Ways to Keep Awake:

1. For girls only - put face mask to prevent your eyes from closing. 100% effective.

2. Listen to Chinese songs - probably works for me only because I don't normally listen to any.

3. Start fiddling with your digital camera and take stupid pictures.

4. Drink coffee - so much for drinking once in 2 days, I've drank 6 cups the past week. (Swear I'm not going to drink for a week once exams are over.)

5. Waste time.

I've made a decision. I refuse to study Econs anymore, such a waste of time staring at so many functions and Greek symbols, none of which are going into my brain. So much for the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns. In this case, it's increasing negative marginal returns, negative returns to scale and increasing marginal disutiity.

With all the talk about PSLE results these days, I'm suddenly reminded my anxiety during the PSLE Math paper. Instead of checking my answers, I spent 50% of the time wondering how the hell to answer the following question:
Q: How long was the bus on the bridge?
Little me thinks: Huh, how to find out what is the length of the bus on the bridge....
Anyway, I don't understand why the news reports need to emphasize that it's the first time in a decade an Indian student achieved the top score... it's almost racist. With so many Chinese students, chances of a Chinese student topping are obviously higher...

Lucky Girl

I feel so lucky, and pretty much spoilt.

When I was younger, I resented my mum for not buying me for rarely letting me eat snacks, not giving me enough pocket money (I was a spendthrift since young, lol), scolding me when my school bag was stuffed with unfiled worksheets, making me take a 15 min walk under hot sun back from St Nicks every single day because no one could fetch me, forcing me to take piano lessons (honestly, I used to hate the piano), making me join Maths Club in primary school, making me take the school bus alone on my first day at primary school, making me read Peter and Jane (does anyone remember those books even?), making me take abacus class... and especially this... not buying me Barbie Dolls.

Now, I think I've the best mum in the world. The only woman who would...

Tell me to withdraw money from her bank account while she still has money
Bring me shopping and buy me clothes.
Bring me travelling and shopping around the world.
Share all her Swatch Watches with me.
Tell me to buy Swatch Watches when I go to US (haha, actually she just wants them herself.)
Call me whenever she sees nice clothes to ask if I want to buy them.
SMS me just to tell me she discovered she passed her driving test on my birthday many years ago.
Help me get a cashier's order from the bank for my US Visa Application, insist that she definitely wouldn't send me down to the US embassy, get my Dad to deliver the cashier's order to me, and end up sending me down to the embassy (totally negates the purpose of my Dad bring the cashier's order)
Transfer $15000 to my bank account (erm, it's not really meant for me, some other reasons...) and entertain me by smsing to say 'Please don't run away', and then, 'Why don't you reply? Have you ran away?'
Insist on not replacing my handphone when I leave it in a cab, buy one the day before my birthday, tell the salesperson to put my birthday as the start date of the warranty, and tell all my friends to wish me happy birthday at my new number because I was upset that I wouldn't even know if anyone wished me Happy Birthday at my old number.
Arrange her work schedule so that she can pick me back from hostel every week.
Let me drive to work even though I barely earn enough money to cover the petrol consumption.
Drive to Marina to buy a new jacket because the outlet at Orchard has no size, immediately.
Drive down to PGP just to send me my passport / jeans / clothes and everything else I forget to take over the weekend.
Cover up for me when I screw up, and sms me to say, 'Don't worry about ______, just concentrate on your exams. I'll settle everything, spend some money at most.'

Sigh. I've been troubling my mum so much over the past week.

Degeneration

I was whining about exams to Ray last night (instead of studying for exams, ugh) and I'm now convinced we degenerate when we enter the life on an undergraduate. Well, I certainly have.

I feel miserable about having 4 papers 2 day, 9am & 1pm, no time for lunch. I complain about sleeping six hours a day and studying the whole day. But,

In Secondary School and Junior college, I woke up at 6am everyday to reach school by 7am.
I had ccas and got home at 9pm.
Now CCAs are optional. I can skip CCAs if I please (mostly!) Lessons start at 10am.

Worst, during O/A levels, we usually had 2 to 3 papers a day. Exams lasted for 3-4weeks. We had an average of 2-3 papers/subject. At O levels, I had 10 subjects. At A Levels, I had 4 subjects-3 Econs papers, 2 Math papers, 3 Lit Papers, 2 History Papers.

