Happy Coffee

Yesterday, Ray confirmed that my belief that coffee makes me happy is not some kind of psychological placebo effect.

Apparantly, coffee really triggers the release of happy chemicals. Ray himself has experienecd it - the uncharacteristic chirpiness, and in his words 'suddenly offering to help everyone in the office do everything', after consuming coffee in the morning. 

And, seems like its not the caffeine itself, since tea does not have the same effect. 

Interesting. But am still trying to cut caffeine. Haven't touched Red Bull in some time. 

On a sidenote, I ran 4km this morning and had to stop to walk! But, while walking, I met Terry Tong. So surprised! He was on his way to the guild house gym, miss him!

Ran again today at Upper Pierce. Almost wanted to run to Bishan Park after that, but laziness stopped me. Oh well, soon enough I'm going to be FIT again!

Life feels like a big void these days. Wake up, try to get work done, wait til its time to get to bed... somedays I wish I could sleep the whole day away. I'm always frustrated, always filled with discontent, wondering why my life is the way it is. But, how else? Life doesn't get all thrilling just by the click of a button.

This totally brings to mind the how Yes-Man, where Jim Carrey had to say yes to everything, and his life got better. Yes to change, yes to helping others, yes to meeting friends... haha. Quite a ridiculous show, but utterly hilarious.

But of course, I am not about to be Yes-Woman. It will entail me doing many things I'd never approve of.

I guess, with the source which I have relied upon for every thing gone, what can I expect.

Suddenly, I feel like I need to do something wild, crazy... and laugh til my stomach hurts. It's been a long time.

But there are things to be done... like, getting FOCUSED. I hate doing important things!

I have many

Emo things which I could write about, but feel like I can't. Many, many, many. Really, the things that go on in my head sometimes, causes so much grief. I grief over people, myself, the state of things. But in all things we can't change, its always acceptance. 

I ran at Pierce today with a new friend. Good to finally run again, but I'm also disgusted by how unfit I am again. When I reached into Pierce, I was really panting. The run out was much smoother though, probably due to dramatically reduced speed. 

I spent quite a lot of today practising piano, mainly to numb myself from any other senseless things which occupy my mind. At least that was quite productive, unlike-

THESIS. I MUST get a proposal up tomorrow. I feel like I'm letting Prof Lee down if I don't get myself back up to speed. =( I'm disappointed with myself as it is. Really, contrary to popular belief, I am this wobbly thing who lives on inertia and procrastination. 

Procrastination, and wallowing- these are the two biggest things that hold us back from living. But all so easy. Yesterday, Terry and i were talking about facing our emotions rather than letting them just swell up inside, til it erupts. But, there's also a very fine line between embracing them and letting it out, and wallowing. Like the line between accepting the things we can't change, and simply using acceptance as an excuse. 

Til this day, I am sometimes tempted to wallow. But I must not. 

Anyway, to continue my year's reflection- 

Well, I was the President of Nuspe. Actually, still am, and will still be. It's something difficult to actually reflect upon, since some of my comm members actually bother to read my blog, and I don't quite know what to make of it sometimes. But in all honesty, I have yet to regret it. It was my chance to contribute to Nuspe, and also live out some of the things I always believed about working with others. It was an exercise of delegation, but I also saw how stressful delegation can be (yes, it's more difficult than it seems!). It was filled with E-mails, E-mails and some more E-mails. But at the end of the day, I think I see it as an expression of gratitude to my piano teacher as well, running his ensemble for him. I made a few good friends along the way... and hopefully, my comm enjoys working together, that's my personal KPI, haha. 

Since I'm the topic of work... I guess my academic performance is really back on track, after a lapse during one really bad sem last year. But in all honesty, since I left JC, these things have ceased to be important to me. Just an avenue to get somewhere else I guess. They don't make me happy, though I guess... (and here's the greatest irony), they could potentially make me really unhappy. The paradoxical situation where doing well doesn't seem meaningful, but not doing well can be like a stab right at your self esteem. 

