Colour Me Stressed

I don't know what the title means. I'm stressed and I'm trying to add colour to my blog. 

On Sunday, Winston and I were so fed up with work we went to Orchard... shopped loads ( I bought two dresses, three blouses...) and ate SHARK FINS at crsyal jade!

One of my first photos with Wins in a long time. 

Some statue in the middle of Orchard Road which Winston wishes he knew what it represented.

Had an interview then went to SMU

..met Chris!

I've no idea why I've been so frustrated lately. I just AM. And when I'm stressed, my exercise syndrome comes back. All I think about it releasing tension by exercising... in the day, I get miserable in the cold library and all i want to do is SWIM and busk in the sun. Other times, I want to gym... or RUN, RUN, RUN! I'm getting fit again!

It's 1:09pm and I JUST WOKE UP. 

Feel so guilty because 1. I missed church 2. OMG I SLEPT SO MUCH!

The grass is not greener on the other side

I haven't chilled so long, so I decided to have a real chillout by running about 2.5 rounds NUS this evening, after getting back from piano class. Well, it was relatively chill, since I really let go of work and all other horrors (i.e. more work) and let myself just run to music for an hour. I do feel a lot better. 

This is so cheesy, but the olympic song 'Reach' played on my mp3 and I suddenly felt better. And also, Dance with me Tonight, from the movie Music and Lyrics by Hugh Grant. It sounds so dumb that a semi-purist like me can gain inspiration from a pop song, but I did. 

I know that it seems that the grass will grow
Better on the other side of the barb wire fence
But that other side is not in sight
So I’m fine with what I have now
If you’ll dance with me tonight

What’s the point of life
If risk is just a board game
You roll the dice
But you’re just hoping that the rules change
What’s the point if you can’t bring yourself to say
Things you wanna say like
Dance with me tonight

No, I am not planning to dance with anyone (yuck!), but I never noticed what it said about the grass always being greener on the other side, and being contented with the moment you're in. Suddenly, it occurred to me that in my whines about work and obligations, I've lost sight of how things have turned around for me. I've been on the grass on the other side, and it was no greener, if not completely barren. 

Just one year ago, at this point, I was still running about that barren land, but now, this is so much better, fresher. Which really means, I can just grin and bear with things now. 

Some people tell me I'm a superwoman, and I really hate it, becasue truth is, I am not. I just pick and choose things important to me. Perhaps others wonder how I can afford to start teaching piano to kids. Well, it's just once a week, and really, it keeps me sane. When I'm at work, I've no choice but to simply put everything else aside and teach my kids. And I'm the kind of person who needs good things to occupy myself for extended periods, before I steer myself into self destruction. 

Besides, I've some nice kids. There's a French girl who speaks very little English, and was really shy at first. But she has really opened up, and started counting with me, and singing sometimes. I just love her, and she's so pretty that I feel like buying her dresses to wear, haha! Last week, she asked her mother what my name was, and her mother made her ask me herself. She did it so shyly! aww. And there's another older girl, whom I like because she is quite humble, and really, has a good attitude. Nice too! Nothing like the prideful brat that I was in the past. 

I feel somewhat recharged. 

Oh, and more say they don't understand how I find the time to exercise. Well, don't watch TV, don't watch movies, don't watch videos on Youtube, dont' go out. Well, that is true of me now, but that's not really it - I know after I finish exercising, I feel happy and fresh. =) 

So, with mid sem break ending in one day, I trudge on. 

Security and Narcissism

Detracting from the main subject of this post, let me talk about my day in a very clinical way, for the benefit of Sooty, who claims I write emo, and play emo Grieg. I happen to be the least emo person I know. When I sound emo, it's because I'm thinking about sad things. I don't emo for nothing. hur hur.

In fact, I'm capable of being so cold it scares me, and I hide it deep in my heart.

So here begins my stoic, clinical self!

Today, I woke up at 9am, realized gym closes at 10am, and headed for a mind numbing workout. Literally mind numbing because I was so sleepy that I was doing all the weights really mechanically. In fact, I really enjoyed the back workout thing because I was lying down.

After that, I proceeded to rot in bed, and I was literally rotting, because to my horror, I discovered I fell asleep without showering. Next, I talked to Anirban online, to bitch about see-eff-aye stuff before taking a shower. And then had breakfast (polar snack, so nice and salty!), and then met Ban to discuss what I should wear for concert (purple!). And he bought me a No Whining magnet, what the hell.

At 12, I went to practice piano with my current partner, Pei Yee. Also banged around the piano with some six-hands stuff with Sooty and Mingli, before Sooty started showing off. I wrote 'Sooty is a big show off, shoo Sooty' on the whiteboard, and then headed for teaching.

One of my students didn't turn up today. I was quite happy she didn't, because it meant I could leave a bit earlier and ensure I was early for coaching. I played badly for coaching, and run through. But everyone said I sounded more emo than ever. Ku said I sound like I haven't been practising. =( (I have!) But I don't blame him, coz it was really disgusting in my opinion. It sounded much better at the start of the week.

