nuspe@esplanade concourse

I was rather satisfied with my own performance, more so than the first evening. =) I get bored hearing my own piece, but everyone assured me its no fault of mine. HAHA

We can never take good photos, no fault of mine. I'm forgiving Kebs for this because I think I look decent here.

Mark Sim! He and Sooty steal the show, all the time!

NICNIC aka CHEONGCHEONG aka my DEH CAME. That totaLEE deserves a 'HOMYGAWD' complete with our signature hand gesture. He never fails to tell me how its a waste of time for him to ever come to any of my concerts, but yesterday, he said he would 'consider really hard' and came. CheongCheong!

Rehearsal.

My best ever Vice President BanBan and Stage Manager.

Disappointment. It's her own life, and not for me to judge. However, I cannot help but feel deeply disappointed, let down. Admist the times of despair, tears, I believed that there must have been a beautiful heart, just shrouded by dark things. And yet, I now only see the word 'selfish', much as I still care, love. Respect? I don't know. The things the folks have done, put up with... maybe she has her reasons, that I might never know. Even if such (spoilt) sweet carrots were dangled at my lips, I can't, I can't. For I don't deserve, and neither do they.

Since coming back, I've mainly been lazying, and practising. I was rather pleased with last night's performance. Hopefully today will provide greater satisfaction for everyone.

The rest of Beijing

My camera went out of battery and I stupidly didn't bring the charger, so here are pictures from others. Most of them were taken at chaoyang garden - a very big garden I could never finish walking.

House. TiaoTiaoHu took this with the purple flowers just for u to see. =)

The remaining are from 798 art district.

Home

As the plane started on its descend, I looked out into the darkness, the bright lights outlining the city below. Anticipating, wondering just how near I was to the ground. When we finally landed, I found myself clasping my palms together - the gesture wasn't deliberate. It felt like a spontaneous prayerof thanks - I was safe, sound, and home.

I'm in Singapore!

Home feels good. But still, a part of me is missing my life outside this place.

When its time to leave,

I will have to walk away.

This trip has sprung unexpected surprises at me. I've seen, felt and experienced things I never imagined I'd do over here.

Being here, I've gotten a glimpse (surely, it's only a glimpse, however I have adapted to the place) of how the chinese live, what China is like, and the potential of the waking dragon. I've missed home, but I have found things to remember here, and miss when I go back. For some strange reason, I am absolutely impressed by the new Subway Line 10. The trains are so nice, so new, so cool - can watch Olympics in there!

Yesterday, I had dinner with Uncle Chin and his family again, who wished me a safe flight as I left. It was nice to meet up with them, and see a family, stay close as they're scattered over three countries. It's a nice, warm family, I think. =)

I can't imagine what the moment I step through the departure gate at Beijing International Airport would feel like.

At least I know what stepping into Changi International Airport's Arrival Termainal will be like - I will sigh in relief, and say, I am home. And then switch on my hp, call a number of people.

Rant from my ivory tower

Some people live in their own worlds, revel in their own comforts, and are oh-so-proud of themselves and what they were born with (no, they did not earn it). It's fine to take pride, but not to be foolishly narrowminded, ignoring the big picture, and forever remain stuck thinking that the world around them isn't moving ahead as they sit in their air-conditioned rooms, reeking of fresh, intoxicating perfume.

Fool!

Morbid Musings

A very bad headache, a close friend's blog entry, and a (meaningful) conversation with a confidante has led me to want to write about death.



I've been wondering - if I were to drop dead and die, right this moment, what would happen?



I'd imagine that besides my family, who'd natural be devastated, there'll be a few others - maybe 4 or 5 who would be crushed as well. A few would think 'she was so nice', some would be in disbelief - 'she was fine just yesterday/last week/two days ago'. One might live in regret, two may not laugh in awhile (but who knows, they could move on), it will cry, and wish and miss. A few - I've no idea how they'd react. A few will grieve, and (coldly) wisely move on with life.



And then, many many many others, would be sitting in groups and saying, 'she was a year from graduating with honours'. Hopefully, a few will join in, and speak of the real me.



...



If I knew I might die, and could meet just one person - I think my life would just slip away thinking who I should meet. The one I most want to meet. The ones who would want to meet me, and I should want to meet. The one I might utter dumb things to. The one who might calm me. The one who knows me, my fears, and saved my life. The one I respect so much. The one who would make me laugh. The one who'd hold me. The one I'd want to hold. This one, that one... oh dear. I think I'll leave silently.

I remember the play I studied, 'Rosencrantz and Guildernstern'. It described death so vaguely, and yet so aptly.

Rosencrantz: Do you think Death could possibly be a boat?
Guildenstern: No, no, no... Death is "not." Death isn't. Take my meaning? Death is the ultimate negative. Not-being. You can't not be on a boat.

not-being.

Guildenstern: All your life you live so close to truth it becomes a permanent blur in the corner of your eye. And when something nudges it into outline, it's like being ambushed by a grotesque.

