I really wish

that I posess something precious, so high and mighty in my heart, important above all other pursuits, more comforting than all that I mindlessly chase after. A treasure I couldn't imagine life without, that I'd dedicate my time and energy to, and will always be mine. It'd be so meaningful, so reassuring- that I fear no more, never need to hide. As long as it's there, every damned thing is worth fighting for.

And no, I do not mean love, but something more. For the greatest love of all eludes me. It's always so far away. Whether it's within reach isn't important, for I don't think I'd let myself touch it. Feeling it was an illusion, made of worthless stuff like pride, vanity and a shallow heart.

I am really so tired of hiding beneath ... ... ... every damned thing that would shield my face. If I could I'd just run away-

from me.

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Today marked my first visit to the SMU campus and I'm officially jealous and indignant. It's so modern and pretty.

Anyway, I think Chris and I did what we can for Futurebrand, so I refuse to overly dwell on it. I don't want any expectations. Except- did I mention that I really hate my voice? It's been brought to my attention by random people now and then - but lately, I discovered that my voice, is indeed very high pitched. Especially when I'm talking very fast, I sound disgustingly excitable and shrill. Thank goodness there wasn't a mike.

I guess, it'd be nice to get something after all the effort put in towards FutureBrand. But really, we set out to get into the Top 5, and we've done it. But it's not all that matters-

The thing is, as long time friends, the two of us finally did something together. Our first 'project' after having been classmates through Nanyang. Chris, whatever it is, Football Connection is OUR baby!

But the same thing over and over again. Practising in front of the mirror, staring, looking away, staring - that's not good enough. You can say it so well, so confidently, flawlessly, but so what when THAT sucks. It'd never be complete.

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I then had a long walk with my friend Kevin, and made a fool out of myself in the middle of Clementi with my uncontrollable laughter.

'But really, I do not expect anyone to understand. I'm grateful enough if I'm not judged. For the support.'

I could really use a few more hours of walking. Better still, days and days and days til no end. (If it's even possible!)

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Finally, I ruined a relatively good day by being stupid. Like I've done so many times, again and again, and again. Believing it'd be the last. Who am I kidding?

PS: On a brighter note before I finally rest my wreary feet and cuddle under my smelly blanket, it really does feel good to be caffeine free. I feel so much more alert in the day. And less like a drug addict.