Meet Bark!

When the world gets into my face, I say,

"HAVE A NICE DAY!"

Right. That was completely pointless, but I suddenly recalled Bon Jovi.

Apart from the fact that I was late (because I dropped a contact lens), coaching was fun yesterday. It's so insightful to hear from someone else. Now I feel more motivated to practise Poulenc.

Yesterday, on the way to Bugis, I sat in a car silently, observing. My goodness, how can anyone possibly exude so much youthful energy? So cheery, so bubbly, so genuine. And I wondered whether I had ever been like this, at any point. I keep wondering how come I've become so much more reserved, quiet. I don't suppose very many people would describe me as quiet, but I do feel very quiet.

Dinner was fine and nice and dandy, but it was one of those days, when I just wanted to get away from the crowd. So I left a bit earlier to meet a friend. We took a long walk down Orchard Road (Okay, couldn't have been that long, Orchard Road is so short), listened to panflutes on the way, and settled down at this place behind The Dubliners, where we lay down to talk, facing the blue lights reflected in the dark ceiling above. We spoke for a long time, of friends, love, life. I felt so much better, I feel so much better. I'm so grateful for a friend like that, makes NUS so much less miserable.

Hehe I just noticed that Blogger has screwed up. My words are not bold when I click bold, and are bold when I don't. Random fun fact of the day.

When coincidences become ugly

Last night, I was unsettled by something I found out. I couldn't believe it, but somehow, I could feel (not see) it coming. All through this week, and especially yesterday afternoon, I just wasn't truly at ease, and then everything crumbled. I've never experienced so many coincidences in my life, and it scares me.

And then, last night, right there and then, I could only stop what I was doing, and let it sink in. Today, I woke up with the exact same feeling as I did when I finally drifted off to sleep last night. But today, I also woke up with new resolve - that everything else will have to go on. So today I will pick up the tutorials I left lying around my desk, today I'll still go for steamboat with the Nuspe people, today I'll make up for last night's lost of time and sanity. So despite plans to wake up early for a run being ruined by not being able to sleep, I still cooked myself lunch today.

Chinese New Year is coming. I never liked it. Besides all the food (which is a far cry compared to Mooncakes anyway), it's devoid of feeling. I'm fine with every single one of my relatives, but it seems so empty when we see each other once a year, and sit there, exchange Mandarin Oranges, red packets, and then look for things to say. And you end the day feeling a bit richer, but a lot more tired, bored, sapped. I'd so much rather sit at home, and spend the day like any other ordinary day, with my real family, doing ordinary things.

Manda - let's go for Teh Bing during one of the CNY holidays ok? =) I miss Ya Kun Teh Bing, Mos Burger Teh Bing and I miss you!

I've a sudden craving for Bakerz Inn's Cheesecake! I used to love Tiramisu, but in time, I'll learn to hate it.

'As a flower, as a fire, as a hushed footfall...

... In the long forgotten snow' - Sarah Teasdale, Let it be Forgotten.

I've come to like reading poetry again lately, so strange. It always make me sit, and wonder, why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's not like I hate what I'm doing, it's a bit more than alright, but deep down, there's always this nagging feeling that there's something else you could have been doing, something else you could have possibly loved better. If I had to choose again, I wouldn't have chosen differently,so I'm just wondering ...just wondering, wandering, lonely as a cloud. (to quote Wordsworth.)

Resolutions are so hard to keep, especially when they pertain to school, sigh. But since I've resolved not to whine, I shall not, and hope with all my might that I'd feel better after a run tomorow morning. That is, if I manage to wake up.

I collected my Mp3 player today! Which means, I'll be more motivated to wake up and run! Yea, I've been trying to sleep early, wake up at 8 to run... before rushing to lessons by 10. I miss the days when I actually could run just before dinner, before it turns dark, while the weather is nice. So much nicer to look forward to a nice warm dinner while running.