Anyway, at the end of the day,  I am proud to say that I've been true to myself. I've enjoyed the things I do at school... and put in the effort to them, simply because... I like them. If there's anything I learnt at business school, it's really this- that we can change our attitudes and things instantly become more enjoyable. Less painful. And possibly, everything we ever wanted. 

I sound like Ms. Goody Two Shoes. 

In secret, I'm far from nice and goody. I've a very bitchy, and vengeful heart. But anyway, there's some goody two shoes whom I know many have LOTS to learn from!

Enough Slacking

I, Lee Cheng Wei, henceforth swears to run everyday this week.

Taking Stock

We supposedly count our blessings at the end of the year and make resolutions when the new year start. So arbitrary, but we all succumb to it. So have I, except I already know my resolutions. The holiday season of decadence (by my standards, pertaining to certain things unspoken about), relative bleakness (didn't do much) and the boring routine of work has already made me start looking at what on earth I'm doing, and what I should be doing. 

I have really let myself slacken and degenerate. This holidays... besides work, I haven't had the energy or drive to achieve much. It's always like this, and it leaves me so disappointed with myself. My thesis isn't even settled yet and I really having been giving much of a damn =(. Sigh, I just have to force myself. Really disgusted at the amount of time wasted. It's the last important thing I have to do in uni, so I guess it's time to actually pull up my socks and work towards something. All my uni life I have been wandering, letting things be, and taking things for granted. Really, however well I may do, its just not that meaningful since I always just let things be. I look, and ask myself, what is it that I achieved in school which I actually worked so hard towards that I deserved it? 

Many people I think deserve so many things. If I could, I'd give it to them. Really. I feel happy when good people get the good things in life.

So, resolutions part (why wait til 2009 to start?)- 

1. Reduced my caffeine intake-

Winston keeps pointing out that I drink so much (well, to him, one cup a day is already A LOT and ABNORMAL, which I disagree). And I think... it's really bad. Somedays, the moment I wake up, I get a headache, and whether it is because of caffeine or not, I assume it is and head to down a cup. And more often than not, I drink more during the day. I think I'll try to cut to max. one caffienated drink a day. Maybe I should have a caffine free day in future, like coffeeless Sunday... but I don't know if I can handle that right now.

2. I've been trying forever, but still BE MORE NEAT, ORGANIZED, CLEAN AND TIDY. I swear my room's in a much better state now, but can be better. One day I'm going to be like Bree in Desperate Housewives. Absolutely perfect in tip top condition at all times, haha!

3. GYM AND RUN- that's my resolution every year, and they're important things to me. And I had to make it again this year because.... since I fell sick two weeks ago, I have only exercised once. I can't believe just two weeks ago I was running up to 12km a day and now, I'm full of inertia just because I stopped when I was sick. Haven't seen the gym in weeks either. 

4. Start being more motivated with school. Its not that I want to be a superwoman and achieve a million things and a string of As. Those are not important to me, but I think it's probably important that I have some sort of an ambitious streak and approach the things I do with some drive. Instead of the same old complacency, inertia, and general 'whatever, heck' attitude.

5. Finish off my term with NUSPE properly. I guess the first half when well, much thanks to a remarkable comm, and an exceptional VP. Hopefully I pull it off well in the second half. I'm really so grateful to my comm... I'm sure it could have been a harder job (not that it isn't hard enough sometimes) if not for them. Probably owe it to them to continue getting the job done. Though sometimes, I just want to ... slack. Delegate away then slack and heck. But I've also learnt that delegating isn't that easy a job... 

6. Pass my piano diploma... that's not the real resolution, the real underlying resolution is what I need to do to get there... i.e. improve my ability at the piano (which also entails much more patience). Which leads to other things like putting up a good show at Touch with Sooty. 

