Parental Waring: Violent content

You-

You sly, puny, scrawny little thing. You're such an ass that I wish I could kick your balls.

Actually, no- I'd kick your pride, right where it hurts most.

Don't come crying to me, for I have ran out of comforting words, or emphathy.

You creep me out. And I'm half mocking my own naivety to believe you possessed something.

Sorry, I'm just so disgusted. Maybe it's a culmulation of events, but I am.

________________________________

I finished my case report at 11am this morning, and went to class one hour late because I was just so tired. I'm still so tired, but I think I'm heading to the gym to stretch a bit. My limbs feel so stiff they're dying to move, my head is so heavy it's telling me to sleep all day. Which!

Last minute work sucks

I told myself I can take a break and vent my frustrations with my case report (due in approximately 10 hours) when I am halfway through. So well, I am halfway through and all I want to do is go to sleep.

This is really my fault. I'm paying for my slothhood and wayward, flighty ways.

I am writing a business case report, and to be frank, I quite enjoy business writing. I like the challenge of putting across facts and analysis in the most rational, succinct and coherent way possible. The satisfaction of looking through stuff, and seeing that you have neatly placed your material in a neatly organized fashion, and fairly fluid, in spite of everything being broken up into neat sessions. And the lack of emotion in business writing - so stoical, but your personal voice comes out in your analysis of the facts.

Okay I think I am nuts. I shall take a fifteen minute break and snooze.

I need to destress before I go nuts

I cannot stand my remarkable lack of productivity despite a day's worth of work. Help me figure out how to finish a 15 page case study analysis, go to church at 9am tomorrow, practice piano and then go for piano lessons without dying. =( =( =( Stress is about to make throw out some ridiculous ramblings over here-

Purple rabbit and mouse!
Crazy rabbit. (nic, you covered your diseased face here! haha)
From last week- Lerk Thai's tom yum noodles!
Kim you really do look like Nicole here.

And the fan in my room is spoilt, so I've been seeking refuge at BinBin's. Tonight, I'm taking sheltar at Skinnybear's. Their rooms are so clean and neat that I feel like I can't touch a thing! Or leave the slightest trace of having ever stepped in.

Back to work.

He tells me he thinks I'll be the best ever, and I tell him not to conclude too soon, that this is the start, and we don't know what lies ahead, when burdens come falling in. And he replied, that he will make me the best because he won't let us be a let down.

Wow. Encouraging=).

Best or not, it doesn't matter. For best is relative- say one was the best there ever was, smugly satisfied with all that he has achieved. But who is he, if he takes a step back, and realizes that he is left standing there in full glory, but all alone.

One has got to realize that there's no point shouldering the burden of others, especially when you can't do anything but say, 'It's just like that. I don't understand, but it is like that.' That's something I'm trying to grasp with, and learn to accept before my hair starts turning grey.

For today, I shall practice separatism- I'll catch up on work, rather than bother about anyone.

On a separate note, I'm currently in the chat point in library. I feel like a mouse in my mousey hole!

I realized I've been blogging on a daily basis. I guess, when you get the hang of it, writing can have a therapeutic effect. Cryptic as words may be- for the immediate days after writing it, reading them stills my heart.

I am so thankful everything is over. Hopefully, it's a brand new slate, clean as it could possibly be. Past prejudices, shall remain past prejudices. I'll clean up my lenses, and start afresh.

I don't know how to describe what I feel- bemused? amused? upset? disgusted? Such childish unawareness beyond one's small heart. As I listened, and read, and gave things thought as I lay on the bed- I think I saw that it is a matter of taking oneself too seriously.

I thought I should be feeling indignant for someone else, but I realized there's probably no need to - with time, one's worth can be proven. =)

Enough already.

Please let it be over and done with-

I feel like I have been forced to partake into a game which I do not wish to play. The pressure is something I did not expect.

Kebs and I ran up to Kent Ridge Park today in the cool air of the night. The last time I ran there, it was surprisingly easy, despite having ran a whole round the National University of Slopes before then. Today, I was disappointed to find that it took all my will to get myself to the top of the hill.

But as always, the sight is to behold takes away the pain of the uphill sky. Today, I saw the lights at the port, and thought of New York City, that stretch on Chelsea Harbour down at 12th Avenue. I loved it, dreamt of running there with my friends, but only ran there alone once. Kent Ridge Park, in spite of all the irony of the pollution from the port, is a beautiful place. I remember the pretty flowers on the slopes. I must see it again at the end of this year.

Of late, I've seen so many things- that makes me determined never to make the same mistakes.

But one can be blinded to their own flaws- whining partner and mouse, both of you are appointed my watchdogs!