Guildenstern: No, no, no … you've got it all wrong … you can't act death. The fact of it is nothing to do with seeing it happen – it's not gasps and blood and falling about – that isn't what makes it death. It's just a man failing to reappear, that's all – now you see him, now you don't, that's the only thing that's real: here one minute and gone the next and never coming back – an exit, unobtrusive and unannounced, a disappearance gathering weight as it goes on, until, finally, it is heavy with death.

=)

It's probably not a nice thing for you to feel, but I'm glad you told me. You must have put down quite a bit of pride to say that, and for that, I feel like I can almost put everything behind me. =)

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 14/15

Yesterday, I practised piano for one hour after work. I've been increasingly slacking in my practise, playing less and less. I almost didn't want to practise yesterday, but it was a good thing I did, for I was in quiet a good shape yesterday.

Yesterday, I visited 南罗古乡after work. It's a little street of old hu2 tong4 (only recently found out it's not hu2 tong2), turned into little shops, restaurants, cafes and pubs, one of the new hangouts for Beijing-ers. I enjoyed walking through, and my companion and I stopped by a 'guitar bar' for a drink and to listen to some music. I tried translating some English songs into Chinese - such as bridge over troubled water. It all sounded so ridiculous, when translated in Chinese; I made the songs sound silly!

We then walked quite far, before settling for sichuan food for dinner. OH MY GAWD. I chose about 4 dishes (without rice) and they were HUGE. It was sufficient for my entire family to have a meal it they were all here. I think we ate about1/4 of the food, and it costs 60+ RMB. Amazing. I realize the Chinese don't mind wasting food; my friend told me that they like it big, even if it can't be finished. No way can I do that in Singapore - sheer waste of money (which I'm running short on, even here!)

After strolling back down the alley of 南罗古乡, we decided to go to 后海. I just visited lately, but liked it very much. It's much less crowded on a weekday, so I really enjoyed walking by the lake, and hearing the different music of each bar from the outside. One bar even had Chinese opera and stunt shows, it's so interesting! I just didn't like all the touting, which is a common sight here - people asking you to visit their bars every five minutes. We found a (really short) chair to sit down and chatted for a long time as I admired the colourful lights reflected on the lake. Nice. I bet if I were there in the day, I'd discover it's horribly dirty.

I discovered something! I'm very jumpy! The road at the alleys are very narrow, but cars and bicycles do drive through. So everytime something comes honking at my back, I jump. In the end, my friend let me walk on the inside instead. haha! My mum has always said I don't keep calm.

___________________________________________________

I've been slipping out of control quite a bit, willingly, knowingly, willfully. And I don't quite know what to do. I absolutely hate it, and am tempted to blame all of life and fate for doing this to me - all these ups and downs. I don't think I'll ever be free - and even if the key to this cage were handed to me upon a golden plate, I'm not sure I could bring myself to take that leap, and then grab it. This is a crazy crazy world, filled with contradictions, indecision, and extremes - its people push away gd words and help sometimes, but then, live for love. They're are told they are vain, childish, selfish - perhaps, but also very misunderstood.

I can only move forward and backward in the cage and hope it expands.

Pictures from 798 art district

I especially liked this. Close enough, you can see that the image in each camera was painted carefully to reflect a different angle.

This is called 'the border', or something along that lines. As you walk through, the words on te floor tells a story

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 12

I HAD SUCH A GREAT WEEKEND =) Really saw different sides of Beijing, and I'm realizing it's a very exciting city! I am not determined to go somewhere every night, anywhere, as long as I see something different each time.







For the better half of the day, I went to visit the 798 ArtSpace in Beijing, which was really fabulous. (http://www.798space.com/index_en.asp). 798 is named as such because the area was originally factory no. 978, and the factory buildings were reconstructed into many art galleries. It showcases contemporary art work for free with a very wide variety of displays, including both international and local artist, paintings, scuptures, mixed media display (this was a fascinating first-time for me!), vidoes, photography, computer art work... Trust me when I say, even if you are an art-idiot or hate art, you will find something you enjoy there. In fact, THINGS.

It's so big, and there are so many things that we walked til our calfs ached.



I am really so glad my colleagues took me to 798; it's the kind of place I probably wouldn't visit by myself. I had to see it to realize how fun it was. The good 5-6 hours we spent walking together was also a good chance for me to practice my mandarin (I've insisted they only speak to me in mandarin from now on), as well as get to know my colleagues a bit better, learning more about China, and answer their questions about Singapore. They're really a fun group of people, just that I've no choice but to devote my lunch breaks to piano, so I can't hang out much with them.



I just can't reiterate how much I enjoyed myself! I'll have pictures to show when I get them from my colleagues!





After we disperesed, I went to wang fu jing, the busiest, central district of Beijing. I was there briefly two year ago, and I alraedy found it to be vibrant, modern, happening. Today, I got a shock when I saw it. IT IS COOL SHIT. I merely walked through one level of the first shopping mall I saw, and I was so intimidated - vivocity doesn't feel huge anymore. So much space, such huge stalls... and international labels, all so expensive, such big stores, and some I haven't even heard of! Many of them are not even available in Singapore. I got out once I finally found the other end of Level 1, because I felt so intimidated, in such a high-class, huge space. I ignored all other shopping centres after that and settled for walking along the 'walking street', a long pedestrian space in between stores...

