Scared
It's all, or nothing. I suspect I've been using 'relapsing is normal' as and excuse to relapse. Even as I type this, I'm still making excuses.
I'm having a sore throat but I'm barely taking care of it. :(
I keep telling myself. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day, a new day. It would be much better to start now, and it shames me that I'm reluctant to. Once again, I find myself losing sight of things.
It's so hard to remind myself that what's past, is PAST. No matter how good it seemed.
It's so tiring, but I can't rest. The struggle is a daily one- 'try again tomorrow? all today than nothing tomorrow? consider today gone? tomorrow again? forget it. don't forget it.' It's like 3 parts of me struggling - the past self, the present self and then the rational self. Give me a break already!
I fear that my irrational fears might soon become very real. And I don't think I'm doing well at all, but I don't know how to stop.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. The Sunday morning routine, then meeting up with an old teacher from Nanyang. I always thought she was wise, and am looking forward to seeing her after so long. A part of me wants to spill out the event's of the past 1.5 years. Maybe because she called us terrible. Maybe because I've always had a lot of respect for her words, in spite of the cynicism. I don't know. But as twin said, just see how it goes.
I swear I'll practice the piano in the evening. I've been... so lazy.
With two people dear gone for the moment, I feel a bit lost. It's like trying to survie on my own, but as evelyn said, it's ultimately my own responsibility, for myself. I think a part of me always wants to be taken care of. I fear having to be the only one looking out for myself.
Results went fine. I've prepared myself for failure, but I found myself still a tad disappointed. It's that voice, critical as ever. How come, I don't know. For I'm not defined by my CAP. I hate being identified by those numbers. They don't add any significant utility to my life. I'm trying to count my blessings over here. People like asking how I seem to manage everything. See, it's not true at all! I can't do the one thing that matters most now.
Modules for next sem: APB (pre-allocated), MR (pre-allocated), HOB (bidding), SS (bidding), ED (retake by default) - need one more!
I'm having a sore throat but I'm barely taking care of it. :(
I keep telling myself. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day, a new day. It would be much better to start now, and it shames me that I'm reluctant to. Once again, I find myself losing sight of things.
It's so hard to remind myself that what's past, is PAST. No matter how good it seemed.
It's so tiring, but I can't rest. The struggle is a daily one- 'try again tomorrow? all today than nothing tomorrow? consider today gone? tomorrow again? forget it. don't forget it.' It's like 3 parts of me struggling - the past self, the present self and then the rational self. Give me a break already!
I fear that my irrational fears might soon become very real. And I don't think I'm doing well at all, but I don't know how to stop.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. The Sunday morning routine, then meeting up with an old teacher from Nanyang. I always thought she was wise, and am looking forward to seeing her after so long. A part of me wants to spill out the event's of the past 1.5 years. Maybe because she called us terrible. Maybe because I've always had a lot of respect for her words, in spite of the cynicism. I don't know. But as twin said, just see how it goes.
I swear I'll practice the piano in the evening. I've been... so lazy.
With two people dear gone for the moment, I feel a bit lost. It's like trying to survie on my own, but as evelyn said, it's ultimately my own responsibility, for myself. I think a part of me always wants to be taken care of. I fear having to be the only one looking out for myself.
Results went fine. I've prepared myself for failure, but I found myself still a tad disappointed. It's that voice, critical as ever. How come, I don't know. For I'm not defined by my CAP. I hate being identified by those numbers. They don't add any significant utility to my life. I'm trying to count my blessings over here. People like asking how I seem to manage everything. See, it's not true at all! I can't do the one thing that matters most now.
Modules for next sem: APB (pre-allocated), MR (pre-allocated), HOB (bidding), SS (bidding), ED (retake by default) - need one more!
Chengwei looked out at 12:12 am
2 Comments:
Hey it is great that you are recognizing that you are making excuses to relapse. Being honest about it is a great start
Thanks Evelyn. I'm still making excuses! :( But I'm trying to move forward. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home