_________________________________________________

My room is so stuffy. Why do I always get cursed with fans that are barely working. (I swear kebin's fan is stronger) I'm so tempted to go out for Run 2, then shower again. But that's just an excuse to avoid work. UGH HOT, gross, sticky, smelly.

That leech's grip on my life is much less stronger lately, I feel.

It's times like these, when I am stuck with essays which I know not how to begin, that I'm so tempted to-

Ignore work.
Hide in the gym.
Use the cross trainer.
Do weights.
Go for a long run.
Show.
Collapse into bed.
Enjoy the satisfying ache in my limbs.
Sleep.

Stupid essays. =(

I'll finish it before I sleep tonight. That's a promise to myself.

New World Symphony

It convinces me that timeless beauty really does exist.

Label me petty, but that thing is really as sly as I imagined.

Today, during appointment appointment, I said something so plainly true to me-

That I am so motivated, no matter what happens. Even if my greatest fear materializes, I have other sufficient things in my life. =)

I still don't act it sometimes, but I firmly believe it. I really do.

That music

...which I've listened to many times in the last two years.

That tune- I don't supposed it the person-in-question still thinks of it very often, being less disposed to nolstagia than I am. But it always did, still does fill my heart with warmth.

It makes me want to close my eyes, just to concentrate on every sound. Perfectly imperfect. And think of two seemingly young people, laughing together, sharing the one thing they loved. You, and I.

You are lucky you aren't my lover- I can be really posessive when it comes to certain things. (Bet you never guessed it!) Yes, I was upset that I had to leave you with someone else- and left with reluctance.

The joy! When I returned, and you took me back. Not quite the same though- you and I, we both aged with time. But it was good enough, sharing the one thing we loved.

Alas, good times do not last forever. I just have to live with it, and move on.

But those tunes- they're still beautiful. That cannot change.

Colour me cynical

Not.



He told me to watch my back, but I refuse to see it that way. So much doubt have been cast my way of late, but I'd still choose to believe- Unpredictable, perhaps. But you'd be honest with me, won't you? I'll keep close to heart your words, if anyone, it has to be me to trust.



The pain, otherwise, will be too much.



Anymore and my faith will falter, and soon I'll lose my trust in everyone. A friend once gave me a piece of advice- to trust, until proven wrong. So far, it has not failed me. Not in any disastrous way at least.



I had a good piano lesson today. =)



I need to learn better time management skills. Considering I had the whole day + whole night to get everything done, but I ended up staying up for the most of last night to get the powerpoint presentation done, all the way til 10am this morning. And I still had to rush the last bit and settle for some slipshod work. Yuck. I better be more disciplined (and less sleepy) if I intend to have a pleasant time with final year in the university, honours thesis, piano and other commitments.



Please pardon me, but -

Goals / Things to do for the week:

Business Case Study Report (ugh)
Political Science Essay (ugh)
Explore thesis ideas (ok...)
Buy rabbit dinner (yay)
Prepare a special gift (Yay & sigh)
Watch 2 webcasts, prob three since I doubt I will be going for APB this week (half-a-ugh)
Get Debussy score (yay)
Practise piano enough to make my lessons worth it (Half a yay)
Bank in Cheque (blah)
Think about Biz History essay topic (Ugh)
Think about Asianism essay topic (ugh, ugh, ugh!)
[I'm sure the list doesn't end here, and will expand as the week's events and project meetings unfold.]



I love you MOUSE. Just felt like saying that, heehee.

Dear rabbit

I'm in the midst of doing up a powerpoint for my groupmates, but the 23rd of March is drawing near. I thus take a break, to say this-

I know a boy,
Who reminds me of a rabbit-
Always bouncing about in his bermudas,
Finger on his lips, eyebrows raised.

I know a boy,
Who reminds me of the colour red-
The mini cooper which is small,
And the day he didn't want to go home,
Because he was waering the brainy shirt he liked.

I know a boy,
Who reminds me to laugh-
With his silly gripes about everything
And anything under the sun
Oh, and he has a quirk-
Being able to laugh at the most mundane of things

I know a boy,
Whom I will remember-
For his silliness-
Like waving to posters on the wall.
Or, playing with curtains by the bed.
For his words of wisdom,
And encouragement, and immense patience.

I know a boy,
Who was born 23 years ago,
On this very day-
I wish him ample rest,
And peaceful slumber.
May he not be burdened
By the days of life (still young!)
Happy Birthday, my ('boy')friend.

=) Yay sushi tei next week!