Just walking was exciting enough. I was a lone ranger, a purposeful wanderer walking stright, straight, straight... absorbing the lights, the colours, the noise, the vibrancy. Amazed by the huge storefronts, the people drinking at the pubs in between. And the 'food alley' has been revamped, very nice, with so much interesting food, along with little alleys selling crafts. Truly commercialized, hyperorientalized, olympic tourist district, but still, amazing. As I walked along wang fu jing, I recalled a line I wrote for my eco-city assignment during wotk, 'many countries have the ability to build and eco-city, but only the Chinese have the will to do it.' I thought it was one of the government's way of showing-off, but no - I finally saw it for myself, and then understood that there are so many people, that they can do so many things when the government wants to do it. As many locals have told me, 'Beijing looks different everyday, we all can't keep up.' Construction sites pop up everyday, and reconstruction works are completed in breakneck speed. Buildings, roads and highways are built in a matter of months, or even weeks at times, simply because there is an endless supply of manpower. I'm in... awe. China is fascinating in it's own way.

Anyway, I discovered the international book store - four levels of books, cds, dvds, and just every kind of book I would think of. I didn't have that much time to shop there, because I ran into a Russian couple trying to buy chinese cds (probably to sell) and spent ages translating their very rudimental Eng to Chi to the sales assistant. (see, I can act as a translator now!) That took forever because they were flashing cds after cds in front of me and wanting to know what it was, and whether it was popular.

That was near the piano score section. THE PIANO SCORES ARE SO CHEAP. I didn't even have time to finish looking, but I was tempted to just buy everything, every collection, every compilation. I managed to buy the Yellow River Concerto Duo Piano Transcription and a collectio of Chinese Duo Piano works - happy! NUSPE will have new things to look at, even if it's just for exposure. Also got stuff like Chopin's Polanaise (SGD 5.50), a collection of 220 piano masterpieces (10 SGD), another collection (35 SGD) etcetcetc... and I'm going back tomorrow after work to continue looking. I still haven't looked through the textbooks, the books and the foreign language books - just imagine, ten shelves of German language books for learners! I need to get some Chinese-English books as well - my spoken mandarin seems to have been improving almost as quickly as Beijing has, and I'm determined to keep it up. I'm actually considering getting a Chinese novel to see what it's like. To think I used to have such a bad attitude to Chinese classes! I now wish I was good, and am glad I've learnt so many words in just a matter of days of non-stop Mandarin.

I've walked at least 12km in the past two days. Tired! And it's back to work tomorrow. I rather go exploring =(.

F. I'm going nuts.

This morning, I washed my hands with soap twice before washing my face.

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 11

I had a screw up in the morning, and almost ruined my entire day by wallowing in self pity and misery in my hotel room, but I woke up pretty early and forced my self to get up and get out. =) I really should do whatever I can, touristy or not.

You know Cheng Wei is bored when:

1. She does a manicure because it is cheap (cannot get a good pic of my fingers because of the reflection from the glitter and the light pink)

2. She puts a (temp) tattoo on her ankle.

3. She starts wearing hairbands in spite of looking 'toot'.

I went shopping at the hypermart near my place, and managed to get some stuff. Maybelline lip gloss is really cheap over here. And I got my Dad's gift, and stuff for Kebs. Yay, happy, excited to give. =)

It was REALLY HOT today, hot and thankfully dry, or I would have been drenched in sweat from walking non-stop. I felt like I was running a fever, and was half blinded by the sun. I checked out the China World Trade Centre and its shopping mall on the way - very high end brands, people who actually shop there are very rich, and I felt so out of my place in my polo and birks. Nevertheless, I found Mango and bought myself a dress, which I like very much; it's been a long time since I've put on something and really liked it and believed I look good, ahahah.

Speaking of Mango. I saw a caucasian man outside the changing room - tall, old, but rather suave, kind of like Richard Gere. I kept hearing him talk to someone in the changing room and naturally, I asummed it was his wife. When she finally came out, it was clear she was a prostitute. He bought her clothes worth 2600 RMB. I felt kind of grossed out by that - I could not help but belittle the both of them, and think about how the whole situation disgusts me. Though it did strike me that I might never know how it is like to be struggling each day, and turning to indecent jobs to make quick money. She might have her reasons, but still, it irks me. The man? Even more gross.

I took the longest subway ride ever to wu3 dao4 kou3, followed by a 40min walk to Beijing University, which nearly killed me because the heat seemed to have gotten worst. I got distracted by shops long the way and ended up walking into one of their local 'giordano-equivalents' and picked out 6 shirts, 5 of which are for guys, haha. I had foolishly added to my burden of walking to the university! Nevertheless, good deal, and I'm really happy that I got my brothers some shirts which are very cool, imho. Some for friends, and one for Johnny, since he has been so kind to me!

I've been to Beijing University for Summer School, but it was still nice to see the campus again. It's truly a cultural icon in its own way - it has some modern buildings, but very Chinese in its scenery, and some old blocks. I most admired the wei4 ming2 hu2 (yet-to-be-named-lake, which has been unnamed since the university opened til now, I think) and had a good time walking around with Johnny's company.

