I sit and look out upon all the sorrows of the world, and upon all
oppression and shame;
I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men, at anguish with
themselves, remorseful after deeds done;
I see, in low life, the mother misused by her children, dying,
neglected, gaunt, desperate;
I see the wife misused by her husband--I see the treacherous seducer
of young women;
I mark the ranklings of jealousy and unrequited love, attempted to be
hid--I see these sights on the earth;
I see the workings of battle, pestilence, tyranny--I see martyrs and
prisoners;
I observe a famine at sea--I observe the sailors casting lots who
shall be kill'd, to preserve the lives of the rest;
I observe the slights and degradations cast by arrogant persons upon
laborers, the poor, and upon negroes, and the like;
All these--All the meanness and agony without end, I sitting, look
out upon,
See, hear, and am silent.
Deep down in my heart, I know why. But I resist, and refuse.
It's a sad day. Besides sending my parents to the airport, I had to send my auntie's maid too (who is my maid's sister-in-law). Her husband aruptly died of cardiac arrest in his sleep (no signs of illness before that) and she's going back for good. Somehow, I feel rather affected by this. It's just tragic. She has been here for some time, and has two kids back home. How must it be for the kids, to see their father go, and not have their mother around? And for her? Working in Singapore, trying to provide for the family, only to never see her husband again. I just felt so down thinking about it.
When I picked her up from my aunt's place, I discovered she had to cope with yet another loss, on top of things back home which must be occupying her mind. She has grown attached to my aunt's family, especially the three children, whom she has been taking care off since they were just infants. And she has to leave them, all so suddenly.
=(
I've been troubled by other things to. My dearest friend who's going through a difficult time. I can't say much, but only listen. For I think I understand. After all, I have been through it, in my own ways.
And the state of affairs has been sorely disappointing to me. And above all, beyond everything that has happened, it's just so sad. Maybe I treat others too seriously, and there lies my weakness. And so, when they have to make an exit from my life, I grieve over old times.
I don't think I'll find such a person in my life ever again. Nor will I let myself, for its just too difficult.
Today, both NicNic and Jiayuan called from Canada and Sweden respectively. I miss them so much. Somehow, life is a tad lonelier and sadder without them to talk to at any time. =(
Sometimes we just have to learn to deal. alone. I'm learning, trying.
Sooty said that it doesn't count when I blog about him because he said he wants me to. I have to do it out of my ___________ (fill in the blank). In that blank was the word Sooty tried so hard to find, but could not articulate - it is not heart, sincerity, whim, fancy, desire, wish.
It was one of his three lapses of vocabulary for the day, so I thought its worthy enough to blog about.
More about Sooty - Today, we practiced together in the AR and we started doing our own private imitation of our other Nuspe performers. HAHAHA. And then converted my Chopin solo into a six hands by playings the left-hand part with two hands while I played the right. And then into a choral piece by having us sing the outer voices while I played the inner voice. And then did a pseudo Mars - i.e. I play what I remember, Sooty play the same note over and over again.
It was hilarious.
So here concludes my post about Sooty.
Oh must add: Me: Who are you! Sooty: I am Sooty! Sooty: Who are you not? Me: I am not sooty!
(okay, private joke. But people interested to know can e-mail me at iamnotsooty@gmail.com)
Teaching (piano) today was rather fulfilling, seeing improvements in two of my kids. I've a really nice student called Aline and she can never remember my name - today, she went, ' bye miss vanessa... no miss veronica, no, miss Helen...' And later, she popped back in and said 'BYE MISS LEE!!!' Haha.
I feel tremendously guilty. As I have been sick AND LAZY. So I used sickness as an excuse not to do work. And I have not exercised in a few days, OMG. Guilt, guilty, guilt. Feel like I'm getting less fit by the second and about to wilt away.
Why I act(ed) like such a bitch, I don't know. I have over time become someone I have always strived not to be, consumed by pride, and my own world, ideas, feelings. I'll promise to stop.
Be it lovers, friends, or family. When they leave, you have to get over it, and getting over is never easy. Its a stab on your pride, an admission of being powerless over our external world - for we can't control who leaves-
And leaves a void behind. Some voids are easily filled, or need no filling. Some voids, are forever void. For memory guards it selfishly, long after its owner has left.
On other news, my laptop crashed. Along with ALL the data. Also, I am feeling so sick, and guilty for not exercising and doing work for two days. Sigh!
A select group of people who know me well enough will know why these are very special pictures. Very rare indeed.
