Yesterday, I went back to church for the first time in a month, after letting myself be consumed with work (an excuse?). It was good to be back. During the sermon, I had a revelation- that God exists, I can't feel it sometimes, but I know it. It's all too perfect, how things fell into place even when I thought I couldn't possibly sink any lower than that. When I look at the big picture, life can be very beautiful.
Like just last week, we saw a spider spinning its web. As gross as it is, it's pretty awesome- that it knows just what to do, to spin a web so symmetrical, edges so straight. I just remembered- Robert Frost wrote about this before:
Design
by Robert Frost
I found a dimpled spider, fat and white,
On a white heal-all, holding up a moth
Like a white piece of rigid satin cloth--
Assorted characters of death and blight
Mixed ready to begin the morning right,
Like the ingredients of a witches' broth--
A snow-drop spider, a flower like a froth,
And dead wings carried like a paper kite.
What had that flower to do with being white,
The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?
What brought the kindred spider to that height,
Then steered the white moth thither in the night?
What but design of darkness to appall?--
If design govern in a thing so small.
The problem is - I don't know who God is, and am not convinced one could ever know for sure.
On my part, I have put an end to things. It's been so different this time. I discovered, the concept of love can be so complicated, ridiculously childish at times, but so comforting on other times.
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