Today was a pretty good day. Good lunch with Erwin, meeting my ex-English teacher from NYGH, gymming my heart out with Dad, and then having a good dinner (rare that my mum cooks!).

Seeing, talking to and laughint with Mrs Seah was... well, delightful!

Days like these are rare so I'm trying to be grateful.

Scared

It's all, or nothing. I suspect I've been using 'relapsing is normal' as and excuse to relapse. Even as I type this, I'm still making excuses.

I'm having a sore throat but I'm barely taking care of it. :(

I keep telling myself. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day, a new day. It would be much better to start now, and it shames me that I'm reluctant to. Once again, I find myself losing sight of things.

It's so hard to remind myself that what's past, is PAST. No matter how good it seemed.

It's so tiring, but I can't rest. The struggle is a daily one- 'try again tomorrow? all today than nothing tomorrow? consider today gone? tomorrow again? forget it. don't forget it.' It's like 3 parts of me struggling - the past self, the present self and then the rational self. Give me a break already!

I fear that my irrational fears might soon become very real. And I don't think I'm doing well at all, but I don't know how to stop.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. The Sunday morning routine, then meeting up with an old teacher from Nanyang. I always thought she was wise, and am looking forward to seeing her after so long. A part of me wants to spill out the event's of the past 1.5 years. Maybe because she called us terrible. Maybe because I've always had a lot of respect for her words, in spite of the cynicism. I don't know. But as twin said, just see how it goes.

I swear I'll practice the piano in the evening. I've been... so lazy.

With two people dear gone for the moment, I feel a bit lost. It's like trying to survie on my own, but as evelyn said, it's ultimately my own responsibility, for myself. I think a part of me always wants to be taken care of. I fear having to be the only one looking out for myself.

Results went fine. I've prepared myself for failure, but I found myself still a tad disappointed. It's that voice, critical as ever. How come, I don't know. For I'm not defined by my CAP. I hate being identified by those numbers. They don't add any significant utility to my life. I'm trying to count my blessings over here. People like asking how I seem to manage everything. See, it's not true at all! I can't do the one thing that matters most now.

Modules for next sem: APB (pre-allocated), MR (pre-allocated), HOB (bidding), SS (bidding), ED (retake by default) - need one more!

It's ending

About two and a half days to the end of 2007. A part of me is more than happy to say goodbye to the second half of the year, but the other part... is grateful for it. It made me see so much, and brought a number of people (back) into my life. I feel humbled, and I think I've a (slightly, only slightly) greater capacity to love now.

I am looking forward to 2008. A chance of renewal, to make new resolutions, and say goodbye to past vices. But I do know, that it is an arbitrary start point, just another day in the calender. Starting out again lies in my hands. When I'm ready (but when will I ever be?).

I've been contemplating over my resolutions, for I don't want to make any that I know I'll break. But I find myself not wanting to make certain resolutions because I want to break them. It's so confusing.

I hope the people whom I'm so so grateful towards for walking me through the year know who they are. And that includes you Pepper Lee! =)

Stupid bus driver

Chased me off the bus today. Mean. Anal. Unsympathetic.

Dear friend,

Time and time again, I've doubted the relationship we share, our friendship.

My sincerity towards you.

But events have shown me that deep down, I really do love you.

Really, my friend. No matter what.

I promise to remember that from now on.

Love,
Cheng

_____________________________________________________

'You reap what you sow.' - Today convinced me of that.

=)

Today was pleasant. I just have to survive another 2.5 hours and the whole day would be perfect.

The morning gave me time to be alone and be myself, as I pounded away at the Guild House.

And I met up with two people very dear. I really felt quite myself, at ease, laughing, chatting, acting stupid (as usual)... I'm so glad we all met up. Really, it wasn't that hard.

I'm now trying to decide whether I want to go for a night run. I think I'll just practise piano and go to the Guild House tomorrow.

Meet Becky J square!

My dear 'brother' Ray and I just met for supper and gift exchange... and tadaa! He got me a dog from Toys R Us. I've been wanting a cute fluffy cuddly dog for quite some time. It's called Becky J square- stands for Becky Junior Junior.

I love it!

This is Becky Junior. I gave it to Ray in Year 1.

And this is the ORIGINAL Becky, whom I miss dearly.

Shit, I still behave like a kid (more often than not).