7. Take better care of myself. In all ways. Someone once told me that I can take care of the whole world but myself. 

There are a few other resolutions I feel compelled to make, but they're private.

Anyway, it's been a ride of a year. As with all years, there're certain really great things (though not spectecular), but also horrifying events. I am just especially thankful for a few people who came into my life in the year. Ban, Nic, Jiayuan... some of the people who gave me the most support ever. Sooty, who makes me laugh quite a bit. And to some extent, Terry - a colleague from Futurebrand whom I might not always talk to, but is one of those whom I meet and believe deserve the good things in life. And also Erwin, who I occassionally bitch about life to, and is always there (can't believe we used to hate each other). I've had a few excellent project mates, and I got to work on CP with Winston, my relatively long time friend from business. Well, a few other people really made a difference to my life at different points too.

Unfortunately, at this point, when I look back at the year, the most striking thing is the lost of someone who was one of the people closest to me, ever. (Just to clarify, no one died). It was one of those people whom I always assumed I'd never fall out with, and forever share a great friendship with. Someone always there, whom I trusted with my life. Sadly, we fell out (by my own definition), twice over the year. And when it happened over no fault of mine, I felt completely betrayed, and blamed it on myself. Thankfully, it eventually became clear to me that sometimes, people just act in the worst ways, and we can't force them to change. And sometimes, we just have to give, without expecting anything in return. And forgive, without expecting anything in return. 

But for now, after so long, and making excuses... I am finally. ANGRY. Not in a raging way, just really disappointed, and really delayed anger. And those who know me also know that I'm rarely angry... and its just really bizarre that I've truly forgiven, but am now angry. Maybe its just pride. Blah. 

They say a leopard never changes its spots, but I still hope otherwise. The person in question has lost my respect, but I still care deeply enough to pray that he/she learns one day. And that life treats him/her well eventually. 

I also have come to see that sometimes, shit happens, and we just have to suck it up. Without being too bitter and cynical about the unfairness of it all. Strength comes from accepting what you can't change.

Well, that sums up one major event of the year. More in a bit. For now, I'd like to settle into bed, and follow through the resolve to treat myself well by resting.

Ban and f.r.i.e.n.d.s

Soup Spoon with BanBan

5th of March... erm, birthday of someone i used to know.

Anyway, I have a few good friends from my JC class, a few good friends from Uni, and also, a very special clique of girlfriends from Nanyang. They're sometimes not around, but we're always there for each other and that's what I love best about these girls - the support, and the comfort in the knowledge that at the end of the day, we stand by each other (I hope!). =) Anyway, it is also our yearly tradition to gather on 23rd Dec, to gossip, to take pictures, to be together... and lately, to catch up (given that its hard to get all of us together at the same time). 

So this year, we gathered at Holland V. Jingyi, Elayne, Amanda and myself. Christine's in Beijing =(=( but she called us! And there's Pepper somewhere in the UK. Really enjoyed the evening, though some of us (well, ME) were really tired...and both Elayne and Jingyi were in purple! Well, Amanda was in purple too... in discreet ways.

Jingyi

Elayne and Amanda

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

sleepless in singapore

I was interrupted from my sleep by a phone call, and... now I cannot sleep.

Being tired and unable to sleep leaves me depressed. Sometimes I look at all the things people tell me I've supposedly achieved, and ask myself if they stand for anything when they don't make me happy at all.

And yet, there's nothing else I can think of that I rather be doing. Its all very... 

Pathetic. Meow. 

Sorry. It's just that things keep seeming... blah lately. For no good reason. Time to do some soul searching and prep myself for the new year.

Lemon, Berry and Ban in the house!

I'm really glad my DEH Nicholas Lemon Cheong is back in Singapore, safely and soundly. =) I don't think I have mentioned this before, but somehow Ban ban has become Nic's friend as well. Simply by buying us garden veggies to the biz library last semester... just like that, and viola, they're suddenly best buddies (who want to make a movie about me called Singapore Jungle).

