Frustrated
It's screaming at me so loudly that I just want to go to sleep and forget what I just did.
Edit: Should have slept.
I've always loved the Christmas season - giving stuff to those I hold dear, writing cards. And receiving cards is nice. But I'm so scared- what am I going to do on Christmas. How do I deal with the memory of better/worse (???) times. In a way, it feels almost like like I've been jilted by an imaginery lover, and had my heart broken. Trying to break free, stand up and find myself, is akin to a realization that you've been unceremonioulsy dumped, trying to hang on to what shouldn't belong to you. You know that you can never have it back, so you've to keep trudging forward and move on. But it hurts. It hurts.
I try not to be so openly angsty, but tonight I don't give a shit.
I just feel sad, down, empty, bad, horrible, ashamed, guilty. I don't even know why the F I'm doing all these to myself, investing so much energy into a broken relationship (no, I didn't mean that literally), wasting all my time, money and energy. One and a half years and I don't know how many more. I know I'm going forward but I can't get over the numbing ache inside. And it taunts me and tells me I deserve this. I'm so so so tired, really. I'd be grateful even for a short short break of a day. Just one day before I go on.
I'm just going to sleep and get lost in (hopefully) happy dreams for awhile.
1 Comments:
hey girl! spend christmas at tere's then.. btw, are u free on 26th evening or 27th? I still wanna meet up with you!! :(
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