Demoralized

Sometimes, I get so demoralized. Actually, so very often, I get demoralized with the piano. =(

I practise, and put in my best effort. Though I've to admit, sometimes, I do get so tired, I just play and play, rather than practice. But don't we all do that? I do everything the man says - I learnt to discipline myself to do localized practising, focus on fingering, work on small phrases, and used the metronome so much that I no longer find it's beeping an annoyance. Now that it's the summer holidays, I put in extra hours at it, waking up at 6:30am to do it before work, cutting down socializing/internet/TV time to practise. Now and then, I do see some results, but I feel like I'm still falling short. Either I am that impatient, or the results are just not proportionate to what I believe I have put in.

Every Sunday, much as I awe at how much the man has to say, I despair at my incompetence. There's always more to mark, changes to make... and I wonder if he gets frustrated that I don't manage to change on the spot. Today, I got so impatient with myself for not being able to correct a mistake after a few tries, I almost banged the piano, right on the spot, as I sometimes do when I'm alone, just to let out the frustration. Now and then, he demonstrates certain passages, and when he plays, it's just different.

My mum always asks, 'You practice, but do you have the talent?' On the occassions I do get demoralized, I wonder if I really suck after all, and am stupid not to give up, and stubbornly believe that I can get there with patience and hard work. Then again, what does 'getting there' really mean? I'm not going to be a professional musician, or a reknowned performer - I just want to be much better than what I am. Competent enough, whatever that really means.

I told my mum, I'm discouraged, just to whine a bit. She thinks I shouldn't spend that much time- that I haven't reached a 'level' where I am good enough to spend 8 hours a day practising. But if I don't put in the time (and no, of course I don't spend 8 hours a day on it!), when will I reach there? She says I shouldn't make my piano the priority of my life, that it's no good to focus on just one thing - she's been critical lately, that I go to the piano room the moment I'm free at home, or that I tell her sometimes I just make sacrifices to do it, like going out less. She's doesn't understand the value it serves me, but I guess, it's not her fault since I don't tell her -

Unfortunate as it may be, I might be quite lost without it. In the moments when I feel like I've nothing to go on for, there's always the comforting thought if all else is gone, I am that fortunate still, for I like to play the piano, and have the chance to learn it again. Of course there're the people I'd do it for - but the difference is, music, I'd do it, for myself. Which makes it that important to me. I don't think my mum will ever understand and I guess, she would say it's really self centered of me. Actually, I do agree, to some extent.

I guess, I just have to keep going, after this rant. (Today's just one of those days I feel so damn demoralized, but I'll rise above it.) After all, those amazing people, gifted as they may be, I'm sure they got where they were with hardwork too. Nothing comes for free. I can't possibly be throwing my hands up after merely six months, just because it's 'too difficult'. I've committed myself, and so I'll do it. In fact, I've also committed to pay for it myself, and so I will work towards doing so. Hopefully I find some students to teach soon.

With regards to other things, it may seem hypocritical when I say that hard work, effort and attitude counts. I've been told that I'm there in my ivory tower, and it's easy to preach, when I don't know how it really feels like. With the piano, I think I do know, and I can live it out - it really teaches me to be humble, put aside my prideful and defensive nature, keep trying, and believing in hard work. (Though I think I guess I haven't worked hard enough yet - Mr Ku always says I can afford to add some structure to my practice.)

So NicNic, believe me when I say, I feel your pain. In a different way, but... I struggle too. And I learn from your spirit.

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On a happier note, I headed all the way down Expo to meet AddRound (Jiayuan) for the warehouse book sale today. I spent $31 on about six books. There were so many books that I felt giddy just looking through them, and we got so tired (and cold) that we went for dinner, and the John Little Expo sale after awhile. New bras! Which AddRound wasn't embarrassed carrying, haha. A pity NicNic couldn't come along to give his expert opinions.

It was a good evening I guess. I like hanging out with AddRound. It's always very relaxing, in a comfortable, easy way, which makes me put most of my self consciousness aside. Think this would be one of the last times we get to hang before he heads off to Sweden for a year. =(

Now to read my books.

And I NEED TO SAVE MONEY. Someone grant me the will.