Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 8

Just yesterday, as I was walking home, I was thinking about stuff- I confess I do feel lonely, bored, and I crave some company. I miss my friends whom I talk to regularly, and yet, I relish the freedom. Over here, I'm just another face billions of people - no one knows me, I have no worries. No one to tell me when to do what, and I live according to my whim, do what I please (within reasonable limits, though I doubt I've very unreasonable desires anyway). I remember, I used to think - if I could get away, abandon everything, and start anew, I would let go of my old habits. And it did feel like that over here - with my new found freedom, I felt in control of everything, the master of my own life, the urge to indulge in old habits gone. I thought of being afraid to leave.

And then, not very long after that, I messed things up. It's been quite some time, so I am no longer able to fully judge what is a bad mess up, and what isn't. But I still feel quite shitty about it.

Sigh. temptation is really the devil. Last night, I forced myself to go to sleep real early, and prayed to stop. But the moment I woke up, the devil was waiting for me, willing me to go ahead. And well, I did. Slip ups are normal, and I suppose I have to learn to accept it rather than beat myself over it. After all, it's only once in some time, right?

Sigh =(

Anyway, I do wish I could have such freedom all the time. But then again - I think there are too many people I love. It's not possible that I'd just run away from all these. When I get back home, I believe I will be glad to be back.