Fears

Last night, my nightmare was so real. (If only, it was really, always a nightmare.)

Given the faith certain individuals whom I hold in high esteem have of me, I've a new fear - the fear of being a disappointment. Not being able to exude that character which others see in me.

I really do hope it turns out well. While there're many other things in my life to deal with, this is one additional burden I feel is worth taking. I feel more ready than ever, and I guess, aptly so, for it's might very well be the last chance before I step into a whole new world.

I used to feel bitter when I failed - Why me, why wasn't it me? What is it that others possess, that I don't? On retrospect, the reason was simple - I simply wasn't ready. My passions superficial, always guided by competition and ambitions. I had no idea who I was, and what I wanted. Blind to my flaws, and what I can do.

The ironies of life - It's when there were so many moments that I felt like I no longer recognized myself, that I slowly began to know myself. My strengths, my weaknesses, my values, and the things I hold dear. Now I feel more ready to take on more, and hopefully, do some good.

That was a brief conversation over the phone, but it left me feeling inexplicably jaded-
For so long, I've tried to see the best in you. Simply because of what you meant to me, the laughter shared. In spite of harsh words I've heard from others, and things I've seen, I've tried to be objective, to forgive, and to emphatize. But of late, I've been so tempted to wonder if I've been making up lies in my head, just to believe you're that girl/woman I hold dear. It's becomming so easy to forget that gentle nature, and assume a heart of stone behind that curt voice.

For someone blessed with good looks, talent, and a lovely smile (which I haven't seen for so long) - that's such a pity. It could be so much more- what you could do for others.

It's best I'd be stoical, then dwell on it and feel disappointed.

Tim Ku called me today, and it was hilarious -

Ku: Hello Miss Lee.
Me: [mentally] erm, that sounds like Jiayuan, maybe I saw wrongly.
[aloud] wait wait hold on
*checks phone*
[mentally] It's Tim Ku, but only Jiayuan calls me Miss Lee and that sounded EXACTLY like
him. Something's wrong.
Ku: Miss Lee are u there?
Me: [mentally] goodness, that can't be Mr Ku. It's Jiayuan, wth is going on here. I'm confused.
[aloud] Hi, who is this?
Ku: Erm... this is Timothy Ku.

Right. My piano teacher must have been wondering why I don't keep his number in his phone. But I still insist, it really sounded like you Jiayuan! haha. I really act like such a blockhead sometimes, despite (mis)assumptions about me being cleBer.

I can't decide whether to head to bed, watch Webcast, or sit here and type out more of all these random musings in my head.