Not again

I CANNOT SLEEP, AGAIN.

Sometimes, my mind just refuses to let itself rest. It wanders, and wanders, and holds on to old thoughts, clinging on to them, for no good reason except to keep thinking.

Always, and always, and over and over again. I half suspect I don't stop thinking because I don't want to let go, and I hold on to a tiny shred of hope that the past did have some good after all. Sigh, otherwise, it's really just a scar, forever imprinted right across my face, which I just have to leave with because it'd never fade. Every morning, I look into the mirror, and I still see it, right across, and I think, 'so gross, so gross'. I really do feel so ashamed of myself and the things that run about my head sometimes.

I hate to confess this- but it leaves me lonely. Nights when I lie down but don't sleep, or the bus rides when I just stare and ruminate, over and over again - it is the loneliest thing ever. For who can I expect to hold my hand or carry me, except myself, and what I was born with?

I wish I could be carried for awhile - maybe I wish I'll never grown up. But truth is, like it or not, I'm an adult, and can't afford to make the same mistake again.