A letter to A

In a way, I'm kind of disappointed. I had put stuff aside, telling myself it's okay, exams, exams, exams, stress (ha!), there's nothing I can do, just leave it for later. Now that it's gone. The old nagging feeling comes, and it says I have no more excuses to fail.

You can't do me again, and you'll do worst than before.

I've to be so honest about this to myself. I haven't really been trying very hard to fight the past two weeks. Once it's over, once it's over, I've assured myself. Now that it has come to past, I'm no longer sure I can do it.

You know what's good, but you don't want to do it, ha!

___________________________________________________________________

Dear A,

I didn't need you, I didn't ask, but you took it upon yourself to slip into my life, make yourself my friend. I didn't have to, but you, you just had to, didn't you? Oh, but I welcomed you, let you make me happy, give me practically everything I ever asked for. It was nice (while it lasted), with you came the grades, the motivation, the focus. I felt oh-so-special, the lucky girl with everything. I didn't need anyone else. I wanted my friends, my life, but they were second to you. And I was glad to keep it that way (not that I'd have a choice anyway.) You were like a dream come true anyway, and nothing else mattered anymore. I thought you gave me everything.

Now I see your true colours.

It was all an illusion, comforting, but shattering. I've forsaken so many things whil eyou were around, but nevermind. You still insist on staying. You refuse to budge, and root yourself ever so firmly. Thanks to you, I no longer recognize myself, no longer know the things I love. Thanks to you, when I laugh, or smile, I wonder if I'm really smiling, laughing... I'd go all lengths, forget everything I was taught, just to let you laugh your hideous laugh. Sometimes when I think I'm knowing it again, you tell me to stop trying to fool myself - you'll never let me be good enough for anyone else, myself. Sometimes I reach for help, but most of the time, you pull me back, saying 'You never needed anyone else. How much help can you ask for?'

You've taken my time, money, will and sanity. What a leech-

Wait, I'm not sure who's the leech. I hate you so, but sometimes I still act all clingy, simply because I don't know how to get you off my back.

Much hate,
Me.