It's Thursday, and I guess I'm thankful that thus far, this week has proceeded better than last. I've been spending time with people and it makes me happy. (though I still need personal space. I'm actually quite private by nature.)

I still get frustrated with myself over the piano. I don't improve as quickly as I'd like to, or (used to) believe myself capable of. Too many weaknesses, more than I ever imagined. Nevermind, I shall practice later after gym. This is one area where - practice produces results! I really need to learn how to be patient with myself, very.

Recently, conversations with a number of people have forced me to rethink my views on the extent to our social class/backgrounds matter (though as a friend always puts it, 'We're made to believe we're all middle class.')

I cannot deny that when I was younger, I held rather worldly desires for all things material. And I envied friends who lived in huge houses, who had parents who were willing to buy them the coolest toys, gave them enough to buy sweets and chocolates on the way home from school, who went to faraway cool places during the school holidays. I used to have childish fanasies of being the rich, pampered girl, dreaming about how I had wonderful yummy treats like huge chocolate bars (haha) to put in my tuckbox which I brought to school.

I can't really pinpoint when I changed, but I have, and I no longer hold these views. I consider myself fortunate enough, for I have the material/tangible things which I need, and probably a little bit more. I have wealthy friends, and I admire them - for the inner beauty they possess, made up of humility, kindness and sincerity. I used to like it when people believed I was well off (I'm not!), but now I think it's absolutely ridiculous I ever thought that. I've come to see that we can make the best of what we have -

I'm still reminding myself that I'm a fortunate girl, no matter what disastors life may have thrown at me. That I should learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

Call me an idealist, but I'd still like to believe that between people, your background shouldn't matter. I wouldn't want to be remembered as the girl with the coolest clothes, make-up on her face, Prada Bag slung around her shoulder, drove that BMW, or even, the girl with the amazing brains. It'll be nice to be remembered as the girl who was nice (and I never mean nice in the conventional sense - anyone can be 'nice'), who had a heart for others, who made the best of what she had.

I have so much to reflect and improve upon.

I'll be patient with myself. Everything hurts, but it'll pass.

________________________________

LINDA! Still so proud of you! I keep telling everyone how happy I am for you. Really hope you have a good start. =) =) =)

Good JOB Linda! =)

With so many things on my mind, I can't get to sleep.

It has really been so long since I've had to deal with affairs not-of-the-mind. This happens to me so rarely, that when it does, I know I'm in for a long ride. Deep shit, deep.

my SPOUSE is the MOUSE in a BLOUSE in a HOUSE

Gleeful first woman on the moon!
Pouty Angel
I HATE STUDYING...
DAMN STRESSS AH!

(Little) Boys

Nikki Rabbit!
Brainy Nikki and ice-cream
Greedy Nikki and another ice-cream
I'm too cool to be seen with an ice-cream cone.

Mugging in my (secret) MUGle hangout
The future is quantum.
Meet Renhui!

Yum yum biscuits!

Cow seets, purple and coke!

ED-XHAUSTED

Ever felt like you were so tired that you could sleep forever, and ever, and ever? Hello, my name is Cheng Wei, nice to meet someone like me.

Today, I fell asleep while driving into the tunnel along the CTE. I was already dreaming, and when I snapped out of it, I was in the other lane.

I love it when I'm around people I'm so comfortable with, all the time. Times when I can speak what's on my mind, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh without restrain. (Though laughing feels like a mask at times.)

So, yesterday was one such day - started awful but took a turn for the better. Spent some time getting work done at my new favourite MUGgle hangout (secret in case it gets flooded!) with JY, followed by a hilarious dinner with Nic, whom I decided behaves like a little kid rabbit. I've pictures of the little boy eating ice-cream, but later!

The three of us ended up hanging around Clark Quay. It's been a long time since I've hung out late at night, just to chill. I had the urge to club last night, though we didn't and settled for sitting next to an ice-cream stall by the river. It's really been a long time. I've avoided the clubs for so long.

It was really a great night, albeit tiring. I really treasure moments when I'm ... just myself around people. I'm so tired of hiding.

I hope I don't get hurt. The insecurity eats me.