PIG

I really hate it that I sleep so much. But I really can't help it when my head gets heavy, and it starts nodding... and I just need to collapse and sleep. Last night, I slept for 8 hours, woke up, did minimal studying for 2 hours, then slept for the next 3 hours. And woke up to run off the heavy feeling in my head. I don't understand why I'm always so sleepy. It's a waste of time. And now I feel so bad because I haven't done up my powerpoint, mum's coming to pick me home soon so that I can practise piano... and yea. *whines with my whiny scrunched up face*

Work. Yuck.

Guess what I said in my sleep last night? 'International Justice!' I swear it must be because the PS textbook was under my pillow...

It's good to fall once in awhile. It's a reminder that one failure doesn't mean I am back at Square 1.

My mouse and I spoke of 'growing out of it'. And I think it applies to me too, that I'd eventually just outgrow all these dangerous child's play. For I'm increasingly aware how pointless it is. Really, 1.5 years of insanity and I have gotten nowhere, except maybe closer to hell. It'll be one big fat lie to say that I'm completely ready, but I dare say, I've already let go of the past a bit more.

She says it'd be great if we could just leave, escape to somewhere new - and we'll let go of everything. It's true, but I can do no such thing. For I have held out so long for these people I hold dear, and it's only right I be here for them.

That's said, I certainly wouldn't mind working overseas. It's just that, I cannot imagine myself leaving for good. This is where I belong - not just Singapore, but where you, you and you are.

I've more or less resolved the burdens of the past week. My mind is at peace again. It's time to start things on a clean slate.

I guess I feel better about the day's events now, after talking it out with my whining partner.
(Except I've struck an agreement not to whine from now until next Friday.)

More than ever, I think it's just best to accept that this is just a glimpse of the real world. We all operate differently, some warm, some cold, some people you just strike an amazing chemistry with, some people whom you know can never be more than an acquaintance (through no fault of either party).

I was really upset by the turn of events. To me, at least, it was all so ugly. And cynicism threatened to overtake and leave me questioning everything, everyone. But I'll get over it -

For I've decided, I can't change anyting. And perhaps I don't have that right. In times like this, I can only live by my own principles, and be true to myself.

We all like to think we're right, and I can't help but think I'm right when I say this -

Pride and vanity, untempered, can be so destructive.

I dread to think of the day it'll explode. My heart hurts for you. Don't you see? I wish you would see, and hear. Step out of the shell, and look-

It's a pity that things have come to such an end. But I still hold you dear.

This I will remember.

I no longer know what to say, think, feel or do. Who is right, who is wrong. I hate it when cynicism makes me want to question every single thing.

Above all, I'm just sad about the way things turned out. And I don't know why. It's just so... sad.

I think I've come to my own conclusion - This is the real world.

It's scary how words, after words, after words can leave one so drained.

I'm so tired of thinking about people, wondering who to believe, what to do, what is right, what is wrong. Or questioning why it has to be so complicated. Or wishing that others can see what I see- the childish pointlessness of it all. That I can make everyone happy.

I have to resist the temptation to take the burden of others' upon my own shoulders.

But the way things are, I cannot help but feel so sad.

I still say, with great power comes great responsbility - and a greater need for humility.

On the other hand, it was a good wake up call. People need me, so I've gotta stand up.

I've fallen prey to evil, nasty temptations.

I'm more upset than I'm able to feel.

I feel like bitching

One long, whiny run with Boon later, I feel much better. Things are still all messed up in my head, but I guess I got to learn to deal with the way things are. And learn to accept the fact that as an adult (pffttt!), I'll have to be responsible for myself. And should I choose to let go of everything and screw up, it's no one's fault, but my foolishness.

It's never easy to make the right choice.

I really, really, really feel like being bitchy - you are such a pathetic hypocrite. Unfortunately, I love you enough not to say that straight into your face. For your own good, I hope you know that deep down. Because people can see, you know.

No matter how great your achievements, how much power you accumulate... without humility, it's meaningless.

I'm beginning to feel bad, about being too quick to judge of late. I now choose to believe that glimpse of sincerity I perceive. She and I, we hold such different worldviews. I cannot see things the same way, but I don't suppose that gives me the right to condemn everything. What's past is past, I shall consciously let go of that grudge.

I really don't know what in the world I have done to deserve such patience, kindness and love.

Cedele Walnut Carrot Cake...

... IS SO DELICIOUS. Except for the cheese/cream/whatever it is that KimKim and RyanRyan love... it's really tastes weird, like it can't decide whether it's cheese or cream, so it smells like cream with a cheesy stale. Okay, whatever that means.

On many fronts, i feel good about myself on a few things. Had a lovely breakfast (my mouse read my mind and ate the exact same thing!), great lunch with mouse, and then tea with RyanRyan and MouseMouse.

It feels... weird but mostly, satisfying.