End of year thoughts

I've been wanting to pen this down for quite some time, so why not now.

I don't know what to make of 2007. It couldn't start off better, meeting up with old pals before leaving for New York City, an exciting few months there, new adjustments, Broadway shows, shopping, seeing my US college friends, falling into a new comfortable routine, travelling around the East Coast, and all that jazz.

For once, I thought I was living my own life. But what a dangerous lifestyle it was.

And so when things crashed, I crashed even harder. It was as if everything so comfortable had been taken away. And no I wasn't back to Square 1. It was the negative range.

I was bitter, confused, scared of what was to come. I thought 2007 would bring all things material and superficially attractive, that my 21st would mark the time of my life, so I was angry when things didn't go as planned.

For months I lived in denial, nodding my head at good advice, accepting them rationally, but my actions demonstrated outright rejection. I thought I could turn back time, but clearly I was wrong. I now know that, and I'm ready to stand up, but I cannot deny that a small part of me just doesn't know how to accept it. Like, that's it, that's it.

I don't think I've ever hit such such a low in my life. Letting go of everything and anything. Nothing mattered beyond wishing each day was over, then going to sleep. I barely studied, skipped classes, skipped more classes when I took a month off school. I looked at myself and the state of my living conditions in utter disgust, but lacked the courage to do anything about it. It was as if I was in a permanant drunken stupor for a few months.

I'm still struggling, but I've been in a better place for the past two months. I now know that even if the battle never ends, I'll keep going, because I have to.

In a way, I believe that I will one day look upon 2007 as a blessing in (extremely well concealed) disguise. When I felt like I wanted to disappear, every trivial thing, old grudges, childish resentments, supposedly unforgetable heartaches, or left. Everything supposedly enviable - money, clothes, shoes, grades, brains, pretty earrings - seemed so small. Instead, I saw that deep down, my family was so important to me. And that I am blessed with true friends with such big hearts which I really admire. I love you, really.

And just as if someone knew how lonely the journey was, fate brought along a soulmate who knows what I mean when I say, 'It's so lonely, no matter how many people there are.' And we'll walk through the 2008 journey together.

I now know that I'm not a superwoman(girl), and it's not worth it. So for the coming year, I'll focus on only two things - piano (since I made the decision to continue when I was sinking), and trying to run a marathon.

Let's hope it'll be a better year. I really can't imagine worst.

Resolutions coming up, once I discuss them with my soulmate tomorrow. :)

I've been laughing a lot more lately. Ha. Ha. Ha. Sometimes I wish I could just laugh non-stop. The noise drowns out everything else inside. It's called dissociation.

Terrible Twins!

Pepper Lee I miss you, please call soon, I've so much to tell you. =)

I can't sleep and when I can't sleep I do dumb things.

Like this.

And that.

Edit: I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep! I must never take caffeine at night again. And I'm so annoyed, worried, frustrated, disappointed. I doubt I'll fall sleep soon and I'm supposed to gym later. :(

Christmas- The Season of Giving

Suddenly, I dread Christmas a little less. I've bought my pretty presents for everyone, as well as one for a dear friend who's turning 21. I've spent a whole lot, but well, I enjoyed the time alone, and picking out stuff for people I love. I'm still scared, but well, I do feel a bit better.

I find myself being affected by things that shouldn't really matter, and it's disturbing.

Oh well, shall look forward to gym, passing out presents, and meeting two dear people over the next couple of days. Oh, and piano... I've not been practising!

Frustrated

It's screaming at me so loudly that I just want to go to sleep and forget what I just did.

Edit: Should have slept.

I've always loved the Christmas season - giving stuff to those I hold dear, writing cards. And receiving cards is nice. But I'm so scared- what am I going to do on Christmas. How do I deal with the memory of better/worse (???) times. In a way, it feels almost like like I've been jilted by an imaginery lover, and had my heart broken. Trying to break free, stand up and find myself, is akin to a realization that you've been unceremonioulsy dumped, trying to hang on to what shouldn't belong to you. You know that you can never have it back, so you've to keep trudging forward and move on. But it hurts. It hurts.

I try not to be so openly angsty, but tonight I don't give a shit.

