By right, it should be a happy day, but I'm feeling inexplicably blah, almost down.

It's on this day that I know, for sure, it's been a year. Yes, one year on, I've come so far. But I still live in the past, every so often. Still thinking back, healing, but still yearning, not knowing what I want at time. And it's also on this day, that I know for sure, without a doubt, it's been more than two years before I walked into that snare. For I remember exactly what happened on this day, two years ago.

Perhaps it's true that I live a lie. But I don't know how to believe, or how to explain, that it's just so hard. I feel like I'm cheating myself, if I do believe. That self-centered part of me still wants my whole world to myself.

=( =( =(

I'm really tired, so so tired. I've put myself all these crap, day in day out. And each time I sink so low, I realize it has gotten me no where. Deep down, it feels like it's time to raise my hands in surrender, and then quit. But til this day, I'm sorry to say I've never truly said I quit, and meant it with all my heart. It's really so difficult, almost too difficult, like giving up my identity, little as it may be.

Sometimes I ask, why can't I just live the road less travelled? But I guess, being different just isn't a legitimate excuse when it gets you nowhere, makes you more miserable than ever.

I really just got to find the will in me to move on somehow.