Winston and I outside LT17, the place we met during FNA class.... and the start of a practical, mututally parasitic relationship consisting of free car rides (me), and textbook exchange (him), tutorial tuition (him).
Its the same old chronic cycle of confusion, cries, and sheer craziness. It's been a long time since I've had complete peace within, with.
So many times I'm tempted to retreat into my own world, cry out, walk out- yet, with-out comes loneliness, shame, hurt. And lately, fear. I'm so many fears, about myself, about others. And above all, the fear of abandonment and abandoning.
I've been changed. I no longer dare trust, dare speak/act with abandonment. I fear judgement, annoyance and, I fear the loss. I once led a very quiet, dangerous life, by myself. And then I learnt to let it out, to let others in. Apparantly I've learnt to well. Maybe its time to fade back, fade away, and be forgotten-
Yet, what's done is done. What's forgiven has been, truly, sincerely. And yet, only time will tell if I'm made to forgive, and forget.
There was a time, not too long ago, I thought I had seen the light. I believed I enjoyed life, I loved myself, others and the things I did. I thought things had finally turned around. Now, the things I love, I still love and enjoy. But never in the same way because-
Yesterday was Nuspe's concertino (an internal concert serving as a platform for people to perform what they like)! I helped Julien (from France!) and Wu Yue (from China) prepare and we also played a short six hands one piano work together. Apparantly, most people thought our six hands was cute! =) And I'm really proud of their duet item, 'The Entertainer', especially Wu Yue, who was worried she would not be able to improvise or remember what I told her. It turned out really well!
This is my picture from the Tapestry concert. So intent! LOL
Some of the new guy members of NUSPE. I edited this photo and I like the effect!
T - T. Get it? Terry Tong. Met him and Nicole for lunch on Tuesday after my p&g test. I like Terry! He was my colleague at FutureBrand (but I was SLIGHTLY senior since he joined after I joined as an intern) and he's really nice!
And my new duo partner is... SOOTYcat!
I admit it. I've a problem - I'm an exercise whore, a slave to the concept of being fit enough (which is never ever). I ruminate over exercise all the time - Do I have time to exercise today, what if I'm too tired later, what if I can't exercise, if I don't gym today does it mean I become less fit instantly, if I don't run does it mean I'm losing stamina, if I'm more tired when I run today, it must mean I have become SO LOUSY! In fact, sometimes, I think about exercise so much that I realized I could have jsut gone out and finished exercising in that time.
And I've given up on changing - at least I don't go on crazy exercise sprees, and run longer and longer, as I used to do (back in JC), and time myself. But I just HAVE to feel fit by making sure I get to exercise regularly. That's why I start feeling really lousy during the weekends when I'm at home and I don't exercise. To solve the problem, I have taken to sleeping a bit earlier, and waking up at 6+am everyday to run and gym for an hour or so - at least I get exercising out of the way right from the start, and i can focus on other things throughout the day!
I guess it's fine. I've learnt to exercise in moderation - run 4km, gym a bit, or swim like 15 laps. Speaking of swimming, I went swimming yesterday, and suddenly, I couldn't do my freestyle AGAIN. Throat was feeling a bit sick, and for some reason, when my throat is uncomfortable, I awlays feel sick swimming. And I started getting all self critical about being so unfit because I only swim once a week, blah and blah and blah. Okay, I do have a problem, haha. Used to it.
Goodnight! In view of constant urge to exercise and need for discipline, I'm fully determined to wake up at 6am everyday to run... to get rid of exercise distraction early in the day, and facilitate discipline.
I guess I've been lucky in my life to gain some things, and therefore, have to lose some. No one has it all, right?
In recent times, I've lost a lot. One big blow, and then somemore. From yesterday til now, I received two pieces of bad news. Things I've been hoping badly for (maybe in some desperate hope for some kind of temporary compensation for the pain I feel), and worked for.
And suddenly, I've fears of more blows, in months to come. Such insecurity I'm predisposed to, and lately, things seem to be telling me that they are not just insecurities, but cold hard truths.
That I am just not good enough.
That can't be it right?
And yet, it nags and nags.
Today, as I settled into the long bus ride home, I had a moment of sadness, as I have been having lately, when left to my own devices. I just took out my book, and read.
The core, that's a very precious thing, but I didn't guard it well. And the disappointment just stings.