So, Ban, Nic and I went out last night. It's quite kinda funny... they were on the phone with each other in the MRT when they both heard the sound of the door closing and realized they were in the same train!

Nic informed Ban that we only take 'stupid photos', which is very true.

Happy family.

This stupid pose began when I tried on a supposedly really 'sweet' dress, and Nic said I have to lift a foot up to complement it.

I don't know what they are doing...

Happy Family 2.

Erm, ribbon fettish, ha.

Anyway, it was an entertaining night. Ban becomes even more lame when he is around the lemon. (Or should I say lame-n). What made the night even better (and worst), was that all three of us got our meals at Delifrance free. The service was so attrocious that the manager insisted she waive charges. And I only complained because no one wanted to give us the bill, and I decided to walk up to the manager and ask for it. Anyway, the service lapses were just terrible. I shall just share what really blew it for me...

When Ban and Nic wanted their ice lemon tea refilled, the waiter actually asked, 'Do you mind if your cups are mixed up?' Incredulous- isn't it his duty to assume people do mind and return them their own cups? And when they took our glasses to refill, they just stacked them into each other, filled them with water and served it to us. Gross!

Had lunch with CheongCheong again today. It was great finally having some time to really chat about stuff and catch up, albeit really short. Suddenly I feel so appreciative of my friend, lol. =)

Bored

I am still sick and missing my run/gym. =(

Of late, I've been bored. In fact, this has been going on for some time. Things, events, and (some) people bore me. I've developed an apathy to most things, and my own apathy bores me. Even TV is beginning to bore me, ever since the couple of weeks when I was on online television overdose. (then again, it might be just be the fact that I watched so much that there's no more desperate housewives/lipstick jungle episodes available online).

I was just telling Yuan Xin that I find myself to be a most boring person. I'm not very into all the 'in' stuff that youthful and energetic people are supposedly into -1.Kbox: Only been there with friends on a few occasions, but I wouldn't even propose it because I don't enjoy it.
2.Clubbing: Totally past it.
3. Drinking with friends: Have not touched alcohol for two years and I no longer allow anyone to pressure me into drinking just because everyone my age does it, or because it's fun to get 'high' (what high, I see no high when I feel so tired after that)
3. Xbox, Wii, PlayStation: I don't understand video/computer games, Wii was one the one time I tried it, but not engaging enough, PlayStation? I've never seen a PS in my life and couldn't care less.
4. Reading girl-magazines - cleo, vogue, 8days and what nots: I'd browse them if they were around, but most of the time, I don't like them enough to be willing to pay up to $10. I would call them 'toilet-stuff' - i.e. Something I'd read because I'm bored in the loo, haha. No offence to fans of Cleo and the likes... I see nothing wrong in them, they're perfectly fine, but just not quite among my interests. If I want to check out fashion, I rather go out and go shopping to see the real stuff.
5. There's probably a whole long list more which I have yet to know about because I'm just not into them and therefore, do not keep myself updated.

So the things I do? Hang out with really good friends, watch funny movies, play piano,teach piano, listen to classical music and other interesting stuff (well, okay, I still listen to new stuff on Power 98 and all when I'm running, but somehow the new stuff just aren't impressive),read BusinessWeek when I receive my copy when I get home on the weekends, practice piano, gym, jog, watch some dramas... they're boring, simple, plain stuff which I probably can't strike a conversation about.

But I'm perfectly fine with doing them... because, they're just me. I'd probably bore myself by tring to un-bore myself and engage in Playstation and what nots. I guess there are a couple of things I should start doing again though... which never used to bore me, and shouldn't now...

Like reading. It's been ages since I sat down to read. So many books sitting on the shelf waiting for me, but it just doesn't happen. I remmeber the days when I loved to read... even when it was some bimbotic shopaholic-series-type books. It helped past time and it was something I could do anytime (yes, including toilet time!).

