'Never be the same again'

Hopefully not.

I decided to call, to make things (feel) alright. For a customary whine, this time about me freaking out about the Beijing Office operating in Chinese (yes, Chinese powerpoints!). After all, I did say we can move forward, while I forget it quietly, and meant it.

But I hung up before you could pick up.

Clearly I haven't moved forward, and I do feel very bad. But as I waited for you to pick up, I didn't feel like talking anymore. I thought I might recall all the hurt, and disappointment. And then break down, when there's really nothing more you could do.

What's done, is done. And it was most disappointing. You once asked why I trusted you so much, and I told you that I just did, I trusted that you wouldn't hurt me. And then I realized, even the simplest of words can hurt. And I don't feel like I could trust the same way again, but I'll be trying to, because I want to.

I still love you, really. And I guess that's what makes everything hurt ten times over.

In a way, I still wonder if I have imposed to much of my own expectations against you, or others. It was after all, a very small matter, barely significant if I told myself, 'oh you're just like that', as I do sometimes. Yet I rationalized it for half a day, and I still couldn't find it in me to redeem you this time.

Forgive and forget, they say, as it comes together. I have forgiven, that was easy. But forgetting is hard.

I'd want to trust the same way again, in time to come.