Taking Stock

We supposedly count our blessings at the end of the year and make resolutions when the new year start. So arbitrary, but we all succumb to it. So have I, except I already know my resolutions. The holiday season of decadence (by my standards, pertaining to certain things unspoken about), relative bleakness (didn't do much) and the boring routine of work has already made me start looking at what on earth I'm doing, and what I should be doing. 

I have really let myself slacken and degenerate. This holidays... besides work, I haven't had the energy or drive to achieve much. It's always like this, and it leaves me so disappointed with myself. My thesis isn't even settled yet and I really having been giving much of a damn =(. Sigh, I just have to force myself. Really disgusted at the amount of time wasted. It's the last important thing I have to do in uni, so I guess it's time to actually pull up my socks and work towards something. All my uni life I have been wandering, letting things be, and taking things for granted. Really, however well I may do, its just not that meaningful since I always just let things be. I look, and ask myself, what is it that I achieved in school which I actually worked so hard towards that I deserved it? 

Many people I think deserve so many things. If I could, I'd give it to them. Really. I feel happy when good people get the good things in life.

So, resolutions part (why wait til 2009 to start?)- 

1. Reduced my caffeine intake-

Winston keeps pointing out that I drink so much (well, to him, one cup a day is already A LOT and ABNORMAL, which I disagree). And I think... it's really bad. Somedays, the moment I wake up, I get a headache, and whether it is because of caffeine or not, I assume it is and head to down a cup. And more often than not, I drink more during the day. I think I'll try to cut to max. one caffienated drink a day. Maybe I should have a caffine free day in future, like coffeeless Sunday... but I don't know if I can handle that right now.

2. I've been trying forever, but still BE MORE NEAT, ORGANIZED, CLEAN AND TIDY. I swear my room's in a much better state now, but can be better. One day I'm going to be like Bree in Desperate Housewives. Absolutely perfect in tip top condition at all times, haha!

3. GYM AND RUN- that's my resolution every year, and they're important things to me. And I had to make it again this year because.... since I fell sick two weeks ago, I have only exercised once. I can't believe just two weeks ago I was running up to 12km a day and now, I'm full of inertia just because I stopped when I was sick. Haven't seen the gym in weeks either. 

4. Start being more motivated with school. Its not that I want to be a superwoman and achieve a million things and a string of As. Those are not important to me, but I think it's probably important that I have some sort of an ambitious streak and approach the things I do with some drive. Instead of the same old complacency, inertia, and general 'whatever, heck' attitude.

5. Finish off my term with NUSPE properly. I guess the first half when well, much thanks to a remarkable comm, and an exceptional VP. Hopefully I pull it off well in the second half. I'm really so grateful to my comm... I'm sure it could have been a harder job (not that it isn't hard enough sometimes) if not for them. Probably owe it to them to continue getting the job done. Though sometimes, I just want to ... slack. Delegate away then slack and heck. But I've also learnt that delegating isn't that easy a job... 

6. Pass my piano diploma... that's not the real resolution, the real underlying resolution is what I need to do to get there... i.e. improve my ability at the piano (which also entails much more patience). Which leads to other things like putting up a good show at Touch with Sooty. 

7. Take better care of myself. In all ways. Someone once told me that I can take care of the whole world but myself. 

There are a few other resolutions I feel compelled to make, but they're private.

Anyway, it's been a ride of a year. As with all years, there're certain really great things (though not spectecular), but also horrifying events. I am just especially thankful for a few people who came into my life in the year. Ban, Nic, Jiayuan... some of the people who gave me the most support ever. Sooty, who makes me laugh quite a bit. And to some extent, Terry - a colleague from Futurebrand whom I might not always talk to, but is one of those whom I meet and believe deserve the good things in life. And also Erwin, who I occassionally bitch about life to, and is always there (can't believe we used to hate each other). I've had a few excellent project mates, and I got to work on CP with Winston, my relatively long time friend from business. Well, a few other people really made a difference to my life at different points too.

Unfortunately, at this point, when I look back at the year, the most striking thing is the lost of someone who was one of the people closest to me, ever. (Just to clarify, no one died). It was one of those people whom I always assumed I'd never fall out with, and forever share a great friendship with. Someone always there, whom I trusted with my life. Sadly, we fell out (by my own definition), twice over the year. And when it happened over no fault of mine, I felt completely betrayed, and blamed it on myself. Thankfully, it eventually became clear to me that sometimes, people just act in the worst ways, and we can't force them to change. And sometimes, we just have to give, without expecting anything in return. And forgive, without expecting anything in return. 

But for now, after so long, and making excuses... I am finally. ANGRY. Not in a raging way, just really disappointed, and really delayed anger. And those who know me also know that I'm rarely angry... and its just really bizarre that I've truly forgiven, but am now angry. Maybe its just pride. Blah. 

They say a leopard never changes its spots, but I still hope otherwise. The person in question has lost my respect, but I still care deeply enough to pray that he/she learns one day. And that life treats him/her well eventually. 

I also have come to see that sometimes, shit happens, and we just have to suck it up. Without being too bitter and cynical about the unfairness of it all. Strength comes from accepting what you can't change.

Well, that sums up one major event of the year. More in a bit. For now, I'd like to settle into bed, and follow through the resolve to treat myself well by resting.