On that other front, I can only say MEH. I'm really hurt, disappointed and upset. The cynicism is getting to me, and I'm beginning to question the situation, and myself. And I feel really guilty for even thinking that way. because rationally... I don't think so? Perhaps it's just that voice in me that makes me want to take it out on myself. Like a reminder that it's my fault, because I can be so horrible, and therefore, things are like that and one of us is left staring at the ceiling.

It's so strange how I manage to compartmentalize the situation so neatly into two parts. And view it from two completely different lenses at different moments. It helps, but it hurts. Though i think it's the best of all possible alternatives I can think of, the way things are.

Sigh.

It's over

... for good. (In fact, it has been so for so long.)

Seeing the exact same question each time I speak to G, and giving the exact same answer - it's plain to me how much things have changed, how little you care.

But you know what. I get irritated each time, just for a few seocnds - and then

I really don't give a shit. =) =) =)

(To think I once feared so much that I'd stop caring.)

Fears

Last night, my nightmare was so real. (If only, it was really, always a nightmare.)

Given the faith certain individuals whom I hold in high esteem have of me, I've a new fear - the fear of being a disappointment. Not being able to exude that character which others see in me.

I really do hope it turns out well. While there're many other things in my life to deal with, this is one additional burden I feel is worth taking. I feel more ready than ever, and I guess, aptly so, for it's might very well be the last chance before I step into a whole new world.

I used to feel bitter when I failed - Why me, why wasn't it me? What is it that others possess, that I don't? On retrospect, the reason was simple - I simply wasn't ready. My passions superficial, always guided by competition and ambitions. I had no idea who I was, and what I wanted. Blind to my flaws, and what I can do.

The ironies of life - It's when there were so many moments that I felt like I no longer recognized myself, that I slowly began to know myself. My strengths, my weaknesses, my values, and the things I hold dear. Now I feel more ready to take on more, and hopefully, do some good.

That was a brief conversation over the phone, but it left me feeling inexplicably jaded-
For so long, I've tried to see the best in you. Simply because of what you meant to me, the laughter shared. In spite of harsh words I've heard from others, and things I've seen, I've tried to be objective, to forgive, and to emphatize. But of late, I've been so tempted to wonder if I've been making up lies in my head, just to believe you're that girl/woman I hold dear. It's becomming so easy to forget that gentle nature, and assume a heart of stone behind that curt voice.

For someone blessed with good looks, talent, and a lovely smile (which I haven't seen for so long) - that's such a pity. It could be so much more- what you could do for others.

It's best I'd be stoical, then dwell on it and feel disappointed.

Tim Ku called me today, and it was hilarious -

Ku: Hello Miss Lee.
Me: [mentally] erm, that sounds like Jiayuan, maybe I saw wrongly.
[aloud] wait wait hold on
*checks phone*
[mentally] It's Tim Ku, but only Jiayuan calls me Miss Lee and that sounded EXACTLY like
him. Something's wrong.
Ku: Miss Lee are u there?
Me: [mentally] goodness, that can't be Mr Ku. It's Jiayuan, wth is going on here. I'm confused.
[aloud] Hi, who is this?
Ku: Erm... this is Timothy Ku.

Right. My piano teacher must have been wondering why I don't keep his number in his phone. But I still insist, it really sounded like you Jiayuan! haha. I really act like such a blockhead sometimes, despite (mis)assumptions about me being cleBer.

I can't decide whether to head to bed, watch Webcast, or sit here and type out more of all these random musings in my head.

My Room...

... is still clean and neat. Except the bed has no bed sheets because the dryer failed to do a good job.

I was so sleepy this morning, but I rushed home and tried to keep my eyes open while practising Beethoven. Frantic about not being able to produce anything passable despite having two weeks to practise. And so, I had the coolest piano lesson ever. It started with a simple question, and then it went on to -

'Okay. Look. This lesson is not going to happen. Let me refund you first.'

haha. But it was a good lesson in other ways. I now see things from a slightly different perspective. My respect for this man has increased, and I feel more hopeful about the challenges to come.

Yet another weekend gone by without much work done. A good one nevertheless, better than it has been in a long time. In fact, the whole of last week was better than ever! (*pats self*)

It's now Week 9 of school, sigh.

This room can't possible be mine...

Too NEAT, too CLEAN!

I finally got sick of my disgusting PGP hole and spent three hours clearing it up. The bed is now at the desk, how convenient.



Bought roses for BinBin and MarkMark on Friday. I love the purple ones.

Running was fun today! Zen, Boon, Adibah and I - Health and Fitness club comm getting fit for once! Adibah is so adorable, so so so. =) I really enjoyed running, long time since it's been so fun... and I had that feeling I missed, of my legs just taking me as far as I wished, as fast as I wanted.