At O levels, I memorized the entire handbook of Chinese words, from 1A to 4B (only way to pass.), memorized a million things from the Chemistry TB, alkalines, organic chemistry structures, precipitate colours and what nots, memorized the entire first movement of Beethoven's first symphony... Come A levels, we had 10 whole topics of History to understand (fine, I risked it by studying about 7), SIX lit text, macroeconomics and microeconomics together, studied additional economics theory for Econs S... and didn't study for History S.

I used to understand what the Law of Comparative Advantage was, Terms of Trade, AD/AS... now I don't.
I used to have to memorize my statistics formulas, be it confidence intervals or hypothesis testing..there're cheat sheets now.
I used to be able to study so many things... now I can't remember anything from the financial accounting notes.
I used to enjoy reading my Econs Textbooks, now I skip as much as I can, and give up half the time.

We used to get stressed over preliminary exams and when they were over, it's time for O/A Levels. Now there's one big exam.

So what happened? It all seems so far now.

And as if I haven't degenerated enough. Last night, using my bed as a desk, I sat on the floor to study. I thought that would prevent me from lying down on the bed and sleep...

...I just slept on the floor.

Mortified

A friend told me that my face is on Friday's edition on Today. I've never been so mortified to see a picture of myself. 1. I look like a ghost. 2. Student Fans? 3. ... ... ...

Of Math and Calculators

The Beijing gang with Prof Lee.
Serene (Ditsy), my roomie whom I miss!Visha, Serene, Cheng Wei, Darren! Pretty Christmas house!

Yesterday evening, Prof Lee organized a little reunion for the Beijing gang at the Guild House, really nice to see everyone again, all the laughing and teasing, trying to catch up with one another's life. And Prof kept ordering food and asking if anyone needed more rounds of drinks, so generous! We really should have thought of getting him a gift.

The guild house was so nicely decorated, with Christmas trees and all... reminds me that Orchard Road should be dazzling with X'mas lights by now. Seeing the decor at the Guild house reminded me that the time of the year has come, when I can start listening to Christmas songs again! Different versions of Silver Bells has been playing on my laptop ever since... I've always loved the Christmas season, pretty lights, cards, presents, shopping, christmas carols... can't wait for all of that.

Now, math. *jumps right out of the window*

In the past, when I said I'm a math idiot, I really mean, 'I think I can handle Math, but I happen to think it's terribly boring and I hate touching the calculator.' It was (by far) my strongest subject at A Levels after all.

Now, when I say I'm a math idiot, I mean, 'I am really a Math idiot, and I still think it's terribly boring and I'm about to throw my calculator right out of the window.' I think I've said I'm a Math idiot so much that I've really lost all ability in it.

I feel like an idiot when I slog through equations after equations, barely progressing because I either can't understand some formula or my calculator just refuses to show the right answer. And all my modules this semester are so mathematical... All I see in my Econs TB are functions and slopes, alphas, betas. I keep falling asleep over my Management Science notes because they consist of nothing but variables and queueing formulas. And Financial Accounting... my goodness, if I were ever to become an accountant, I'll lead a very miserable life pressing the damn calculator the whole day, scrutinizing at ever single cent, trying to balance Balance Sheet (which of course never happens in my case because I can never calculate anything right), compute ratios... UGH. And Statistics...I don't care if probabilities and probability distributions are supposedly 'applied mathematics', it's all Math to me.

Math is the bane of my existence.

I miss my Literature textbooks. The only Math they had were the number of lines in a sonnet, the alternating stresses of an iambic pentameter, the number of of poems John Donne wrote, the number of Acts in Shakespeare's Othello, the 4 great tragedies of Shakespeare.... and they were all so much more fun.

Peace

(Note: I'll probably change my mind about the following by next week.)

There are times when I think I could actually learn to enjoy the exam periods. With no more lessons to rush through, no more tutorials to finish, projects out of the way, there's a sudden stability in my days. All I have to do is to hide in my room and sleep, study and listen to nice music. Like a respite from the whirlwind of a semester. No need to face the world for awhile.

