shagged

Had dinner with BanBan at Marches today. It was a nice, super cold evening. Sorry I was so tired Ban...but the food was nice.

And I was so shagged because... I have barely slept in the past two nights. Started the non-stop CP since Friday evening...I usually spend Saturday afternoons practising all the way til lesson time, but last Saturday afternoon, I barely practised. I was churning out chapters after chapters of statistical findings on petrol kiosks... After piano lesson, it was back to CP until Sunday morning... went to teach piano, then had CP meeting...

After CP meeting, I was in major panic. So many things to write, and so little time. I wrote and wrote and wrote from last night (no, actually I spent a lot of time actually thinking about how best to present some stuff)... fell asleep for about four hours at 5am, and wrote until 2pm today. 

And throughout last night, I kept thinking I was just going to burn out, breakdown, and panic at any moment. Of course I didn't have time to do anything like that, but I really had that tight feeling in my chest - the sensation that a major panic attack was going to strike any moment. Just kept telling myself to stay calm and keep writing, which I did.

But that's not the point. What I keep wondering is, why do I always allow myself to actually start panicking and think I can't make it? When I have always emerged absolutely fine. When I always know I will complete my work at the end. It's strange. I know I can do it, and yet I still freak out. It's sheer irrationality. 

And when I emerge safe, sound and sane, I tell myself I've been so lucky all my life. 

Oh, I really have to thank my DEH NicNic CheongCheong this time round. For all the encouragement all the way from Canada, and reminders to keep my cool. Thanks so much. Come back now!