The days come and go, and here goes the second week of school. Call me a spoil sport, but I can practically see the later-part-of-the-semester essay, project and exam blues coming.


I'm not too pleased with myself this week. There were good times, and not so good times. (No disastrous times at least). I just have to keep trudging and hope that next week will be good. It's a constant struggle, forward, backward, forward, backward. I just hope it's more of the former from now on.

It's just so tiring. I feel so tired going round in circles, but I go on and on. Just like how I'm so exhuasted now, but I don't want to let myself close my eyes and just sleep. And when I don't sleep, things go wrong, then I can't sleep, or I don't want to let myself sleep, then things go wrong again, and yadaa yadaa. How much more ridiculous can I get?

As I just reminded Estelle, and she reminded me in turn, LOOK FORWARD.

Juxt-a-position (SMU Arts Fest Dance Showcase) was pretty good - salsa is hot! (and horribly triggering, very very very very triggering). I would have loved to watch the SMU Piano Ensemble, but it's over. It was nice to be out during a school week (unlike last term!), and it was a good night, spent in good company and good conversation. Except I got moody from the lack of sleep.

Well, I pray for a good weekend.

If you have never been sad, how do you appreciate happiness?

I was never a morning person, but I must say - running along the NUS track as the sunrises is a really pretty feeling, if pretty could be an emotion. I think today will be good. =)

Blue musings

Before I go on about everything blue, I need to mention that I saw someone with the name Zara today! Now I know that name exists. So Zara Lee is not that original after all. But still, cool name!

I'm really trying to tell myself it's okay, because it really was OKAY. I can't do it perfectly at one shot, and as HY always says, 'If you slip, it doesn't mean you're back at square 1. Just pick yourself up.' And yea, but that nagging voice whom I call A starts mocking me for being a complete failure. I act a whole lot more rationally now, or rather, a whole lot more like I was when I was trouble free, but I can't deny that a part of me just can't completely let go. It irks me that I don't want to let go at times - feels like I'm abandoned, thrown into the sea, having to figure out how to live with my own imperfections. I miss the safety, security and comfort of the structure I lived within.

It'll get better. It has gotten so much better, and it can only get better, because my resolution for the semester is not to let it get in the way of the rest of my life, and whatever abilities I may have.

What I need most right now, is not supposed perfection or goodness by my own standards. But to look beyond myself, and find the capacity to love others. I think self absorption/centredness is truly one of the most common vices, and the most difficult to overcome.

It's been such a long time since I've played this game, but I find myself increasingly vulnerable, and tempted to fall into that tiring abyss of messiness. Oh yes, the thrill, but more so, the fear of not being able to protect myself.

Ending off with a non-blue note - according to Miss Kim Lian Rolles (whom I suspect is begin to hallucinate), I moved over to her in my sleep and said, 'appointment appointment!' Right. Me and my bizarre sleep talking.

LINDA!

I met Linda thrice since I got back from NYC last June, but we've never had a chance to really sit down and catch up... and it FINALLY came yesterday! FINALLY, and it was absolutely great. Just the kind of girl-on-girl night out that I needed. Hung around my room before heading to Crystal Jade for dinner, updating each others on our lives, talking about old times in school and all. And I felt so happy. =) I felt nice and happy when we recalled that we took two tutorials together in my second semester (by chance!) when we met - practically forgot about it! She's truly one of the few (girl)friends I've met in NUS. As I grow older, it's rare that I meet people whom I can be completely at ease with. Miss you girl! I really hope you find a good job, and good luck for GIC!

On other news, Chris flew to Paris on Tuesday, and soon, Manda Panda will be going off to Turkey next Tuesday. Now I'm left alone.

School's been great so far, and so has piano. I'm beginning to enjoy Mars. =)

Guest appearance by Kim (who's looking ridiculous sitting on the Central Forum and eating orange peel)- she says, 'it is raining like crap and I want to get out of here but I can't. I want to eat dinner. I'm hungry. But I can't get out. So I've been eating orange peel. I want to meet Leo now. The co-op got no more cow sweets. I am annoyed. Chengwei rocks.'

Oh man. I can do this - Protect myself.

