Security and Narcissism
Detracting from the main subject of this post, let me talk about my day in a very clinical way, for the benefit of Sooty, who claims I write emo, and play emo Grieg. I happen to be the least emo person I know. When I sound emo, it's because I'm thinking about sad things. I don't emo for nothing. hur hur.
In fact, I'm capable of being so cold it scares me, and I hide it deep in my heart.
So here begins my stoic, clinical self!
Today, I woke up at 9am, realized gym closes at 10am, and headed for a mind numbing workout. Literally mind numbing because I was so sleepy that I was doing all the weights really mechanically. In fact, I really enjoyed the back workout thing because I was lying down.
After that, I proceeded to rot in bed, and I was literally rotting, because to my horror, I discovered I fell asleep without showering. Next, I talked to Anirban online, to bitch about see-eff-aye stuff before taking a shower. And then had breakfast (polar snack, so nice and salty!), and then met Ban to discuss what I should wear for concert (purple!). And he bought me a No Whining magnet, what the hell.
At 12, I went to practice piano with my current partner, Pei Yee. Also banged around the piano with some six-hands stuff with Sooty and Mingli, before Sooty started showing off. I wrote 'Sooty is a big show off, shoo Sooty' on the whiteboard, and then headed for teaching.
One of my students didn't turn up today. I was quite happy she didn't, because it meant I could leave a bit earlier and ensure I was early for coaching. I played badly for coaching, and run through. But everyone said I sounded more emo than ever. Ku said I sound like I haven't been practising. =( (I have!) But I don't blame him, coz it was really disgusting in my opinion. It sounded much better at the start of the week.
We had dinner at Sun Bistro. I love their food, but I wish I ate the usual Mui Fan. Sooty borrowed money from me, but I told him he can return me 50 cents instead of 50 dollars just to make him feel bad about my kind and forgiving nature.
_______________________________________________
Today, I read the beginning of "The Kennedy Curse" on the bus. There was a brief portion when the biographer talked about narcissism, and somehow, his explanation of it left such an impression on me that I knew I had to write about it.
'Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves. They are full of self-loathing and self-destructie impulse. Because they are obsessed with enhancing their grandiose image at the expense of their true self, they are more concerned with how they appear than with how they feel. What's more, since narcissists are so deadened to their own feelings, they are incapable of loving others'.
Narcissists do not love themselves - now, that was impactful. Not the revelation about narcissism (it is not more surprising than arrogant people being the most vulnerable to fear among us all), but what it essential alludes to- insecurity. It seems that we can never escape insecurity, but it takes so many forms- self condemnation (both in private and in public), arrogance, narcissism, pursuing all things material, vainity, self deprecation, depression, withdrawal.
If we deconstruct the situation further, it's almost as if we live in a world so unsafe, filled with dangers, and all our fears. And we can't deal with it, but we pretend, by avoidance (say, leading a completely hedonistic lifestyle), disguise (undue arrogance and pride) or acceptance (low self esteem).
And yet, God promises a love to be safe in, which could bring more security than any other things we chase.
I also happen to believe that, in general (yes, there are exceptions), women are even more vulnerable than ever to insecurity. So many things, men included, tell us we are not good enough. At the end of the day, in my humble opinon, women simply crave security. Yet, complete security is just... never complete enough.
A friend, in acknowledgement about women being constantly judged, once told me he believes that women should be told they are beautiful.
In fact, I'm capable of being so cold it scares me, and I hide it deep in my heart.
So here begins my stoic, clinical self!
Today, I woke up at 9am, realized gym closes at 10am, and headed for a mind numbing workout. Literally mind numbing because I was so sleepy that I was doing all the weights really mechanically. In fact, I really enjoyed the back workout thing because I was lying down.
After that, I proceeded to rot in bed, and I was literally rotting, because to my horror, I discovered I fell asleep without showering. Next, I talked to Anirban online, to bitch about see-eff-aye stuff before taking a shower. And then had breakfast (polar snack, so nice and salty!), and then met Ban to discuss what I should wear for concert (purple!). And he bought me a No Whining magnet, what the hell.
At 12, I went to practice piano with my current partner, Pei Yee. Also banged around the piano with some six-hands stuff with Sooty and Mingli, before Sooty started showing off. I wrote 'Sooty is a big show off, shoo Sooty' on the whiteboard, and then headed for teaching.
One of my students didn't turn up today. I was quite happy she didn't, because it meant I could leave a bit earlier and ensure I was early for coaching. I played badly for coaching, and run through. But everyone said I sounded more emo than ever. Ku said I sound like I haven't been practising. =( (I have!) But I don't blame him, coz it was really disgusting in my opinion. It sounded much better at the start of the week.
We had dinner at Sun Bistro. I love their food, but I wish I ate the usual Mui Fan. Sooty borrowed money from me, but I told him he can return me 50 cents instead of 50 dollars just to make him feel bad about my kind and forgiving nature.
_______________________________________________
Today, I read the beginning of "The Kennedy Curse" on the bus. There was a brief portion when the biographer talked about narcissism, and somehow, his explanation of it left such an impression on me that I knew I had to write about it.
'Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves. They are full of self-loathing and self-destructie impulse. Because they are obsessed with enhancing their grandiose image at the expense of their true self, they are more concerned with how they appear than with how they feel. What's more, since narcissists are so deadened to their own feelings, they are incapable of loving others'.
Narcissists do not love themselves - now, that was impactful. Not the revelation about narcissism (it is not more surprising than arrogant people being the most vulnerable to fear among us all), but what it essential alludes to- insecurity. It seems that we can never escape insecurity, but it takes so many forms- self condemnation (both in private and in public), arrogance, narcissism, pursuing all things material, vainity, self deprecation, depression, withdrawal.
If we deconstruct the situation further, it's almost as if we live in a world so unsafe, filled with dangers, and all our fears. And we can't deal with it, but we pretend, by avoidance (say, leading a completely hedonistic lifestyle), disguise (undue arrogance and pride) or acceptance (low self esteem).
And yet, God promises a love to be safe in, which could bring more security than any other things we chase.
I also happen to believe that, in general (yes, there are exceptions), women are even more vulnerable than ever to insecurity. So many things, men included, tell us we are not good enough. At the end of the day, in my humble opinon, women simply crave security. Yet, complete security is just... never complete enough.
A friend, in acknowledgement about women being constantly judged, once told me he believes that women should be told they are beautiful.
Chengwei looked out at 11:36 pm
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