What I wear doesn't matter. I can stay in my fast fading old Hwa Chong PE T-shirt and shorts the whole day if I please. I can wear my specs the whole day, don't need to clean my contact lenses, clean the lense cases, suffer from the occassional lens irritation. Don't need to comb my hair. When the weather is cold, as it is nowadays, I could just put on the most comfortable jacket, no matter if it doesn't match everything else I'm in.

It sure beats the rush of the projects over the past three weeks. Living for myself, I'm only accountable to myself. If I don't feel like studying, I pay for it, myself. No need to force myself to go on and on because I need to send documents/files to people on time. No need to worry if others are sending things to me on time. If I get depressed from all the endless work, at least I don't have to perk myself up in time for the next project meeting, just a few hours away. Or smile and laugh, when all I want to do is get the project over and done with. I go online when it pleases me, not because I need to talk to so-and-so to get something done. No one to sms me to go online, or check the evil, vile, ivle.

And everything is so much more peaceful. My crappy looking self, my coffee, my novel (ironically, I read most during the exam period), my notes scattered all over the floor. And almost no one is going to call me to do this, do that, go here, go there, because everyone else if busy mugging.

With exams at this time of the year, I'd always look forward to stepping into town again, seeing the Christmas lights everywhere, joining the crowd of Christmas shoppers. This year, I look forward to going out with one of my shopping guru (who finishes her papers on the same day), preparing for exchange, trying to meet up with friends, savour everything before I say bye for awhile.

I feel like a hermit sometimes, and exams are the best time to be a hermit. Sometimes, I just need a break from the rest of the world. But I guess, one could never be completely satisfied. Come a few more days, and I'll probably be withering from staring at my blinds 24/7 and wishing there was someone to meet, say hi to, talk to, eat with. Oh well, such is the human condition- we can never decide what we want.

And there're always a million post-exam plans, probably to give yourself something to anticipate, to keep yourself going. But at the end of it, you're probably so tired that half of it doesn't materialize.

I've rambled so much. It's back to finishing up my coffee, back to my econs notes.

Damn, I was one person away from taking a photograph with George W. Bush today.

I went to attend the remarks by Bush at UCC today... the waiting was a criminal waste of time. We had to gather at the Central Library 3 hours before the talk to wait for the shuttle bus...queue, queue, queue and queue somemore... and they checked out invitation cards/identification cards just about only 10 times. The talk started at 6, but we were seated by 5pm.

Nevertheless, it was quite a novel experience. The stage was ridiculous... red and white backdrop which everyone thought looked liked a getai. But I guess Bush wouldn't know what a getai is, so nevermind. And there was some gross thing painted on it, like a cross between a Chinese shophouse, perankan designs and Singapore flags... basically a picture of this thing with windows and a million (puny) singapore flags on every single tile.

And Singaporeans are so patriotic. Everyone stood up and clapped when our ministers came in (still think Senior Minister Goh really has an aura about him, probaby the height and the greying hair)... clapped when SM Goh and Tommy Koh walked to the back of the stage (probably for a little chat with Bush... clapped when they walked out of the stage. I think the Americans looked a bit amazed by how much we like to stand and clap. Some people were waving to the ministers.

For a moment, I felt like I was in a Hollywood movie. You'd expect some one to come out and make a little formal speech about how honoured we are to have the president of the United States with us, please stand up and put our hands together to warmly welcome so-and-so, etcetcetc... I guess that's just the Singaporean way of doing things. It was exactly like what you'd see in movies/American Dramas. No one came out. Just a voice booming through the speakers, 'The president of the United States of America.'

And then he just walked right out, triumphantly. No one to usher him onto stage, no bodyguards, no fanfare, just a big bright smile. I almost expected him to start waving.

The first few minutes of his speech sounded like my Social Studies textbook. 'Singapore has come a long way, from a small trading outpost to one of the most vibrant economic hubs of the world... you've belonged to the British, the Japanese... and finally, to Singaporeans... yadayadayaa...you've worked hard and proved you could do it. The world looked at Singapore with pessimism, not believing that a small country with no natural resources could survive...but you proved them wrong...' Sounds like the National Day song that goes, 'There was a time, when people said that Singapore can't make it...but we did.'