Somehow, as time passes, I got into this routine of spending my free time on the internet... surfing god knows what. i'm not even much of an internet surfer! When time could have been spent reading, or actually doing something more productive.

Oh well, here's a bored rant coz I'm kinda taking a break from work now - because I was bored.

I've made *most* of my Christmas cards. This year, I decided to make them myself on photoshop. It's nicer, and saves people the trouble of reading my illegible handwriting (which, btw, I am very proud of because I think it looks nice)... almost done, and I'm really proud of my cards. All personalized!

If anyone is planning on buying me a christmas present this year, I need a new metronome. One that will last me for a long time. My digital one totally conked out after awhile. What else do I need... besides a JOB... actually, I already have everything I need and more, so I should be content with just that!

This has been a really sickly weekend. Spent most of it pretty sedentary, and being upset that I can't run. =( Nevertheless, the sickness forced me to stay home and practice piano. I have so many things to prepare for - Jupiter (SootyCat, WHEN ARE YOU EVER PRACTISING WITH ME AGAIN?), Da Capo at Esplanade Library (my Grieg is in absolute shambles), and a 15 minute recital for Mizuho Bank's new year party (have to learn new pieces because they want Japanese music and popular, happy classical music). It's really frustrating to be practising so many things at a go because while playing one piece, I'm already thinking about how there are so many other scores sitting around waiting to be practised. Think I'll stay at home this whole week so that I can practise every morning and night again.

And then, I suddenly realized, I am indeed better. After all these while, finally things are slowly looking up. I've come to realized, forgiveness entails letting go of past injustices without condition, or expectations. If my forgiveness is accompanied by any conditions, its merely a mask for vengeance. The right thing is always hard to do, but that's what I want for myself. Surely, I hope all unhappiness heals and come to a nice closure, but if it doesn't, I'll accept that its the way things are, and its no fault of mine. After all, I deserve better, than to grieve over someone else's childish failures.

Welcome home Cheong Cheong!

WHINE- Sick. Sore throat again. I guess, all the biscuits during work and tom yum got to me. Today was bad... my throat was hurting, but I still had to drag my arse down to Curtis to teach piano to little kids. Was so tempted to cancel, but I already missed last week's lesson!Teaching was fun... my three favourite kids (out of 4) came, so it made teaching less torturous. My most difficult student didn't turn up, and I was internally jumping for joy.

Well, and the good news is, NicNic is coming back tomorrow! So happy! Really missed my best friend in Biz School through this whole semester so much! Life is just not as fun without someone to laugh with me, drink coffee in the lib with, and just go totalLEE crazy. Welcome home cheong cheong when you see this! Berry and Lemon reunited, happy ending to the fruit story.

Gosh, just the fact that my crapping partner is on his way back on a plane now is making me more crappy already.

This week has been alright I guess. CP completed... caught up a bit with Kebs over dinner... met Linda for lunch... stayed over at Mouse's place last night... and had dinner with Erwin and his buddy Wee Siong last night, which made me laugh til my cheeks hurt.

Oh, a visit to Mizuho Bank yesterday afternoon showed me how un-adept I am to cultural differences. Just to give some background to this, thanks to the business school admin staff, I've gotten myself landed with the honour to put up a short recital at Mizuho Bank's new year party. So, yesterday, I made a trip over during lunch to collect some scores which they wished me to consider playing....but no, I was caught by surprise when the lady I was supposed to meet (Miya) led me to a room with sofas, bowed at me, and served me tea. And she spent the next half an hour making courteous conversation with me, praising me (for god knows what) and telling me about the event. She was so polite and formal that I felt a bit out of place... small little me being served tea in a big bank! And when I thought it was over, she said, 'My boss is coming to meet you now'. And then it was yet another round of formalities, pleasant talk, praises about how special I am because of the bank's special relationship with business school... and when I left, the boss and walked me all the way out, and bowed at me from outside as the lift door closed. Which made me want to cry at how helpless I felt being treated like that.