I just feel sad, down, empty, bad, horrible, ashamed, guilty. I don't even know why the F I'm doing all these to myself, investing so much energy into a broken relationship (no, I didn't mean that literally), wasting all my time, money and energy. One and a half years and I don't know how many more. I know I'm going forward but I can't get over the numbing ache inside. And it taunts me and tells me I deserve this. I'm so so so tired, really. I'd be grateful even for a short short break of a day. Just one day before I go on.

I'm just going to sleep and get lost in (hopefully) happy dreams for awhile.

The past 2 post-Vietnam days have been well spent in good company. After a trip to Kinokuniya, I've added yet another two titles to the 'To Read' lists. I should really sit down and start reading, instead of reading everything halfway and impatiently moving on to the next one.

The year is drawing to a close. Time to reflect and think about what I really want for the future.

'Do you wish you lived this year differently?'
'Yes.'
'Do you think you could have lived this year differently?'
'I don't know.'

Home Sweet Home

I'm back from Vietnam and really glad to be so, for I had very mixed feelings throughout the trip.

Ho Chi Minh was certainly very a very different experience - it probably would have been really interesting to some, looking at plantations, cruising by the Mekong river and all, but unfortunately, not quite my cup of tea. Or I probably missed the most interesting bits because I was down with food poisoning and slept an entire day in the hotel. All the tunnels the soldiers during the Vietnam War hid in, and the museums... I probably would have liked to see that.

I thought Vietnam would be all about Vietnamese spring rolls. No! We had loads of (the same) vegetables, squid, prawns, shellfish, fish and steamboat. Which subsequently came out of my mouth. I never dared to eat anything after that and til now, I get this nauseaus feeling in my stomach, accompanied by a fever, after eating.

The not so good bits aside. I am glad for the trip, as we went as a family. Not that we haven't been on family trips before, but for once, we're all grown up, and (probably) more matured and patient with each others. We use to get into sulks over what we should see, and my (then young) brothers' main preoccupation were looking for computer game shops and (imitation) soccer boots. Things were different this time, all nice and pleasant, and we talked, laugh and whined together. It's nice to see how they've grown up-

And popular too! There were a few Vietnamese students posing for shots at the requests of tourists... and they actually went up to my brothers to ask them for a photo/email. The older of my younger brothers turned 19 on the trip. And the lucky boy had a huge cake from the tour guide, and an entire boat of people celebrating with him on the Mekong River. (I suspect it's at least 600 people and the boat was severely overloaded.) Nice.

But still, I'm so glad to be back. In the few short days, I've missed quite a few things and people. I really do have so many things that must be done, and would like to get done. And all the confusion to sort out.

I want to go home

Hello, I'm in Ho Chi Minh now and my vacation has been ruined by food poisoning. I'm so not going to eat any of the food provided on the tour, anymore. Just thinking of them makes me want to throw up.

Back, and off again

I'm back from NUSPE camp and am SO tired. I shall not comment too much on the camp except that I'm glad I was there, and it has been quite an insightful couple of days. There're always new things to discover.

And I'm going to Vietnam tomorrow. No exclammation mark because I'm currently too tired to even be that excited. I'll just try to enjoy myself.

Today, I made a confession- I've never dared to be honest (what irony) about it to anyone whom I know would be so surprised. The skeleton is now out of the closet. I feel both relief,

and horror. It's all so confusing. If only I could rest for awhile.

I am abit anxious about Vietnam for various reasons, but I'll try to face those fears. When I'm back, it'd be almost Christmas. Hopefully I'd be able to sort a few things out.

For one, stop procrastinating and learn Mars (my next lame performance peace which I don't even dare to play too much at home for fear that the neighbours would think I can't read notes).

Figure out what to do for Christmas (for once, I dread it), write a few special cards. Buy one good present. Go for the Sushi Tei walk. (purpleness!)

Then think about what I want for the New Year, how ready I am to handle stuff, and how I wish to handle them. I don't kow how, but 2009 better be better.

A delightfully purple day

I thought it might end up a screwy day, but no. :) I do feel very blessed today, really. I'm trying my best to remind myself to be thankful.

I was pretty much losing my will this morning, half prepared to ruin the day with my own hands. But yay.

Talking to EB this morning was somewhat discouraging, but insightful. I feel like I've really come quite far, but I need to spend some time rethinking what I want for myself, and whether I'm ready to break out of my comfort zone, and stop fooling myself. I really do want to break free, so why do I keep wavering? But I ended the conversation feeling somewhat stronger- I'll try standing up for a week first. After all, how much can happen in a week?