I'm still in awe of my room. So proud of it. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

Forgot to mention that I metmet RyanRyan at Open HouseHouse today. The mango gelato he gave me was the most awesome ice-cream I had in ages.

In tempo

I just attended Wind Symphony's 4oth concert - In Tempo with Ban Ban.

I must say, it was fabulous. It was a fine repertoire, consisting of:
Cresent and Stars -G. Salanio
English Folk Song Suite ; No. 1 March 'Seventeen Come Sunday' - R. Vaughan Williams
Finlandia Op 26 No. 7 - Jean Sibelius
Cartoon - Paul Hart
Symphony No. 3 Planet Earth - Johan de Meij

Aside from the first piece which felt a bit cheesy to me, I thought it was a great selection of music. Finlandia was spooky but really interesting... and Cartoon! hahaha, it's the kind of piece that really makes you want to laugh out loud at its crazy mad rushing notes and cool percussion effects.

And Planet Earth - I have really been looking forward to listening to it (I've to admit, partly because I played one of the movements from Holst' Planet Suite and Earth was Meij's addition to it) and it didn't disappoint. The muscians played continuously for 50 minutes, and I was suitably awed. I don't ever see myself playing for anything more than 15 minutes. Just the type of modern music which I enjoy - rousing grandeur interspesed with lyrical soothing moments - i.e. like movie soundtracks.

Great evening!

Last night, I watched PS: I Love You. It was quite a feel-good show, but not your typical girl meets boy thing. Touching, and the Irish scenery made me want to see. The New York setting left me a bit wistful, and well, sad.

This foolish girl

After a near slip, she realized that it didn't take deep thinking to see that she was largely responsible for the situation she's in. She is an adult, after all, and accountable to herself. Only she, has the full obligation to take care of her own body.

At the end of it, it was the lack of will to exercise her right to say 'no'. And the flighty nature that predisposes her to welcome any form of distraction from the task at hand. What conveninient excuses. A soft spot, and a weak heart, that leaves her always nodding her head, at the expense of own rest, time, heart. Wistful hope for change - until she sees goodbye. It'll lead to nowhere, but she's unwilling to let go of her distractions.

Her desires are worldly, superficial and worst still, hypocritical. She expects things of herself which she would never expect of others. The things she blindly chases after, have little value, nor beauty. It's all so ugly- and to what end, she wonders. And, where does one draw the line between seeking one's best potential, and being too harsh on one's own self.

Still, she misses that sense of absolute control, but can never grasp it again.

Done

Well, done for now. I wrote my business history essay faster than any other research paper I have done in my life - excluding painstaking research/head scatching time, I think I took about a day. Without any mishaps.

I now deserve a mini break by deluding myself with a sense of finality, and forget about that I am exactly halfway done with the term's essays - 3 more (longer) ones coming up! And 5 case studies, 1 case study competition (due tomorrow), 2 webcasts to catch up on, 1 project, 2 presentations (!!!!!).

And I've barely read any of my huge stacks of readings this semester. I don't want to imagine what it'd be like going through them before the exam.

Keb(v)in says I should post up my essay on my blog, haha. When I actually got down to really putting heart into writing, I found my work surprisingly interesting - thinking about Corporate Social Responsibility and Internet businesses - goodness, I've really evolved from my JC days of enjoying Shakespeare into a Business geek who likes reading Business Week.

Tonight, I'm going to take a not-that-well-deserved break and go out for a movie. With Elayne (haven't seen her for so long!) and Jiayuan, can't wait! *beams*

I AM SO STRESSED WITH WORK

Someone please just kill me right now. NOW. *shoots head*

Just one more year

I had a long talk with Eb yesterday, and left with my heart burdened. There's so much I need to work out, seriously.

One more year before I graduate, and face the corporate world, where there's no such thing as a second chance. In terms of the supposed 'window of opportunity', a few more months. Miss it, and I'll waste six more years. If I want to give my absolute best shot at my Honours year, whatever's left of the semester.

So far, I've emerged relatively unscathed - or rather, I've been granted a second chance. While I lost so much, so many things have been going for me. One more time, and I'd probably live to regret it, for the rest of my life. As Eb said, 'I'm sure you don't want to spend the rest of you life doing a job which you hate. When you're 30, you'd really want to hit yourself in the head.'

At 21, I'm no longer a child, fresh out of junior college, with a few years to play about with. And yet, I am young - it's the time, to enjoy, pursue my dreams, and enjoy the company of friends and loved ones. And childishly gullible - always tempted to fall back, believing I can take it, and bounce back later, whenever I'm finally sick and tired of this absurdity.