Beijing University Library. It's very impressive if you look at the entire view from the front.

Some monument - apparantly, it was used to store water in the past. In spite of the heat, it was considered a day with excellent weather - look at the clear blue skies. That is truly rare.

Bridge by the river.

Finally got a shot with Johnny!

I took this shot for the benefit of my Dad, who always tells me my name implies flowers (no idea how though), and he wants me to take a photo with loads of flowers at the back. This will suffice for now.

I THINK this thing says the yet-to-be-named lake is a heritage area to be protected.

wei4 ming2 hu2. See that shadow, that's Johnny!

West exit of the university.

Johnny had to leave for a birthday dinner with Bryna, whom I happen to know through common friends in Nanyang. On the way out, I passed by the canteens I used to eat at, and decided to have dao1 xue1 mian4 myself (knife-sliced-noodles). This was one of my favourite local dishes the last time I came, and it was so good I ate the whole bowl.

Oh, I had the WORST toilet experience ever in one of the university toilets. Beijing's toilets have generally improved massively; in fact, they're now so 'normal' that I havent really had any that made me cringe in discomfort. Today was HORRIBLE though, far worst than any toilet I've been into in my life. And I don't say this because I'm a spoilt clean freak - I've used many poor toilets before in my trips to different parts of China, even without doors, and have endured it when I have no choice. However, THIS TOILET -

I really needed to go, so I reluctantly entered, and realized it had no light and was so dark. After feeling my way about a little, I discovered no door. FINE. No one else, just get it over and done with. It was one of those squatting toilets - and halfway, my feet and hands felt wet and I was wondering what was happening; I thought it might have been the wet tissues that I was holding tightly, and therefore squeezing all the water out. Awhile later, I discovered, the toilet bowl was OVERFLOWING, but I didn't notice it because of the dark. Overflowing with all the waste of many many people, which probably has been there for god-knows-how-long. I was so DISGUTED and traumatized by that discovery that I could have just screamed and broke into tears right there and then. I can't describe it enough; it was just AWFUL, knowing how much contaminated gross shit was on my feet and hands.

I left without flushing, for I was worried of more overflowing. And with tears brimming. I think I cleaned my hands so many times with my wet tissues that the cashier thought I was crazy. I just wanted to get home immediately and bathe a million times! And my birks - they cost a 100+ but I was actually considering just dumping it.

Still, I decided not to give in to temptation and rush back in a cab, and survived the two-hour journey home by public transport. In fact, I managed to get over my trauma, until I got into the shower, and bathed about 4 times, until I felt satisfied.

GROSS. GROSS. GROSS. That was EXTREME. Feel like washing my hands again.

Horrible incident aside, I went to explore hou4 hai3 (back of the sea, whatever that means), which is known for it's night life. It's a Chinese clark quay - loads of pubs and restaurants, brightly lit, by a long river. However, it was surrounded by willows, and were actually Chinese shophouses transformed. Very quaint in a ery different sort of way. Hopped into a club which seemed popular (not that there are many there in the first place). My first time dancing since New York! I didn't dance very much, but had a lovely time. I think I shall leave the details out. So cryptic, LOL.

We then took a walk by the river and I admired the brightly lit pubs from across. Nice. =)

Ironically, I had a safe night at the nightspot, but ran into an old lecher the moment I got back to the hotel. This man on the way to his room (probably just came to his spa), helped me to press the button for the glass door to the lift lobby to be unlocked. I thought it was nice of him, until I stepped through, and saw a naked man asking me to follow him to his room, in a tone that suggested it was the most naturally thing to do. I ignore him, and as I waited for the lift, he popped out again, calling me once more. Thankfully, the lift came straight after and that was the end of the bad encounter. GROSS.

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 10

Today was filled with more socializing than I would normally tolerate in a day, but very well spent anyway, because company was excellent.

Lunch was with Karen, my dad's ex colleague, which I have mentioned.

I was pretty excited for dinner the entire day, because it was a chance to catch up with Johnny (old friend) and Uncle Chin and his family (Dad's ex-colleague and kinda old family friends, the type we never fail to meet and military functions.)

Oh, I left work a little early to get a fruit basket for the Chins. Oh dear, it was so heavy and I was cringing under it's weight as I queued for twenty minutes. Following that, the road was so choked with cars (and exhaust fumes) that I couldn't get a cab. Worst, I could barely support the basket with one arm for long enough to really flag a cab. When I finally got one, I couldn't open the door and the taxi driver had to help me!

I must say, in just 10 days, my mandarin has definitely improved. It's no longer so broken, unless I am nervous or thinking or difficult words. I discovered that as I conversed with the taxi driver, who was later surprised to discover I speak English. Quite something uh, that he'd believe my first language is mandarin! =)

Dinner was excellent, I had such a good time chatting with them. And Brian, the youngest son, has certainly grown up. So gently, and a bit embarrassing, and nice to have a young boy bother to serve me soya sauce before himself! Impressed. They were all so friendly to Johnny and I, and the food was mmmm. I'm so glad it was Jap food, I love Jap food and am always afriad of chi restaurant that dish up oil drenched (and I mean OIL DRENCHED) dishes with so much salt I can feel the grains in my mouth. The restaurant claims to have the best tempura, and certainly, it was a legitimate claim.