I was somewhat disappointed in my poor showing during piano lesson today. Or rather, I didn't play up to my own expectations. But it was rather insightful. I've always known I'm a sloppy player - which stems from my impatience. I'm often careless with key signatures, time signatures, notes, fingering etc, and I expect myself to get by and eventually be able to play something fluidly. And I hate stopping when I play something wrongly, so I end up repeating my mistakes. I shall attempt to slow down, and learn to be patient.

Otherwise, I'm so glad I started lessons again, after so long. Today, I discovered that in spite of playing and learning on my own, I've indeed forgotten quite a lot of things, and have so much to learn. (Feels so sad that I'm so old already.) And this time, it's my choice to learn, and put in the effort, because I really want to.

I've been rather anxious about something since last night, and while gymming, I received a piece of good news. It was almost unbelievable! CHRISTINE I LOVE YOU. =) I'm really quite happy about it, and I wish I could share the joy with everyone I love. And I celebrated with a 28min cycle on the stationery bike.

Followed by treating myself to a bottle of coke light. I am officially an EX-coke light addict. While I used to down litres after litres, I felt so bloated after 400ml today. SO BLOATED. =)

Today was a reminder that I am indeed, a very fortunate girl. I really felt like I was being watched over, and saved from myself.

And so I said a word of thanks.

If you are feeling particularly generous and love me...

...consider buying me a cross trainer for Christmas!

I drove for the first time in months today, and I brought some of my favourite CDS to listen to as I drive. And they were still nice.

It's nice to find myself beginning to enjoy music again. I've really lost sight of so many things. All the beauty in things to be appreciated and cherished, but I don't know why I swell on that which is nothing, or at best, transient.

That aside, it was a good day, gymming, piano and laughing. Followed by an exceedingly satisfying dinner at my favourite restaurant (I suspect the staff recognize me)

Peace

What a lovely day. Nothing spectecular, but I was in (almost) complete peace. Perhaps it was the morning event. It's been a long time since I've gone by without any intrusions into my big head.

And I had a really satisfying lunch at my all-time favourite restaurant, as usual. Followed by bridge with Raymond, whom I haven't had time to hang out with lately, and no more until I'm back from Vietnam!

It's funny how I find myself a lot less lethargic throughout the day ever since I got off caffeine. I must remember never to consume such crazy amounts ever again. The endless sleeping has passed, though I still dislike waking up. This morning, to my horror, I whined when I got up and my maid said I was whining through the night in my sleep.

I felt so calm and happy in my own skin after a run/walk in the cool weather this evening. Exercise = endorphins!

This is a post made of randomness. But really, it's so rare I feel this way. Not a perfect day, but... as close as it could be in the longest time.

It thus deserves to be recorded.

Enough

Okay, I've moped enough and am ready to try again. It's oh-so-hard but look, I don't think I've anymore to lose.

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy course; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."


THEODORE ROOSEVELT (Paris Sorbonne,1910)

And no, I shall not expect miracles.

Time for a run in the sun!

I really wish

that I posess something precious, so high and mighty in my heart, important above all other pursuits, more comforting than all that I mindlessly chase after. A treasure I couldn't imagine life without, that I'd dedicate my time and energy to, and will always be mine. It'd be so meaningful, so reassuring- that I fear no more, never need to hide. As long as it's there, every damned thing is worth fighting for.

And no, I do not mean love, but something more. For the greatest love of all eludes me. It's always so far away. Whether it's within reach isn't important, for I don't think I'd let myself touch it. Feeling it was an illusion, made of worthless stuff like pride, vanity and a shallow heart.

I am really so tired of hiding beneath ... ... ... every damned thing that would shield my face. If I could I'd just run away-

from me.

_______________________________________________________

Today marked my first visit to the SMU campus and I'm officially jealous and indignant. It's so modern and pretty.

Anyway, I think Chris and I did what we can for Futurebrand, so I refuse to overly dwell on it. I don't want any expectations. Except- did I mention that I really hate my voice? It's been brought to my attention by random people now and then - but lately, I discovered that my voice, is indeed very high pitched. Especially when I'm talking very fast, I sound disgustingly excitable and shrill. Thank goodness there wasn't a mike.