So not giving up

I love you spousestress! And I love this picture of us. You make me happy, make me purple, make my world go round and round and round. You're really worth every kcal! hahahaha.
Liza's birthday. My brother got her a Guess wallet on behalf of all of us and I'm so happy she likes it. I love her so much - to me, she's practically a member of the family!
I screwed up some stuff quite badly today, and on impulse, went to dye my hair at a salon in NUS. KC came along and got his hair cut.

I'm going to pick myself up. Not tomorrow, not later, but NOW. This very moment. I've done it before, so it isn't impossible. I'm not going to let history repeat itself.

I love kimmy! She's tha best.

It's been a long time since I've felt like this.

Unecessary Trouble =(

I've been with people quite a lot and I've been feeling cheery. Maybe it'll be a better semester. =) One day I'm going to be so thankful for all the things I've learnt through all these. I already am thankful for the people it has brought into my life, grateful beyond words.

While driving along the highway, I had quite a good time talking to one of my friends from hnf. I've always found him to be cheerful and easygoing, and it's always nice to get a glimpse of the serious side of people.

Everyone has one. No matter how it looks.

Hello, I'm in Kim's room!

Soon the first week of school will be over, and I'm glad to announce that it has gone GREAT. The past three days have been perfect. =) I'm actually happy albeit all the insecurity, yayness.

On Tuesday evening, I had dinner with Kim, Leo, Kev and ES at (guess where?) SUSHI TEI! And I was exceedingly happy for no rhyme or reason. I'm quite a one-on-one person, and it's really rare that I enjoy talking in a group setting, especially among people who may not know each other.

I'm glad to have friends in class. Lectures with Kim, today with Nicholas, and I saw Yiling in class that day. I started missing Linda though - Girl, I really do wish we still had the chance to take classes together, really. =( I really hope you find a good job, and well, stay happy post-graduation. I miss you.

According to Kim, in my sleep last night, I said, 'Oh my linear algebra!'

Oh, and I need to mention- Kim and I made a pact to drink Teh Bing (with milk) together once a week. Manda, I'll drink with you when you get back!

Happy happy, for now. :)

No longer the same

Today was my first day back to campus life, and also my first round the NUS campus in a long time. With the cool evening after the rain, it wasn't a difficult run. Somewhat satisfying, but disappointing, because it's no longer as enjoyable as before.

I miss the days when I loved to run. Maybe I dreaded it, but once I got myself pounding on the pavement, it always felt exceedingly satisfying, and enjoyable. And all the happy endorphins.

And then I had to stop, lost my motivation. And it has never been the same since.

I really miss running, really running, for the sake of it. The routine, so hard to break. I miss the structure it added to my life, the sense of security it gave me, to be comfortable in my own skin. Now, there's always the nagging guilt, and insecurity- as I relax and enjoy, I doubt my capicity to enjoy it.

And I hate being so unfit!

"I always loved running... it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs."
Jesse Owens

_______________________________________________________

First day of school went pretty well. My fears didn't really materialize, so well done. Except that I found myself nodding off within the first hour. And I was strangely out of sorts, couldn't concentrate on the piano at all, which was... disappointing.

And so the last day of the vacation is ending. At least it was a day well spent.

Went to EN this morning, and I feel increasingly at ease and liberated each time I attend service there. I lifted my hands for the first time today during worship, and spoke from my heart. Previously, I've always been conscious of the fact that I am an outsider looking upon something which I cannot grasp. I feel less so now, but I'm still holding back. I don't think I'm ready yet. I supposed I may be considered a 'Sunday churchgoer' at this point. I attend, feel a sense of hope and empowerment to fight through the week, but other days of the week, I tend to forget. Until Sunday comes along. Wherever this go, I must say, it is a good experience this time round. At the very least, it opened my eyes and changed my mind about certain opinions I once held on to.

And then lunch with Leo and Kim at Sushi Tei, followed by a cup of teh bing (less sweet less milk!). It feels good to hang out with this wonderful pair, whom, to borrow Es' phrase, definitely 'have their heart in the right place.' Oh, and I forgot, shopping around for purple stuff to start the school term with.