Uncle Chin's wife (whom I call auntie June) is so amusing, in a nice way. She told us loads of stories, and two of them really stuck, and I'm still laughing about them now -

1. The Hospital Story.
The Chinese are known for their lack of grasp in the concept of privacy, and that applies to visiting a doctor too. She told us about her visit to the doctor for a foot ailment, when every other patient, crowded around her and the doctor, asking her questions (such as how long has she been ill), giving advice, and giving the doctor advice. It's bizzare. A cultural thing, really amazes me.

2. The Story of the Red Tie.
Oh did I mention, their son, Benjy, was a very good friend of mine who studies in NUS Medical School now. He had some interview to pass his exam, and he prepared so hard and forgot to bring his tie in his anxiety. And then, while the Dad tried to borrow from friends he knew at NUH, the mum borrowed a tie from an NUS Security Guard. I don't know why I'm so amused! And it was a red tie, so the security guard wished her and her son good luck. The things parents will do for their kids, sweet.

It was really a good catch up. I rarely enjoy conversations in settings with more than 2 people (3 at most). But I really enjoyed tonight. =)

This weekend will probably be less lonely. I'll be heading to Beida to find Johnny tomorrow and on Sunday, my colleagues will be taking me out! Yay.

I was planning to wake up to run tomorrow since I'm occupied at night, but it's so late now I doubt I'll wake up before the sun blazes. Sigh, freaking out about Army Half Marathon. It's silly, but I'll just really hate myself if I'm slower than last year. Same time, fine, but slower, ugh.

Anyway, I am happy today.

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 10

This morning, the weather was cool, and I got to work without sweating! =)

On the way to work, I saw an old man doing road works, and then a teenage boy, certainly younger than me. Somehow, that image struck me - it's a living for them, and I saw it as emblemetic of the social gap (and certainly, there are people in far worst positions all over the country). It's not like I don't see construction workers in Singapore, but it just hits harder here. Maybe it's the contrast - the existence of an immensely wealthy group of Chinese is evident from some of the malls, housing ostentatious international labels. And there are many of these malls, along with people peddling along streets, the shopkeepers you haggle with at the shopping centre. Why don't I pay so much attention at home? Maybe I assume that the poverty gap is narrower (this I'm fairly sure), and that many people are subsidized for housing, or are given a roof over their head if found to be homeless. Just the other day, I saw an old lady sleeping on a patch of grass with her bag.

All these put me to shame. The things I obsess over! =( However rich or successful I become, if I ever do, I hope I always remember my blessings in life.

I tend to forget I'm an adult, until I meet people younger than me, who are already working harder. That day, my hairstylist cheekily enquired my age, and I was surprised to discover he was a year younger than me, at 21. The thing is, I always feel like I'm still in my pre-20 teenage years, because I'm a student, in the university, only responsible towards my grades and whatever else I choose. When I see people younger than me working, I always cannot pictuer myself in their shoes. At that moment, when someone younger than me was doing my hair, I was once again reminded that I'm a full adult, 20, and I should think like one.

Which means knowing how to take care of myself, grasping the consequences of the things I do, and not holding on to the childish beliefs I had for so long.

Oh yes - I've to mention, the sight this morning once again spurred me into a sense of disgust at Singaporeans who mindlessly complain and criticize every things. We tend to look up at how things could be better, but look down to the ground, which runs deeper. Complain, complain, complain, and not acknowleding the little things we have which others don't. I don't deny that I'm guilty of that, but I try not to criticize without thinking. No place is perfect - I've been to other countries, lived in New York, China, travelled to Europe, and I can say that wherever it was, there were things to like more than my own country, but also things I have at home that were just lacking elsewhere. What we have, what we make out of things, is our attitude - no need to get all bitter! I don't know why these things piss me off so much these days. Of course I have my own criticism about the goverment, or my country, but that doesn't make everything bad. There are enough things for me to make a meaningful life.

I was impressed by my parents' friends whom I met over dinner last week. They said, 'we're in Beijing so we live like the locals.' Meaning that they take busses/MRT wherever they go, rather than hop into cabs all the time. I think that's right, in a sense. I can afford to cab to work everyday (chaeper than my bus ride back home), and back - but I rather walk if I'm not taking the bus, simply because I'd feel bad to be pampering myself like that? Who am I just because my currency is worth more? No point flaunting it since I've to go back to my normal life when I get home.

And I think the same goes for NUS. We love to grouse about how stressful, and rigid it is, and how we hate it (mostly jokingly, I'd like to believe), but it shouldn't be so. I dare say NUS has given opportunities, and experiences that made me thankful to be where I am. I've studied at New York University, and Beijing University (really briefly) - two very different places, each with it's own merits and dismerits relative to my own university. Perhaps if I'm struggling and I hate exams, I'll hate NUS - I can't see past my own experiences. Still, annoys me how everyone loves to complain about where they are! Without any measure of objectivity or rationality.

I've said so much!

I had a lovely lunch today. My dad's colleague picked me up in a huge car with a chauffeur. And took me to lunch at a great Vietnamese place with nice paintings. Dinner with old family friends tonight, an ex army general colleague of my Dad's. What a indulgent day!

