What we want sometimes, we cannot have. Can't force it, can't rush it, can't change it. And so what can I do, but accept, and still myself a bit.

Maybe no amount of time can heal this situation we're in, or where I brought myself to, however much it means to me. I can only hope, otherwise accept.

So, from now on, this burden is mine. All of it.

I now see myself in a very different light. I gain my validation from the world around me. Where else? When the never-perfect girl in me can never provide any assurance. 

And when everything just seems to be going the other way, it just seems like its time to chase the perfect life. The illusion that, at its most illusive, looks like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

I have an interesting job now. Time to work hard. Internship, CP, Thesis... time to get my engine running. I cannot imagine. Especially because- 

The gym, running, and piano are all also part of that perfect life. 

Today was my 'long run' day but I had a stomachache, and was too moody to run. I MUST do the long run, or at least do the gym/run tomorrow. Otherwise, once I stop, it's so hard to jump back into that wonderful routine I do to keep my cool! I've stopped before- the last major break being summer vacation. No more. Never will I ever let myself stop for any extended period unless injury/age/circumstances force me to. UGH I feel so GUILTY for not running today. 

Now I know, I'll be all edgy and dying to run when I'm in the office tomorrow. Just like how I was running over the weekend, but itching for Monday morning to come so that I can dash straight into the gym. I just can never sit still when I break my routine, it's crazy!  

Sometimes, I treasure my friends so much because they remind me to laugh. This is Ban Ban's interpretation of Lipstick Jungle! Which, by the way, is a DAMN cool show about 3 powerful women (yes, its the age of women!). The coolest part? It's set in New York City, the land of all glamour, pain and ice. I watch it and go, 'Hey I've been there!', 'Oh I walked there!', 'Oooo I I missed that place!' 

Man, I do miss New York City. Are we ever happy where we are? I remember the days of missing my friends so darn much while I was there. But also, the days when I just... felt so blessed to be in NYC! So, the best thing to do is teleport my whole life there, including all my friends. 

Now, onward to the next NYC show- Sex and the City! 

I just have to rant one more time - SHIT, why didn't I exercise today! Now I feel SO UGH.