I try so hard to think about what it is that holds me back. What function it serves in my life? It's a doubled edged sword - it's my assertion of control within all the uncertainty, insecurities, and worldly fears, my way to cope, but a deadly coping mechanism which brings more pain at the end of the day. And greater fears than ever.

I really don't want to live, or die with regrets. Or hurt anyone, myself. =(
______________________________________________________________

Can't wait for piano lesson this week. Firstly, it's piano lesson. Next, it means I'm done with the MAD-HAHAHA essay. Help, I don't even know how to start and I feel like this - (!!!!!!!!!!!.......!!!!!!!!!!)

Let it be a good week

Well, I am feeling quite happy. Yesterday, today... finally some sanity after a week of semi-madness. Oh, but there's method in her madness. I just pray for a good week, a clean slate.

I've been resting quite a bit. Napping, sleeping. I discovered I really feel much better when I'm rested... unfortunately, it seems like I need seven hours of sleep + loads of naps while studying. How am I ever going to finish that truckload of work.

I'm half convinced I can never rediscover that discipline, and motivation, to work. And just... immerse myself in my work. I really don't understand how in the world I managed to live life the way when I was living with Ed. I still feel like I've loss some of my happiness, but yet, I have discovered so much more about myself- my strengths, my flaws, my interests, my love, my values.

I know it'd be worth my while, but why does it have to be so damned hard. As I told Kim today, 'I can't wait to be completely free, but I'm scared too.' I fear what life will be like without those fears. What's going to happen? It's like giving up of whatever minute bit of control I still possess, and taking the chance, to see what I was meant to be. I'm tired of not being, but scared of being.

Right now, as I type this, I could just make a decision - to snap out of it, and move on. But I lack the guts. It puzzling to most, but when you're in it, you're in it. I just pray it's not for life, or 15 years like the girl on Dr Phil's show. One and a half years and it almost drove me nuts already.

If this is only just the beginning, I seriously don't want to know

Make your life count

Walk - Count from Every Nation Church (Singapore) on Vimeo.

Forgotten

I've forgotten -

What is normal. Remembering is one thing, but feeling it - that's the hard part. When I catch a glimpse of it, normalcy, I feel... completely out of place. So often I taste things abnormally ridiculous, so many things, and I hate it. Now, what am I left with?

I chanced upon a couple of comments today, about us. It really feels nice to be appreciated. But a few days on, the sense of loss remains.

I'm really so stressed over the essay due on Wednesday. It's not that I'm not thinking about it, but so often, I find myself at such a lost that I give up, and do some other thing. Like-

Buying two blouses from Zara.
Blog Surfing.
Eating pretzels.
Blogging.
Sleeping.
Reading.

Anything but that stupid essay.

I have a number of friends I'm so comfortable with, but today, I feel like writing about the one who laughs at me, makes me laughs, and communicates using strange noises and emo-ing. This is one friend I love, and know that when I'm old, I'd smile at the memory of our childish ways.

The Nolstagia...

This afternoon, I was running along South Bouna Vista under the heat of the midday sun. I got tired, and discouraged by the heat. Then I stopped to walk.

I needed some quieter music, and played an old recording - "Voice 006" it was called, for I never took the effort to give it its proper name. For the first time, I noticed that the music was almost perfect, to my amateur ears. Behind the precision, I had visions of the chemistry, repeated tries at getting it right - and the laughter shared between new acquaintances. I had always liked, and missed that piece of music.

The nolstagia was bittersweet. And as I walked, I mentally wrote a blog post about how things feel slightly different. The apparant perfection lost admist our own struggles. How we all change, things change, but some things, some people, you'd still hold dear, no matter what. Always choose (and want) to see the best in.

I was going to write about fond memories, and that tinge of sadness, regret. Possibly more, but I can't remember now-

Because I received a piece of unexpected news today. And I realized-

The nolstagia, is now permanant.

But the show must go on, and I choose to keep, only the best memories.

Which, frankly, isn't that hard, for it was a beautiful partnership in my humble eyes.

For once, I'd like to shed a tear over something other than that which haunts me everyday. But just as it has been over the past couple of months, the tears could never flow. I can only cry in my heart.

I am very tired, and I shall retire to bed before everything snowballs. I don't expect to fall right asleep.

One week later, I miss play Mars. I miss venting on those ivory keys. And the tremelo. And my favourite passage in the middle, the only parts with a slight semblence of a melody. (How do I describe it in words... it goes re re re do re fa me fa ti........ fa re do.....)