I went shopping in Orchard today! Including today... that makes *mental sums in progress*... 5 new shirts in two weeks. And including last year... *higher level mental mental sums*... I've probably contributed about 3 hundred dollars to the Zara. If Zara was a country, given by my high marginal propersity to spend, I would probably have driven the Zara GDP by a multiplier effect of about 5 or 6. New shirts, new shades... but they don't make me happy. Nevertheless, I think I got to know someone better today, opened up a bit. In bleak times, one should treasuure whatever little blessing there is, so there you go, I shall conclude that today was pretty alright.

Oh yea, more cheer to add, Mark and I cleared auditions, yay, phew. I would have wound up feeling pretty guilty if we didn't. I don't know who really reads my blog (leave a comment so I know), since I'm so cryptic anyway... but to anyone, your support will be greatly appreciated. 10th March 2006, UCC theatre, 7:30 pm. =)

I really need to try harder with many things - practising Poulenc, waking up, doing tutorials, bothering to find out stuff about USP Advanced modules, double degrees and what nots (such chore), getting through school... but those won't make me happy either. I really really need to try harder at being able to recite the above poem with no qualms, try harder at being happier.

So they say, 'It's all in the mind'...

But no one ever said that it is easy.

I can't help it that I feel so ordinary, inconsequential, unspecial sometimes, but am too unspecial to undo that.
I can't help it that I wished my life was more happening, more eventful, more exciting... but when everything comes to a pass, I conclude that they are all temporary highs, deceiving, meaningless.
I can't help it that sometimes I look back on the past, knowing it can't be undone, but am scared to stop looking back.
I can't help it that sometimes I feel so alone, left behind... and adverse to company at the same time.
I can't help it that I tell myself that 'it's all in the mind', but can't help thinking that it's just one big attempt kid myself, and that the mind is always sick.
And of course, I can't help it that saying 'I can't help it' is yet another state of the mind, which I impose on myself.

Second week into school, and everything turns dreary again, monotonous... apart from the conscious, valiant attempts to tell myself everything is okay, everything is fine, everything is in the mind. On the flip side, I realized that perhaps, I do have some friends, if I let them be my friend, be a friend myself. But it feels all so pointless, when you seem to be losing it, losing one of your oldest, dearest friends, and are too sensitive, upset, petty to try to do anything about it. Then you tell yourself, 'Why should I be the one.' I feel like such a bitch sometimes, but I can't help it (so many things I can't help!) that mean, evil, horrible thoughts do run through my head. Look, that I can't help. I can tell myself to cut those thoughts once they pop out in my head, but I can't prevent them from popping out in the first place.

Sigh I feel so bad.

So Muscle and Fitness War has ended today! Though I got bored halfway through, I've to admit that it was quite an eye opener, being the first time I've actually watched a bodybuilding competition. I kind of imagined them to be a semi-catwalk thing, with big bulky guys strutting around, flexing their muscles a few times, and then sauntering off. Like models, just really scary ones. Yea, but today, I was looking at the competitors on stage, and realized that it is probably quite exhausting to stand, flex and pose on stage... most of them returned backstage pretty breathless, didn't know it was that tiring to flex your muscles, oh well. But as Kai and some others said, the most exciting part was probably the music. Much as I don't understand bodybuilders, I think they probably do deserve quite a lot of credit. Besides, it was one of the few times (almost) the entire HnF com was together, and it was nice to be able to get to talk to some people more, including Kai who kindly agreed to emcee with me. =)

Oh yea, how could I forget, I also can't help that I absolutely do not feel like starting on my tutorials. I'm probably blogging because it's better than the thought of doing tutorials. In the past, I was surrounded by incredibly capable, driven people... it could have been mutually competitive, but it didn't feel that way, and it didn't take much for me to want to work, for the sake of it. Now, everything feels so much more competitive... and yet, I don't want to do my tutorials, I'm determined to have more of a life that does not revolve around school, I want to slack, I don't feel like working too hard because I think it's not worth it even if I get a CAP of 5.0 (which of course, is never happening, never before, not in the near future, not in the distant future...) and I have actually resolved to watch more TV this semester, read more Gilmore Girls Transcripts, shop more, watch more movies, (maybe) find a part-time job... simply because I don't feel like I want to work hard and am determined to slack a lot.

