I'm trying to manage...

My expectations.

I've long accepted that it's a foregone conclusion that I can't expect to do terribly well (oxymoron) this semester. I knew it even before the semester started, and I vowed to let go, give myself some slack. But when it comes down to the crunch, I still care, a bit. Even though, contrary to misguided belief, my grade really means quite little to me.

I'd happily fail everything right now for my greatest wish to come true, really.

I was talking to a good friend last night, who mentioned that I'm a fortunate girl. I asked, in what sense? I do think I'm very fortunate, I've a good family, friends, sufficient material comforts and a bit more. I've been blessed certain things (sometimes unimportant to me), I lead a generally comfortable life and I am not rich, but by no means poor. I've gotten myself out of various ruts, including a close brush with the law. I've had my fair share of troubles, but I'm sure many have had more.

And so I was surprised that the friend in question replied that I'm fortunate to have come thus far in spite of circumstances. I'm not sure how that is fortunate, but sometimes, I still wonder if I should have let go before it's too late.

Of course, on retrospect, I'm glad I've come through. But of course, who am I to say how could i survive when all is (almost) said and done with. Nevertheless, I sometimes still wonder if I should have let go (as advised time and time again), before it was too late.

I'm beginning to think that, maybe I should have? And come to terms with stuff sooner, instead of stubbornly believing that I can numb myself by doing everything and anything, but dealing with stuff.

I'm thankful I only have two papers, so exams end tomorrow. I'd be at another crossroad soon, when I've to decide again- to go on the way I have done thus far? Or manage my expectations, cut myself some slack, and... take it much much easier.

I really don't know. My pride and rationality can't decide who's going to win the argument.

I've really learnt so much lately, but as the teachers of the establishment always remind us, you've got to know how to apply what you've learnt. Sadly, I'm not very good at that.

I find myself increasingly stoical. I neither jump for joy at things, nor hide away in tears. Just in limbo - I blame it on those little things that I taste everyday, but I can never be sure. It's good to be stoical (as it is), but it scares me too, know?