Last night, I KNEW I would stop doing anything productive the moment I left the library and came back to pgp. And true enough, I started feeling unhappy with myself and stuff, and went to sleep at midnight, filled with guilt - I live a life of guilt. No work = guilty, no exercise = guilty, no piano = guilty. For me, the opposite of the word 'guilt' is 'self-expectations'.
Anyway, having not moved a bit yesterday, I swore to wake at 6am today to run. I climbed out of bed at 6:30am, had a can of red bull (to kid myself into thinking i'd be definitely more energised) and thus more willing to run... and checked my e-mail. I saw a mail 'sich selbst lieben' and I almost deleted it, thinking it was spam. Thank goodness I know some German and understood the title. Someone from nuspe sent me a note of encouragement, and I was really touched. =)
Anyway, I'm feeling better now. I ran 8km (I can't believe the sun was blazing by 7:30am) and then gymmed a bit. May I ache non-stop through the day and revel in the satisfaction. Mmmm.
Sich Selbst Lieben
You have the right to love yourself.
You are allowed to be yourself, feel comfortable with yourself, discover and know yourself, like a man knows his lover.
Nothing will enable you to love others, except to love yourself. Hence every action of self-love is a guide that brings you closer to others.
It is important that you leave time for yourself. Love needs time to develop. If there is no time, neglect will follow, and when you neglect yourself, you lose yourself. And when you lose yourself, you lose the ability to love others.
When love grows, so does your imagination. You will develop new ideas about whom you really are, or who you would like to be.
You will discover the worlds inside you that you can conquer during your imaginative journey; You will sense your value and your potential unleashed.
The more you know yourself, the more creative is your love. Watch it take shape and enable you to love others in different ways.
But it is not always easy to love yourself. You will also see your dark side more clearly, recoil from them, refuse and deny them, and believe that they do not belong to you.
But they too are you and you must accept them as a part of you, as a part of your active life. They belong to you too. Only when you accept this part of yourself, understand it thoroughly, and take actions to deal with it, then will you be able to accept this part of others.
Thus this is what you need to do before you can love others.
Only the man who loves himself will not pamper himself. Indulgence is bad. Selfish is the man who has nothing and is tempted to seize everything by force, though he will always end up with less.
But he will give himself to others and gain spiritual wealth in the process when he loves himself.
Yep, time to do what's right for myself. And I need a break.
The sky around PGP suddenly looked very nice this evening...
Gymmed with Ban Ban. I AM SO PATHETIC ON THE THREADMILL. I meant to run 5km, but stopped at 4.5 km. I figured I have no motivation on the threadmill because the option of stopping is there. When I'm outside, I just have to finish running... to get back. I also went swimming today! Amazingly, I managed to go six laps continuously, free style! (I really suck at freestyle). I've never gone beyond two.
This was my partner who played Norwegian Dance No.2 with me. Amazingly, we were perfectly coordinated (to my knowledge) during the actual thing!
Jingyi and I at Esplanade. We watched Abbamania together. Abba rocks!
I'm both amazed and disgusted. Amazed becasue its not THREE hours and disgusted coz... well last year I took 2 hr 3o min when I trained. All the more to run again next year!
Here's a video of my practice session. I really love this song, it's my favourite piece ever. I was a bit disappointed with my playing, though no one complained. It was fine, but I know I was at a better standard slightly earlier on. I just have to blame the cold temperature for making my fingers all numb, so I deliberately played at a significantly slower tempo. But I admit nerves played a part. I actually forgot a chord, and knew I forgot - thank goodness I made up a note press down and it sounded nice.
One thing after another. This has been a very unproductive week. I'm truly disappointed with myself. At least piano lesson went good.
I'm tempted to do horrible things, but obligation and guilt hold me back.
Woke up this morning, dragged myself to gym, if only for a bit. Just to get my endorphins up and racing. You know what I need?
Caffeine, caffeine.
I ran for 1.6km on the threadmill and I thought I was dying already. In TEN MINUTES somemore, not even fast. Shame on threadmill. Shame on me who can't run on threadmill. Shame on me!
I try to practice separatism and comparmentalize everything to be taken out and stored at any point of time. And can only pray for God's presence in every gap.
Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing or not. For some reason, I need to exercise to make myself happy. Missed running yesterday because I felt sick even while swimming. Today, I just gymmed and ran. Just 4km, but I feel relieved, and calm.
Exercising makes me feel calm, steady, and in control of everything. That's what it does for me.
But there are also times I can't even drag my butt to exercise. =S
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