The AHM Goal

In preparation for the Army Half Marathon, my aim for this week is to clock a good 40km. I am now at *gasp* 24.8, should be able to finish it up over the weekend. And I’ll slowly up it to 50km a week. Oh my goodness, it takes so much time and effort to run the distance of a marathon (42km) in a week, how am I ever going to succeed in running a marathon? Oh well, better concentrate on the AHM first and finishing it in under 2.5 hours.

Anyway, I had a fairly good run last night. I probably could have ran another round Bishan Park and hit 11km, except that it was late, and my good sense told me I should rest for work the next day. I was kind of struggling the first half, but managed to really push myself and breeze through the second round, and I felt so satisfied when I finished.

Unfortunately, the piano side has been horrible. Gershwin has come together, but it’s slow, and it just sounds awful in my hands. =( I’m losing motivation to practice it, but I force myself to. This morning, I practiced again, and it all sounded horrible to me. I’m starting to blame the piano and its defunct pedal, maybe I should really get a new piano regardless of the quality I manage to get for my budget.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m so lousy. Will I, ever, EVER play well. Or well enough? Or am I wasting my time, or perhaps deluding myself- it’s not a waste of time since its so enjoyable and enhances my personal wellbeing in numerous ways. I remember, on a number of occasions, I told my mum, I’m determined to work hard at it, now that I’ve picked it up seriously again, or that I have to practice so hard because I realize I am incapable of so many things, and then she always asks, ‘But do you have that talent?’ Only for the talented? I don’t know. Maybe her question holds some validity after all. It’s true that I do get discouraged now and then, probably because I tend to be highly impatient with myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t continue working hard at it.

I recorded Grieg the other day, just to get an inkling of the overall effect. OMG, it sounded like crap. I play much slower than I imagine, and it saddens me. What a lovely song, but my playing still isn’t lovely after months of practice.

Yesterday, I thought of many things on the bus, such as what I would write, if I decided to write all my friend cards, with frankness. I’d say the nicest things, the not so nice things, but who will I dare say them to? I thought, one because I fear no grudge, and just one other, because I care enough to risk it. There’d be one more, except there’s nothing un-nice to say, for now. After all, I’ve take heart that the dear thing is very self aware.

And yet, there’ve been others who have been held dear, and then turned out so disappointing. So much that its painful to know. Sometimes, I realize, you not only move on from partners and crushes, you’ve to move on from friends, girls and guys.