Finally, after loads of sleep and skipping lecture today, I've finally picked myself up. I've realized, I tend to slip when I'm tired. When will I learn to rest, when I need to rest? And I discovered the merits of skipping APB and watching webcast - why force yourself to keep your eyes open for two hours, when you can watch it in the comfort of your bed, when you have had enough rest? And take notes at your own pace, repeat whatever sections you missed.... and probably still finish the 'lecture' faster since you can fast foward the parts at the break. In my third year in NUS, I have finally discovered the merits of WebCast.

Ah, stress! Essays, project, classes! Help!

You

My dear girl, I've seen you laughing, happy, and carefree. You have so many things going for you - you've been told that you're smart, confident, talented. People admire you for your drive, and tell you how nice you are, and how much they envy you. With them, you like to laugh, at your silliness, and you want to love them, to make them smile. Your laugh is a picture of blissful joy, and a carefree life.

But my dear girl, I know you. I was with you when you thought you couldn't sink any lower than that. When you cried under the blanket, hiding from the thrash on your floor. When you went to bed at night dreading the day, and wondering if you'd ever see the sun shine again. I heard you cry through the phone, saw you lose yourself. I was there, when you let go of so many things, and shut yourself in that cell. I knew you thought you would never stand again -

But my dear girl, I've seen you fight. I smiled with you, when you look at the world in amazement, grateful that you were where you were, when you thought you'd never smile a genuine smile again, laugh a happy laugh. I've seen you get better, and resist the inner demons.

Because I know it's possible my girl, I'll see that you keep going on.

Clean Room!

Meme, RyanRyan and KimKim at AppointmentAppointment!

Kieran: Ryan why are u still here?

Ryan: I got two pretty girls with me, how can I leave?

Small Lee to KimKim: 'Before we start, HI MOUSE. Cheng Wei told me to say this.'

I just started a new business. Professional resume/cover letter / CV editing in exchange for services in:

Room Cleaning / Laundry / Room packing/ Car rides / General abuse

Jiayuan, or rather Miss Maria Goh Yuan Yuan was the first to jump at the great deal. While I slogged at his cover letter (basically copied my own!), he worked through my clothes, rubbish bin, floor, notes etc. Not bad for a guy!

My goodness. The first time in my life my blankets have been folded.

Kevin Moe's new hairstyle. Purple hair wax, cool stuff.

Thus far this week, I have been living in fear and dread. A fall is eminent, I can feel it. I've been inching closer, and am so tempted to surrender, and run straight back into the arms of my worst abuser. And waste my days away. I hear the calls of the devil, so evil, but spoken so sweetly. One last time, I promise, I swear, one last time.

I made an important decision on Sunday, to take upon certain responsibilities. It means a lot to me, and I need to be well to live up to them.

Sometimes I just want to kneel down and cry for the strength to heal. Or scream, and demand to know WHY in the world it has to be like that. Why me, why me, why am I not like this, why can't I be like that, why give me something, then replace it with something worst, whywhywhy. I want to move on already, but I've been trying to for so long. So long. How long more, before I work up the courage to snatch that key from the jailer, and break free. I just can't take that darn leap of faith. I want to, so bad. It's in my hands, but I am just not ready to.

I approached a girl in my class yesterday, upon hearing about her triumph over personal demons. She spoke words so powerful, and told me, it took her six years. Six years. It's been two years, and I can't imagine another four. Or more.

I am so thankful, that I'm blessed with people who make me laugh, smile and be myself. Who love, without judgement. It can't be a coincidence that they all came straight into my life when I needed it most. New friends, old friendships rebuilt. One of the few things I grasp onto for hope, that there is a point to all the insanity. That I'm being watched over. At the end of the day, I will do it for all you guys, if I can't find it in me to do it myself. =)

Grant me patience in my dealings with others, and more importantly, myself.

Some friends

Some friends, are more than just a friend. Those you share a pleasant chemistry with, an love.

Some friends, you realize how much you miss them, when you laugh together. And realize how much you miss being yourself.

Some friends, when I die, I hope, would remember the laughter and quirks we shared. And then smile.

Some friends, just make me feel so damned comfortable.

Petty

Girls are petty, indeed. I'm trying to erase the grudge in my heart, expel that bitter spleen, but I can't seem to help it, pointless as it may be.

She hopped onto a rollercoaster, and enjoyed the thrill of the wind in her face, as it sped up along the straight track. Then it spiralled into a black tunnel, and she got scared. After what seemed like eternity, she saw the light at the end of that pitch darkness... and what lay ahead were more tracks, up, then down, up and down again, up, up, down, down... she no longer raises her hands free in the air, but clutches on tightly, wondering if there'd be any more black tunnels...

If a genie would grant me just one wish, I'd ask for eternal peace in my heavy heart.