I miss you

I always knew I would miss you, and our relaxed conversations - that which I have been missing the entire day, thinking about as I take my 45min walk home from work. I miss our mindless chattering, characteristic language, and sense of ease.

I miss seeing your name as my phone rings, at the end of the day. And hearing you grouse about the day's events. I miss saying, 'I've something to tell you.' I miss laughing at you, and wonder if you miss laughing, at me.

If I had you here, walking home with me, I know you'd be whining. But the walk will be shorter, as we laugh it away, or engross ourselves in deep discussions. We'd link arms, or I'd put my arms along your shoulder, and tell you how idiotic we are- it doesn't matter how inappropriate it looks. We know the truth, so there's nothing to hide, who cares about the world.

I miss you.

ps: I've been buying gifts for people, but it's been quite difficult deciding what to get you.

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 9

I just had the most amusing encounter at the lift in my office building. Here goes -

I was minding my own business, standing in the lift, when these two ladies behind me started talking about me, in Chinese, very loudly. They were saying that I was very tall, and I looked so refined, but why do I wear such ugly shoes? (I am wearing my Nikes with jeans today, and happened to have my blazer on because I was cold at the office.) I'm not really bothered by their remarks, but highly amused by how loud they were speaking just behind me, as if I couldn't understand.

Is there anyway I don't look Chinese? And I have never spoken to them, so my lousy Chinese doesn't justify it. Besides, I definitely can understand simple things like that.

haha. The funny things that happen in lifts.

This is not the only incident when people around here have told me how refined I am. The local culture must be really different, and relatively 'unrefined'. For in Singapore, no one has ever told me I'm refined, or graceful, or anything remotely close. I consider myself to be rather 'chor2 lor4', and my mum scolds me all the time. Funny.

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 9

I am feeling much better, after one day of moping. Ready to stand up again. Annoyed at the way my will fluctuates though, always. I swear over and over again I'll not practise all-or-nothing and make the same mistake, but time and time again, I just do.

Recently, upon reading a close friend's blog, with many links to other websites, I started asking myself- So, what is my identity?

I don't know. Identity is a complicated thing, isn't it? And it may change over time, getting too caught up with that single identity, implies inflexibility, right? And yet, we all struggle with it. The friend in question talked about carving out her own identity, being different, although I feel she is someone who is grounded in a strong sense of personal identity. Singapore always struggles with it's identity, but I realized, so do so many countries.

I simply can't pinpoint what makes me, me. Although I've to say, what makes me, me now, is very different from what it was a year ago. My experiences then, shaped my identity? Or are those experiences my identity?

I used to see myself as different, a runner, always in control. But apparantly, that wasn't sustainable. It's more apt to say, that is what I'd like to think myself as - always in control, the master of my life, captain of my ship. I crave simplicity, and yet I cannot let go of all the complexities being dangled in front of me. Just like how I veer between enjoying time alone, and craving companionship. If anyone can describe me if one sentence, please tell me. haha.

____________________________

This trip is beginning to show me that I could never leave for the long term. I just need a balance, the courage to say no when I wish to be alone, while I need people around me. I want to be there for the people too. Just this morning, I was listening to an old song I used to love. A simple slow song, which describes what I'd feel if I had to leave.

I Wonder (Departure)
ABBA

This park and these houses, old streets I have walked
Everything dear, will it be here
One day when I am returning?
My friends will get married, have children and homes
It sounds so nice, well-planned and wise
Never expecting surprises

I wonder, it's frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don't leave it
I'm not a coward
Oh no, I'll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it, it can't go wrong

My friends and my family, this dull little town
Buses I've missed, boys that I've kissed
Everything old and familiar

I wonder, it's frightening
Leaving now, is that the right thing?
I wonder, it scares me
But who the the hell am I if I don't leave it
I'm not a coward
Oh no, I'll be strong
One chance in a lifetime
Yes I will take it...
Yes I will take it, it can't go wrong

I'll marry anyone who flies to Beijing now to entertain me

well, almost anyone. I am SO BORED.

In my secret life, things are going bad. =( It's the craziest, loneliest, screwiest life to lead. I'm tempted to call someone to whine, but I've promised never to. Sometimes I wish giving up was possible, in all sense of the word.

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 8

Just yesterday, as I was walking home, I was thinking about stuff- I confess I do feel lonely, bored, and I crave some company. I miss my friends whom I talk to regularly, and yet, I relish the freedom. Over here, I'm just another face billions of people - no one knows me, I have no worries. No one to tell me when to do what, and I live according to my whim, do what I please (within reasonable limits, though I doubt I've very unreasonable desires anyway). I remember, I used to think - if I could get away, abandon everything, and start anew, I would let go of my old habits. And it did feel like that over here - with my new found freedom, I felt in control of everything, the master of my own life, the urge to indulge in old habits gone. I thought of being afraid to leave.

And then, not very long after that, I messed things up. It's been quite some time, so I am no longer able to fully judge what is a bad mess up, and what isn't. But I still feel quite shitty about it.

