End of year thoughts

I've been wanting to pen this down for quite some time, so why not now.

I don't know what to make of 2007. It couldn't start off better, meeting up with old pals before leaving for New York City, an exciting few months there, new adjustments, Broadway shows, shopping, seeing my US college friends, falling into a new comfortable routine, travelling around the East Coast, and all that jazz.

For once, I thought I was living my own life. But what a dangerous lifestyle it was.

And so when things crashed, I crashed even harder. It was as if everything so comfortable had been taken away. And no I wasn't back to Square 1. It was the negative range.

I was bitter, confused, scared of what was to come. I thought 2007 would bring all things material and superficially attractive, that my 21st would mark the time of my life, so I was angry when things didn't go as planned.

For months I lived in denial, nodding my head at good advice, accepting them rationally, but my actions demonstrated outright rejection. I thought I could turn back time, but clearly I was wrong. I now know that, and I'm ready to stand up, but I cannot deny that a small part of me just doesn't know how to accept it. Like, that's it, that's it.

I don't think I've ever hit such such a low in my life. Letting go of everything and anything. Nothing mattered beyond wishing each day was over, then going to sleep. I barely studied, skipped classes, skipped more classes when I took a month off school. I looked at myself and the state of my living conditions in utter disgust, but lacked the courage to do anything about it. It was as if I was in a permanant drunken stupor for a few months.

I'm still struggling, but I've been in a better place for the past two months. I now know that even if the battle never ends, I'll keep going, because I have to.

In a way, I believe that I will one day look upon 2007 as a blessing in (extremely well concealed) disguise. When I felt like I wanted to disappear, every trivial thing, old grudges, childish resentments, supposedly unforgetable heartaches, or left. Everything supposedly enviable - money, clothes, shoes, grades, brains, pretty earrings - seemed so small. Instead, I saw that deep down, my family was so important to me. And that I am blessed with true friends with such big hearts which I really admire. I love you, really.

And just as if someone knew how lonely the journey was, fate brought along a soulmate who knows what I mean when I say, 'It's so lonely, no matter how many people there are.' And we'll walk through the 2008 journey together.

I now know that I'm not a superwoman(girl), and it's not worth it. So for the coming year, I'll focus on only two things - piano (since I made the decision to continue when I was sinking), and trying to run a marathon.

Let's hope it'll be a better year. I really can't imagine worst.

Resolutions coming up, once I discuss them with my soulmate tomorrow. :)