Late Night Thoughts

I used to think, the perfect situation, ironically so, would be to aspire to be a perfectionist without really being one. The wonderful pseudo pursuit of perfection... to do something pretty well, then letting go just before that perfectionist obsession takes over. Not perfect, but satisfyingly close.

Unfortunately, the demands of time has made this impossible of late. I find myself doing things for the sake of finishing them, just having something to show for, appearing sufficiently responsible. And it makes me feel so bad. I hope I never look back and ask oh, what if? what if I've done this better? What if I've put more effort into that?

Too late. Time is running short. I can only move on to the next thing.

I used to wish I could be more stoical, cold, focused merely on the practical, and I still do, if only just a bit.

While doing my work today, I stopped, and it suddenly occurred to me, maybe I've lost my source of support. And the chain of thoughts came - I've lost one of my most important source of support, where do I go from here? Then I remembered this blog and suddenly realized something - It was borne out of boredom and sleeplessness, but at the end of it... I even needed to start writing because I lost that support.

And I ask, why, after so long? It's not gone, but neither is it the same. But don't you worry, you didn't lose your friend. It's only my loss.

This has never happened before - but I feel so helpless with work that I've lost both my appetite and self-motivation. Sigh. I can't wait for exams! Exams means a few things - no more going to lectures, tutorials, essays are actually DONE (or maybe I decided to allow myself to fail and not do)... holdiays are coming. I want to go on
a vacation, maybe to Narnia Land in NZ, maybe to shop in Bangkok, maybe to see the Great Wall of China... or better still, bring me to France again. But maybe, just cool, quiet Fraser Hill in Malaysia would do, just so I can be still, contemplate, and regain that calm.