I wish

I wish that the only things that mattered to me is what really matters.

Everyone whom I love so much, the piano and its joys, performing with my dearest partner, listening and listening to the music I love, those pretty poems I used to print and paste around, running because I love that andrenaline rush, suppers and coffee with my dearest brother Ray, driving my parents around because it made me feel proud that I could, sitting in awe at what I learn... sharing, giving, smiling.

They are important to me, still there in my heart. Rationally, they are the most important things, but no, that is always the key thing on my mind. I want to let go of my superficiality, forget what is gone, but no! No matter how hard I try, it still matters to me most, when it shouldn't. I could have everything else, but I'd still ask for that. And it makes me feel so very ashmed of myself.

Others have the capacity to step out of their own world, to love, to care, to share... so why not me? I've a selfishness that I know not how to overcome. I once thought I stepped out of it... but that's because I first satisfied my own desires. It was a sham.

I want so hard to love you, you, and YOU, but I can't stop thinking of me, myself and I.

Tonight I looked, and looked, and looked. And felt regret. I envied her, and was jealous of myself. If only she knew, if only I knew.

'Stop thinking about yourself. Why can't you think of others, help others? Play with your dog, feel like you're loving her, doing something for her, caring for something other than yourself.'
It makes so much sense, but I just can't let go.

Sometimes I try to step out, but I lack the sincerity, the earnestness, the love. If anything, it's an act of dissociation, to cover the monster within, to shut out the screaming. Approval, comfort, praise (imagined at times) - I hide beneath them, but I can only hide for so long each time.

I want so hard to take that leap, to step out, and yet I'm not ready to. And I know not how.

Tell me how, how to be better in everything-

everything that really matters.

Take that.

__________________________

But I think I've found someone who understands. Maybe there's a reason after all.

Maybe Facebook has some use besides being a complete distraction. =)