Blue musings
Before I go on about everything blue, I need to mention that I saw someone with the name Zara today! Now I know that name exists. So Zara Lee is not that original after all. But still, cool name!
I'm really trying to tell myself it's okay, because it really was OKAY. I can't do it perfectly at one shot, and as HY always says, 'If you slip, it doesn't mean you're back at square 1. Just pick yourself up.' And yea, but that nagging voice whom I call A starts mocking me for being a complete failure. I act a whole lot more rationally now, or rather, a whole lot more like I was when I was trouble free, but I can't deny that a part of me just can't completely let go. It irks me that I don't want to let go at times - feels like I'm abandoned, thrown into the sea, having to figure out how to live with my own imperfections. I miss the safety, security and comfort of the structure I lived within.
It'll get better. It has gotten so much better, and it can only get better, because my resolution for the semester is not to let it get in the way of the rest of my life, and whatever abilities I may have.
What I need most right now, is not supposed perfection or goodness by my own standards. But to look beyond myself, and find the capacity to love others. I think self absorption/centredness is truly one of the most common vices, and the most difficult to overcome.
It's been such a long time since I've played this game, but I find myself increasingly vulnerable, and tempted to fall into that tiring abyss of messiness. Oh yes, the thrill, but more so, the fear of not being able to protect myself.
Ending off with a non-blue note - according to Miss Kim Lian Rolles (whom I suspect is begin to hallucinate), I moved over to her in my sleep and said, 'appointment appointment!' Right. Me and my bizarre sleep talking.
I'm really trying to tell myself it's okay, because it really was OKAY. I can't do it perfectly at one shot, and as HY always says, 'If you slip, it doesn't mean you're back at square 1. Just pick yourself up.' And yea, but that nagging voice whom I call A starts mocking me for being a complete failure. I act a whole lot more rationally now, or rather, a whole lot more like I was when I was trouble free, but I can't deny that a part of me just can't completely let go. It irks me that I don't want to let go at times - feels like I'm abandoned, thrown into the sea, having to figure out how to live with my own imperfections. I miss the safety, security and comfort of the structure I lived within.
It'll get better. It has gotten so much better, and it can only get better, because my resolution for the semester is not to let it get in the way of the rest of my life, and whatever abilities I may have.
What I need most right now, is not supposed perfection or goodness by my own standards. But to look beyond myself, and find the capacity to love others. I think self absorption/centredness is truly one of the most common vices, and the most difficult to overcome.
It's been such a long time since I've played this game, but I find myself increasingly vulnerable, and tempted to fall into that tiring abyss of messiness. Oh yes, the thrill, but more so, the fear of not being able to protect myself.
Ending off with a non-blue note - according to Miss Kim Lian Rolles (whom I suspect is begin to hallucinate), I moved over to her in my sleep and said, 'appointment appointment!' Right. Me and my bizarre sleep talking.
Chengwei looked out at 12:21 am
2 Comments:
Hi. A slip is just a slip...it is not failure. Just like riding a bike or playing a piece, if you fall or miss a note, it doesn't mean you can't ride or play. Just mean you slip up. Slips are learning experience, we need to learn why we slip and how we can prevent more slips.
As for the safety and comfort that A gives...sure can't beat the freedom and joy that it cannot give!
yeah!! A sucks. beeeeeg time.
and yes babe you keep sleep-talking la!! i SWEAR you said "appointment appointment!"
i was like, wth?!
kimmy.
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