I am so disappointed
... in no one but myself.
It's normal for me to hate the process of writing essays (yes, I see everyone rolling their eyes at the word ESSAY appaering again). But usually, there's arainbow after the storm, and I feel a mild sense of satisfaction when I'm finally done with the tedious process. It has always been so, and I have always handed in my essays with a knowledge that it was at the bare minimum coherently organized, reflective of my personal voice, argued around a central thesis, and concluded with my favourite end-of-essay 'formula' (it has always worked- my secret!).
Today, as a Third Year student who has gone through this so many times, I finally let myself go. It was getting nowhere- hours and hours of trying to churn out something substantial, and not getting anywhere. I gave up midway, and told myself, I just want to produce something long enough to be handed in. And it adhered to none of the criteria I mentioned above.
This is really the first time I have (successfully) told myself to just LET GO of everything, expectations and all, and just get it over and done with so that I can move on with life. The time just didn't seem worth my while, or snooze time.
And it doens't feel good to know that was absolute CRAP. I would frankly fail myself for that piece of shit. Thankfully, I think Professors generally avoid failing people, so I'd say I'd give myself a C.
I can be so guilty of all the things I accuse people of doing so sometimes. This is one of them.
They say time heals, but I'm not really sure right now. As the days go by, I discover more and more pent up emotions that are practically bursting out of the seams of my heart and mind. The cacaphony of voices in my head are on the verge of overwhelming me, if I haven't already been overwhelmed with work. Comfort, then confusion, then guilt, then hurt, then pain... next it's going to be anger. I half feel it already.
On a brighter note, Ban Ban really did cheer me up over the webcam tongiht. Kept laughing when he said 'We study online togethere!' heehee.
It's normal for me to hate the process of writing essays (yes, I see everyone rolling their eyes at the word ESSAY appaering again). But usually, there's arainbow after the storm, and I feel a mild sense of satisfaction when I'm finally done with the tedious process. It has always been so, and I have always handed in my essays with a knowledge that it was at the bare minimum coherently organized, reflective of my personal voice, argued around a central thesis, and concluded with my favourite end-of-essay 'formula' (it has always worked- my secret!).
Today, as a Third Year student who has gone through this so many times, I finally let myself go. It was getting nowhere- hours and hours of trying to churn out something substantial, and not getting anywhere. I gave up midway, and told myself, I just want to produce something long enough to be handed in. And it adhered to none of the criteria I mentioned above.
This is really the first time I have (successfully) told myself to just LET GO of everything, expectations and all, and just get it over and done with so that I can move on with life. The time just didn't seem worth my while, or snooze time.
And it doens't feel good to know that was absolute CRAP. I would frankly fail myself for that piece of shit. Thankfully, I think Professors generally avoid failing people, so I'd say I'd give myself a C.
I can be so guilty of all the things I accuse people of doing so sometimes. This is one of them.
They say time heals, but I'm not really sure right now. As the days go by, I discover more and more pent up emotions that are practically bursting out of the seams of my heart and mind. The cacaphony of voices in my head are on the verge of overwhelming me, if I haven't already been overwhelmed with work. Comfort, then confusion, then guilt, then hurt, then pain... next it's going to be anger. I half feel it already.
On a brighter note, Ban Ban really did cheer me up over the webcam tongiht. Kept laughing when he said 'We study online togethere!' heehee.
Chengwei looked out at 12:29 am
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