Poor, oppressed
Okay, the title makes it sound like I'm stuck in some little village overtaken by warlords. But that's not the point.
The point is - I don't know what's the point of holding on when it almost killed me, is killing my spirit and sucking the life out of me, and might eventually kill me. This has got to be the worst kind of heartache ever, breaking my own heart. I keep thinking I could just make up my mind and let go, once and for all. It's the rational thing to do, but emotionally and physically, I can't seem to take that leap of faith... into the scary territory of 'what ifs'. Much as I loathe this abusive partner, I don't know what's going to happen when I eventually kick him out of that door. I am not brave enough to try, yet.
And yes, how sweet and charming his words are. In my sickest, darkest moments, when I yearn for someone to tell me all if fine, he comes by, and tempts me with words so alluring. He lures me with old memories, still fresh in my head - Remember our good times, you were happy with me. It was perfect.
He promises to treat me well this time, but no. One last time, one last chance. But no, time and time again, I've foolishly taken his hands, only to find that he has no heart.
I want so hard to say Enough of it already! I'm paying for my sins with all the pain and loneliness. You've taken so much from me already!
And yes, it's taken so much. And today, I realized it has cheated me of my money. All the money I've won from working hard and living up to myself. If this goes on, I'm going to regret it. I'm putting half my money aside while I can still salvage the situation.
So why do I feel tempted to believe him once more?
The point is - I don't know what's the point of holding on when it almost killed me, is killing my spirit and sucking the life out of me, and might eventually kill me. This has got to be the worst kind of heartache ever, breaking my own heart. I keep thinking I could just make up my mind and let go, once and for all. It's the rational thing to do, but emotionally and physically, I can't seem to take that leap of faith... into the scary territory of 'what ifs'. Much as I loathe this abusive partner, I don't know what's going to happen when I eventually kick him out of that door. I am not brave enough to try, yet.
And yes, how sweet and charming his words are. In my sickest, darkest moments, when I yearn for someone to tell me all if fine, he comes by, and tempts me with words so alluring. He lures me with old memories, still fresh in my head - Remember our good times, you were happy with me. It was perfect.
He promises to treat me well this time, but no. One last time, one last chance. But no, time and time again, I've foolishly taken his hands, only to find that he has no heart.
I want so hard to say Enough of it already! I'm paying for my sins with all the pain and loneliness. You've taken so much from me already!
And yes, it's taken so much. And today, I realized it has cheated me of my money. All the money I've won from working hard and living up to myself. If this goes on, I'm going to regret it. I'm putting half my money aside while I can still salvage the situation.
So why do I feel tempted to believe him once more?
Chengwei looked out at 8:54 pm
1 Comments:
Oh no; I hope he hasn't hit you! I absolutely hate men who think women are subordinates and treat them as if they are slaves. As harsh as the reality might seem, I think the best way to end your misery is to leave this guy. Forget him and his sweetened words; they are all but lies. A true man who loves should not put his lover through such suffering; he should respect a woman as a human being, as a confidente whom he will pledge to protect throughout his life. No man who thinks he is superior to women deserves to be loved.
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