I really do feel blessed, having gotten to know two great people in the past couple of months. Also, gotten to know a past acquaintance better. And it's rare that I meet three people whom I would genuinely care for (as opposed to hi-bye-once-it's-not-convenient-we-can-go-our-separate-ways) in such a short span of time. It's really these things that keep me going, albeit all the uncertainty, fear and insecurity. The reminder that for everything bad, it's never that bad because I posess things so precious. And also, such love from a certain friend which I never expected.

Piano lesson in the late afternoon. With each lesson, I increasingly realize just how many things I have forgotten, and how many things which I no longer can do on the piano (which I think, I used to be able to.) And it doesn't help that I always get nervous in front of the big man and produce sub-standard playing. It's really discouraging to discover just how far back I am. But it's okay, I wanted to do this, so I'll be patient with myself, until I get there. I just hope school and the other life doesn't take up all my time and energy.

I look forward to school with a slight sense of happy anticipation, because I'll be having two classes with someone (hello purple!) ! I believe I'm stronger and much more rational now, but there's this nagging feeling that stress and work might destroy me. It's natural for stress to take a toll on us, but I don't want to go tumbling backward into the blackhole.

I've mostly stopped setting academic expectations for myself since I entered university. But I do enter this semester with certain expectations. I don't need to ace and impress the whole world (I rather impress people with other things), but rather, I expect myself not to be dragged down by the other life. I think I can do this.

I really do feel blessed today.

And my dear friend, I know you may not be ready to talk, answer or reply. But know that I hope you're well. =) And I think we'd be terrific one day, and laugh at ourselves.

I told myself I want to focus this year. Get my priorities right. It's barely a month, and I find myself losing it. I spend all my time thinking meaningless things... and lose sight of what I set out to do.

I'm feeling unusually tired today.

School's Starting

Just got back from cleaning up and moving some stuff back to PGP. I've decided to settle for simplicity, to move only the bare essentials over. I've had enough of shoes and clothes and bags and notebooks I don't use and this and that lying all around. But I must have transported about ten books (not textbooks) over today. I just things in school/hostel wouldn't be as complicated as last sem. I've had enough of complications.

Sometimes, I miss routine.

I spent everyday of my last week of holidays in school. But it was a good day, spent in good company of good friends like Kim and Es, good food, and good times.

MISS PURPLE KIM LIAN ROLLES IS BACK

YAY! You made my morning by appearing on msn! PURPLE post for you!

In view of a good conversation I had with a acquaintance-then-friend last night, I feel quite sure that some people, you meet for a reason. Things happen, to make us learn.

Taxi driver

I had a glimpse into the life of a taxi driver today. And it's no easy job. With Winston, the resident Health and Fitness Club driver (and occassionally, my chauffeur) off to Sweden, the job is exclusively mine and my mum's van. So today I drove:

NUS => Kranji=>NUS=>Stevens Road=>NUS=>Clementi Clubfit Gym=>Jurong West Clubfit Gym=>Jurong Easy Clubfit Gym=>Choa Chu Kang Clubfit Gym=>Bukit Gombak Clubfit Gym=>Lost on SLE=>Ang Mo Kio=>Pongol=>Lost in Seng Kang=>Lost in Hougang=>Lost in baungkok=>Lost in Sengkang=>TPE=>HOME!!!!

It certainly isn't any easier to be sitting down in a box filled with carbon monoxide, and exercising your limbs with the brake, clutch, accelerator, gear, sterling wheel, handbrake... as well as your neck and abs whenever jerk right up when you realize you're about to miss a turn, than running 10km. Full gym workout around the most ulu roads of Singapore (erm, any where on the MRT green line is considered ulu, and anywhere on the NEL is considered completely unheard off and ulu-fyingly ulu.) Health and Fitness indeed. And I've driven on so many roads I've never seen before.

... ... ...

When you've gone off track for so long, you no longer know what's normal. Things so natural, so basic that no one really gives a thought to them... suddenly come with so much thought, effort, emotions... and guilt.

My mum and her new ipod nano are the cutest combination ever. That woman has no idea that we can hear her SINGING really loudly while she shakes to her music. The woman who didn't let me listen to CDs on a discman and didn't approve of backstreet boys... is now hooked onto the ipod.

