Freedom, and independence

I settled into my apartment, lazed around a bit, and headed out to explore the area. There really wasn't much to explore, and I had to ask a caucasian before I could figure out where the supermarket was (just opposite my hotel!). I didn't venture too far either. Everytime the streets got emptier, I turned.

Nevertheless, the short time out in a new city made me recall just how much I miss freedom. In my apartment, I can do whatever I want, place my things anyway I like, see what I wish to. Surely, I'll miss people, but it'll be a lot of me-time which I have been craving so much lately. Being so far from everyone, I'm removed from many obligations, although not all of them are necessarily painful obligations. Obligations to meet up to expectations of others on how I live, or to meet people, people and people.

During the term time, I've been used to freedom. In fact, it's a great balance - I live by myself during the week, and go back during the weekends. In hostel, I am alone, or I'll be with people I choose to be with. I don't have to worry about the time I leave, or return, because there is no one to ask. My room is the way I decide to let it be, even though it's quite horrendous sometimes.

I'll treasure these three weeks of near complete freedom. Perhaps I'll revisit some of the attractions, even though I just went there 2 years back. Just to experience being a lone ranger. And three weeks later, I'll probably be glad to be home.

But, how am I able to deal with freedom?

I was a bit taken a back when someone told me that I need to learn how to be more independent. But within seconds, I felt I knew what he meant. When I'm in trouble, I run to my friends, almost instantly, the same few friends. I always feel a need to talk things out, even if I have half made up my mind on it. I guess I crave the reassurance that I had indeed thought rationally, and I need to rant, vent, whine, and hear opinions. I realized, I always feel like I need to get it out, talk about things, and I can't keep it all in and deal with it myself.

It's strange. I used to keep many things to myself (but then again, it feels like I never used to have so much bothering me). Then I later learnt to trust, and talk. And now I've become all needy?

Maybe we're all made differently, that's all.

Having said then, I run to others, but it's always only the few I trust with my heart. And this applies to everything. When I do my work, I like to show them to my closest pals, but other times, I just work, on my own. And it's the same isn't it? When I perform on the piano, I find it quite meaningless when there's no one in the audience I know. But if special people are there, I am motivated.

I guess, I just believe in sharing my life with those I love. Maybe it's too much sometimes.