We had dinner at Sun Bistro. I love their food, but I wish I ate the usual Mui Fan. Sooty borrowed money from me, but I told him he can return me 50 cents instead of 50 dollars just to make him feel bad about my kind and forgiving nature.

_______________________________________________

Today, I read the beginning of "The Kennedy Curse" on the bus. There was a brief portion when the biographer talked about narcissism, and somehow, his explanation of it left such an impression on me that I knew I had to write about it.

'Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves. They are full of self-loathing and self-destructie impulse. Because they are obsessed with enhancing their grandiose image at the expense of their true self, they are more concerned with how they appear than with how they feel. What's more, since narcissists are so deadened to their own feelings, they are incapable of loving others'.

Narcissists do not love themselves - now, that was impactful. Not the revelation about narcissism (it is not more surprising than arrogant people being the most vulnerable to fear among us all), but what it essential alludes to- insecurity. It seems that we can never escape insecurity, but it takes so many forms- self condemnation (both in private and in public), arrogance, narcissism, pursuing all things material, vainity, self deprecation, depression, withdrawal.

If we deconstruct the situation further, it's almost as if we live in a world so unsafe, filled with dangers, and all our fears. And we can't deal with it, but we pretend, by avoidance (say, leading a completely hedonistic lifestyle), disguise (undue arrogance and pride) or acceptance (low self esteem).

And yet, God promises a love to be safe in, which could bring more security than any other things we chase.

I also happen to believe that, in general (yes, there are exceptions), women are even more vulnerable than ever to insecurity. So many things, men included, tell us we are not good enough. At the end of the day, in my humble opinon, women simply crave security. Yet, complete security is just... never complete enough.

A friend, in acknowledgement about women being constantly judged, once told me he believes that women should be told they are beautiful.

This is really sweet. I'd be quite happy if I marry someone who enjoys playing the piano. We can grow old without feeling bored.

Anyway, I had a short, but really enjoyable time anal-ing at the piano today. Practised a bit of my upcomming concert solo, which I'm looking forward to playing because it's one oy my favourite pieces ever, in my history of piano playing. And one of Chopin's Noctourne (goodness I don't know how to spell!). A long way to go, but I really had fun working out the fingering, trying my best to pay attention to the smallest details like timing, rests, sharps etc, so that my teacher doesn't have to spend time going through things-I-should-have-known during lessons. When I have the patience to sit down, i really do enjoy pondering over the nitty gritty stuff... sometimes it just takes your mind off. 

Exercising was fun today too. Swam 12 laps in the hot sun, and improved my freestyle! In the evening, I had a good short run with Kebs to YIH, before continuing at the track. The weather was good, and I was relaxed, calm, cool. Mind was occupied, but... it was still all good.

After running, we headed to NUH, and I finally ate my favourite soya bean ice-cream from Mr Bean after so long! =) Me is a happy girl. 

It was my dad's birthday yesterday and I made this for him.

And this!

Ode to my sweetest love

O, Perfection, Perfection

My bittersweet love-

Such unblemished beauty, 

To all your suitors.

Who chase, and chase-

For you're so illusive,

And all we see,

Is your tainted beauty.

O, Perfection, Perfection,

You're almost like a dream,

That never comes true. 

And yet some of us are born-

To wait, and wait, for you,

On you. For you flirt, and tease, 

Like a tart, yet remain untouched-

So pure, so desirable. 

Extremity

I am a very extreme person. Either I do everything I set out to, or I do nothing. Such tendencies, and self expectations, tend to give me more stress than necessary, stand in the way of the ultimate goal of happiness. 

According to Winston, the ultimate goal in life is to be happy. But question is, what makes it tick? What makes one happy? In particular, what makes Cheng Wei happy? Give me the answer and I'll marry you, hurhur. 

If I could, I'd quit school and spend my days running, swimming and practising piano.  Anyway, I've been swimming lately, like the feeling of soaking in water when the sun is out. After being out of practice, I'm a really lousy swimmer (was lousy to start with). But I've been improving, and getting myself back in shape. I'm slowly learning to swim the freestyle properly again, so that I can survive more than a lap. (Swam quite a few laps today, with breast stroke in between.) 

I guess my mind and heart is both numb, and hardened. That I no longer find that space to grieve. I can only feel disappointment, and a bit of anger. But I press on, and be the same to my dearest friend, because it's a promise, and I want to. 

Some things don't change

Some things never change, and I give up on putting up. Or holding back. Here comes a (hopefully) productive mid sem break all about me, myself, and I. Whatever I need to do, I will. 

Strangely, the disappointment is so huge it makes me feel better.  

But anyway, things to do this week...

1. Running a bit more certainly doesn't hurt my really unfit state. (but I ran two rounds NUS yesterday!)

2. Thesis Proposal

3. Group projects (3 of them) 

4. More piano practice 

5. Being myself

6. A bit of time with good friends. 

Some things don't change. I don't know if I'm judgemental, or some people, are just more self centered than others. I can be pretty selfish too. I don't know. This is all so... arbitrary, the way we all perceive things. 

