I have many

Emo things which I could write about, but feel like I can't. Many, many, many. Really, the things that go on in my head sometimes, causes so much grief. I grief over people, myself, the state of things. But in all things we can't change, its always acceptance. 

I ran at Pierce today with a new friend. Good to finally run again, but I'm also disgusted by how unfit I am again. When I reached into Pierce, I was really panting. The run out was much smoother though, probably due to dramatically reduced speed. 

I spent quite a lot of today practising piano, mainly to numb myself from any other senseless things which occupy my mind. At least that was quite productive, unlike-

THESIS. I MUST get a proposal up tomorrow. I feel like I'm letting Prof Lee down if I don't get myself back up to speed. =( I'm disappointed with myself as it is. Really, contrary to popular belief, I am this wobbly thing who lives on inertia and procrastination. 

Procrastination, and wallowing- these are the two biggest things that hold us back from living. But all so easy. Yesterday, Terry and i were talking about facing our emotions rather than letting them just swell up inside, til it erupts. But, there's also a very fine line between embracing them and letting it out, and wallowing. Like the line between accepting the things we can't change, and simply using acceptance as an excuse. 

Til this day, I am sometimes tempted to wallow. But I must not. 

Anyway, to continue my year's reflection- 

Well, I was the President of Nuspe. Actually, still am, and will still be. It's something difficult to actually reflect upon, since some of my comm members actually bother to read my blog, and I don't quite know what to make of it sometimes. But in all honesty, I have yet to regret it. It was my chance to contribute to Nuspe, and also live out some of the things I always believed about working with others. It was an exercise of delegation, but I also saw how stressful delegation can be (yes, it's more difficult than it seems!). It was filled with E-mails, E-mails and some more E-mails. But at the end of the day, I think I see it as an expression of gratitude to my piano teacher as well, running his ensemble for him. I made a few good friends along the way... and hopefully, my comm enjoys working together, that's my personal KPI, haha. 

Since I'm the topic of work... I guess my academic performance is really back on track, after a lapse during one really bad sem last year. But in all honesty, since I left JC, these things have ceased to be important to me. Just an avenue to get somewhere else I guess. They don't make me happy, though I guess... (and here's the greatest irony), they could potentially make me really unhappy. The paradoxical situation where doing well doesn't seem meaningful, but not doing well can be like a stab right at your self esteem. 

Anyway, at the end of the day,  I am proud to say that I've been true to myself. I've enjoyed the things I do at school... and put in the effort to them, simply because... I like them. If there's anything I learnt at business school, it's really this- that we can change our attitudes and things instantly become more enjoyable. Less painful. And possibly, everything we ever wanted. 

I sound like Ms. Goody Two Shoes. 

In secret, I'm far from nice and goody. I've a very bitchy, and vengeful heart. But anyway, there's some goody two shoes whom I know many have LOTS to learn from!