She who wonders

She wondered, and wonders, and is wondering. Why, why why. What did she do it to herself, why must this happen to why, why why why. She's hurting, but she (thinks) she's still fighting.

She thought life had finally turned around for her, and everything was going on an uphill. That she'd be better, stronger, than all the other shes, then ever before. So much pride, which came crumbling down. Everything (so meaningless!), all gone.

She thinks perhaps there's a reason, which she'd see somewhere down the road. Perhaps, it's humility she is meant to understand. That what she prided herself for was always empty.

She asked for help, but knew not where to start. So she admitted that he eluded (and still eludes) her, that she knew not what her motivations were, that surely, her greatest desire wasn't worthy, but she couldn't overcome it. Over and over again, she said, 'Even as I say this, I doubt my sincerity. I doubt it, I'm not sure if I mean it, at this very moment, as I say this. I still don't know, I still don't know, but I'm asking-'

Then she flipped the page.

I hope she finds her way.