So they say, 'It's all in the mind'...

But no one ever said that it is easy.

I can't help it that I feel so ordinary, inconsequential, unspecial sometimes, but am too unspecial to undo that.
I can't help it that I wished my life was more happening, more eventful, more exciting... but when everything comes to a pass, I conclude that they are all temporary highs, deceiving, meaningless.
I can't help it that sometimes I look back on the past, knowing it can't be undone, but am scared to stop looking back.
I can't help it that sometimes I feel so alone, left behind... and adverse to company at the same time.
I can't help it that I tell myself that 'it's all in the mind', but can't help thinking that it's just one big attempt kid myself, and that the mind is always sick.
And of course, I can't help it that saying 'I can't help it' is yet another state of the mind, which I impose on myself.

Second week into school, and everything turns dreary again, monotonous... apart from the conscious, valiant attempts to tell myself everything is okay, everything is fine, everything is in the mind. On the flip side, I realized that perhaps, I do have some friends, if I let them be my friend, be a friend myself. But it feels all so pointless, when you seem to be losing it, losing one of your oldest, dearest friends, and are too sensitive, upset, petty to try to do anything about it. Then you tell yourself, 'Why should I be the one.' I feel like such a bitch sometimes, but I can't help it (so many things I can't help!) that mean, evil, horrible thoughts do run through my head. Look, that I can't help. I can tell myself to cut those thoughts once they pop out in my head, but I can't prevent them from popping out in the first place.

Sigh I feel so bad.

So Muscle and Fitness War has ended today! Though I got bored halfway through, I've to admit that it was quite an eye opener, being the first time I've actually watched a bodybuilding competition. I kind of imagined them to be a semi-catwalk thing, with big bulky guys strutting around, flexing their muscles a few times, and then sauntering off. Like models, just really scary ones. Yea, but today, I was looking at the competitors on stage, and realized that it is probably quite exhausting to stand, flex and pose on stage... most of them returned backstage pretty breathless, didn't know it was that tiring to flex your muscles, oh well. But as Kai and some others said, the most exciting part was probably the music. Much as I don't understand bodybuilders, I think they probably do deserve quite a lot of credit. Besides, it was one of the few times (almost) the entire HnF com was together, and it was nice to be able to get to talk to some people more, including Kai who kindly agreed to emcee with me. =)

Oh yea, how could I forget, I also can't help that I absolutely do not feel like starting on my tutorials. I'm probably blogging because it's better than the thought of doing tutorials. In the past, I was surrounded by incredibly capable, driven people... it could have been mutually competitive, but it didn't feel that way, and it didn't take much for me to want to work, for the sake of it. Now, everything feels so much more competitive... and yet, I don't want to do my tutorials, I'm determined to have more of a life that does not revolve around school, I want to slack, I don't feel like working too hard because I think it's not worth it even if I get a CAP of 5.0 (which of course, is never happening, never before, not in the near future, not in the distant future...) and I have actually resolved to watch more TV this semester, read more Gilmore Girls Transcripts, shop more, watch more movies, (maybe) find a part-time job... simply because I don't feel like I want to work hard and am determined to slack a lot.

And this post could have gone on and on and on in my attempt to not do my tutorial... just that I've to start reading Gilmore Girls Season 6 Transcripts.