Haha, I'm not complaining... I was really impressed by how polite the Japanese are. I have long heard and read abot it, but have never experienced it to such a degree. An eye opener, I have to say. Which also means... I better be more prepared for the event. God knows what embarassing things I might do due to my lack of similar standards of politeness...

shagged

Had dinner with BanBan at Marches today. It was a nice, super cold evening. Sorry I was so tired Ban...but the food was nice.

And I was so shagged because... I have barely slept in the past two nights. Started the non-stop CP since Friday evening...I usually spend Saturday afternoons practising all the way til lesson time, but last Saturday afternoon, I barely practised. I was churning out chapters after chapters of statistical findings on petrol kiosks... After piano lesson, it was back to CP until Sunday morning... went to teach piano, then had CP meeting...

After CP meeting, I was in major panic. So many things to write, and so little time. I wrote and wrote and wrote from last night (no, actually I spent a lot of time actually thinking about how best to present some stuff)... fell asleep for about four hours at 5am, and wrote until 2pm today. 

And throughout last night, I kept thinking I was just going to burn out, breakdown, and panic at any moment. Of course I didn't have time to do anything like that, but I really had that tight feeling in my chest - the sensation that a major panic attack was going to strike any moment. Just kept telling myself to stay calm and keep writing, which I did.

But that's not the point. What I keep wondering is, why do I always allow myself to actually start panicking and think I can't make it? When I have always emerged absolutely fine. When I always know I will complete my work at the end. It's strange. I know I can do it, and yet I still freak out. It's sheer irrationality. 

And when I emerge safe, sound and sane, I tell myself I've been so lucky all my life. 

Oh, I really have to thank my DEH NicNic CheongCheong this time round. For all the encouragement all the way from Canada, and reminders to keep my cool. Thanks so much. Come back now! 

meow

Meow is my sheepish sound. I meow with a sheepish look. 

Discipline, discipline and more discipline. I'm always striving for it, but always lacking. Which piano lesson once again reminded me off today. Discipline in practise regime, discipline in doing the things I set out to do each day, discipline in handling my personal life. What can I do, but keep trying. 

Discipline to do the long run every saturday! Anyway, isn't this nice. Its the view at upper pierce reservor when you finally overcome the slopes on the long road in, and actually see the water. So in awhile, I'll be running there again. Maybe I should just do the reservoir twice today. Instead of going to Bishan Park. 

I really meant to blog about this, but didn't have time. I lately discovered that Howl at the Moon has opened in Singapore! Dragged poor Sooty (well, it's not my fault that he refused to make a choice as to which movie to watch and thus, gave up his freedom of choice) to check it out on Tuesday evening. I was really surprised to see two pianos there! Duo piano rock and roll. I would say it's not bad, especially if there is a sizable crowd that is suitably drunk (it was bare on tuesday night), and even more so if you love the type of music they do. Not my type, but still, I'm biased towards pianos. Anyone wants to go with me again? Preferably on a more exciting night. 

So much work to do, especially CONSULTING PRACTICUM, which is due on wed. Sighness. Then again, it's the last lap. I regret all the times I slacked. 

Concurrently - internship work, practising Jupiter and a million other things (supposed to play for some Japanese bank's new year party on behalf of biz school), spending time to work on my technique at the piano (like, REALLY do it patiently), thesis (!!!ahh!!!)... 

And of course run and gym like there's no tomorrow. Maybe it's a good thing my friends are away, don't need to spend time catching up, haha. But I miss them all...cheongcheong, and mr goh, come back already!

Watched its my life with my fave Nanyang babes yest! 

And soots and ban!

At Asian Civilization Museum Student Leaders Networking Event with Winston (see his slim tie!) and Boon. 

That's it. I've tried, I got my answer, and closure. I am going forward.  And I will pick myself up. Whatever it takes.