Oh yes, I'm speaking to you. Forgiveness is a virtue, indeed, but for now, I am still bitter, resentful and I bear a grudge. I will get over it, but I'm saying this now -

Your arrogance puts me off. Go ahead and measure yourself by your amazing As, you've proven yourself an Ass indeed. To Be honest, my respect for your has Ceased, for now. I'D Eventually put it aside, but right now, just eFf off and don't ask-

Oh, but touch your heart and ask yourself, what are you hiding beneath that veneer of smug confidence? I've heard your cries. My dear, you can be so much better if you'd just let go of your worldly cynicism.

Mars

http://www.soundupload.com/audio/2wityofxi9kccy3 - Mars Part 1
http://www.soundupload.com/audio/hjo2x60b0gtx3wk - Mars Part 2
http://www.soundupload.com/audio/csguilkw3fre1py - Mars Part 3

I've listened to our concert recording. The mistakes on retrospect are always more glaring than ever, but I'm even more amazed by how different our music director sounds from the rest of us. Whoa.

In future, mind your own business. And I'm helping you by never trusting you with anything ever again.

Sorry if I sound petty, unobjective, but right now, I am just mad, and upset.

Jaded

Are we made to be that different, or is it just that some people... just live in their own worlds. Or maybe, I'm just not made to understand it. I've been forced to stop, and reflect... and I think we all should do that now and then, and see that we act like the adults we are.

I skipped church last week, and went back today. And it was good. Strangely, the sermon really spoke to me, and reminded me of things so important, things I'm trying to overcome. But I think it'd still take a lot for me to really take that leap of faith. For so long, I've been used to living by my own standards.

I say this everytime, but piano lesson was enjoyable as usual. I was playing something I have played so many times, twice as an examination performance. But still, I realized how many details I have missed out. From the moment I met Ku, even during coaching when I played for Dance, I'm always reminded how every note, every touch, every sound counts.

I made an important decision today. Difficult decision, but I've come to be quite firm about it. I only hope I have the confidence to see it through, and not be a let down. I've seen too much, to want to repeat it. And I was told it was 'great news' by the man himself.

Oh, and after my piano concert, my mum told me she talked to my ex-piano teacher - to get recommendations on upgrading our piano. I'm so thrilled. I guess they can see that I treat it seriously. =) My mum says if I get married, the piano must follow me. HAHA.

Cool shot! Courtesy of Yiling.

I've a bad feeling today will be 'nothing'. And maybe it'd spill over into tomorrow.

Mars, the Bringer of War

It's over and I'm tired, but more relieved then anything.

Fiona, the nice hairstylist who helped me out with my hair (needed the right side pinned up.)
I think more people said 'nice hair' then 'nice music' to me. According to Kim, one of my family members exclaimed, 'HER HAIR' as I walked onto the stage.
And I convinced Linli to style her hair for the first time in her life. It looks great and it suits us, if only she'd believe it herself!

More hair action.


'Cheng Wei, I'm going to KILL you.'

'Okay la. You nearly gave me a heart attack on stage, but it turned out pretty well. You're pardoned.'

'HEEHEE'

So happy to have my beloved ex-piano teacher come. This woman put up with a whole lot of shit and attitude problem from me. She said I've improved from the last time she watched me. =)

Erwin (whom I learnt my 'HEEHEE' from), and Tong Tong, New York City folks!

Beijing gang reunion + Gabriel.

The first time I looked at Mars and saw it on YouTube, I thought it's something I'd eventually have to give up on and never survive. (But then again. I tend to think that of every new score I see unless it's uber duber easy peasy.) well, it's done, and I've had enough of warring for now.
And my partner and I agreed it's a satisfying piece to perform. And I was told that it was a stark difference from the rest of the evening's repertoire - so if it didn't make people smile, at least it made them sit up!

I have seen seen quite a bit lately, things that have disappointed my faith in amicable relationships and pleasant interaction. I have always treated public and personal issues as separate, as much as I can. And believed that differences were a reflection of different individual philosophies, and that what matters, at the end, is the heart we have for one another.
That beneath the veneer of serious formality (which may be necessary), there's respect, and great love.

Unfortunately, it's getting hard to hold on to the same (naive) faith. I've tried so long to believe that all that was necessary, that it'd get better, but it only spiralled into a mess of confused tension, and stress. And I wonder if I could ever truly look at things the same way again, and see the heart in everyone.

Or maybe, we were really made to operate differently.

'Greatness is not found in posessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service and character.' - William Arthur Ward

Goodness and humility indeed.

But I've a more immediate problem on hand now - I've piano class in approximately 26 hours and 35 minutes, and I haven't played a thing besides Mars in two weeks.