Sigh. temptation is really the devil. Last night, I forced myself to go to sleep real early, and prayed to stop. But the moment I woke up, the devil was waiting for me, willing me to go ahead. And well, I did. Slip ups are normal, and I suppose I have to learn to accept it rather than beat myself over it. After all, it's only once in some time, right?

Sigh =(

Anyway, I do wish I could have such freedom all the time. But then again - I think there are too many people I love. It's not possible that I'd just run away from all these. When I get back home, I believe I will be glad to be back.

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 6

I walked to work today. I cannot understand how is it that I take 13 min max to run 2.4km, and I can take 40min to 2.5km. It felt like forever, but I guess I'll get used to it.

I had a one hour practice during lunch break. I played so badly and I got fed up, so I played much less than I planned to. Sigh. =( Must not be discouraged. There's still time before Esplanade concert.

Speaking of the Esplanade, it's time to do the shameless plug -

THE NUS PIANO ENSEMBLE WILL BE PERFORMING AT THE ESPLANADE CONCOURSE AT THE END OF THE MONTH!
Venue: Esplanade Concourse
Dates: 28th and 29th July 2008 (Mon, Tues)
Times: 7:15pm-7:45pm; 8:15-8:45pm (both days, slightly varied repertoire during each show, so watch two shows per evening to get the full range!)
Price: Free (public performance)
Theme: Jazz

Friends and everyone else, please do support us. =)

Me and my CCF in Beijng Day 5

Today was one of the days I really enjoyed my freedom - it was a perfect balance of time to myself, and a dose of company. What a GREAT way to spend a Sunday.

For some reason, I always wake up early here, was up by 7+ today despite not setting the alarm and couldn't get to sleep. To think I deliberately did not set the alarm because I was afraid I'd be bored, so I wanted to laze the morning away and sleep.

I thus woke up, whined to CCF awhile, and then had my breakfast and caffeine fix, while surfing, typing a long e-mail to Christina. Finally decided to move my ass and go out at 10am and I headed to the 'Piano world' I spotted nearby and was pleasantly surprised to find the practising rates there even cheaper at 5 yuan / hour. The piano, unfortunately, sucked - this time, I really blame the piano for my inability to play legato, everything just breaks off the moment I so much change the pedal, and half pedal is not possible. I would still go there though, cheap and near - it's good enough to practise things like Mars, where I need to work on fingering and timing (sound can come later!). Debussy really sounds like crap on it.

I then took a long walk in the hot, dry sun to Carrefoure. There were some shops around and I'm really glad I managed to pick up some cool shirts on discount for my brothers. I always enjoy shopping at big hypermarts and supermarkets, so I spent quite a bit of time at Carrefoure - got some bras for myself and my maid, which were really really raelly cheap.

When I walked out of Carrefoure, I was accosted by aggresive salespersons from the nearby facial salon. I decided to ask if they have eyebrow trimming services and they did - so I got my eyebrows trimmed since it's been a really long time since I got it professionally done and I've been meaning to. All for SGD 2! And it was the most enjoyable eyebrow trimming session I ever had - she did it while I was lying down, so I could sleep away the pain. The only discomfort was when she leaned over my front, and her hair was touching my face. I was cringing in horror. But still, happy at how it turned out for a mere two dollars.

So I began my long walk back, meaning to get back to dump my things before meeting Johnny. On the way home, I passed a small salon by the roadside, and decided to enquire the prices of their various services. 188RMB to rebond my hair (that's less than SGD40!) and I decided, 'why not give it a go?' It was excellent. The shop wasn't the most luxurious, but it was good enough, like any of the neighbourhood hair salons we're accustomed to. The most nejoyable part was that it turned out to be a relaxing and culturally enriching time. The hair stylists (all guys, strange for a salon huh) were talking to me a lot, asking me about Singapore.

In fact, I think they were quite fascinated with me for two reasons -

1. My language. I went in and had the hardest time ever describing rebonding, and trying to differentiate between a temporary straightening and a lasting one. The boy cutting my hair (I call him boy because I discovered he was a year younger than me) guessed that I was from Hong Kong of Taiwan - apparantly people from these regions speak with horrible accents, haha. He talked to me loads he washed my hair, asking about Singapore, what I speak, what I do. I told him about our chewing gum ban, cars and horrible english/mandarin. And he told me about the rich-poor divde in China, and how China is developing so fast that the Chinese can't keep up. In his words, 'Beijing is permanatly changing'. It was really interesting. Oh, I was talking about language. Many customers in the stall were quite fascinated with me too. I received a call from Johnny in between, and when I was done, I heard someone ask, 'What dialect was she speaking?' The hairdresser replied 'English' on my behalf and the customer said, 'How come she is more fluent in English than her national language?' hahaha. ANd the hairdresser, after hearing about my years of hardwork with Chinese, cheekily said, 'She grew up on Chinese, but forgot it.' =(

2. My hair. Yes, they were fascinated by my hair. I swear, every hairstylist was staring at the bleached parts of my hair and going, 'Her hair has been bleached before?' And one of the senior hairstylists was asking me whether I did it in Beijing and which salon. And in front of me, they kept talking among themselves, mumbling things like, 'her bleach is so white', 'it's so bright', 'it's REALLY bleached', 'so well bleached', 'amazing', 'must be bleached twice' etc. Ha, apparantly it takes a better chemical to make my hair that white. I must tell Fiona, my hairdresser - her bleach after all (and to my horror), has survived despite me having dyed over it twice. It must be a hairstylist thing - those few patches of blonde in my hair really caused a lot of hoo-ha. Everyone who walked past made comments, excitedly. Funny huh!