I had a great lunch at sushi tei with my partner today, followed by an enjoyable practise, than coaching. I actually do like Mars for it's challenge... and I never knew the term 'rhythmic counterpoint' existed until coaching today. I still think one of the greatest enjoyments since I stepped into NUS was trying out two piano works.

I've been corresponding with a friend I've sort of lost touch with the past few days. And it's good to know that you still feel the same love for your old friends. After everything.

I was too lazy to go home last night, then come back to school this morning, so I decided to go over to Ryan's. Yakked and yakked, and I'm ever amazed by his blonde cheeriness. lol.

I've been having so much trouble waking up, and doing anything serious. Please don't let school start soon.

Let today go well.

...
I got this off Christine's blog-

'I remember riding in a taxi one afternoon between very tall buildings under a mauve and rosy sky;I began to bawl because I had everything I wanted and knew I would never be so happy again.' -F. Scott Fitzgerald

What a depressingly pretty quote. Depressing because I tend to feel that having everything I ever wanted probably isn't enough. Well, everything material, achievements etc. I'm beginning to think that truly happy people, exude happiness from within. Independent of their external environment.

I'm suddenly remembered by a motto I came up with oh-s0-long-ago when I thought I'd never be happy, ever again.

'Happiness is a choice.'

Saw a cute guy at the gym today and got some friendly and well meaning advice from the gym instructor.

Mars isn't going well. I don't feel good enough to play it, but I swear I'll practice until I make it. Every piece I play with my (favourite =p ) partner, I want to do it well. But ahh, no motivation to practice those dissonant things.

I really have so many things to learn, and quite a few things to undo.

Of goodbyes, and (hopes for) renewal

Desperate hopes.

Ray and I caught the midnight screening of Body 19 last night. It was so scary that Ray was hiding behind his jacket, shrieking now and then, while I tried to calm him by patting his head. Fine, it was the other way round- I WAS SO FREAKED OUT and hiding behind Ray's jacket. But I must say, it wasn't the typical freak and scream at random drama mama moments kind of horror, quite an engaging plot, and surprising.

Post movie, we cabbed down to Changi Airport, three hours ahead of time to see Tim off on his flight to Hawaii. As I slept on the Delifrance couch in a most unglamarous fashion, Ray tapped away at my laptop trying to master 02 jam (google it, and download it to play, it's addictive!)

Ironic. One of the last times I saw or said more than a ten words to Tim was exactly a year ago, at the same old Changi airport, when he came to send me off on my way to New York City. One year has passed, so many things has changed, so many things I would like to change. But anyway, Tim is so nice, and 'other regarding', as usual. It was great to see him, give him his gift... and I felt quite bad for not meeting up all these while when I was back in Singapore. Enjoy yourself Tim. =)

Ray and I then spent an hour over a good coffee bean breakfast (bad coffee), and had an insightful conversation on religion.

... incidentally, sermon at EN dealt with similar issues which Ray and I tried to thrash out. So, even more food for thought. I joined Leo for LifeGroup today, and we discussed gifts, visions and goals. (worldy and godly ones) Made me think a lot more about where I think i'd like to be heading, for the year at least.

*random boring stuff at NUS, yadaa,yadaa,Loreal,Yadaa,yadaa*

Headed down town to meet Nicholas before seeing Winston off at the airport. (Yes, my second trip there in a day.) Got Winston a pair of purple chopsticks, pink tissue which says stuff liek 'Kate Spoilt', along with a whole lot of vitamins and flu remedies (Nic was convinced he would fall sick the moment he was exposed to the Swedish wind or something.) Got my ears pierced (7th earhole, I have no idea why I do this to myself, really.) before walking round and round Far East and yakking. A good yak it was, helped me put more stuff into perspective.

And yes, seeing Winston off. The friend with all the funny ideas and antics, but incredibly nice and adorable.

I have a challenge coming up for the next week, right before school begins. I need a miracle, right now.

One more week

One week probation.

If not, I'll consider turning myself in.

Sometimes, life feels so tough, so damned tough that it feels impossible to ever get out of the rut, or ever feel better. But you and I, we have to be responsble for ourselves.

I've been hoping on and off this jouney. One step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, two steps back. Let's hop back on together, shall we.