I guess, it'd be nice to get something after all the effort put in towards FutureBrand. But really, we set out to get into the Top 5, and we've done it. But it's not all that matters-

The thing is, as long time friends, the two of us finally did something together. Our first 'project' after having been classmates through Nanyang. Chris, whatever it is, Football Connection is OUR baby!

But the same thing over and over again. Practising in front of the mirror, staring, looking away, staring - that's not good enough. You can say it so well, so confidently, flawlessly, but so what when THAT sucks. It'd never be complete.

______________________________________________

I then had a long walk with my friend Kevin, and made a fool out of myself in the middle of Clementi with my uncontrollable laughter.

'But really, I do not expect anyone to understand. I'm grateful enough if I'm not judged. For the support.'

I could really use a few more hours of walking. Better still, days and days and days til no end. (If it's even possible!)

______________________________________________

Finally, I ruined a relatively good day by being stupid. Like I've done so many times, again and again, and again. Believing it'd be the last. Who am I kidding?

PS: On a brighter note before I finally rest my wreary feet and cuddle under my smelly blanket, it really does feel good to be caffeine free. I feel so much more alert in the day. And less like a drug addict.

Caffeine free day 7

I've been off caffeine for one week!

The first 3-4 days were terrible. I was grouchy, whiny and perpetually nodding off. But amazingly, the symptoms have mostly disappeared. AND...

now that I'm off my litres of caffeine, I seem to have so much less trouble waking up and getting through the day with short little power naps!

A bad day turned good

=) Despite the screwy afternoon, it turned out to be a good day after all.

This evening, I made a confession and felt liberation I haven't felt in a long time.

And had a nice dinner.

Anyway, Chris and I will be down at Keypoint for the FutureBrand finals tomorrow! Wish us luck! Babe, I'm so glad we did this together, really!

For once I go to bed with my mind at ease.

It's a happy and satisfying day.

Well, mostly.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night wanting something to cuddle. So I groped around the bed for my rabbit (in the dark) and couldn't find anything. And wondered why on earth my bed felt so wonderfully neat and clutter free (my bed is currently in a mess with clothes and other random stuff.) I figured my little bunny must have dropped onto the floor so I started reaching to the floor from my lying position. And I realized, the fridge wasn't next to my bed anymore!

A bout of confusion (as to whether I was dreaming or awake) later, I remembered I wasn't on my own bed.

This morning, I woke up. And wondered where I was. I thought I was in a hospital (like one of those dramas where someone faints, wakes up in the hospital and says, 'Where am I?') Being too zonked out, I decided to go back to sleep first and figure it out later.

Then my friend woke me up and I remembered I wasn't on my own bed.

[The above is for the courtesy of my friend who enquired on how well I slept last night.]

I had my first piano lesson since I was 16 today. I feel like I have so much to learn. I gave it up once and sorely regretted it. My second chance came along with the piano ensemble. I hope I don't find that I've to give it up again.

Otherwise, the day was spent with my purple friend. I can only describe it as delightfully... purple (because that's our favourite colours!). Much to our utter embarrassment, we ate at Vivocity's Sushi Tei for both lunch and dinner. Both times, I got my salad fix with extra dressing and it was really EXTRA. That aside, we spent the day stoning around the place where we met, followed by a walk around vivocity/harbourfront to indulge in our secret quirks that no normal person will ever comprehend.

But it's okay, because we do. And it makes us laugh and be merry.

[Purple friend- someday we'll be 'good people', then laugh at our current state just as we now laugh at our previous state! Oh wait, I think we are already laughing.]

LYNN DID IT! =)

42km girl!

Now I wish I was there.

But you did it! =) =) =) If I were there with you I'd surely hug you no matter how stinky you are.

On a separate note, I've abstained from caffine and that-which-I-have-no-more-excuses-for for 3 days, 4th day going. I almost went nuts on thursday/friday from all the headaches and periodic naps.

Let go of the challenge.

I can't run the Standard Chartered tomorrow and I'm really disappointed in myself for giving it up.

Dear Lynn, I'm sorry, but I'm really so proud of you for going! I'll be hoping for you all the way and I'll be so proud of you when you do it! Good luck!

I really lost that drive, but I'll find it back before next year's marathon. First, I'll run the army half marathon for the third time, then this time, really try for the full marathon in Dec.