The rest of it wasn't much either... about terrorism, global warming etcetc. And lots of 'For any Asian country that is willing to stand up against terrorism and fight for freedom... you'll find a friend in America.' 'The American's displayed the kindness in their blood when we sent out relief to the Tsunami victims.' 'If you are willing to fight for freedom and democracy as opposed to totalitarianism, I promise you that America is your friends'. 'We need to stop the spread of Aids, the Avian flu, SARS..' Well, something along those lines. Basically, he didn't say anything we don't already know.

At least he didn't say anything very dumb. Except for 'We need to spark an economic revolution, to spark a revolution..' ?!! Asia and th region has been attacked by terrorists as well... hotel in Jakarta, Australian embassy in Indonesia... (blah blah blah) and bombings in RUSSIA.'

Gosh, the music that came on when he finished his speech was... attrocious. Imagine hearing Tian2 mi4 mi4 playing while the president of the United States walks down to say hi to everyone. I know we should try to promote local stuff and all, but really, tian2 mi4 mi4?!!! The students were seated in front, so quite a few lucky people got to take photographs with him. I really didn't expect that to be allowed...Bush even got his bodyguards (or whoever they are) to help us take photographs. Oh well, I was standing at the side, and just as he reached us, he got distracted by some Americans seated behind. :( Not that I'm a fan of Bush, but imagine having him with you on your MSN!

Anyway, I messaged my mum to say that I was wearing her blouse when George Bush touched my shoulder, so she can't wash it anymore. And her reply- 'Better wash with bleach, the stronger the better. He has bloody palms.'

At the rate I hear people tell me I'm losing weight, I'm going to get so stressed that I lose more weight. I should...

(1) Not exercise at all... but exams are coming and I'll have no more life if I lock myself up in this PGP hole the whole day.

(2) Eat LOTS andLOTSandLOTS of chocolates.... but I can't get over my chocolate phobia. I bought a walnut cake to share with my brothers on Sunday... I took one mouth, noticed a small speck of chocolate-looking thing, and didn't dare to touch it anymore. Sigh.

(3) Eat two dinners a day.... but PGP food is so sickening that it's hard enough to enjoy one dinner.

(4) Go home more... last weekend, i was so glad to be going home to eat that I ate TWO dinners at a go. haha, and that was after having tea at Sweet Secrets! But I can't go home until exams are over. :(

(5) Give into temptation and eat loads of my beloved biscuits... which is already somewhat the case. But I don't want to fall sick before exams.

(6) Drink a can of coke everyday. But I hate coke. And I've given up on coke light.

...

What I really should do is... start studying. So many people mugging around school! ugh.

Bitchy

In my JC days, all the guys in class liked to laugh and poke fun at me, affectionate 'suan-ing', as they would put it. They said it was fun because they knew I wouldn't take it to heart... well, yea, as long as it's not malicious. They said I was easy to bully... pretty unexpected for someone so tall, but yea. That was why I landed up being smashed on the face with a slice of cake (expensive cake from Anggie's Choice, haha) on my 17th birthday, with my nose filled with gross butter for the rest of the day. That was why I spent a disgusting amount of money on those charity tickets which people push at you at Orchard MRT Station... my classmates (especially the guys) will walk away, and I'll be pressurized to buy them.

Anyway, this is nothing to do with my ex-classmates...we were all great friends after all. (and I miss them very much) But...

I'm definitely becomming less and less nice, more and more bitchy.

After J2, I swore never to buy any of those charity tickets again along Orchard Road, even if it's some old woman trying to sell it to me. Look, don't tell me how it's for a good cause... when you're paid to sell them. I only drop money into the tins of buskers, and the man singing at Orchard MRT underpass... who's always there late into the night, when it's almost 12 and I'm on the way home from work. Occasionally, I donate money to school children selling flags. Sometimes, I buy charity T-shirts / cards / toys, when I honestly think it's for a good cause (though I've to say, they're getting more and more expensive... which makes it feel like a scam to force everyone to donate more.) And I'll never call in to one of those charity TV shows, simplay because I know most of the money goes into running the show.