And this post could have gone on and on and on in my attempt to not do my tutorial... just that I've to start reading Gilmore Girls Season 6 Transcripts.

Random Sunday Ramblings

I just spent two hours playing Poulenc... those chords are getting slightly better, but it's still not 100% perfect! Keep missing notes in between. :( But 2 hours of non-stop Poulenc is about as much as I take... I hate the feeling when you've overplayed something, and it starts to sound like complete crap... even if you play every single note accurately, it still doesn't sound nice. Oh well, shall practise again soon, hopefully. It's so difficult to find a nice piano to play on around Nus... Have to make bookings to use CFA, risk getting caught sneaking into the backstage of King Edward, or take a bus three stops down to my grandaunt's place to play on an untuned piano...

After blogging about being able to sleep better these days, I couldn't sleep last night. :( I think, sometimes I get so absorbed in doing things in the day, and it blurs the concept of 'self'... so when I finally lie down to rest at night, all the hidden thoughts awaken and I spend the next few hours oscillating between 'I need to think about this, think about that, think think think think' and 'Dont' think, don't think don't think or I'll never sleep, I need to sleep.'... and obviously the latter IS thinking in itself, so...

I've a sudden urge to go clubbing. Must have been downloading too much of 50 cent and Black Eyed Peas. Oh well. As mentioned previously, Thursday are 8 Hour Lecture days, so I guess Clubbing on Wed nights are out. And I'd hate to have to pay to spend three to four hours breathing in second-hand smoke.

Philip just informed me that we've sold 300+ tickets for Muscle War. That's...amazing. I'm amused by the number of people who're willing to watch semi-naked guys show off their muscles. Eww. But I'm strangely looking forward to it... after all, we've all been working on it for so long and well, it's time to see what bodybuilding competitions are actually like... and time for it to end.

Monday tomorrow. :( School's bound to be more hectic this week, but I shall not whine (for now). And I've to travel all the way back to Pee Gee Pee later. I really hate travelling up and down... it's when I'm sitting there alone on long bus rides when I feel most lonely, unhappy... it is when I start recalling memories of the past, and start wondering, what was, what could have been, what has become of me. Oh no, this sounds to bleak, shall go off to revise German now.

One week into school...

... and well, it's been pretty good so far... pretty good, because I've been keeping that resolution to have a better attitue so far... pretty good, even if it's only because I wasn't really in school for most of the first week. :)

Anyway, this blog is about 1.5 months old... and guess what? I'm thinking of suspending/deleting it sometime. I started blogging to entertain myself when I can't sleep...and for one, I'm actually sleeping better now...and mostly, I find that I can't say anything very real here. Anything I really want to say, I'm not really ready to publish it here for the scrutiny of the whole world. Some people write prettily on their blogs, and I don't really like my blog enough to put much effort into writing. Some people blog to keep friends updated on daily lives, but I realized, I don't exactly say very much of what I do either! It's boring, it bores me and will probably bore the rest of the world.

But that aside, I've more new year resolutions. Oh for those who don't know what they are, here's the list:
1. Better attitude to school
2. Run more. (haha)
3. (shall not be made known.)
4. (shall not be made known.)
And to add to the list,
5. Make more new friends. (Inspired by Estelle)
6. Try not to complain/moan/whine/grumble, even if it's only in my head.
Yea... I suddenly thought of that on Thursday during Econs lect. See... I've a grand total of 8 hours of (almost non-stop) lectures on Thursdays... might be 9 if tutorial balloting doesn't go well... and on Thursday, someone made a comment that made me realize that thinking 'Oh my goodness, I can't stay awake anymore', 'Oh my goodness I'm so tired', 'Oh my goodness this is so boring', 'Oh my goodness.... why must I sit through 8 hours of lectures on Thursdays' doesn't exactly change the fact that I've to sit through 8 hours of lectures every Thursday anyway. Therefore, from now on, the motto from now on shall be 'It's all in the mind, it's all in the mind, 8 hours of lectures is not that unbearable if I tell myself it's not. It's all in the mind, it's all in the mind, it's all in the mind...' Alternatively, I could just skip lectures. Sounds good too.