I don't say this because of circumstances, or that it's the right thing to say. But because I meant it when I said no matter what.

Promise me we'll meet soon enough.

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.”
Harper Lee To Kill a Mockingbird 1960

Night, after night, after night, after night.

I fail myself.

But well, there's nothing to do except make (empty) promises that it'll get better.

Trying dooesn't seem enough, so I don't know what will do the trick.

Stomach hurts.

Second food poisoning in a month.

A troubled day, but an evening well spent with a cosy group, followed by a late dinner with a good friend, which unfortunately gave me the worst stomachache ever.

We discussed what it meant to be 'other regarding', and a 'nice' person. Indeed it's the little things that count. Personally, it was a good conversation, something I haven't really dwelled upon in a long time. And something to reflect upon as well.

I've been trying to avoid it, but I've come to terms with the fact that I am at a crossroads again. It troubles me that I'm neither sure of the end I seek, nor the path I want to take. I lack courage, and trust in those who know better. I'm held back by insecurity and fear.

It's not that I don't want to let go, and I confess that my resolve wavers at times (but a lot less now.) I don't know how to explain why I can't snap my fingers and magically stop. It doesn't go away, but I haven't given up.

I just fell, despite having resolved many times not to. But hey, I stopped in time.

I'm so sorry for everything.

I don't like living this way,

But I don't know how to stop.

Old habit die hard.

Looking forward

I start the New Year with a stuffed nose, itchy throat and random sneezes. It's okay, I'm trying to remind myself I don't have to make it any worst.

Resolutions at the start of the year are really an artificial start, but for the heck of it, I have mine.

(1) Think more, think twice, rationality. (contrary to think less, feel more, someone else's resolution.)
(2) One month challenge - I drink ONLY water for a whole month. (been lapsing into the whole coke light rubbish again.)
(3) Keep a written diary as long as I need it.
(4) Patience with the piano.
(5), (6), (7), (8) are personal.

That really seems like quite a lot of resolutions. It's always like that - starting off the New Year believing that you can say goodbye to all vices at once and do a complete restart.

For the first time in a long time, New Year's Eve wasn't spent at ES', with people being stuck overseas, with boyfriends, families, mugging etc. Instead, I spent the first half of the day gymming and hanging around Vivocity with Kev, whinning as usual. (got myself a new planner!), before heading over to ES' - his house has been taken by his sister's party instead.

Post choral /piano music geeking exchanges, we drove up to Kent Ridge Park for dinner (Moe- I didn't stall!). It was an attempt to avoid the crowds, so my last dinner of 2007 consisted of char kway tepw (was a bit irritated that the uncle gave me fried noodles, instead of the normal boiled ones I requested for, but decided to let it go since it was NYE.), nasi lemak, garden vegetables, and the 1cm x 1cm portion of egg white which ES accused me of depriving him off.

Kent Ridge Park is ironic, ironically pretty. The awesome bird's eye view of the harbour from atop a hill of tall green trees is a product of sea/air/light pollution from the Singapore industry. And it holds memories of better-yet-not-so-better times of pounding up its slopes. An exhausting climb up, but a rewarding sight. I visited the place much less frequently in 2007, hopefully more in 2008.

Es decided he would rather spend the final hours of 2007 with 'people he used to know' rather than 'people he doesn't know', so countdown was spent at Christine's professors funky shophouse at Mount Sophia, a small gathering of 8 girls and 1 guy. JY created the first drama of 2008 by hugging me, pulling me earring and then spilling champagne. Post-cleaning-up-the-carpet, the New Year greetings resumed. I shamelessly asked everyone to hug me a better year, and 'Have a better year, please' they all said. So I'm trying to look only forward. =)

Minutes after settling into the 2008, we reminisced upon our younger days by playing card games and charades. At five thirty am, I accomplished my first 'first' of 2008- getting acquainted with the roads along Kallang, Mountbattan, Serangoon and all other 'ulu' places because we got lost driving.

'Okay, I think I probably have rather poor sense of direction at times.'
'No you HAVE a poor sense of direction.'

Then I did something rather impulsively (excuses again!) as I drove home, then slept the morning of the new year away.

Happy New Year.

I shall now take a long shower to wash off old sins.