I was talking to a friend on the phone, my usual whining and gripes about oh-why-must-my-life-be-like-that, and him telling me about the near car crash he had earlier in the morning. At that very moment, he stopped short, and said, 'oh my god.'

My poor friend saw the crane at the site of construction of the new business building collapse, right before his eyes. And the operator hitting against the sides as of his workspace as it came crashing.

Three lives lost, two injured.

I wonder how it must feel like to have death thrown at your face without warning. What would go through one's mind, in that flash before darkness. I suspect, by the time pain registers, it's over. Just like how injections feel - that sudden sting, and then the needle is out. At least, that pain is anticipated.

I suspect, nothing significant will go through my mind, besides horror, and 'help', 'shit' or 'no'. But the thought of it, the days unfortunate events, makes my heart ache. And I wish I could shed a tear.

I wasn't there to see it, but life can be so unpredictable it makes me sigh.

It shames me that sometimes, I don't cherish things very much. That I still mope and wallow in my little world.

Today, Ku told me that I should know myself that I used to play Mars better. I've been practising, but it's not enough. I can only practice harder, because I don't want to let anyone down. And myself. Performing has shown me so much, and it means a lot. Sigh.

I've been struggling to pull myself out of this ditch, and it's been really easy to tell myself not to bother, to let go. I've been giving in to the temptation to slip, but I know, something in me isn't going to surrender like this - I don't need another rock bottom, that dark, lonely hole. And I'm trying to convince myself I don't deserve this. That it's worth fighting for -

My freedom.

I want so bad to scream it all out.