Had auditions with Mark yesterday. For some very strange reason I suddenly started playing an octave lower halfway during the piece... oh well, will just have to keep our fingers crossed...since we've practised quite a lot and I actually like Poulenc's Elegie.

Chengwei can cook!

Yeah right. I managed to microwave pasta today... linguine, prego sauce with ham and all... and it actually tastes pretty good... and the best part, it's healthier than any food in Pgp. So I'm now considering doing this on a daily basis...plain pasta, pasta with prego sauce, pasta with canned soup, pasta with (microwaved) vegetables... Oh well, this is the most amount of food I've ever prepared for myself at one go, so... yay.

Char liked the rainy day poem I posted... I like it too, but it's kind of overly gloomy...so...just to brighten things up...read this Char!

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers
Poem lyrics of Hope Is The Thing With Feathers by Emily Dickinson.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Very comforting last two lines, but I tend to forget myself.

I love my old friends. I love the sense of familiarity. It's amazing, how they leave, then come back... and everything just falls into place all over again, like we were still classmates. But they'll leave again soon, and I find myself feeling more sad now than when they first did... seeing them made me realize how much security they gave me. I look back at December, and I smile at the pleasant memories... thankful for the day I saw Sheryl, Zhuang and Serene, when we sat at sushi tei and watched serene grin non-stop... clubbing with the girls, staying over at Sheryls, seeing Chris after Narnia...then Christmas at Zhuangs... then celebrating Es' birthday, then New Year Eve's at Es' place, where we drank, danced, laughed at each other, at old times, at the memories from J1... having dinner with Es & Char together (they're primary sch classmates, Char & I are Sec school classmates, Es & I are Jc classmates!)... talking to Es over dinner...and celebrating Estelle's birthday today... also the last time we will be sitting together until many months later. We said bye to the Oxfords today... Chris and Es are coming over tomorrow, and all too soon, they'll leave too.

Oh well. That's life.

Some days must be dark and dreary

The Rainy Day
Poem lyrics of The Rainy Day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

Dedicated to the rain outside my window. It has been pouring since last night, and I don't think it will stop anytime soon.

For some strange reason, I couldn't stop thinking of the final two lines of a poem during Marketing lecture yesterday-

'This close companioned inarticulate hour / When twofold silence was the song of love.'

Because I'm too lazy to pack...

Yes becuase I'm too lazy to pack up my stuff that should be moved back to the NUS hole and I need some thing to do in between the period of procrastination- begin and procrastination (can never) end... I got this off Manda's blog... Oh well, haven't done one of these in years.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?

Work in a restaurant, Go Kbox-ing, *i** randomly

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year

How do you keep resolutions you've trouble remembering?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?

Shanghai, France, Phuket, Malaysia (I think)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

More contentment, acceptance.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

4th March 2005 (btw, it has nothing to do with the fact that it was A Level results day.)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Decent exam results, but not like they really bring me pride and glory, so...

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not making the best out of my first semester at the U.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

10 sore throat infections, 1 fall at work, a million cases of indigestion.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The things that I buy for others.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

No idea.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Thou who shall not be named.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Topping up EZ link card (*tears hair out)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Just before starting work, every vacation

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i) Happier or sadder?

sadder. :(

ii) Thinner or fatter?

Think it's around the same.

iii) Richer or poorer? Richer, than poorer when I threw all my pay into Orchard Road.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Running (I say that every year), talking to people.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Hole-ing up in the NUS hole, whatever that means.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I SPENT Xmas in company of good new friends, and good old friends.

.21. Did you fall in love in 2005? Probably not.

23. How many one-night stands? null.

24. What was your favourite TV program?

Gilmore Girls, and I say this with embarrassment - the current 9 O'Clock Serial on Channel 8, whatever it is called.

26. What was the best book you read?

Didn't read anything too significant...so most entertaining...Enchantment - Orson Scott Card

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Damien Rice

28. What did you want and get?

This sounds so superficial...but I can only think of materialistic things, so an mp3 player, a new hp and basically all the million things I possess.

