Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 9

I am feeling much better, after one day of moping. Ready to stand up again. Annoyed at the way my will fluctuates though, always. I swear over and over again I'll not practise all-or-nothing and make the same mistake, but time and time again, I just do.

Recently, upon reading a close friend's blog, with many links to other websites, I started asking myself- So, what is my identity?

I don't know. Identity is a complicated thing, isn't it? And it may change over time, getting too caught up with that single identity, implies inflexibility, right? And yet, we all struggle with it. The friend in question talked about carving out her own identity, being different, although I feel she is someone who is grounded in a strong sense of personal identity. Singapore always struggles with it's identity, but I realized, so do so many countries.

I simply can't pinpoint what makes me, me. Although I've to say, what makes me, me now, is very different from what it was a year ago. My experiences then, shaped my identity? Or are those experiences my identity?

I used to see myself as different, a runner, always in control. But apparantly, that wasn't sustainable. It's more apt to say, that is what I'd like to think myself as - always in control, the master of my life, captain of my ship. I crave simplicity, and yet I cannot let go of all the complexities being dangled in front of me. Just like how I veer between enjoying time alone, and craving companionship. If anyone can describe me if one sentence, please tell me. haha.

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This trip is beginning to show me that I could never leave for the long term. I just need a balance, the courage to say no when I wish to be alone, while I need people around me. I want to be there for the people too. Just this morning, I was listening to an old song I used to love. A simple slow song, which describes what I'd feel if I had to leave.

I Wonder (Departure)
ABBA

This park and these houses, old streets I have walked
Everything dear, will it be here
One day when I am returning?
My friends will get married, have children and homes
It sounds so nice, well-planned and wise
Never expecting surprises

I wonder, it's frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don't leave it
I'm not a coward
Oh no, I'll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it, it can't go wrong

My friends and my family, this dull little town
Buses I've missed, boys that I've kissed
Everything old and familiar

I wonder, it's frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don't leave it
I'm not a coward
Oh no, I'll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it...
Yes I will take it, it can't go wrong