Life in Disarray

Lately, my life has been in disarray, despite me tidying up my entire PGP hole at the start of the week, telling myself I need to treat myself well. 

I am really horrible. I can take care of anyone, anything, except myself. I am a walking irony, an epitomy of extremism, a living, breathing oxymoron. 

Let's see, I exercise out of this irrational need to feel fit (which I rarely ever feel), but I'm not particularly mindful of my health. Time and time again, I tell myself to watch the toxins I throw into my mouth, and think of the consequences, but I don't. I'm seriously addicted to caffeine, and started consuming (very expensive) sugar free red bull to up the caffeine in my brain instantly. This week, I resisted and stuck to coffee. But today, I gave in and drunk Red Bull on the way to piano class. Why? Because I was feeling depressed, and lousy. And I believe caffeine makes me happy. 

Interestingly, Ray once pointed out that caffeine works well due to a placebo effect...interesting thought. Highly possible, since I immediately think I'm happier once I've drowned myself in caffeine. 

On top of that, I lived on cup noodles for almost three weeks. And no matter how many times I tell myself to stop eating biscuits and cereals, I still do, because I am so sick of PGP's disgusting food. My room is often a mess, clothes all over, notes etc. (not now since I just tidied it, swearing to be SO TIDY for the umpteenth time of my life). 

All these suggest I'm a completely wayward, dishevelled person - certainly not traits of a perfectionist. And yet, I can be so damn perfectionistic in other areas of my life that it kills me. Truth is, I'm all, or else, I'm nothing. With something, I want them perfect. With the rest, I just can't bring myself to take the effort. 

My life is a clutter now, despite the spruced up room. Rather, my emotions, the thoughts in my head, the work... my exercise routine has been disrupted by illness. And I HATE it when my routines are interrupted. I am consumed by guilt and the irrational part of me things I have degenerated into an unfit, limpy piece of thing. 

I'm trying so hard to remind myself to treat myself well. (Chants: My body, my soul, my mind, are my temples) I seriously need to stop all else I'd be hated down the path of self-destruction again. I feel like a bomb ticking ever so slowly, but surely to explode some day. 

I suddenly miss NicNic. If I could, I'd give him a great big hug. And seek some solace in our crazy ways. And I know we will understand- we and our extreme ways. We're seemingly different, but fundamentally the same. We just practice extremism on different things. 

Hoho, I've just invented the new school of thought - the school of extremism. Only for the craziest, most destructive people. 

I pray for strength to stand up and start decluttering again. I pray for my dearest friend, who needs comfort.