29. What did you want and not get?

That's no longer important.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Narnia!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Buy all the above mentioned things (gosh I really sound so shallow) with my family, eat with my family, celebrate with my family.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

All the things that was supposed to be listed under 29.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

Polo tees, brighter colours... actually when you wake up half an hour before lectures, you don't care.

34. What kept you sane?

Friends that matter, the need to study (really), insubstitutable words.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Really, none.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

NKF.

37. Who did you miss?

The Nanyangs, and the Hwachongs, and the one that was not, and still will not be named.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

It's a cross between (1) 'Brother' (2) Someone at work whose the happiest person I've ever met and really really respect (3) Refer to 13, 37.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:

Accept what you cannot change.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

And so it is, just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time. - The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice.

Done! =) Still procrastinating. Happy birthday Alvin.

I want to be a part of it...

...New York New York...

(For those who don't kow, the title + the 1st line is from Frank Sinatra's New York New York.)

Yesterday, I was just talking to Kevin about the SEP in my mum's car. I got home, checked my E-mail, and realized that I got an exchange place in New York University (NYU).

My only reaction was, 'Oh wow, results are out so soon.' Can't really start getting excited when it's a whole year away... but I was most amused when Estelle called, squealing, asking questions... basically she's more excited than I am, and already can't wait til the day we shop together every weekend in NYC. Oh well, good to know I'll have a friend, if I do get there eventually. =)

Had a nice long chat with my old friend es yesterday. As es said, there's no point arguing with him because he always seem right... so now... i'm almost convinced to try something... wait, it's supposed to be 'do or don't do'...so I'm almost convinced to start doing something.

The Illusive Illusion

Today, someone commented that I seem very happening...

...and it so happens that I'm one of the most completely unhappening people I know.

But I'm 19, only 19, already 19, already turning 20 in about 5 months time. This should be the time of our lives, and maybe, I'll find some way to make it so...

or is it all just an illusion? Half sane, half mad, stark raving sane - I think that's one of the most perfect descriptions I've heard of human beings so far.

Alvino Lobster Ho this is for your benefit

I think the 3rd one is the best coz it's the only pic with weeseng and u can see him properly...and I don't know why I'm so kind to you, you'll owe me treats enough for me to live off u for the rest of my life...

On this second day of new year...

...Hello! I'm blogging on this 2nd day of 2006 because it seems like a trend to blog about milestone events like New Year, Christmas, Bdaes etcetc etc... so... just to emphasize my apparent lack of originality...

...and I did not blog on 1st Jan 2006 itself because I was still recuperating from Engsiang in da' house 2... which rocked! Gatherings with Pet, Es, Estelle, Zhuang, Chris, Serene, Shloke always end up to be drinking sessions, playing various games which are actually all different versions of 'truth or truth' and forcing ourselves to stay awake through the night and wee hours of the mornings... but really, if you asked me, it's the company. I feel so much happier when all of them are back, so much more familiar, comfortable, real.

Highlights of the day:
I met Es' Chinese tutor and in the 15 minutes I was in her car, I've heard Es speak more Mandarin than all the years I've known him added together and I've spoken more Mandarin than I have in the past three months.
Chris and I arriving early at Es' place to help with the food. I was sacked from my duty of scooping out pasta sauce while Chris' chief function was to hold Es' medicine.
Zhuang suggesting that the theme shall be 'retro' just one hour before the party, and winning the best dressed awards hands down because he was the only one who bothered to adhere to the theme.
Making comments about Zhuang's flowery retro shirt, which resembled everything from things uncles to grandmothers would wear.
Chris the nutcracker - and all our other botched attempts to use the nutcracker.
Zhuang's 'Deadly Concoction' - Drinking races between Zhuang and Pet.
Talking about whether the Yuan is undervalued at 2am, to which Es' Dad's response was, ' Were you all really talking about the Yuan before we got back?'

It was an amazing night, reminiscing about the past, all the silliness, the laughter, the fun. I hate to say this, but I think I actually missed being 'suan-ed', now that I think of it. I'm thankful I had the chance to talk to some people, heart to heart. :)

The 1st of Jan seemed like any other day. This is late, but Happy 2006. :)