Old temptations are so hard to resist sometimes.

I don't know what is it, but all of a sudden, I am so tempted to go back to my old, old, bad, bad ways. I've been consciously telling myself that at this point, I CANNOT, because there're just too many people I'd let down, too many things going back for me, too many things I need to do, too many things that mean so much to me, and even people who may actually need me around. But it really gets so tiring when I have to tell myself that each time, when faced with that choice. Sometimes, I suspect I might lose all the people around me, if they don't lose me first- people will tire, from putting up with such willfulness.

I used be one of those standing by, with judging eyes, a long time ago. But now I know, when you've been there, done that, it is only then you can understand it. And it is really takes so much will, irrational as it sounds to many. Even for those in the know, it's different to everyone. And so many times, I find myself contemplating falling back, far, far, far- I've been asked if I was happy then, but really, I can't remember anymore. I think I was? But it's all so unreal now, like a dream. All I know is, I became so unhappy. Sometimes, I think what I must have felt was a complete void- like I was living in my own shell, sheltered from everything, for I didn't need to think, or feel very much. As long as I played by the rules of the game, I was safe. As if nothing could burst my pretty little bubble.

Meh. It's just one of those moments I guess. When it tugs right back at you.

At other times, it leaves you all alone. Trembling at the pain at your head all the way down to your throat, gasping for breath, as you wonder how on earth you sunk that low.