Adding some colour to my blog

I have chopped off my beautiful mane.
Much lighter! I don't think I look great, but I'm not particularly concerned now. haha
My mum also cut her hair, on a separate occassion. This is a major accomplishment for her. Her hair has been freaking long forever.
My brother just enlisted into national diving unit!
I'm a true blue purple purple fan. I just got a purple mouse!

This morning I woke up at 7:30am to practice piano. Everything was fine (not great) as I practised in segments, looking at the fingering, the sound, the hand position. Then when I got tired at 11am, I stopped-

and suddenly nothing is fine again.

The Art of Losing

Temptations are hard to temper. 

In some ways, I've not lost a thing... but in many ways, 

it feels like I've lost a battle,

and so much more. The cup is half empty, 

and I feel like I shell.  The pretty shell washed onto the shore, 

all smiles, painted with glory.

But a hollowness echos from within, dying to be heard.  

I work on and on, until I feel so tired I just crash and hide my unhappy self beneath

my smelly blanket. And I could really use a crash which lasts for some time. 

______________________________________________________

One Art

by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something everyday.  Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther,  losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel.  None of these things will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Old habits-

are hard to change. Especially when they're familiar, comforting, tempting.

Many of them, these old habits.

At the heart of the matter

I guess I'm okay. My work is fine, I'm doing matter things, I'm exercising,  ed is kept at bay mostly, I even have the energy to wake up at 7:30am to hit the gym. Except it feels like half of me is rotting away and would rather waste the time away. 

There's a sense of isolation that stems not from the lack of (potential) company, but from the struggle to keep the burden in, and strong. 

Some things, these things, I feel so strongly about. But it's just me, and I can't change it. It's what makes me who I am, and drives the way I treat some. 

Tapestry!

=) I'm playing a solo and duet item this time round. The solo's one of my favourite pieces to play. EVER. 

My 10 second window of happiness

Despite everything that has been weighing down so heavily upon my heart and mind, this really made me laugh/smile so genuinely for a short while.

Winston's sister just had her second baby boy. He was so excited about it, so I thought I'd congratulate him with a 'it's a boy!' and 'welcome baby' balloon...(almost bought red eggs too) He looks so happy, beaming with amusement... I think the 'it's a boy!' really refers to him.

Did I mention. I told Winston I bought him something taller than me and said it was a tree. And he BELIEVED it.

I was feeling really depressed from last night til today. Mildly sobered up, so... work, work, work.

Empty

The days are packed, filled with obligations, work and people. But after the mad rush, the stretch to the point of exhaustion, I sit down alone-

And it all starts to sink right in. The feeling right at my very core is beyond words. But it sets the tears flowing. For no good reason, but that's the only release of the million crazy things.

I am really so exhuasted. I'm letting myself sleep tonight.

Guildenstern: Words, words, words, that's all we have to go on.

Work, Work, Work, that's all I have to go on.

I really hope whatever I have done puts things to a close, and brings peace.

Conflict is abound in my heart, but that's my own business.

Some people never fail to disappoint, and that's their own business.

I've spent last night til today doing productive work, and I am quite satisfied with myself. I also gymmed for the first time since May today. In normal circumstances, it would be a good, truly satisfying day.

But it's still there, and it still hurts. In my heart, I secretly struggle between doing what is right/wrong. Sometimes, I am almost tempted to tell myself that I DO deserve to do what's wrong and let myself go.

I can only mindlessly numb myself.

'Consider it pure joy, my brothers [and sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.'
James 1:2-5

I guess, with everything I have overcome and been through, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to go on.

And I've forgiven, but I'm still not sure about forgetting. My pride tells me that I'm too weak with my forgiveness, but I guess, anger and hatred only serves to make me unhappier. Grudge is like a tool of revenge, and I don't find it right for me to use it.

With patience, I wait and sit(work) through.

Sometimes I just wish to exist in my own unhappy shell.

Stressed and Blessed

Everything is piling up. I still need better discipline, better time management, better organization, better priorities.

So, I've counted three things that are equally important for me to do well and give my best shot at - and there's really no space for anymore commitments. Life has thrown me numerous great things, and stress.

Stressed, but blessed. At the minimum, I pursue things meaningful for me.

Seriously, no longer does old habits have a place in my life. They serve no purpose, and I've time. Gone are the days when I'm crazy enough to mull over the most redundant, sickening things.

With everything that we comes to be in our posession, there is a price to pay. God gave me my blessings, and with all the accompanying stress, I guess he'll provide a way whatever happens.

Guil:(Flips a coin) The law of averages, if I have got this right, means that if six monkeys were thrown up in the air for long enough, they would land on their tails about as often as they would land on their---

Ros: Heads. (He picks up the coin.)

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, but I recall them sometimes, out of the purple blue.

I feel like the coin has flipped four and a half times- half because it's barely balancing on its edge, and I'm afriad that I may know which side it may fall on. And then, I frequently ask, and question, and wonder if its worth my while, my security, my sense of self worth. And then again, occassionally, I wonder if I should just slam the coin down already.

Anyway, I went swimming yesterday, and today. Never really was a fan of it, but its quite a relaxing alternative! But, it's time to shower and get back to work.