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You can't see it, but it's all coming back, almost as strong as before, and you're scared. It's the one single thing you hate most, the one thing that you hate more than anything you've ever encountered in your life. It kills you ever so slowly. You're look well and alive, but it feels like your insides have died. As the monster rages, challenging you to prove your worth, to fight back, you start giving up on yourself, and see yourself fall from grace. In shame. And you look back to a time, when everything seemed under control, another monster, but a less scary one. It You thought it made things as close to perfection as it could be, but little did you know, little did you know... it was a time of nothingness, but as if fate was laughing at your foolishness, the same old familiar nothingness was the very thing that led you to this state. It's all,
or nothing. The nothingness becomes a distant memory, and other memories surface - the absolute insanity. You ask, how come I didn't remember this, until now? The nothingness wasn't that comforting after all. And yet, you cling on, after all, you long for the familiarity, the false sense of security. No one controls you, except you, yourself and A. You might rather return to the state of blissful ignorance. After all, what you don't know can't kill you-
No, you could have died. But maybe dying inside in its after days is worst. You can't decide.
But it doesn't matter now. You can't turn back time, how naive to think it possible. You can almost hear the lees saying, 'I told you so.' But even in that acceptance, it doesn't get easier. You live out one demon, while the other resides in your brain. Once tainted, always tainted, and it nags all the time. No, it laughs out loud, and whispers, 'You didn't listen to me well enough, long enough. You're a failure. I won't take you back into my claws, but I'd still be with you.' And taunts you, 'You're good at this, and that. You do this, and that to prove yourself, but hey, you still failed me.'
And yet, you fight on, a part of you believes, maybe it's possible. The light is so far away, but it is there After all, there isn't much of a choice, so why not, cling onto the rational. But sometimes, you think the hope exists, but not for you.
You cannot accept it, but learn to live with it, as if all is fine and dandy, happy and sunny like the way you talk, and talk, and talk. At times, you even manage to numb it out... but the numbness scares you... for what are you, if you don't care anymore?
You're filled with loathing, but it's a drug you can't quit, and can't live without.
You're lonely. You've family, friends and love to keep you going. But the journey is a lonely one, because you can't accept the greatest love of all.
'If you won't leave for good, then take me back silently. But don't leave before I die.'
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In many ways, I'm a blessed person. I'm not judged where it matters, so why, do I have to judge myself?
I want to run, run and run away.
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