Two weeks back, I was so irritated with my project mate being late that I couldn't bring myself to say very much to him for the first hour, because I was afraid of sounding unreasonably cold.

On Friday, I got so pissed off with the Econs tutor that I E-mailed the professor with some feedback. I didn't even mention her name, but well, he forwarded it to her anyway.

And yesterday. I contemplated sending really mean Sms-es to my project mates (different group). Let's call them A, B and C.
I stayed up until 4am to edit our project and woke up at 8:30am because we had a meeting at 9:00 am. Some of my project mates live really far from Pgp, so I expected them to be late anyway... so I continued editing... and decided to call A, who was supposed to pick B and C up at the busstop. And guess what I discovered? B and C didn't wake up on time, and messaged A to say that they would come after 12. Fine. The bigger problem - A didn't wake up until I called, so he didn't see the message either. In short, no one informed me, and I felt like a grand fool for waking up so early.

I felt like I could say really mean things to all of them. To give A credit, he decided not to sleep anymore and come help me edit first. And well, B was uncontatable because he got drunk the night before. C... is a really nice person, so I couldn't stay mad for long.

And, I think I almost quarrelled with A during the meeting. I really don't know what's wrong with me these days... just generally impatient with people! :s It was partly my fault because I really felt very strongly about something I wrote. Thank goodness it didn't escalate... and the moment of stress passed after awhile.

And I decided to tell A, B and C... 'After today, I've no more time to touch the project anymore because I need to write a term paper. So I'm not going to do anything after today.'

I feel so mean. But it's the truth anyway... and it's not like I haven't put in any effort.

I'm really becomming so bitchy!

Rainy Day

Rainy days are always lazy days... and I decided to take pictures of my room. It's already my third semester living in a hole, but I think I'll really miss my cosy space... I've come to be so used to sitting here, alone, doing my work... that I can't study at home anymore. I bring books back every weekend, only to spend my time playing the piano, talking to my maid, reading the newspapers...

I hate it when exams come about- when I don't go home over the weekends and am forced to sit in here for two weeks. It always gets so depressing. With four papers in two days, I don't think I even have the time to be depressed this time round.

The strangest thing happened today. My neighbour got locked in her room! It's not that I'm not sympathetic, but it was really kind of funny. She went in, closed the door... and somehow, the knob was spoilt and she couldn't open her door from the inside...nor could I from the outside. The guy at the Fire Command Centre thought I was crazy when I said, 'My neighbour can't get out of her room.' Pgp is terrible!

It's been raining the whole day today... such a waste that I can't just make a cup of coffee and cuddle up under my blanket with my novel through the night. Days like these always remind me of one of my favourite poems-

'Into each life some rain must fall / Some days must be dark and dreary.' - The Rainy Day, Henry Wadwarth Longfellow

Oink

I don't know what has happened to me, but I feel like I complete pig. Well, still doing my tutorials and all... but the amount of time I spend stoning, wasting time and slacking has been attrocious lately. With so many things to do, I seem to be able to watch television, eat my dinner slowly, stand in the shower and stone (even though I actually hate bathing because it's a complete chore), spend 15 minutes in the morning choosing what earrings to wear, spend one hour walking around the co-op today, do nothing the entire weekend...

It's Thursday, and I feel like I haven't done anything for the week.

Last night, I started nodding off while doing my tutorials and decided I needed a power nap... so I lay down, set my alarm to ring 20 minutes later and conked out. The alarm didn't ring... until I dreamt it rang and woke up...seeing it was 2am, I decided to just close my eyes and go back to sleep, on top of all lecture notes, bags, clothes, earrings, watch and handphone strewn all over.

In short, a pig in a pig sty.

What's wrong with me?

And I don't know why I feel so bloated after dinner today. Probably part of the pig syndrome. Feels like I can not eat for the next week.

Bizad got NKF to conduct health screening yesterday. Everyone wanted to see how much I weigh... right. Now I've solid proof that I'm indeed 1.74m tall and definitely weigh MORE than 50kg (obviously). But... my fat percentage is 24+%...my goodness, where are all my fats. When I last measured a year ago, it was 19+ %.

*oink*

I miss my eskimo friend.