Let it be a good week

Well, I am feeling quite happy. Yesterday, today... finally some sanity after a week of semi-madness. Oh, but there's method in her madness. I just pray for a good week, a clean slate.

I've been resting quite a bit. Napping, sleeping. I discovered I really feel much better when I'm rested... unfortunately, it seems like I need seven hours of sleep + loads of naps while studying. How am I ever going to finish that truckload of work.

I'm half convinced I can never rediscover that discipline, and motivation, to work. And just... immerse myself in my work. I really don't understand how in the world I managed to live life the way when I was living with Ed. I still feel like I've loss some of my happiness, but yet, I have discovered so much more about myself- my strengths, my flaws, my interests, my love, my values.

I know it'd be worth my while, but why does it have to be so damned hard. As I told Kim today, 'I can't wait to be completely free, but I'm scared too.' I fear what life will be like without those fears. What's going to happen? It's like giving up of whatever minute bit of control I still possess, and taking the chance, to see what I was meant to be. I'm tired of not being, but scared of being.

Right now, as I type this, I could just make a decision - to snap out of it, and move on. But I lack the guts. It puzzling to most, but when you're in it, you're in it. I just pray it's not for life, or 15 years like the girl on Dr Phil's show. One and a half years and it almost drove me nuts already.

If this is only just the beginning, I seriously don't want to know