.

And then there are those people whom you want to spout caustic words at sometimes, because you love and care so much, and their moods can hurt.

And then there is oneself, who never seems to be a friend to yourself. Friends and laughter, keep you going, but only for so much. And then, again, you fight alone.

In those short(er than normal) hours of folly, you aren't safe-

Fear. Insecurity. Guilt.

I really am very tired. It's really meaningless, and yet, I never ever stop. I never ever learn.

I had a sudden inspiration to do a bit of design during work today! This is a logo which I sketched out during my lunch break (after many drafts). I showed it to the designers, and they gave me some tips on how to simplify it and make it more iconic. Let's see if I can come up with something better soon! On the way back, I was sketching out names on the bus- drawing them into logos, and trying to fit it to what I perceive of them. It was really quite fun, and challenging!

Today, I played pianos worth $5000, $7500, $8000, $10 000, $12 000 and $23 000. It was quite depressing, really. I was beginning to feel a bit lousy about not being able to afford an expensive piano, but well, a certain friend has helped put some things in perspective. I will reconsider my options. I don't think I'll buy a new piano just for the sake of it, though I've been looking forward to changing my piano for a very long time.

Truth is, I have been very depressed this week. Feeling slightly better today though, after much effort and nagging!

Piano practice really does wonders sometimes - for the minutes or hours I sit there, it's just me, my piano and the metronome (yes, the metronome has now become an indispensible item)... most of the time, my mind manages to separate itself from all the whirlwind of unhappy thoughts, and the only think I'm focusing on is my fingering, the sound, the touch. It's therepeatic. Strangely, one of the things I like most about practising, is the solitude. When I'm alone with the piano, I have no fear. The indulgence of being self absorbed in my own little world, and almost justifiedly so - 'I'm practising!' sounds like a pretty good excuse to ignore everything else. I have a friend who says that pianists tend to exhibit selfish immaturity, simply by the nature of the pursuit. I do think I'm beginning to see that in myself, and have been trying to resist it, but sigh, it's not easy.

I think I need a break from the world, and some time to myself. Just for this week, I don't think I'm going to ask anyone out, unless asked- and if I say yes, it's only because I really want to. I just want to be at home, read, practise, run, and spend some time alone.

Just as I type this, BanBan is telling me he is no longer a teenager. Happy 20th Birthday Ban! You are the bestest Ban in the whole wide world. And the best working partner too, heehee.