Oh, and I showed them my I/C and SG dollars, Not very safe, but well, for fun. Cause we were on the subject of currencies. And I found out the Chinese in Hongkong eat different things during new year. ANd you can't call people 'xiao jie' here (our equivalent of 'miss') because it refers to a prostitute. Oh goodness, I've been receiving quite a lot of stares from calling msot sales assistants 'xiao jie!' It was really fun. I could tell the hairstylist (the boy, rather) enjoyed it too - he asked, very politely, if I would come back to cut my hair despite knowing I'll only be here for awhile. haha, I am tempted to dye my hair again. But judging from the amazement they had at my hair, I might not trust their dyes. Don't mind getting a haircut though, since it's cheap, and my hair is growing out again. I like medium hair now.

I was so happy with the experience I let them rip me off with a bottle of hairspray. I knew it was expensive, but it was already cheap by Singapore standards, and I was lazy to haggle. Besides, they made me happy, so if it made them, so be it.

My Hair!

And I said a good balance of me-time and company because I met up with Johnny, after a long period of doing my own thing. Johnny was my schoolmate in Hwachong who now studies in Peking University. It was wonderful to catch up with him - we ate so much ma2 la4 (numbing hot) steamboat at this famous place with EXCELLENT service. They provide you with fruits, snacks and games while you wait for the table. Chatted for a few hours about how we've moved on from Hwa Chong days, our common friends, and also about Singapore. Johnny is after all, the most patriotic person I know (he's a big NDP fan!), but not a mindless one, which makes it very admirable. He loves his country, but looks at things objectively, with a critcal eye. And he kindly paid for my cab ride to the restaurant, and to my embarrassment, dinner as well. Before I knew it, he had 'gone to the toilet' and paid! (when I meant to settle it). It's ok, we'll meet again and I can treat him. It's great, to see old friends now and then.

Post dinner, I was so full, that I decided to walk back to the hotel. 4km later, here I am, feeling good about my first Sunday in Beijing. =)

Me and my CCF in Beijing Day 4

Managed to practise piano yesterday! =) I practised for 1.5 hours during lunch...and I still haven't been given any work to do at the office, so at 4pm, I went down to practise another 6 hours. All for 30 yuan!

Today, I had no idea what to do by myself and decided to go shopping

I went out with my big Tommy Hilfiger bag and guess what I came back with...

Only 1/4 of it fit into my bag. I was holding everything else, as I walked and took public transport. SO TIRED. Imagine squeezing with all those things on the very crowded subway trains and buses.

Anyway, I headed to Silk Street Market in the morning and bought most of my stuff there, many for friends. I found that I was a lot less into shopping and fashion as compared to the past, couldn't be bothered to look through everything like the way I used to. I just looked for what I wanted in a few stalls, bought all of them and was surprised to find that it was only 2pm by the time I got bored. So I took a train with my loot to Xi Dan...

77th Street Mall has totally expanded! Got distracted along the way before I went to the big market.

Bargaining is so tiring. I think it's such a waste of time that they give ridiculously high prices, and I give ridiculosuly low prices, and then we negotiate a compromise. And everyone claims to give a 'friendship price', and calls me 'mei nu' (pretty woman). If I decide that I don't want to waste my time and refuse to buy, they don't let me go and claim I've wasted their time. Oh, the interesting is, many shopkeepers asked where I was from - the guesses ranged from US, UK, Hong Kong. Oh, not much of a range. My answer is usually 'Malaysia' and occassionally 'Singapore' (if the stall gives a fixed price, since I don't have to bargain.) And when they confirm I'm not from China, they say, 'No wonder, you speak in such refined/soft/gentle/feminine way'. They probably didn't guess that I was speaking softly because most of them were so aggressive in tone, and I didn't really want to scare anyone with my terrible Chinese by being loud. Then again, I felt pretty natural speaking Mandarin all day, discussing prices and making up stories about how I'm a poor student from Malaysia with no money.

Underwear, boxers, socks.

Polo tee and blouse.

Bottoms

Magic set for my brothers! I paid a bit more than I was willing to for this because I was dreaming away, and divided the price by 10 instead of 5! Nevertheless, I think it's a good gift.

BAGS.
Handbag accessories.
Plant! For my colleague who likes keeping plants in the office. Hope it really grows.
Accessory stickers - I know quite a few of my girlfriends like it.
Earrings - Amazing it's so few. The last time I was in Beijing, I think I spent half my money on earrings!

I have to confess, I am getting a bit lonely. Last night, I didn't want to sleep because it was Friday night and I was craving company, someone to talk to, besides random hellos online. In the end, I read and settled into bed. Nevertheless, it's efficient being alone. I suspect I managed to shop so fast today, because it was just me.

Shower, dinner, rest.